To be confused as to why I am excluded?

[yesitssea]

My friends 50th.

She was my best pal through uni. And afterwards. We lived together in a flat share too for a few years.

Saw her normally over the past year (2 or 3 times) text her happy birthday last week and she replied really friendly like 'thanks, hope we can meet up soon!'.

I go on Facebook today and her and all of our friends are away celebrating her 50th in a hotel. I am gobsmacked. There are even people there who are more my friends than hers. Our old work colleagues. Our joint friends.

I just can't understand it. It's bizarre. She's must have known about it for months. We caught up before christmas and nothing was mentioned.

She does have a history of occasionally singling one person out and excluding them for a while. She likes to be the organiser of weekends away etc.

Im wondering if it's my turn. She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.

Can you help me understand what's gone on here? It's so weird. Am I the pariah this time?

Even my Mum said to me 'oh Kerry's 50th looks fab, why didn't you go?' As she had seen pics on Facebook. So awkward.

If your already decided to fold the friendship, then why not go all out and demand answers ?

It's pretty mean OP. I'd do what you're doing, mute and ignore. It's a shame but it's not your problem.

‘Aw mate, just got back.
It was chuffin’ fantastic, we had a great time.
Sorry I couldn’t make your birthday bash, we’ll make it up at mine’

…& you never will.

Life is too short for bitches like this. Just cut her off and focus on your decent friends.

That message on her FB for all to see.
Half the people will get the joke, the other half will think you had a better time than they did at her party.

PA I know.

Whatever you do, don’t do the ‘choose me’ dance.
She’s awful, you all know this.

One of the last few times we went out she tagged me in a photo and said 'I'm trying to make my friend Sarah jealous' or something like that.

She sounds vile.
Your happier memories of your younger times together have clouded your view of her.

I would bin her, but slowly. Just see her less often, respond more slowly, & don't give her the drama/hurt she is probably avidly anticipating.

Not much point discussing it or asking her why she did it.
As she has form for this 'rotating exclusion' it's probably all part of the game to her, & you'd do better to avoid feeding the beast.

You might want to have a quiet word with other friends she played the exclusion game with though. Solidarity & all that ...

Sorry you've been on the wrong end of such childish & bitchy antics OP.

By not confronting her and calling the behaviour out you are enabling her to carry on as she is

The friendship is over, so why not do something for everyone?

Iwould just post under the pictures something along the lines of I see it’s my turn to be excluded. I think it’s time your behaviour was called out, I am not the first, and won’t be the last as we have all collectively allowed you to get away with it. Well no more.

She's absolutely pathetic. I would pity her. I certainly wouldn't go searching for answers. Who cares what she says/thinks? It would definitely be radio silence from me. I bet she's absolutely loving all the drama

She has a weird psychological hold over some members IoT the group who are like flying monkeys.

Ugh.
Why do you bother with this group?

I had a friend like this, twenty years ago, I stopped contact. A mutual friend continued the friendship and is still left hanging regularly, I don’t have the patience for those games.

Have you also turned 50 recently or are you about to and have talked to her about it? I wonder if she's feeling insecure about this milestone and perceives that you are handling it differently/better than her and is in some way punishing you for it?

I only think that because a very close friend turned utterly batshit when we got pregnant at the same time. She just vanished, replied to messages with one word answers and I didn't even know about her pregnancy til she was 30 weeks. She was then weird and snippy after the babies were born and got really angry with me because she 'couldn't relate to my approach to parenting', when actually we had barely spoken about our kids at all, and even then I was so confused that I was very careful not to be pushy about anything that we were doing with our baby. She eventually cut me off when i disagreed that I should have a c-section that she suggested I should have for my second birth following a traumatic first labour. I really think that she was massively insecure and it felt like if I did anything differently to what she did she took it as criticism. I wonder if there could be something similar going on with this 'friend' of yours?

I’d send a message saying, hope you had a nice birthday, it’s a shame you don’t consider me enough of a friend to invite me.

Can you help me understand what's gone on here? It's so weird. Am I the pariah this time?

What’s to explain?

You’ve explained it to us.

You have a dysfunctional friend, who enjoys excluding people, and now it’s your turn.

She's never married and doesn't have kids where as most of the group do
Sounds awful but I suspected this was the case (btw I’m not married or have children either). I sense that she is jealous of you and feels bad about turning 50. You say she does it to other people but I guess you wouldn’t expect her to do it to you seeing as you’re best friends. I would totally say something to her just so I could hear what excuse she will give. Then I would not contact her again.

