AIBU to not want my son to do rugby because of the culture?

[sausagedogsforever]

I probably am being unreasonable but, my DS aged 5 really wants to do rugby. He once had a taster session, loved it and has asked to go since (for a good year). So shows no signs of getting over the urge.

I am thinking maybe I should take him again to another taster (maybe he won't like it) but also what if he loves it?

I used to like watching rugby and I find the games much more family friendly to watch than football matches. However, I've heard terrible things about rugby players and rugby playing culture? Like gross drinking games, sexism, just all round bad behaviour and treatment of women, initiation games to fit in etc.
is this really what it's like? Does anyone have any experience?
The other issue is injury, it's likely in a sport like that, so do I really want to encourage this?
Any advice welcome. Has anyone got a rugby playing son/husband?
Am I being unreasonable?

At 5 it wouldn’t bother me. As a teenager the culture wouldn’t concern me but the level of injury would. Added to which there are currently ongoing studies into a possible link between people who play rugby and then go on to develop MND.

Erm he's 5

Maybe revisit your concerns if you can smell beer on his breath within a month of starting to play....

My DS has been laying rugby since he was 5, he's now nearly 17 and still loves the sport.

Rugby culture is one of the reasons he still plays. Unlike football which he gave up last year.

It's a culture where there's a place in the team for every kid who wants to play. Not just the early talented ones. It's a culture where team spirit is drummed into them, it's not about individuals. It's a culture where, win or lose, they all shake hands and go back to the clubhouse with the opposing team after a match.

DS's U18 youth team have an ex international female head coach who they all respect and admire. Yes there's an element of pints after the match but to be honest that's part of the attraction for him as he loves the social aspect.

Having watched junior football and rugby weekly over the last 12 years I'm delighted he chose rugby.

Rugby culture is evolving like every sub culture. Hard to prove, but I bet the pro's of involvement in the sport outweigh the cons. In any case, I certainly wouldn't let this worry me at age 5.

Motor neurone disease: Intense exercise increases risk, say scientists www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-57431412

I think it's fine because he's 5. I know DCs who played until high school. They stopped as soon as it became contact.

I wouldn't recommend it for older DCs because of the risk of injury and because the culture in the rugby teams here is exactly as you describe.

In saying all that, yes, the risks of injury are worrying but teams are shit hot on concussion protocols these days which alleviates the risk of brain injury.

As long as you bring him up properly to reject any misogynistic ideas then it’s fine; you have much more influence than rugby on how he’ll behave as he grows up

My DH is a rugby player. As are all my nephews. And some of my neices! None of them are twats or sexist or idiots. They all have naice jobs with naice partners and have enjoyed the sport a lot.

Much nicer than football culture (my own opinion).

Rugby isn’t often on the news for moronic fans doing stupid things like football is.

My husband plays rugby. The group of friends that he has made are the most lovely bunch of chaps, they are all so close. It really builds a strong team and close relationships. I think you are being swayed but the few that ruin it for the rest of them, as with so many people with lots of sports/activities.

All my friends boys do rugby and it's focused them on being fit, healthy and disciplined. It's not the1970's anymore. Right players are professional sports athletes

I didn't want my ds to do rugby because of the risk of injury. He was very briefly interested in playing but luckily football is his preferred choice.

I would worry more about injury than the culture. However, at five I assume it's tag rugby so no contact and I'm sure your ds won't be off on any stag nights or pub crawls in the near future so I'd let him do it.

*rugby

DSS played throughout his teen years and I’d say on the whole it was very positive. Yes, there were some injuries, and definitely a drinking culture as they got to older teens, but all the boys who played loved it, and they are still a tight knit group even though most don’t play any more.

They were very supportive when he was going through some very hard stuff, and I think they really helped him turn things around.

We all had Covid after Xmas, and a couple of them dropped groceries and take aways round, they really are a lovely bunch of lads!

I went out with a rugby player in my teens. We both did a lot of drinking (as did everyone I knew) but he was very respectful.

My daughters play Minis? (Think that's the term for the U11s bit before Juniors?). The team is great with them despite being the only girls in that section. No sexism whatsoever (only a changing room issue... old clubhouse with one open changing room and set of showers so they can't use it... in the older age groups they don't schedule overlapping girls/woman's games with boys/mens to get round it).

Its very family orientated. I'm such the Mens team behaves differently alone, like any group of men. But its modernising.

