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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want my son to do rugby because of the culture?

263 replies

sausagedogsforever · 11/01/2022 11:38

I probably am being unreasonable but, my DS aged 5 really wants to do rugby. He once had a taster session, loved it and has asked to go since (for a good year). So shows no signs of getting over the urge.

I am thinking maybe I should take him again to another taster (maybe he won't like it) but also what if he loves it?

I used to like watching rugby and I find the games much more family friendly to watch than football matches. However, I've heard terrible things about rugby players and rugby playing culture? Like gross drinking games, sexism, just all round bad behaviour and treatment of women, initiation games to fit in etc.
is this really what it's like? Does anyone have any experience?
The other issue is injury, it's likely in a sport like that, so do I really want to encourage this?
Any advice welcome. Has anyone got a rugby playing son/husband?
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
KO81 · 11/01/2022 20:14

@Mufasa1118

I have to say that the worst man that I have ever met was a rugby player. He was so sexist and awful. And he would always text me about sex. All the time. Nothing else. And he didn't seem to see women as humans
He was just an arsehole. I don’t think it was due to playing rugby…
massistar · 11/01/2022 20:15

@Mojoj don't they just. 🤣🤣🤣

Sunbeams · 11/01/2022 20:19

If your son likes it let him rip. My DH is a kiwi and took our DS along to rugby and he liked it and played into his teens then other activities (dance) took over. As far as the negative things you mentioned, that did not go on in the youth setup , that sounds more like uni teams being stupid. Hopefully the club you go too have good coaches and he makes friends and has fun (the main objective)

Frazzled50yrold · 11/01/2022 20:19

My son is in his early 20's now and has played rugby since he was 5. His sense of discipline is astonishing and he has a wide variety of friends of all ages. He's severely dyslexic but is an academic high flyer and I've never doubted that his rugby background has enabled him to be successful.It's a sport where young players at the club socialise with men and women of all backgrounds and ages.

GreetingsAndSalutations · 11/01/2022 20:21

He’s 5, chill out and make the most of your child wanting to take part in a sport where he’s out in the fresh air, learning new skills and making new friends.

Mufasa1118 · 11/01/2022 20:22

K081

It was due to rugby. I happened to know the man I'm talking about before and after he played rugby.

Before he played rugby, he was nice kind, intelligent and lovely. A great person

Then he started playing rugby with a local team. After a year playing rugby with them, he was a completely different person. The Change in him was shocking. He became arrogant, cruel, nasty and sexist. I stopped being friends with him

Before he played rugby he used to talk to me about philosophy and books.

After he played rugby, he texted me about my tits and that he wanted to fuck me.

He became so nasty. The old him was gone.

Mufasa1118 · 11/01/2022 20:23

I think in rugby they are pressured to be sexist and misogynistic

jellyfrizz · 11/01/2022 20:26

Choose a club with a strong women’s section. Far less likely to be sexist.

Letsrunabath · 11/01/2022 20:26

My son played rugby from 5 and is now at Uni playing rugby. He likes a drink but is a gentleman and very considerate of others. Rugby gives young people discipline and a feeling of comradeship with all different people from all walks of life. Let him play, it’s a winter sport and it gives focus when it’s so easy to stay indoors and do nothing.

KO81 · 11/01/2022 20:36

@Mufasa1118

K081

It was due to rugby. I happened to know the man I'm talking about before and after he played rugby.

Before he played rugby, he was nice kind, intelligent and lovely. A great person

Then he started playing rugby with a local team. After a year playing rugby with them, he was a completely different person. The Change in him was shocking. He became arrogant, cruel, nasty and sexist. I stopped being friends with him

Before he played rugby he used to talk to me about philosophy and books.

After he played rugby, he texted me about my tits and that he wanted to fuck me.

He became so nasty. The old him was gone.

Right.
TheHairyDinosaur · 11/01/2022 20:39

@Mufasa1118

K081

It was due to rugby. I happened to know the man I'm talking about before and after he played rugby.

Before he played rugby, he was nice kind, intelligent and lovely. A great person

Then he started playing rugby with a local team. After a year playing rugby with them, he was a completely different person. The Change in him was shocking. He became arrogant, cruel, nasty and sexist. I stopped being friends with him

Before he played rugby he used to talk to me about philosophy and books.

After he played rugby, he texted me about my tits and that he wanted to fuck me.

He became so nasty. The old him was gone.

What from playing club rugby? It's not a cult you know...maybe he had a personality disorder or something,.mental health issues explaining the sudden change in character. Or maybe he was always a dick and was just pretending to be nice to get in your knickers but then realised it wasn't working so just reverted to himself.