I had something similar happen to me at school. My other friend saw photos on Facebook and asked me why I wasn’t invited as we were friends. I’m still annoyed all those years later and we weren’t even best friends!

Sorry to read this op but in all honesty shes no friend. I wouldn't confront or ask her. I would just block/delete her from everything and go completely no contact with her immediately. It might take you time to process and move on from this but you will definitely feel so much better with her toxic behaviour out of your life. 💐

If I had a so-called friend who had a reputation of excluding and cutting off people I'd be wondering when it was my turn. People like that don't have friends they have prey. Do yourself a favour and move on from her, you owe her nothing. Not your time, your loyalty, your trust, nothing. I've had a toxic friendship before and they aren't worth salvaging. She knew she could have invited you but for whatever reason she didn't. Don't get involved with her silly childish games - I can guarantee she's expecting you to ask why you weren't invited and if you do she'll enjoy the drama of it all, she's expecting a reaction from you and the best reaction you can give is no reaction.

I wouldn't confront her at all,she doesnt really need to tell you the reasons for a non invite to something. Things like this wouldn't bother me,, especially as you mentioned, that she coud be a bit iffy with people at times..

She sounds toxic. Cruel. And not a person I'd want to be friends with. Think of this as a blessing in disguise. You finally have a clear reason to cut her out of your life.

Block, ignore and have nothing to do with her. Your common friends must realise it and I'm not sure what I'd do about them. However, if she's treated others in the group similarly and you've all accepted it then it's something that you're all capable of continually forgiving without it affecting your friendship. I would probably talk with some of the ones I'm closest to and see what they say and take it from there.

Over the last year I've withdrawn from a close friendship because I came to the realisation that she is toxic and not a real friend. She was supportive and my friend when I was going through a bad time but very jealous and envious and nasty when my life, career, new relationship was going well. I forgave a lot and kept trying because of our long friendship but th9s xmas after some things she said I decided that enough was enough and haven't contacted her since. I realised that I have plenty of lovely friends who are always lovely and I don't need that toxic presence in my life. It was really difficult as there were obviously some great things about her but I feel a lot better not having to pretend not to get hurt by some comments and forgive bad behaviour.

Personally, I'd just dump her as a friend. She is obviously looking for drama, so I wouldn't want to be the one who gives it to her.

She sounds awful. I was going to say did a partner sort it and miss you by accident but have seen she's single. I'd text her saying you hope she had a good night and sorry you couldn't make it as though you had been invited but declined. That will mess with her mind.

OP, this is your perfect opportunity to cut ties. She's made it very clear she is not your friend, and I think you can find much nicer friends than this.

I too would like to know why your mutual ''friends'' didn't casually mention prior to this party something about it, along the lines of what are you getting for a gift, what are you wearing, do you think she would like this for a present etc all the normal pre-party questions friends bandy about.

I assume they must have known beforehand that you were going to be excluded to keep you out of the loop... some friends there aye.

I say this because we watched our DD go through this with a Miss across the road, but at a much younger age. Excluded from group meetings, but was sent snap chat photos of the day with her group all in them. Some actually posing for the photos!

Eventually, DD blocked Miss on social media. I had to block Miss on FB due to her reactions to my community posts. I have considered using my alternative FB identity to comment on her pages, but that's def. a lowering of my standards.

If I were you, I would reply on the SM post what a shame you were left off the guest list as it looked like a good night. Tag a few mutual friends in the process too. They need to be accountable for excluding you from any conversation about the night.

Stay off SM for the next day or three, re-consider your friendship with the remainder of the group and then block her outright. Don't respond to her at all. But be aware if any of these other ''friends'' are on your social media, they will be showing her any future posts you make on your own pages.

Terrible behavior all round and your group are only pandering to the bitch.

Honestly, I’d ignore it and pretend it wasn’t even a thing. I’d distance myself.

If she brought it up “sorry dear you weren’t invited blah blah” you can just lowkey say something like “Thank you! It’s totally ok, from what I heard people had an interesting time… well… I’m sure you had a good time!”

But seriously. Write her off right now. Don’t give her the drama she craves. Don’t give her fodder to discuss with others. You don’t need an explanation!!! You need your dignity!!!

Probably a good idea to drop her, since she appears to have done that to you.

And if none of the group contact you to find out if you're ok, where you were, how you are etc., then I guess none of them are particularly friends either.

Sucks, but better to know, I guess.

I never understand how people like this still have friends. I’d have distanced myself from her when she started excluding others - too much drama. She sounds really bitchy.