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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Where does everyone stand?

432 replies

pumkinbump · 27/10/2021 23:48

Posting here for traffic.

Married 7 years.

1 child age 6yrs.

Her - forever unemployed by choice. Cheated throughout marriage. DNA test needed on baby as didn't know who the father was. Left 8 months ago with be with someone else which was likely going on before the split. On benefits. Child is autistic so gets a mobility car which she has.

Him - full time worker. Paid for deposit on house. Paid every bill and mortgage payment for the duration of the relationship. Has their son 4/5 nights out of 7 as she doesn't want to. Pays her £100 a month despite this, plus extra for shoes, clothes etc.

He is terrified that she's going to claim half of the house in divorce.

Does anyone have any advice where he would stand on this?

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
WeAreTheHeroes · 27/10/2021 23:50

Get proper legal advice.

Original poster
pumkinbump · 27/10/2021 23:51

He will be, but just wondered if anyone had experienced anything similar.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 27/10/2021 23:53

Well, you've presented it from his side. What will her side be when she talks to her solicitor? Sounds like until the split, and from birth, she was a full time carer to their child with autism?

Clocktopus · 27/10/2021 23:54

It's impossible to say really as it's not cut and dried, it would depend on all sorts of factors.

arethereanyleftatall · 27/10/2021 23:55

It's quite standard for one party to be a sahp and one to be the wohp. 50/50 would be the starting point, but she could get more depending on how much of a career she has given up to look fatter their child. Affairs etc are irrelevant in the financial side of it.

Clocktopus · 27/10/2021 23:56

Welfare of the child would be an important consideration also and should be at the forefront of any legal proceedings.

Lotusmonster · 27/10/2021 23:56

Why don’t you just apply for custody of your DS? You’d need the roof for the DC. You can’t financially punish for the cheating. Probably need to start gathering evidence of the deposit origins. Get a good lawyer.

FrankButchersDickieBow · 27/10/2021 23:58

How long did she stay at home before splitting? I.e. how many years did she have the majority of care for their autistic son, allowing him to work full-time? Assuming she took their son for hospital appointments etc., in the motability car?

Clocktopus · 28/10/2021 00:00

The fact he qualifies for a mobility car would mean he is on higher level DLA as you don't get a car unless you have high rate mobility, this would suggest that rather than "unemployed by choice" she's unemployed to facilitate care for a child with complex needs?

TooBigForMyBoots · 28/10/2021 00:01

Wow! He's such a hero.🥰 And she's a right cow🐂 hurting him the way she is.🥺

It's just so, so, awful.😭😭😭

TooBigForMyBoots · 28/10/2021 00:02

Why do you ask @pumkinbump?Smile

Bananarama21 · 28/10/2021 00:05

Shes very much entitled to a percentage of the house she is married regardless of infidelity. The fact as someone stated she gets a mobility car would suggest she's on the higher rate and that she's not unemployed for the sake of it but facilitate the care of her son. Your post is completely biased to the father.

Original poster
pumkinbump · 28/10/2021 00:15

I'm asking for a friend. I'm not sure what the care arrangements were for the child before she left the house. I assume that she cared for the child during the day.

I mentioned the mobility car as she has the child now 2/3 nights a week. Surely as the father has the majority of the caring responsibilities, the DLA should be going to him, or at least a share of it.

If she did indeed have the lion share of caring, she's shirked them now she's moved out.

OP posts:
Original poster
pumkinbump · 28/10/2021 00:17

Sorry, she's been unemployed since before they met. Never had a job. The child is in school normal hours, and goes to a carer 2 times a week after school for an hour or two. So there's no reason she cannot work. She chooses not to. This is a side issue anyway. The main issue is what would happen to the house.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 28/10/2021 00:22

Well, they both need somewhere to live for when the child stays with them.
So, it depends on the rest of their finances.
My ex and I initially decided to sell up and split our pot 50/50 to buy 2 x (smaller but equally sized) houses. If one of us had stayed in the family home, the other would have been in a tiny flat in a different (cheaper) town which wouldn't have been fair.

Bananarama21 · 28/10/2021 00:26

pumkinbump I'm guessing the dh is your brother best advice stay out of it, it's not your business.

Bananarama21 · 28/10/2021 00:27

You sound very judgemental with only half the facts.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/10/2021 00:30

And, of course 'he's' paid every bill whilst she took care of their son for no wages. It's called 'family' money, not 'his' money.

Original poster
pumkinbump · 28/10/2021 00:30

I've just presented the facts as they are. I could say a lot more.

OP posts:
Original poster
pumkinbump · 28/10/2021 00:33

@arethereanyleftatall

And, of course 'he's' paid every bill whilst she took care of their son for no wages. It's called 'family' money, not 'his' money.
Yes, this is a way to look at it that I never did before.
OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/10/2021 00:35

If they’re married they both get a % of the house, depending on their needs, especially housing needs, and especially the housing needs of the children

It’s not about who earns what or to punish anyone

mmmmmgyrl · 28/10/2021 00:36

@TooBigForMyBoots

Why do you ask *@pumkinbump*?Smile
Sounds like a new girlfriend convinced the ex is good for nothing scrounger and she is desperate to help her new man, play mummy and screw the ex over despite it obviously sounding like due to mobility vehicle meaning higher DLA so DC's needs sounding quite complex she has been a full time carer. Having worked with children and adults with complex needs and challenging behaviour as well as having children with such issues in my extended family - I wouldn't work either if I had a child with such complex needs - because its a full time job; both physically and emotionally exhausting.

Not to mention all the housework as well. To say an hour twice a week respite with a carer is enough, is incredibly naive, esp given school hours often mean catching up on everything that couldn't be done when DC ia home.

What a judgey biased post. I hope she gets more than half.

Original poster
pumkinbump · 28/10/2021 00:42

No, definitely not a new gf who wants to play mummy.

I didn't say a hour or so with a carer twice a week was enough. I have absolutely no idea what it's like to care for a child with additional needs, and would never claim to.

Like I said, I could say a lot more on the matter, domestic violence on her part being one of them, but I presented the facts.

OP posts:
chocolatecerealcampingbrekkie · 28/10/2021 00:48

Three sides to every story- his side, her side and somewhere in the middle we find the truth.

chocolatecerealcampingbrekkie · 28/10/2021 00:49

This would make an interesting plot for a novel.