Do you ever privately judge people for bringing a baby into bad circumstances?

[Boilthekettleplease]

I've wondered how other people feel about this.

I'm coming to terms with not having a child of my own, because ultimately it would be putting my own needs ahead of any child to risk trying to have one. There's a high chance it would be a medical disaster and I'd be permanently seriously affected, which means I wouldn't be as able to look after the child, or die a few years later from kidney failure.

I'm curious if people would judge me for (hypothetically) trying to be a mum in a situation like this? Or do most people feel that the drive for a child is so strong they understand why people try against all the odds?

Do you ever judge people for having a child in situations where there are predictable risks or downsides?

No, never. None of us know what the future holds. Anything could happen tomorrow. Everyone who has a baby takes a huge risk regardless of the circumstances.

I wouldn't. I wouldn't judge anyone for having or not having a child. Who am I to say who should and shouldn't be having children.

I especially hate when people say you shouldn't have children you can't afford. Having children shouldn't be just for the well off.

Sorry to say this but I do feel like people who are above 55 years old who have children are selfish. It's not nice for a 20 odd year old to start worrying about the death of their parents.

I wouldn't personally.

I was the baby born into circumstances anyone would consider "bad" (unplanned, 19yo unstable single mother, bio father MIA). My childhood was undeniably crap & I will always have tendencies towards anxiety + depression, but I actually love my life now. I wouldn't want not to exist! That's only my experience though. I really can't tell anyone what to do or not to do

@Boilthekettleplease have you actually discussed getting pregnant with your medical team.
There should be expertise about planning pregnancies etc. more might be possible than you think.

I had a baby in what some people would consider 'bad circumstances'. It didn't seem that bad to me at the time I fell pregnant (although maybe it did to other people?), but by the time my DD was born things were a bit grim.

And I do feel judged for it, even if people don't explicitly say so.

Like a pp, I also hate it when people say shouldn't have kids you can't afford.

People won't admit it but yes people.will

I think you’re doing a selfless and sensible thing. I expect it’s horrifically hard.

I do think there’s a difference between knowing circumstances are bad and may worsen, and circumstances changing unexpectedly. Bad luck can happen to us all, but deliberately rolling the dice when you know there’s a good chance a child might have a poor quality of life or heartbreak in their future is not something I can applaud.

I’d like to think I don’t judge, but I’m not sure I’d be 100% honest in saying that, no.

Do you have kidney disease? If you do, you should discuss family planning with your nephrologist (if you haven’t already), as your condition may not necessarily mean it’s unsafe to have children.

Short answer is yes. I can understand the drive to have children but, once born, those children need a chance too. In your situation what would your plan for your child be if things did go badly wrong with you? Having a loving father or wider family around to help pick up the pieces is one thing. But basically being orphaned and alone at age 4 is another.

As for having children you cant afford, I reckon everyone who can care for one should have the option of a child or two. But when it gets to 3/4/5 children because you want a big family but cant provide for one, yeah I'd judge that as well.

Yes. Children are innocent and don’t deserve to be born with the deck stacked against them if it can be helped

If I’m being brutally honest yes, sometimes. I don’t mean an unplanned pregnancy at 18 but actually the partner gets onboard, there’s a supportive family etc but the ‘DH is an abusive dick and I’m planning how to leave, oh and I’’ 8 months pregnant with DC3’ are a bit .

No, I would never judge. The desire to have a child is very strong and totally natural. And in all my years I have never met a single one (except in deeply troubled times before they got help) who would have preferred never to have existed.

Yes, I everybody judges everybody, that's life. If you were to plan to get pregnant knowing you were to die shortly afterwards because you took that choice, I do no think that is fair. The loss of a parent is devastating and I could not imagine putting my child through that if I had a choice.

However, falling pregnant by accident is a completely different and circumstances do change.

Everyone judges everyone but it's what you do
After that initial judgement that counts, I try to be kind and empathetic and open minded and I would happily be proven wrong

Honestly? Yes. I judge people all the time, it's a fairly common part of human nature.

Personally if I knew someone who actively tried to bring a child into a situation that was dangerous / harmful etc I would judge them, that doesn't mean I would be telling them this! I'd keep my opinions to myself.

