AIBU to not want my son to do rugby because of the culture?

[sausagedogsforever]

I probably am being unreasonable but, my DS aged 5 really wants to do rugby. He once had a taster session, loved it and has asked to go since (for a good year). So shows no signs of getting over the urge.

I am thinking maybe I should take him again to another taster (maybe he won't like it) but also what if he loves it?

I used to like watching rugby and I find the games much more family friendly to watch than football matches. However, I've heard terrible things about rugby players and rugby playing culture? Like gross drinking games, sexism, just all round bad behaviour and treatment of women, initiation games to fit in etc.
is this really what it's like? Does anyone have any experience?
The other issue is injury, it's likely in a sport like that, so do I really want to encourage this?
Any advice welcome. Has anyone got a rugby playing son/husband?
Am I being unreasonable?

You think a five year old will get involved in drinking games? Catch yourself on and worry about that if he’s still into it when he’s a teenager.

This isn't going to be popular, but I think that can describe any group of men that meet up. I know that they are making rugby safer for under 18's, that would be my only concern. One DD did horse riding, the other a mainly male martial art, I felt that the risk of injury was worth the enjoyment that they got.

But he's 5? There won't be any gross drinking games, sexism, bad behaviour, degrading treatment of women or initiation games for his mini rugby team - it'll be mixed sex too.

In 13 years when he is an adult the world will have changed immeasurably - who knows whether those things will still be prevalent? The culture within society in general has changed significantly since 2009.

Is he your first born?

At 5 it will not be full rugby but they play games like catch the bib tail and skills to do with throwing and catching. All good coordination and physical skills. It is social with friends and meeting kids from other schools etc. No worse than any other kids team sport. He is 5.

This isn't going to be popular, but I think that can describe any group of men that meet up.

I agree - men from all walks of life act like that. Women also partake in drinking games, bad behaviour and initiation games. He'll be just as likely to find that kind of group down the park when he's 13 and has no hobbies as he is at a rugby club.

Like gross drinking games, sexism, just all round bad behaviour and treatment of women, initiation games to fit in etc.

Pretty much every male dominated club is prone to this - even cricket. I would be far more worried about the potential for head injury. That said, allow my children to do dangerous sport because it's fun and the benefits outweigh the risks.

YABU - getting a child into sports that they are passionate about is great.

I used to play (womens rugby) and hung round male and female players. And yes you do get sexism etc but you get that everywhere. I'm sure you can counter it with the way you parent him.

Rugby is a fab sport, my DD wasn't interested though, she's a tennis player (which I also was)

Point is sports is great, they make friends outside their school groups, and as they grow up it can play a big part of their personal identity.

I think at 5 I'd be ok with a bit of tag rugby. But I wouldn't fancy it once they get into their teens, it seemed to be injury after injury and some of the 'tours' were very dubious.

YANBU direct him towards stamp collecting or similar

Or you could look at the rugby community and how brilliantly they come together for their own? How supportive they are?

You could look at the benefits of playing as part of a team and the fantastic skills that come with that.

My brothers all played rugby. One’s a doctor now and still plays.

The ‘culture’ you speak of is a huge sweeping generalisation about people who play a fantastic game. And in my experience the old adage of “football is a gentlemen’s game played by thugs, while rugby is a thugs’ game played by gentlemen,” is largely true.

At 5 he's going to be playing tag & he might not actually like proper rugby when he gets to that age.

He might decide he doesn't like tag after a season so I think you are worrying a bit much about what might happen when he gets to adult rugby.

Of the rugby players i know they would drink a lot & at uni there was initiations but every club including the women's clubs had them.
I would happily drink with the a group of the rugby guys though whereas there was only a few of the football lads that I would socialise with. (obviously this was 1 University but the football club had 5 teams to Rugbys 1)
Definitely had more "hassle" on nights out from footballers either directly to me or friends.
I think the culture surrounding football in the UK is a lot worse as well. Although i did play it myself for all my school years!

Also I don’t think they expect the ‘Rugby Tots’ to get a round in in the clubhouse after the game.