Every rugby player I have met/dated has been fine, yes they get a bit lively in the club and do stupid things like jump off the club house roof 🤦🏻‍♀️ but I was never disrespected, hurt or intimidated by them.

And when I have worked with them on a professional level including the WRU professional men's team and women's team, and Mr Gatland himself, they were nothing but polite, respectful and enjoyable to be around.

Mufasa1118 · 11/01/2022 20:40

KO81 what do you mean. Are you saying I'm a liar? This was absolutely my experience. It's so annoying when someone says you are lying, when it actually did happen.

There are loads of stories online about rugby players being sexist. Maybe the system should change.

KO81 · 11/01/2022 20:45

@Mufasa1118

KO81 what do you mean. Are you saying I'm a liar? This was absolutely my experience. It's so annoying when someone says you are lying, when it actually did happen.

There are loads of stories online about rugby players being sexist. Maybe the system should change.

I didn’t say you were lying. I said ‘right’ in a way as to suggest I believe there might be a little more to it than ‘nice man takes up rugby and becomes grade-A twat’. And that doesn’t mean I doubt your version of events, I don’t, that’s what happened to you, but I expect there were other variables than just the taking up of a sport.
Mufasa1118 · 11/01/2022 20:48

I'm in Ireland. I also remember the famous rugby alleged gang rape case here.

Northern Irish rugby players were accused of gang raping a girl in Northern Ireland.

It was a couple of years ago. They were all found to be innocent, and it sparked mass protests all over Ireland . I remember being out protesting on the street.

We were Ppotesting at them being found innocent. Because the girl had blood in her underwear.

If you Google "Belfast rape trial* you will see it

Longleggedgiraffe · 11/01/2022 20:49

I have a rugby playing husband and he's a gent.. Rugby is a sport. No different in macho culture to football or where any group of males come together to play sport.

At 5 he'll be taught to play appropriate to his age, so the concerns you have brought up won't even be in evidence for many years.

You can't shelter him from all the negative sides of sports as he grows up, only teach him how to cope with the sort of situations you envisage, and act according to his upbringing.

Mufasa1118 · 11/01/2022 20:52

K081 ok thank you for the response

TheFlyHalfsMum · 11/01/2022 20:58

Playing rugby won’t change the boy your son is by nature. My son’s an aspiring professional rugby player (long way to go yet!) and he isn’t misogynistic (quite the reverse) and so he wouldn’t get involved in any of that behaviour if it happened- which it hasn’t yet. And I’m not being a naïve mum, he’s got into bother before now for taking other lads on when they’re homophobic or misogynistic.

Let him enjoy the game, bring him up properly and you’re very unlikely to have a problem.

HeidiHaus · 11/01/2022 21:15

We know lots of lovely rugby players so I wouldn't be overly concerned at this stage.
However I have witnessed a university rugby team initiation and it was grim Shock

JudgeJ · 11/01/2022 23:44

gleefully written up in The Art of Coarse Rugby.

Hell, I will now need to go and find our copy of that, hilarious, also the Art of Coarse Sailing, it was a series of books.

backtolifebacktoreality · 11/01/2022 23:45

He's five!!!!!

SammyScrounge · 12/01/2022 00:30

@ClaudiaWankleman

This isn't going to be popular, but I think that can describe any group of men that meet up.

I agree - men from all walks of life act like that. Women also partake in drinking games, bad behaviour and initiation games. He'll be just as likely to find that kind of group down the park when he's 13 and has no hobbies as he is at a rugby club.

It's a rite of passage for many boys. You really shouldn't interfere with initiation into the male tribe - it-s important to them. Besides he's only 5 - he could change his preferences 100 times before he's involved with a club.
Billandben444 · 12/01/2022 06:05

OP, I for one have read your updates! I hope your little boy loves it and, if not, plenty of other stuff to try. You've made the right decision.

BoredZelda · 12/01/2022 16:23

Badminton players are not boorish or sexist!

No, that's just the coaches, apparently.

www.bbc.co.uk/sport/badminton/59964249

Valeriekat · 13/01/2022 08:59

My son played and it was great for him.
There is a place for every physical type on a rugby team
One of his team mates had same sex partner parents (both women)
They boys didn't care.
My close relative plays on a Gay team.
As he gets older choose his team carefully by making sure that you like the coaches.

CockingASnook · 13/01/2022 09:10

I’d be more concerned about head injuries and concussions once he graduates to full contact rugby, especially in young developing brains. Lots of recent studies to Google. there is a beery, chauvinistic culture at university-level rugby clubs too. But at 5 he’s just going to enjoy running around with his mates.