Yes. If they deliberately had a child when they were addicted to drugs or homeless. I know there can be many reasons for being in those situations, which I don’t judge, but choosing to bring a child into that situation then no. That child will be vulnerable, and possibly dependent on the state, and have fewer prospects in life.

Yes. Having a child should be the most important decision a person ever makes. Too many people give it hardly any consideration.

As someone with my own health problems, I am unlikely to pass outside judgment on someone choosing to have a child as long as she is working with her doctors when making the decision.

I especially hate when people say you shouldn't have children you can't afford. Having children shouldn't be just for the well off.

Agree with this.

Back before genetic testing, family of a friend:
Husband owned his own company, wife was SAHM to three healthy girls. DH wanted a SON to go into business with him. Baby #4 was a boy -- but he had some kind of rare genetic disorder. Blind, brain-damaged, and life expectancy of 2 years. DH insisted that he must have a son. So they had two more damaged babies who suffered until their early deaths. Finally, male baby #4 was healthy. The SON he wanted. But all those pregnancies and dead babies had given SAHM both physical and mental problems. She took her own life when the youngest child was two years old.

Yes, the whole community judged him for his selfishness.

I wouldn’t judge you on medical grounds, at all. Definitely seek out a healthcare team who could help you see what is possible. My mum is disabled with a very rare genetic condition- she’s had a brilliant career, long marriage & 3 kids, all unaffected by the genetic condition. I’m sure she was judged but she absolutely wouldn’t care what other people thought. She was told she’d never walk, never marry, and never have children. She did all three & more. I’m sure it was hard for her physically & some would say she wasn’t ‘fully able’ but we had a very happy childhood & my mum is the strongest, most resilient person I know. She strived in the direction of love & hope despite hard circumstances. She was born in the 60’s when there was no real understanding of her condition, and my grandma had 4 children, all affected, with two of them dying at home before 2. My mum found Dr Robin Winter in the 80s, a very accomplished geneticist and te supported her through us three babies. I’m now pregnant with the first grandchild- my grandma is still alive, as is my mum- both are over the moon. If you think it might be possible then I’d really encourage you to find a consultant who can give you some answers & perhaps help you on your journey. Good luck! xoxo

@Missmaya

I wouldn't. I wouldn't judge anyone for having or not having a child. Who am I to say who should and shouldn't be having children.

I especially hate when people say you shouldn't have children you can't afford. Having children shouldn't be just for the well off.

Saying you shouldn’t have children you can’t afford is not the same as saying only the well off should have children. I don’t know why this line is constantly trotted out on MN.

You don’t need to be ‘rich’ to be have children. They do not need lots of toys, luxury items or brand new clothes. However you should be in a position to provide (at the very least) a decent level of care, food and shelter. Unplanned pregnancies aside, I think it is completely idiotic to have children you can’t clothe or feed. It is unfair on those children as growing up in poverty is pretty shit. The number of children in this country living in sub standard conditions, neglected and fed awful diets because their parents made the decision to have more children then they can possibly manage is a tragedy.

And before the flaming starts, I am not referring to parents who suffer a change in circumstances after their children are born, that is obviously entirely different.

I guess it would depend on the situation. If the parent was having difficulties but the child was basically safe and cared for, probably not, although I think I'd feel a bit of pity for both parent and child for any struggles they might have. But if the circumstances were such that the child was not safe and/or not adequately cared for, or if the child was having to be the care-giver, I'd be a little judge-y.

But I'd try to temper it by reminding myself that I may not be in complete possession of all the facts. And that 'judge not lest ye also be judged' is a good thing to remember.

[quote MauveMavis]@Boilthekettleplease have you actually discussed getting pregnant with your medical team.
There should be expertise about planning pregnancies etc. more might be possible than you think.[/quote]
Of course I have discussed extensively with my different consultants.

This is not something you decide lightly, or without fully exploring all options. But I am where I am.

Yes I do.

Bringing babies into grown adult mess i can't get behind.

By that I mean living in poverty with a crap unsupportive partner and no support but being pregnant with baby number 2 despite things being shit with baby number 1.

Totally sucks for the kids.

I don't judge your type of situation when it's medical and beyond your control.

I do secretly judge when people bring kids into messy situations I.e. already have kids with unreliable partner and living in poverty, then they go on to have more kids 😩😩😩