Do you ever privately judge people for bringing a baby into bad circumstances?

[Boilthekettleplease]

I've wondered how other people feel about this.

I'm coming to terms with not having a child of my own, because ultimately it would be putting my own needs ahead of any child to risk trying to have one. There's a high chance it would be a medical disaster and I'd be permanently seriously affected, which means I wouldn't be as able to look after the child, or die a few years later from kidney failure.

I'm curious if people would judge me for (hypothetically) trying to be a mum in a situation like this? Or do most people feel that the drive for a child is so strong they understand why people try against all the odds?

Do you ever judge people for having a child in situations where there are predictable risks or downsides?

You can't know for definite what needs or circumstances could happen having a child. But I do somewhat judge people deliberately bringing additional children into the world when they can't care for the one/ones they have already.

Adding; but that is not to say that I wouldn't understand why the person had a child 'against the odds'. You can understand why someone has done a thing and still not approve of it.

A friend of mine at uni got married and had a baby fairly young when she knew she was terminally ill. I assumed she’d done this because she didn’t know how much time she had left. Then she died when her baby was about three. I don’t judge her exactly - she was in a horrible position and probably just really wanted to be a mother. But I feel bad for her daughter and I wonder if she’d have done things the same if she knew how long she had. But I guess none of us knows that so what’s the point worrying about it.

Yes I do. I’m waiting until I can give a child a good chance so people who don’t do this confuse me. Obviously things can change in life, but people should be as practical as they can be when deciding to whether have a family.

I don't judge but I find it terribly sad

@DriftingBlue

Yes. Having a child should be the most important decision a person ever makes. Too many people give it hardly any consideration.

As someone with my own health problems, I am unlikely to pass outside judgment on someone choosing to have a child as long as she is working with her doctors when making the decision.

Agree with this.

I definitely judge the rushing into having a baby, not accidental pregnancies, but actively trying for a baby with someone you barely know. I think I used to be more tolerant until someone I know planned to get pregnant after meeting bf of 3 months, then when he dumped her 2 weeks after +ve test, she had an abortion. I definitely judged her and still do.

I know a woman who had a lung transplant at 14, and was desperate for a baby. With careful management they made it happen, very much an ‘against the odds’ story and she had a beautiful girl when she was about 22. She’s obviously very very happy, her mother and father have a large role in the little girls life as Mum is often struggling with health. But she can do all the things she’s dreamed about like Santa visits, Christmas and birthdays etc and they do so much with the little one. Unfortunately I don’t think the prognosis is good for this woman and she is unlikely to see her child make high school. The child is healthy. It’s just sad because the child will inevitably have to watch her mum suffer and pass away at a young age, and be without her in later childhood and as she progresses into adulthood. It’s just a different experience I suppose. You could say it’s selfish or you could say she’s selfless because she does literally live for the child, I don’t know. You could have kids and then find out you have a terrible illness and die. You could be hit by a bus. Anything could happen. I suppose it’s the knowing that something will happen and you will be affected medically that you have to take into account, and how much you think this would impact a child and your ability to parent.

@Boilthekettleplease

I especially hate when people say you shouldn't have children you can't afford. Having children shouldn't be just for the well off.

Agree with this.

This is such nonsense.

You don't need to be "well off" just able to provide the absolute basics. Love and the absolute basics can go a LONG way.

But no if someone can't provide the basics I don't think they should have a child and I find it ridiculous many do and then complain when the government doesn't pick up the tab regardless of whether they have brought multiple kids into poverty or messy situations with unreliable partners who contribute nothing. Kids end up with so many issues.

Yes, I do.

I work in social housing and get shouted at pretty much every other day by mums who have 5/6/7 children in a 2/3 bedroom property demanding a bigger property ‘because my kids are all sharing a room and I’m pregnant again blah blah blah’.

It INFURIATES me that these people keep getting pregnant when they already haven’t got enough room and demanding 4, 5 and even 6 bed houses when (where I work) they’re like fucking gold dust, hence the long wait on the housing list. They seem to think the Councils/Housing Associations can just pull a property out of thin air for them 🤨🤬🙄

@Okbye

Yes, I do.

