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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Where does everyone stand?

432 replies

pumkinbump · 27/10/2021 23:48

Posting here for traffic.

Married 7 years.

1 child age 6yrs.

Her - forever unemployed by choice. Cheated throughout marriage. DNA test needed on baby as didn't know who the father was. Left 8 months ago with be with someone else which was likely going on before the split. On benefits. Child is autistic so gets a mobility car which she has.

Him - full time worker. Paid for deposit on house. Paid every bill and mortgage payment for the duration of the relationship. Has their son 4/5 nights out of 7 as she doesn't want to. Pays her £100 a month despite this, plus extra for shoes, clothes etc.

He is terrified that she's going to claim half of the house in divorce.

Does anyone have any advice where he would stand on this?

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 28/10/2021 00:51

Motability cars aren’t free: they are paid for out of higher level disability benefits which are not handed out like confetti. The child must be severely disabled. Yet, you throw his autism diagnosis in as an aside, after insulting his mother, which shows where your priorities lie.

whatisthisinhere · 28/10/2021 00:57

Oh, I have two sons in special school, one of them qualifies for a Motability car, I work sporadically, but mostly not at all, because I can not sleep due to both of my sons nt sleeping. During the days when they are in school, I sleep, try to catch up on housework, exercise (to take care of my mental and physical health) and make sure to cook all the food they eat based in their sensory food needs. My ex and his wife think they should have full use of the Motability car, and that if I worked properly, he wouldn't have to pay maintenance. And they never have children over night.
He claims that I stop him from seeing his children, absolute bs - he just can not be bothered to stick to a routine, changes things at the last minute and wants to show up at my house as and when he pleases.
He refuses to pay maintenance, says I have forced Collect and Pay via CMS, he did this himself by refusing to pay. He has now defaulted with that so is probably feeling very pleased with himself. His wife however, thinks he's amazing and I am an evil greedy cow.

I'm just glad I got rid of him.
I bet the "she" in your OP is glad too

Clocktopus · 28/10/2021 00:57

Like I said, I could say a lot more on the matter, domestic violence on her part being one of them

Well thats a hell of drip feed.

whatisthisinhere · 28/10/2021 00:59

My ex emotionally, financially, and sexually abused me for years. When I started arguing back, he claimed I was verbally abusive. Oh and "crazy". To anyone one who will listen

Original poster
pumkinbump · 28/10/2021 00:59

@HeddaGarbled

Motability cars aren’t free: they are paid for out of higher level disability benefits which are not handed out like confetti. The child must be severely disabled. Yet, you throw his autism diagnosis in as an aside, after insulting his mother, which shows where your priorities lie.
How did I throw the autism aside? I'm not saying that they should not be awarded a higher level of disability or a car at all. But surely those things should go to the parent who has the child the most, and as I have said, it's 4 or 5 nights out of 7 that the father has the child.
OP posts:
whatisthisinhere · 28/10/2021 01:02

So for just a few months of the child's life he has done roughly 50% of childcare. Wow

Original poster
pumkinbump · 28/10/2021 01:03

@whatisthisinhere

Oh, I have two sons in special school, one of them qualifies for a Motability car, I work sporadically, but mostly not at all, because I can not sleep due to both of my sons nt sleeping. During the days when they are in school, I sleep, try to catch up on housework, exercise (to take care of my mental and physical health) and make sure to cook all the food they eat based in their sensory food needs. My ex and his wife think they should have full use of the Motability car, and that if I worked properly, he wouldn't have to pay maintenance. And they never have children over night. He claims that I stop him from seeing his children, absolute bs - he just can not be bothered to stick to a routine, changes things at the last minute and wants to show up at my house as and when he pleases. He refuses to pay maintenance, says I have forced Collect and Pay via CMS, he did this himself by refusing to pay. He has now defaulted with that so is probably feeling very pleased with himself. His wife however, thinks he's amazing and I am an evil greedy cow. I'm just glad I got rid of him. I bet the "she" in your OP is glad too
This is the difference though, she only has the child 2 or 3 nights a week. She doesn't have him on weekends at all. There has been many times she's brought the child back to the father's house at 2 or 3 in the morning because she can't cope with him not going to sleep. Your situation sounds very different.
OP posts:
whatisthisinhere · 28/10/2021 01:07

It's on,y been 8 months that he been looking after their son a few nights of the week though. If he had been doing this for years then he wouldn't be able to work at all really would he?
I'd also wager that he is exaggerating the amount of nights he has him, otherwise he wouldn't be able to function at work.

Over the whole of the 8 months since they split up, how many nights has he taken care of the boy? Throughout the child's life, who has taken care of his needs?

MoveAhoy · 28/10/2021 01:14

Your facts sound like you are too blinkered by anger to see what's in front of you.

Fact 1. She chooses not to work.
Nice side step of she has spent the past 6 years taking care of what sounds like a severely disabled child and you've just swaned in to observe the first year the child isn't glued to her skirt or hitting her constantly whilst also not stating if dad had any idea how difficult life with his child had been up to that point. Sounds like he knew it was hard and he buried his head in work to make up for the effort he couldn't put in at home...

