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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be confused as to why I am excluded?

999 replies

yesitssea · 05/02/2022 23:42

My friends 50th.

She was my best pal through uni. And afterwards. We lived together in a flat share too for a few years.

Saw her normally over the past year (2 or 3 times) text her happy birthday last week and she replied really friendly like 'thanks, hope we can meet up soon!'.

I go on Facebook today and her and all of our friends are away celebrating her 50th in a hotel. I am gobsmacked. There are even people there who are more my friends than hers. Our old work colleagues. Our joint friends.

I just can't understand it. It's bizarre. She's must have known about it for months. We caught up before christmas and nothing was mentioned.

She does have a history of occasionally singling one person out and excluding them for a while. She likes to be the organiser of weekends away etc.

Im wondering if it's my turn. She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.

Can you help me understand what's gone on here? It's so weird. Am I the pariah this time?

Even my Mum said to me 'oh Kerry's 50th looks fab, why didn't you go?' As she had seen pics on Facebook. So awkward.

OP posts:

WTF475878237NC · 06/02/2022 07:20

I don't think she necessarily has an empty life just because she has no husband or children. I see this behaviour as more a major personality flaw than related to her being jealous of you... unless you're the only one with a husband and children who was excluded.

Lampzade · 06/02/2022 07:21

@PyongyangKipperbang

I would keep stone cold silence.

It wil wind her right up as you are supposed to message and ask why you arent invited, what did you do wrong, beg for her attention. Thats what she loves.

She will be checking her phone for your message and she will be going wild when it doesnt come. She will contact you first and you should reply with a nice "how are you?" and when she will be unable to ask if you saw the photos of her 50th you reply "Yes I did, it looked great, I hope you enjoyed it!" Basically like you barely noticed and when you did, you didnt care.

This with bells on

HW1989 · 06/02/2022 07:24

She sounds like an awful person and you’ll be much better off without her friendship. Stay away from her drama from now on.

Lampzade · 06/02/2022 07:26

Op, you said that she tends to single out the confident people for exclusion. She is on a power trip and enjoys putting these people ‘ in their place’ because she is basically an insecure individual who envies those who are secure in themselves

LoudSnoringDog · 06/02/2022 07:29

As much as I would like to do the stone cold silence thing, I think I would have to call it out.
It would probably be my last interaction with her and I'd tell her she was a shit friend.

SNUG2022 · 06/02/2022 07:30

I'd be wanting to speak to my close friends who hadn't mentioned it to me. That would really hurt too.

itsacovidxmasone · 06/02/2022 07:30

@yesitssea

Thanks for being sympathetic.

No she does totally have a history of this. It's bizarre. She likes to be the organiser the controller. Sometimes it's something small like pressuring someone to not take a coat or drink when they don't really want to and other times it's larger when she excludes people. I think she's quite unhappy underneath.

One of the last few times we went out she tagged me in a photo and said 'I'm trying to make my friend Sarah jealous' or something like that. So strange.

But I don't think I really care that much to cause an upset. So I may just withdraw quietly.

There have been things over the years that have been like this, and I have often thought of cutting ties.

The Sarah comment says it all really. Hard to see why this person still has friends!

BorderlineHappy · 06/02/2022 07:31

I wouldn't ask her why you weren't invited.
She won't tell you the truth.
You'll know she's lying,shell know she's lying.
It'll be some weird limbo.

Just remove yourself from the drama,don't give her or your so called friends anymore head space.

Enjoy your friends that don't treat you like crap

CrunchyCarrot · 06/02/2022 07:37

That's so nasty of her. I think yoiu should confront her directly to ask why you were excluded. Put her on the spot, it's the very least she deserves. Then make sure you don't have anything to do with her again. She's not a friend.

sleaf · 06/02/2022 07:39

She sounds like a narcissistic bitch. She's no friend OP.

Totalwasteofpaper · 06/02/2022 07:47

@BorderlineHappy

I wouldn't ask her why you weren't invited. She won't tell you the truth. You'll know she's lying,shell know she's lying. It'll be some weird limbo.

Just remove yourself from the drama,don't give her or your so called friends anymore head space.

Enjoy your friends that don't treat you like crap

This in spades.

