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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want my son to do rugby because of the culture?

263 replies

sausagedogsforever · 11/01/2022 11:38

I probably am being unreasonable but, my DS aged 5 really wants to do rugby. He once had a taster session, loved it and has asked to go since (for a good year). So shows no signs of getting over the urge.

I am thinking maybe I should take him again to another taster (maybe he won't like it) but also what if he loves it?

I used to like watching rugby and I find the games much more family friendly to watch than football matches. However, I've heard terrible things about rugby players and rugby playing culture? Like gross drinking games, sexism, just all round bad behaviour and treatment of women, initiation games to fit in etc.
is this really what it's like? Does anyone have any experience?
The other issue is injury, it's likely in a sport like that, so do I really want to encourage this?
Any advice welcome. Has anyone got a rugby playing son/husband?
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Playdoughcaterpillar · 11/01/2022 13:01

The emphasis on team and fair play and respect is much better with rugby than football and cricket in my experience with a son. I would be encouraging it. Also the head injury rules are getting more strict and they are well looked after.

JudgeJ · 11/01/2022 13:01

@ClaudiaWankleman

This isn't going to be popular, but I think that can describe any group of men that meet up.

I agree - men from all walks of life act like that. Women also partake in drinking games, bad behaviour and initiation games. He'll be just as likely to find that kind of group down the park when he's 13 and has no hobbies as he is at a rugby club.

It also describes a lot of groups of women too when they're out together, it's not only men who are sexist and drink a lot!
Muchmorethan · 11/01/2022 13:01

@Mountaingoat12

Only excellent experiences from our kids doing rugby. Only vile experiences from them doing football.
Same.

The key though is to find the right local club.

The one my DS is at holds teamwork and respect highly. They let all players have a turn on the pitch even if they're not the best.

Other local clubs don't have the same ethos

rookiemere · 11/01/2022 13:02

Firstly he's 5, unless rugby is played at his school it's unlikely he'll keep going with it.
DS is 15 and at a rugby playing school. He is very into his fitness and weights and I think if anything rugby has been a positive influence on him.
My main worry is the risk of injury. I hate it when he plays a match and can't bear to watch.
Honestly I'd just let your DS have a go, it's good that he's enthusiastic about trying a new sport and that's all you need to think about at that age.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 11/01/2022 13:02

The only injuries we've had so far was when the team disturbed a Wasps nest.

anothername007 · 11/01/2022 13:03

Yes

Subulter · 11/01/2022 13:03

Yy I think the old adage is just classism tbh. They mean 'gentlemen' by class and money - not by behaviour. [...] Thinking rugby is for 'gentlemen' is elitist and classist, and can translate into certain rugby teams and clubs being cliquey.

I'd agree with this, and my nine year old plays soccer, rugby and GAA -- I haven't noticed any particular differences in 'culture'. He's still in a mixed-sex league, too.

SuPerDoPer · 11/01/2022 13:04

I've followed a lot if the recent news stories about long term head injuries in professional rugby players and footballers and I do worry about my kids doing these sports (I would also worry about horse riding) but no reason why a 5 year old can't go and run around a field with his mates for a couple of years.

itwasntaparty · 11/01/2022 13:05

For a start he's 5! He'll be playing tag.

Second would you let a daughter play hockey? Hockey clubs have the same rep, as do stables, football etc

PotatoPie888 · 11/01/2022 13:06

Lots of former players are suing for long term injuries. I come from a rugby town (not Union) and it’s full of men who limp and are developing Parkinson’s etc because of playing rugby. It’s scary.

SleepingStandingUp · 11/01/2022 13:06

Yabu to stop a potential interest now in case he decides to take it up as a career 15 years down the line

Minster2012 · 11/01/2022 13:07

I would prefer my son to play & be part of rugby than football, my husband has been friends for years with his group. I would also say you could say the same for ANY sport he gets into or university club.

I played hockey competitively for years (female teams) & we did the same kind of initiations, drinking, debauchery as any of them mens teams. Was fantastic fun. As weee a lot of the "book clubs" at uni for instance. Don't worry about what's years ahead & hell if he ends up being good then it ain't a bad career path 😂

user1363157897422457887532356 · 11/01/2022 13:09

The dementia issue with rugby would possibly bother me more.

RitaFires · 11/01/2022 13:12

@StrychnineInTheSandwiches

The potential for long term head injuries is the most worrying thing about rugby. Obv this is only going to effect 0.01% of 5 year olds who express an interest in the sport, but ex-players of 40 developing dementia is bloody tragic.
I agree with this, not an issue at 5 but worth considering for the future. A family member had to see a neurologist and having noticed how many other patients were there for rugby related injuries, my mother would never allow any of her kids to play it.
Springlikely · 11/01/2022 13:13

My DS15 has played rugby since he was 5 and also plays football. The culture in Rugby is so much more about team work and respect than it is in football. Ime football attracts or creates over inflated egos. Plus in rugby there's no rolling on the floor with great drama after a little tap, like I see in football every week.

