Do you ever privately judge people for bringing a baby into bad circumstances?

[Boilthekettleplease]

I've wondered how other people feel about this.

I'm coming to terms with not having a child of my own, because ultimately it would be putting my own needs ahead of any child to risk trying to have one. There's a high chance it would be a medical disaster and I'd be permanently seriously affected, which means I wouldn't be as able to look after the child, or die a few years later from kidney failure.

I'm curious if people would judge me for (hypothetically) trying to be a mum in a situation like this? Or do most people feel that the drive for a child is so strong they understand why people try against all the odds?

Do you ever judge people for having a child in situations where there are predictable risks or downsides?

What? Should you not have kids if they’ll get bullied?

@FarDownTheRiver

What? Should you not have kids if they’ll get bullied?

No, you shouldn't have kids if they're going to end up being your career. There are studies on how damaging this is.

@FarDownTheRiver Carer* not career!

Entirely depends on the circumstances. Single mum - I don't judge at all (and no I'm not a single Mum)
I do know someone who was told her and her partner would have a child with certain defects that meant they would never have a normal life and she went ahead and planned a baby and now has a baby with many additional health and mental needs. I do judge that

@LovelyIssues

If you would judge someone with serious health issues which meant they wouldn’t be there for the child and the other parent may end up a single parent, then why wouldn’t you judge a single Mum?
After all she has also decided to have a child knowing it will be deprived of the other parent.

I don't judge the person with serious health issues. I do judge the person knowing that child will never have a normal life and is now in pain daily. A single mum can re marry etc not that is a necessarily to happiness at all. Health is.

I absolutely do, although sometimes with more sympathetic horror than judgement. I have two small DS and the urgent, constant need they have of me - physically, emotionally, financially - is so huge that I frequently worry about not being around for them if something happened. Before you have kids, you logically know how much they need you. But I found it a pretty brutal shock to understand in practice. I try not to think what would happen if one of us were seriously ill or died- they would be devastated.

@Fluffmum

I have a family member who keeps having children in bad circumstances. The kids are adorable and we just get on with it

Yes, bugger the cost to society and the fact that these children may well grown up into damaged adults. Just as long as we can all coo at an adorable ickly wickle baybeee eh?

@BettyBag

The economic imperative is becoming horrifyingly clear.

The biological imperative is pretty obvious too. Staying alive long enough to successfully pass on our DNA is literally our entire purpose, we would be utterly fucked as a species if we didn't have an incredibly strong drive to do this.

Are you saying as a deliberately childfree woman that I am some kind of traitor to the species?It’s not as though there’s a shortage of humans in the world. If anything you could argue the opposite.

Therefore it’s more important that children that are born are wanted and well provided for.

My sister had a baby with an alcoholic with some serious mental health issues who was frankly quite abusive. Unfortunately none of us realised any of this before she got pregnant. At one point before she left him (but after his problems became apparent) she was talking about giving her son a sibling. Thank f*ck she did leave before that happened.
But I can see how women in abusive relationships end up with multiple children with these men even though it was obvious who he was to everyone after the first. The level of manipulation that man used on her was next level.

She has a good job (can support herself and kid), supportive family and friends and she’s so smart and it was still hard for her leave and not go back. There are so many factors involved with the time she did finally successfully leave I can see how easily it could have been that she stayed and had more children with him.

So I find it very hard to judge women who keep having children with shit men.

Not really, as I am dealing with secondary infertility I usually focus on the baby stuff and how it's a new beginning and everything, and also as I don't want people to judge me for having or not having children, I cannot judge them either.

Tbh yes. Currently reading another thread about an abusive ex and I just find it difficult to imagine that they were fantastic guys initially, so the woman has a baby with him then all of a sudden, baby is born and he turns in to a psycho.

Yes it will happen sometimes, but I don’t believe it happens every time. I believe the signs would have been there but they were ignored. Then low and behold, another child doesn’t get the chance if a descent father figure.

@Starcup

Tbh yes. Currently reading another thread about an abusive ex and I just find it difficult to imagine that they were fantastic guys initially, so the woman has a baby with him then all of a sudden, baby is born and he turns in to a psycho.

Yes it will happen sometimes, but I don’t believe it happens every time. I believe the signs would have been there but they were ignored. Then low and behold, another child doesn’t get the chance if a descent father figure.

Yes, I think sometimes it's wishful thinking and believe that the guy will change after the baby is born. Never works.

Yes, I think sometimes it's wishful thinking and believe that the guy will change after the baby is born. Never works

Exactly, then there’s a child born who hardly gets to see their dad. When t mother says but he’s abusive, I’m sure he is, but still nights the question why would you chose to bring a baby in to the mess….

beggers the question