There is a woman in my husband uni group who behaves similarly. She was particularly unpleasant to me (& intermittently others) for no real reason.
She is also "the organiser" and is long term single.
He has withdrawn almost completely and meets people 1 on 1 or in couples

Twateralflow · 06/02/2022 07:48

@yesitssea I'm sorry this has happened to you. I've been on the receiving end of similar and it feels horrible. It made me wonder why my 'friend' does this to people and I think I worked it out. I'm my situation this 'friend' would do it when she felt her position was threatened. She liked to feel she was the most beautiful, the slimmest, had the best career, marriage, was the best dressed, she was the best cook, her husband was the most successful, her children were the best behaved etc etc. All very shallow ways to judge. If anyone usurped her (in her eyes) she would exclude them from invites. Sarah bought a new, larger house (wasn't invited to bbqs etc), Nicky lost a lot of weight (wasn't invited to 40th party), Kate had a bit of work done including a boob job (doesn't really include her in anything) and me well I went back to uni got a masters and my dream job! Wasn't included in weekends away etc!

I think she is a very unhappy person who has the need to always feel 'the best' in areas that really shouldn't matter.

billy1966 · 06/02/2022 07:48

As everyone else has written, why are you surprised, she has form.

I wouldn't mention it either, but I also wouldn't bother with her again.

DrSbaitso · 06/02/2022 07:49

It's funny how often we see these behaviours and are still surprised when they do it to us. I've been there, I think we all have. No need to stay there.

drpet49 · 06/02/2022 07:50

** What's going on here is that you and your friends have let her get away with this appalling behaviour so she's never had to stop it.

What I don't understand is why you all think it's ok?**

^This. You’ve stood by and watched other get the same treatment then wonder why it’s your turn.

Everydaydayisaschoolday · 06/02/2022 07:53

@OnlyClothes

‘She's done it to another of our friends and we all noticed and just purposefully made sure that person was forwarded on the invitation every event that was organised.’

And yet none of them returned the courtesy to you?

To be fair to the others they might not have noticed or noticed but the hostess lied to them about the OPs situation.

I would be so hurt if I was excluded like this OP. My friends and I are just getting started on a round of 60th birthday celebrations and I wouldn't dream of excluding someone in this way and (hopefully) neither will my mates.

I would be tempted to like some of the FB statuses and comment that it all looks fab and I was sorry not to be there. And then leave it at that. If anyone asked about it I'd let them know them privately that I was NFI.

I would certainly be rethinking my connection with this person. She is proof that knowing someone for a long time doesn't necessarily make them a good friend.

PatchworkElmer · 06/02/2022 07:55

Don’t mention it and back right off. You’re doing right thing. People like this feed on drama!

maddening · 06/02/2022 07:57

If you are leaving her friendship anyway i would reply to the Facebook something passive aggressive like "so glad you had a lovely time, if I had known I would have loved to have joined to help you celebrate such a milestone birthday, happy birthday and hope that 2022 brings many wonderful times ahead xxx" so all the group see that you were not invited.

Toanewstart23 · 06/02/2022 07:57

It wasn’t just her that excluded you though op

It was ALL the other attendees of which some of them are supposedly mor your friends than hers

And yet they kept this quiet from you for months.

Toanewstart23 · 06/02/2022 07:58

@maddening

The group bloody knew she wasn’t invited.

They were there!

Not ONE of them mentioned to the op in the preceding months or following it

OverByYer · 06/02/2022 08:02

I’d be cross with her but also the other mutual friends who have been complicit in keeping it from you.
She sounds horrible and no great loss. I’d have to say something before blocking her personally, if no one ever challenges her she will keep getting away with it.

LAMPS1 · 06/02/2022 08:04

You say she’s the one that likes to do the organising of social activities. Is it possible you have all come to over-rely on her a little bit to do this, simply because it’s easier to go with the flow - and you all have families and she doesn’t so in your eyes, she has more time ?
I think it’s possible that her role of chief organiser of the group and your joint acceptance and lack of questioning of this, has led her to want to remind you all, one at a time in turn, that you shouldn’t ever take her for granted? . It’s not nice to leave people out of course but she remains unchallenged so continues.
Why don’t you organise a really nice social event and invite everybody including her. And then pull her to one side and ask if there’s any particular reason you were left out last time.

Emmakins66 · 06/02/2022 08:05

Sounds a bit like a narcissist. Maybe demote her to casual acquaintance for your own sake!

Toanewstart23 · 06/02/2022 08:05

This is he most bizarre thread

The op has seen her do this multiple times to other people…. And yet she has watched it happen and remain friends with the woman

Then it happens to the op, and she’s confused. Well…. You saw it happening to others so why are you surprised

And finally… it wasn’t just her that excluded you. It was ALL the others.

Odd thread responses to totally ignoring the detail

Lanaaaa · 06/02/2022 08:07

@Theunamedcat

Ouch but quite frankly fuck her if she really is that sort of person why do you bother with her? Honestly

Totally agree with this

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