Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be confused as to why I am excluded?

999 replies

yesitssea · 05/02/2022 23:42

My friends 50th.

She was my best pal through uni. And afterwards. We lived together in a flat share too for a few years.

Saw her normally over the past year (2 or 3 times) text her happy birthday last week and she replied really friendly like 'thanks, hope we can meet up soon!'.

I go on Facebook today and her and all of our friends are away celebrating her 50th in a hotel. I am gobsmacked. There are even people there who are more my friends than hers. Our old work colleagues. Our joint friends.

I just can't understand it. It's bizarre. She's must have known about it for months. We caught up before christmas and nothing was mentioned.

She does have a history of occasionally singling one person out and excluding them for a while. She likes to be the organiser of weekends away etc.

Im wondering if it's my turn. She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.

Can you help me understand what's gone on here? It's so weird. Am I the pariah this time?

Even my Mum said to me 'oh Kerry's 50th looks fab, why didn't you go?' As she had seen pics on Facebook. So awkward.

OP posts:
Wafflesnsniffles · 06/02/2022 00:19

Sorry forgot to also say - sorry this has happened to you. Its never nice to feel left out. xxx

massiveblob · 06/02/2022 00:20

Mean. Walk away

MrsBerthaRochester · 06/02/2022 00:23

Ask her. I have had similar stuff happen to me and I was to scared to say anything. Then my sister did it on her 40th. We have had a tricky relationship but I thought we were in a good place and she outright lied to my face.
So I asked her pointedly why I wasnt invited. Watching her squirm made me realise it was not me but her. Very gratifying.
I would ask then tell her to get to fuck.

CPL593H · 06/02/2022 00:25

Queen Bee has stung you this time. Not sure that you should be surprised, given what she has been allowed to get away with doing to others.

Mellowyellow222 · 06/02/2022 00:28

This lady isn’t your friend - she is on a power trip.

She has got you thinking about her, wondering what you did wrong, how you can make it up to her.

I would take this as friendship over. Block her and delete her number.

If other friends make contact decide whether they were complicit or not.

But life is too short for this crap

Flyingbymypants · 06/02/2022 00:28

That must hurt. I bet most the group didn't know that you weren't invited.

My old uni housemate defriended me on social media a while back. She is still friends with the other 2 girls we lived with. I haven't a clue why she did this .

Sparklesocks · 06/02/2022 00:31

I’m embarrassed for her if she carries on with schoolchildren type games like that at her age in all honesty. Not someone I’d be desperate to keep in my life.

ADisgruntledPelican · 06/02/2022 00:33

You won't know what happened unless you ask. She might not even have organised. It could be someone else that missed you out.

Original poster
yesitssea · 06/02/2022 00:35

She has a weird psychological hold over some members IoT the group who are like flying monkeys.

However the excluded people (which never lasts for long) are generally the more confident settled folk.

She's never married and doesn't have kids where as most of the group do. It's so weird from a psychodrama perspective.

I am going to quietly retreat, not going to confront. Going to mute her on socials though.

OP posts:
me4real · 06/02/2022 00:35

‘She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.’

And yet none of them returned the courtesy to you?

No idea. Potential she's said something to them about me? Or she's organised and booked it and people have not realised I'm not going.Or they don't care?

I would just see it as it's her birthday party @yesitssea . I don't think other people would feel they could invite someone along who the birthday person maybe didn't want there, as it's their birthday.

I wouldn't see it as any reflection on your other friends that they didn't invite you to her birthday when she hadn't, is what I mean.

But you're right, they probably just assumed you'd been invited.

She sounds a nasty game player who enjoys hurting others. Best to go no contact/as little contact as possible with her I think.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/02/2022 00:37

She does have a history of occasionally singling one person out and excluding them for a while. She likes to be the organiser of weekends away etc.

Why do you want to be mates with a bully who isolates people and plays queen bee?

She sounds like a right prick.