I work in social housing and get shouted at pretty much every other day by mums who have 5/6/7 children in a 2/3 bedroom property demanding a bigger property ‘because my kids are all sharing a room and I’m pregnant again blah blah blah’.

It INFURIATES me that these people keep getting pregnant when they already haven’t got enough room and demanding 4, 5 and even 6 bed houses when (where I work) they’re like fucking gold dust, hence the long wait on the housing list. They seem to think the Councils/Housing Associations can just pull a property out of thin air for them 🤨🤬🙄

I judge in these situations too.

Absolutely I judge. Why would you consider bringing a child into a world where you're not able to look after it and even worse knowing theres an extremely high possibility you'll die? What a burden to put on your child.

Not if they have the capacity to live that child,
No.

Inwardly yes. I don't think I can help it. Every body judges.

But I don't let my actions reflect my thoughts.

I think people who say they don't judge are just fibbing to themselves. It's human nature to compare and to think some choices you've made are better than those of others at times.

especially hate when people say you shouldn't have children you can't afford. Having children shouldn't be just for the well off

Yes, so if you have them you should deal with the consequences. Usually are the kids that suffer the most. I would not expect others to pay for my children.

@Mantlemoose

Absolutely I judge. Why would you consider bringing a child into a world where you're not able to look after it and even worse knowing theres an extremely high possibility you'll die? What a burden to put on your child.

I'm not doing it. I said that quite clearly in my first post.

But if you're attempting to scold me for daring to "consider" it and all the mental wrestling I've had to do over the past few years before arriving at this devastating conclusion, if you truly can't understand that I still LONG for a child irrespective of my health - then I don't know how to explain it to you.

Wanting to have a child is inherently selfish. I judge people that don't think about their future child above themselves. That means people who have more children than they can sensibly afford, those that keep having children despite deadbeat partners etc.

@logsonlogsoff if you mean love, then sorry but love is not enough. Children need food and shelter and care and security. Lots of neglected children are loved.

* Yes. Having a child should be the most important decision a person ever makes. Too many people give it hardly any consideration.*

^This

Yes.

Including my own mother who had me in appalling circumstances. The reality is when she was in hospital giving birth her husband was at home abusing her two eldest children. She stayed with him longer than she should because of her pregnancy..... I'm not even going to go into the toll on my memtal health knowing that my very existence caused my brother and sister to endure more sexual abuse. And again a few weeks when I became ill and ended up in hospital for a long time, he was having a field day at home.

She should have aborted. It's not as if id have known or cared and prioritised her existing dc. In fact everyone should prioritise their existing dc and circumstances above bringing more humans into the world.

I do yes. I don't judge people who have kids when their financial situation is shaky or bad. But I do judge people who have kids when they have a shit partner and they know it.

I'm not sure why one bothers me and the other doesnt. I cant put my finger on it. It's something to do with entitlement.

** Queenoftheashes

A friend of mine at uni got married and had a baby fairly young when she knew she was terminally ill.**

^I find that utterly selfish of her.

@Eastie77Returns the point is still the same, even if the % of the population who’re excluded from having children under your rules is smaller.

It’s not something that should be denied to anyone because of economic circumstances.

Not really. I don’t think there’s many situations where the alternative - not existing at all - would be preferred by the child,

I do feel annoyed by the endless threads on mumsnet where women describe their marriage as dead and their partner as abusive but they’re pregnant with number three. I just don’t understand at all. Similarly the threads where women consider ripping their existing child’s family apart in the off chance they meet someone who wants to have more children with them. I don’t get that thinking at all.

But I still don’t think those children would prefer not to exist.

I’m so sorry for your situation op, but I would judge you for deliberately attempting a pregnancy that’s likely to end in total disaster. I don’t think anyone who has lost a parent at a young age would willingly put their own child through such horrific trauma. Without knowing your circumstances, is surrogacy/adoption something you could consider

I would judge also, I grew up next to a family where the mum was likely to have Huntington’s, she had 4 kids at least one has now been diagnosed, 2 were taken into care as she is now dying herself. Horrific circumstances for the children.

The family believe the stress of pregnancy brought the symptoms out (but I’ve no idea if this is medically possible)
If you have no idea what’s for you then anything could happen, but if you have a good idea of the toll it would take then it’s reckless.

Could you adopt or foster?