Campfirewood · 11/01/2022 13:13

On the culture point, specifically, I've been on numerous University and local sports teams and have seen and been involved in various initiations and culture you describe... 1) it's not just men 2) it's REALLY died down in the last 20 years, it's basically not accepted anymore. The Uni I went to has totally banned it. The culture around sports teams in general has changed a lot. It's more about fitness and health now than the booze culture being ubiquitous.

PotatoPie888 · 11/01/2022 13:16

The usual tropes about rugby Union equalling nice middle-class, gentlemanly standards and football being played by unpleasant, cheating kids are in full force today.

AnEpisodeOfEastenders · 11/01/2022 13:19

You could take him to football instead! Seriously, you need to get a grip.

Sparklingbrook · 11/01/2022 13:20

@PotatoPie888

The usual tropes about rugby Union equalling nice middle-class, gentlemanly standards and football being played by unpleasant, cheating kids are in full force today.
It's always the same on here when you mention Rugby. Grin

One thing's certain though if your DC decide to take up either sport (or both imagine that) and stick with it be prepared for endless driving about into the middle of nowhere all weekend, standing at the sidelines in sheet rain and blizzards and mud, oh god THE MUD. Shock

Hankunamatata · 11/01/2022 13:22

He is 5 and may not even continue to like rugby in 2 or 3 years

DrWhoNowww · 11/01/2022 13:23

I worked behind a bar in a rugby club for three years during my late teens.

Without exception, every player, coach, hanger on etc was decent to deal with, they were respectful, polite and made sure they cleaned up after themselves (I remember the junior coach keeping them all back for half hour to clean the club entrance because one of them had forgot to take their muddy boots off…they made it shine Grin)

I used to love Sunday’s when the minis were playing, they’re so funny at that age - and again incredibly polite as well as the parents!

My nephews have just started under 10’s football and I swear it’s a different world - mainly the parents to be honest, I’ve never heard interaction with the ref from the parents for mini rugby like you see with mini football.

I don’t know what it is - maybe pressure in that good footballers obviously make much more than good rugby players, maybe a general culture, who knows.

I do know that if my 5 year old wanted to play rugby I wouldn’t worry about the culture aspect of it though.

VoiceOfCommonSense · 11/01/2022 13:24

What a stupid thing to say. Do you think your 5 year old is going to be playing drinking games and being sexist towared women. It's got nothing to do with the game.

RaginaPhalange · 11/01/2022 13:27

Yabu! My dh has played rugby from a young age. He would train and go to the gym a lot. He's not had any serious injurys. He has had concussions, dislocated shoulder and knee. They do play gross drinking game. I remember him telling me he had to down some weird pint cocktail with a sausage roll dunked in it. He now plays when he can and trains when he can.

Not sure where you're getting the bad treatment of women from. I've met most of the guys he plays with (and wives/gf's) and they're all decent men who are playing rugby for a bit of fun then having a drink after the game. Yes they act very immature but all they're doing is letting off steam imo.

My ds also 5 goes to rugby. I have no issue with this. He loves it. If he keeps at it. We will be making him aware of risk of injury the more contact they get. He has watched rugby so is already aware of possible Injury. Also the drinking part doesn't bother me either would rather after a rugby match apposed to in a park somewhere doing who knows what.

KO81 · 11/01/2022 13:28

@StrychnineInTheSandwiches

And in my experience the old adage of “football is a gentlemen’s game played by thugs, while rugby is a thugs’ game played by gentlemen,” is largely true.

People always trot this one out and I'm not sure I agree with it. I've seen plenty of boorish behaviour from rugby players.

But if a 5 year old is enthusiastic about a sport I'd certainly be encouraging them to try it out.

Hence ‘largely true’.

You get bad apples everywhere but on the whole, the culture of rugby is brilliant and players are held to a high standard of conduct. I have experience of both sports and the conduct of players, coaches and sideline parents is markedly better in rugby than in football. In my own experience.

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 11/01/2022 13:30

Both my DS's played and so did DD at that age.

Most rugby clubs are very family orientated and friendly.
At that age it will be team work and ball skills in the fresh air and
I look very fondly back on those days.

Let him have a go and enjoy it.
If he carries on playing for the next 15 years then see.

At both of my boys secondary schools it was not optional so he will play at school-might as well know how!