My son did it for a good few years, but has stopped now age 12 ish.
It was a very positive culture for that age group. Also for the younger ones, up to around now ish, it was mixed sex. There were more boys than girls but the girls were very well respected team mates and regularly ran rings around the boys. They’ve split off into a girls group now because of puberty.
I would say give it a go. It’s a wonderful team sport (the only one I’ve ever enjoyed playing!!) and it’s not a given that the culture will be bad, though I do know what you mean. Likely to be v different for the younger ones and you don’t know how his interests will change.

We did become a bit more concerned about injury as he got older though. That’s one reason we stopped, along with him being hopeless at dealing with any minor knocks! He loved it when he didn’t get boshed, but wasn’t v good at picking himself up and getting on with it, so he just moved away from it and moved on to another sport. But it was v v positive for a good few years.

Like the risk of any other group of men together?
If he wants to play rugby and would enjoy it, let him be. He’s 5. He may outgrow it by 6, or he may play well into adulthood. All you can do is raise him as best you can.
Every ex I’ve had was a rugby player, funnily enough DH isn’t. No correlation. My brothers play, my friends play. They’re good people, and rugby, overwhelmingly, has been a positive in their lives. It brings camaraderie and fun while also being positive in a physical fitness sense. Yes they get injured here and there but nothing major.

@Ponoka7

This isn't going to be popular, but I think that can describe any group of men that meet up. I know that they are making rugby safer for under 18's, that would be my only concern. One DD did horse riding, the other a mainly male martial art, I felt that the risk of injury was worth the enjoyment that they got.

It's true. But then it was also true of my friends who were in a ladies football team! The antics they got up to were shocking!

I think it's something to be concerned about in ten years time. Not now when he's 5!

What would happen if he takes up football?

My 6yo twin dds do rugby at that age it’s mixed sex and non contact. Lots of catching games and running around. I’d give it a go if I were you.

DS2 has played at an elite level for a number of years since falling in love with the game at 10. His closest friends are teammates he has played with over the years. Yes, there have been injuries which are very hard to watch but thankfully nothing too major. At 5, your son would be playing tag rugby which is basically just charging about chasing a ball and learning the basic skills of passing the ball etc.

In my experience, I would say that rugby culture is certainly less toxic than football (less money involved for starters!) and would agree with the comment above about groups of young men. I love the rugby values which clubs and schools promote and would honestly say that DS' friends are some of the nicest young men I have had the pleasure to meet.

As others have said he’s 5, you really don’t need to worry so much about this right now. He could be sick of it by the time he’s 10.

And PPs are correct, this article exists in all groups, women included too.

I used to work for a premier league rugby club. Post match days we would have drinks / go into town with the players. Some were utter pricks as you’ve described, some were total gents and family men who would stay for drinks with their kids and wives and be a pleasure to be around. Raise them right and they’ll be ok imo.

At 5 he is likely to only be playing touch rugby. My son has played for the last 5 years - since he was 11. However there is a micros class from age 5.
The older lads look out for the younger ones, even at school. I would say rugby increases their confidence and is a good fun way to keep fit. There does not seem to be any bullying issues. The coaches keep a close eye on things. They learn to play as a team. I far prefer rugby to football.
The risk of injury at your son's level is probably the same as any other sport.

My rugby playing 16 year old and his mates are lovely boys. What you are describing isn't caused by rugby, it's caused by macho prats who could congregate around anything. Just as likely in any sport or group he takes up.

Agree with pretty much all of the comments above.

My DS is 9 and plays rugby. He's literally just had his first contact game. Up until now, it's been years and years of Tag rugby and mixed sex games. All the kids are well behaved and follow the rules. The training is very much about team playing.

My DH was a semi professional player in his youth. There was far more of what you describe when he played for the university team, but even then he didn't really get involved. And as many have said, that was replied aged through most of the sports teams, including medics sporting teams.

His semi-professional would have a few drinks in the club house and maybe go into town after, but nothing out of the ordinary. This was all in the late 90s and I think things have changed since then in any case.

If your son likes rugby, let him play. It's good exercise and good for learning to be a team player.

Let him play. It's a great sport

*Replicated, not replied aged.