DDs got into it through school. (Local Private School shares their sports coaches for free with their Primary School)

I’d take rugby a million times over footie and cricket.

And in my experience the old adage of “football is a gentlemen’s game played by thugs, while rugby is a thugs’ game played by gentlemen,” is largely true.

People always trot this one out and I'm not sure I agree with it. I've seen plenty of boorish behaviour from rugby players.

But if a 5 year old is enthusiastic about a sport I'd certainly be encouraging them to try it out.

If he starts drinking and calling women sexist names then you can pull him out. But he's five, so it's unlikely they'll be giving him beers for at least the first few months.

Keeping him away from lad culture isn't the way to protect him. Fair better to teach him how to stand up for himself and disengage from people who are saying sexist shit.

I would be somewhat worried about injuries, but I think you've probably got half a decade before it's time to worry about that in any serious way.

What you have described is the behaviour of every male group. So unless he is never allowed to hang around with groups of men then he will experience a lot of that.

However, all the men in my family play rugby. My kids started young and love it. It is a great game and all the boys are really supportive of each other. It is really great to watch actually, after a tackle or ruck and your kid is on the ground, someone from their team or the other team will give them a hand and they clap each other on the back then run back to the play. It really is a great game for camaraderie. The older teens in the club help out sometimes with the younger ones, and they're great. My oldest son did football as well as rugby and you could see the difference in the culture. He said himself that the older boys in the football were much more intimidating and "laddy".

Also in rugby, they play to the whistle. There isn't arguing and shouting at the ref, or rolling around on the ground looking for a penalty. Even if it is a bad call from the ref, the kids are taught right from a young age that you accept it and get back in the game. No fights or nastiness. And after, all the boys get food and when they're older they have a drink together without any of the nasty rivalry between teams. (Therr are obviosily exceptions but generally, it is really nice and respectful sport).

If he's going to do a male dominated sport then really, rugby is not a bad choice.

In terms of culture, you'll find that rugby players (and supporters) are a hell of lot better behaved and mannered than football. Case in point, supporters in stadiums are mixed together and you're allowed to drink in the stands because supporters for rival teams tend not to get blind drunk and attack each other like you see at football matches. (Yes I am aware of a sweeping generalisation here, but this entire thread is about stereotypes!). The behaviour of the players is also generally better, they may look like thugs but they show each other and the referee a lot of respect.

At university, the rugby lads were no worse than those from other sports - they all had hellish initiations and drank themselves stupid.

I massively hope my son gets into rugby rather than football. The only consideration from your original post I'd agree with is that injuries can and do happen, but not until they start playing contact rugby which is a long way off for your son yet.

We have a local rugby club who come into the pub I work in for nights out, usually a pub crawl, round of same drinks in every pub. They are chaperoned by the retired players and kept in check all night for behaviour and over indulgence. Any bad behaviour is a reflection on the the club as a whole and very harshly dealt with. I've never witnessed any trouble from them in over 20 years of serving them. They are polite, kind, well behaved and tip well I'd rather them any night than a football team/ supporters.

Close friend pulled her 14 yo son out of rugby - underage drinking encouraged by coaches, awful drunken behaviour after matches. It's a great sport, but some of the historic behaviours round it are toxic.

Football is way worse and I've never heard anyone complain about a 5 year old wanting to get involved in that. Football fans, the aggression, the drinking, the division between clubs is all terrible. You never ever see rugby fans ransacking the city like football fans do. Obviously a lot of generalisation there, not all fans etc but I've never seen rugby fans reported on the news for running riot.

My son doesn't play but my 13 yr old daughter does and has done for a number of years now. I can't speak for all clubs but her rugby club caters for very small children right up to adults. Without fail she has been supported, as have the entire girls/women's teams. They have been included in all activities. The coaches have been fantastic even through the various lockdowns. I have seen them turnaround troubled children and support children from poorer backgrounds. The male players have never been disrespectful although I'm sure that the changing room banter, at times, can be lively as it is with the U15 girls. I would not hesitate to send my child to our rugby club. With regards to injuries, of course there is a chance of injury but the children are very well looked after. My daughter plays full contact rugby and they always wear a gum shield. She always wears a headguard and the club are diligent in their care for safety. The worse injury she has had, despite also being a rock climber is a knee dislocation and crutches for three months after dancing in the kitchen.