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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be confused as to why I am excluded?

999 replies

yesitssea · 05/02/2022 23:42

My friends 50th.

She was my best pal through uni. And afterwards. We lived together in a flat share too for a few years.

Saw her normally over the past year (2 or 3 times) text her happy birthday last week and she replied really friendly like 'thanks, hope we can meet up soon!'.

I go on Facebook today and her and all of our friends are away celebrating her 50th in a hotel. I am gobsmacked. There are even people there who are more my friends than hers. Our old work colleagues. Our joint friends.

I just can't understand it. It's bizarre. She's must have known about it for months. We caught up before christmas and nothing was mentioned.

She does have a history of occasionally singling one person out and excluding them for a while. She likes to be the organiser of weekends away etc.

Im wondering if it's my turn. She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.

Can you help me understand what's gone on here? It's so weird. Am I the pariah this time?

Even my Mum said to me 'oh Kerry's 50th looks fab, why didn't you go?' As she had seen pics on Facebook. So awkward.

OP posts:
Fedupsotired · 06/02/2022 08:08

I think you are right to quietly withdraw but I don't think I couldn't speak to someone who went to find out if something had been said about me or if they wondered why I wasn't there!

Fedupsotired · 06/02/2022 08:09

@Toanewstart23

This is he most bizarre thread

The op has seen her do this multiple times to other people…. And yet she has watched it happen and remain friends with the woman

Then it happens to the op, and she’s confused. Well…. You saw it happening to others so why are you surprised

And finally… it wasn’t just her that excluded you. It was ALL the others.

Odd thread responses to totally ignoring the detail

The others may have presumed she was going !!
CraftyCleopatra · 06/02/2022 08:09

Agree with pp who said not to feed her drama as it is exactly what she wants. What a completely ridiculous human being. You are better off giving her a wide bearth.

pictish · 06/02/2022 08:09

I think some people get a sense of elevation and power if they have someone to target. It makes them feel important and in control.
As you say, she has form for ostracising others and it’s your turn.
Very hurtful indeed.

Mellowyellow222 · 06/02/2022 08:11

I recently discovered a ‘friend’ had he a baby’s shower at a local hotel and hadn’t invited me.

I felt even more foolish because I was so pleased for her and I had a lot of expensive baby gear that I occasionally used at my house for my niece - it was like new - and I gifted it all to her.

I then found out about this lovely party when it was mentioned on a night out. I was embarrassed and hurt.

I am now friendly if I see her ins
In a group but won’t allow myself to be treated like a fool again.

BABAHOTEL · 06/02/2022 08:11

@pictish

I think some people get a sense of elevation and power if they have someone to target. It makes them feel important and in control. As you say, she has form for ostracising others and it’s your turn. Very hurtful indeed.
This

Very very unkind and personally I'd not give her the chance to do it to me again.

Toanewstart23 · 06/02/2022 08:12

@Fedupsotired
The others may have presumed she was going??

It would have been planned for months
And not ONE mentioned?
Or dropped her line during or after the event?
Not ONE
Supposedly better friends with the op than the woman!

YABVVU · 06/02/2022 08:13

@HollowTalk

Some people to seem to enjoy things better if they have excluded someone else from it. Social media seems to make this even more enjoyable because they know that the excluded person will know all about it at the time it's happening.

She really isn't your friend.

^^^^

this. . . She isn't your friend and sounds like a petty bitch. Harsh words but her deliberately excluding people in the past would have told me this. She's unpleasant and Im sorry you've been hurt like this.

AllKnowingGerbil · 06/02/2022 08:13

She's a bully and your life will be more pleasant without her in it.

I know it's hard but try not to dwell on it, this won't be due to something you've done or anything about you as a person. This is how she interacts with people, creating drama and making up her own storylines.

I'd not communicate further. Theres nothing she can say to excuse her behaviour.

Toanewstart23 · 06/02/2022 08:15

Anyone else a bit baffled the op knew and had seen her do this multiple times on the past to others

And yet still remained good friends with her?

Theblacksheepandme · 06/02/2022 08:17

I often wonder if men have similar stories like this or is it only women behave like this? Any men I know don't seem to have stories like this.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 06/02/2022 08:18

When you saw her at Christmas did you ask what she’s doing for her 50th?

girafferafferaffe · 06/02/2022 08:18

She sounds bloody awful!

Cakeandcardio · 06/02/2022 08:21

Just completely cut her out. See how much she likes that. Don't respond if she messages you. Don't engage with anything. She can't control you if you don't let her. Her life must be miserable to do this to people but you don't have to be as miserable. You will feel hurt but also free. It's not you. It's her.

SNUG2022 · 06/02/2022 08:21

I often wonder if men have similar stories like this or is it only women behave like this? Any men I know don't seem to have stories like this

Yes dh's group split off with a new group chat, meet ups etc. They made a breakaway group on the sly. Some people are in both, some not Grin

Toanewstart23 · 06/02/2022 08:22

@Theblacksheepandme

I often wonder if men have similar stories like this or is it only women behave like this? Any men I know don't seem to have stories like this.
I know many 50 year old men that would be bothered to organise a weekend away with all their friends to a country hotel!
Toanewstart23 · 06/02/2022 08:24

I don’t know

HunkyPunk · 06/02/2022 08:25

If you really want to wind her up (and I would, I’m afraid!) you should just post on her Facebook “Looks like you had a fabulous night! So sorry I wasn’t able to be there!” That’ll really confuse her and piss her off as it will make it look to everyone as though you were invited, but had to turn it down.

She’ll know you’re now aware of the party, so I think any other response - whether ignoring it, or asking her why, will be letting her know you’re upset, and giving her just what she wants.

pictish · 06/02/2022 08:26

Yes, that. I have come across a handful of individuals like this in my 46 years. One or two were ‘friends’ and others I have observed from a distance. There is a certain breed of person who seeks comfort and reassurance from controlling the social group. Their standing in the group is meaningless to them unless they have denigrated someone in it and ‘won’ the loyalty of the rest.
I couldn’t begin to know WHY they need this but they do. Sheer narcissism I suppose.

drpet49 · 06/02/2022 08:26

** This is he most bizarre thread

The op has seen her do this multiple times to other people…. And yet she has watched it happen and remain friends with the woman

Then it happens to the op, and she’s confused. Well…. You saw it happening to others so why are you surprised

And finally… it wasn’t just her that excluded you. It was ALL the others.**

^This

lisaandalan · 06/02/2022 08:27

Ask her and these other people aren't friends either if one of them didn't tell you, very sneaky I wouldn't want to be friends with any of them. X

pictish · 06/02/2022 08:28

@Toanewstart23

Anyone else a bit baffled the op knew and had seen her do this multiple times on the past to others

And yet still remained good friends with her?

No. It’s obvious that the woman is both sly and convincing enough not to openly confront. Most people avoid rocking the boat within social groups. You know that…why ask?
NoJaffaCakesAreKeptInThisVan · 06/02/2022 08:28

I had a friend like this, so toxic and immature, she’s not my friend anymore

OverByYer · 06/02/2022 08:30

@drpet49

** This is he most bizarre thread

The op has seen her do this multiple times to other people…. And yet she has watched it happen and remain friends with the woman

Then it happens to the op, and she’s confused. Well…. You saw it happening to others so why are you surprised

And finally… it wasn’t just her that excluded you. It was ALL the others.**

^This

Agree , this time it was your turn so not sure why you are confused?
Figgygal · 06/02/2022 08:33

Fuck her op she's a drama llama game player
Its hurtful and disappointing that your other friends have been put in a difficult position

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