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/02/2022 00:37

I would keep stone cold silence.

It wil wind her right up as you are supposed to message and ask why you arent invited, what did you do wrong, beg for her attention. Thats what she loves.

She will be checking her phone for your message and she will be going wild when it doesnt come. She will contact you first and you should reply with a nice "how are you?" and when she will be unable to ask if you saw the photos of her 50th you reply "Yes I did, it looked great, I hope you enjoyed it!" Basically like you barely noticed and when you did, you didnt care.

AllGoodPoints · 06/02/2022 00:39

@CPL593H

Queen Bee has stung you this time. Not sure that you should be surprised, given what she has been allowed to get away with doing to others.
This

And you were one of the people allowing her to get away with it when it wasn’t affecting you.

Babyroobs · 06/02/2022 00:39

I'd be equally hurt by all the other friends behavior. How could they not have known this was happening ? Despicable behavior from them all.

NoSquirrels · 06/02/2022 00:40

Ugh.

I’d just wish her a happy birthday in whatever way you usually do - card, text, FB, whatever - and never EVER mention not being invited.

Not. A. Word.

Because you’re supposed to care. That’s the drama.

Don’t play.

NewbieDivergent · 06/02/2022 00:40

It's the entire group I'd be pissed at as not one of them mentioned it to you.You are obviously the better friend op and deserve better too.

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/02/2022 00:42

Oh and then unfriend/block just to be sure :)

Bussinbussin · 06/02/2022 00:42

So she's a pretty awful person yet you've continued the friendship and even been her (unwitting but silent) accomplice while she's treating other people like shit.

It is, as you say, your turn.

I hope this finally given you the impetus to dump her as a 'friend'.

SarahBellam · 06/02/2022 00:42

How come none of your mutual friends mentioned it to you? A big party is the sort of things my friends and I would be chatting about well in advance - e.g. about going for a drink first or meeting in someone's house and getting a taxi together, making sure you had a lateral flow done in case the venue required it, etc. etc. It does sound like she is trying to exclude you and it may well be through jealousy. I don't think I would ask. I think that'll give her the attention she craves. I would just withdraw. Keep her on social media (blocking shows you care one way or another) but don't like or respond to her (put her on mute if you can), be busy when she wants to meet up, go on nights out without her, recognise that she is not your friend. She's just an acquaintance now, and you should treat her as such.

Luredbyapomegranate · 06/02/2022 00:43

I’m sorry this happened OP, however the fact that she has previous should reduce the punch in the gut.

I would block her, delete her, and not bother responding further. However I would let the close friends who did go that you were bewildered. I’m sure they didn’t know in advance you were excluded, but it sounds like you have collectively given this manipulative woman far too much leeway. It’s time that stopped.

PenStation · 06/02/2022 00:43

Your friend has issues, I would quietly delete her from your life. Don’t contact her unless she contacts you. Keep up contact with your other friends.

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/02/2022 00:44

Also, thinking......how do you feel about being one of the friends who didnt tell the excluded one? Because you did that to others and I am surprised that you are shocked by the way the other women have treated you when thats exactly what you did.

Judge a man by the company he keeps.....

TopsieGreenwood · 06/02/2022 00:46

Remember how she values your friendship and when she comes crawling back value her in the same way

DiddyHeck · 06/02/2022 00:46

I am going to quietly retreat, not going to confront. Going to mute her on socials though.

Oh for goodness sake why not buck the trend and be the one to break the news to her that she's a dick?

Then mute her Wink

Neotraditional · 06/02/2022 00:54

Has anything happened in your life recently she might be jealous of, like a promotion etc. and she’s trying to hurt you? Sorry if that doesn’t make much sense but I know women like this who hate when someone else is happy and successful and try to bring them down.

She’s no friend to you if she is happy to upset you or cause you pain. I couldn’t sleep at night if I thought I’d upset my friends. Flowers

Swipe left for the next trending thread