Fact 2. Dna tests:
Given there's no result, I believe we are free to assume the only fact here is the fact the test took place. And given the bile in your post I believe it is safe to assume you "or your friend" is dad.

Fact 3. Him. The Saint. Coughing up money on demand. Being taken for a mug. Except the only fact is he paid for his child/family to be looked after. Should he have made the mother of a disabled child pay rent just in case his infidelity doubts were true? What a charmer.

Fact 4. Him. The Saint. Parent of the year. I imagine your point is he has now taken on most of the care. Well something good will come out of this as the child gets to see more of its father! Mother's contribution can now be duly minimised except that's for the courts to decide so I'd advise both sides to lawyer up.

I don't think you are dealing with an adultering, jobless, irresponsible waste of space woman. I think you are dealing with a broken mother and you are trying to kick her whilst she is down.

If you are a new gf and this is the story he told you, run.
If you are mil, back off. He's a grown man.
help him find funds for a solicitor but expect to find surprises about what's actually happened along the way.

mmmmmgyrl · 28/10/2021 01:20

@whatisthisinhere

Oh, I have two sons in special school, one of them qualifies for a Motability car, I work sporadically, but mostly not at all, because I can not sleep due to both of my sons nt sleeping. During the days when they are in school, I sleep, try to catch up on housework, exercise (to take care of my mental and physical health) and make sure to cook all the food they eat based in their sensory food needs. My ex and his wife think they should have full use of the Motability car, and that if I worked properly, he wouldn't have to pay maintenance. And they never have children over night. He claims that I stop him from seeing his children, absolute bs - he just can not be bothered to stick to a routine, changes things at the last minute and wants to show up at my house as and when he pleases. He refuses to pay maintenance, says I have forced Collect and Pay via CMS, he did this himself by refusing to pay. He has now defaulted with that so is probably feeling very pleased with himself. His wife however, thinks he's amazing and I am an evil greedy cow. I'm just glad I got rid of him. I bet the "she" in your OP is glad too
After all these years of being the primary carer, I would also leave ex with DC most nights just to feel human again - and you know it won't last. These uninvolved dads, suddenly become "super dads" during the divorce and briefly after, before settling back to their own ways, usually after starting a new relationship but even before then. The ex-wife in this scenario should take advantage of all the time ex wants to spend with DC being super dad as it will taper off and she will be back taking care of a DC with complex needs on her own full time with little to no respite.
TooBigForMyBoots · 28/10/2021 01:31

This is less a case of Where does everyone stand? and more a case of What do you think of a man that says these things...?

Oh4Tunas · 28/10/2021 01:36

I have no idea what the law will say on the matter, but if it's true that he's now taking care of their son that much more than she is, and will continue to do the majority of the childcare, it does seem fair that he should be entitled to more than she is, such as the mobility vehicle. I'd be surprised if he gets to keep the house without paying her something for her share of it, though.

TooBigForMyBoots · 28/10/2021 01:43

@chocolatecerealcampingbrekkie

This would make an interesting plot for a novel.
It really wouldn't. It's the same story told by loads of hard done by men over generations.🙄
Maskless · 28/10/2021 01:55

This has new girlfriend written all over it.

Derbee · 28/10/2021 01:58

Well hopefully seeing as they’ve been married 7 years, and they’ve had a life where one works, and one is a SAHP, she’d be entitled to half the assets in a divorce. That’s how it should work

Bythemillpond · 28/10/2021 02:09

I don’t think it matters who did what, when or where.

If 2 people are married, have a child, then the starting point is 50/50.

It doesn’t matter if one person has had no job or slept around the courts aren’t interested.

You say the Dh now has his child for the majority of the time.

I am presuming he has given up his job otherwise how can he look after his child and go out to work at the same time. Or does he only do nights and not days.

Graphista · 28/10/2021 02:40

The finances are not decided based on who's "fault" the divorce was

I'm also thinking her side would sound very different

Guessing you ONLY have his side - are you the new girlfriend?

I'm asking for a friend.

That would be a yes then?

Sometimes it's a mother or a sister but mostly new girlfriend who has NO idea what's really gone on at all as they only have the word of ONE person

I've just presented the facts as they are. I could say a lot more.

No you've presented a clearly heavily biased account from one side

Have you seen or witnessed EVIDENCE that ISN'T just what he's told you?

I reckon he's at it how many nights too or else he'd be claiming (and be eligible for) the benefits relating to the child and be claiming maintenance from her or at least not paying any (not that many do anyway)

How long have you known him? Have you even met her? Have you met friends and family and heard their take on things? (Admittedly they're likely biased too but occasionally there'll be a sensible one who thinks critically)

@MoveAhoy post at 0114 is spot on!

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 28/10/2021 02:57

You’ve painted what appears to most people coming to this cold, as very biased, one-sided post.

You’re not ‘presenting facts’, you’re skewing us in favour of one side over the other. You may not have intended to - but that’s not for you to decide. It’s for us, the readers, to decide.

So, having felt manipulated into your view, most people are unsympathetic and unwilling to engage.

All he can do (all they both can do) is seek legal advice, and hopefully the outcome is in the best interests of the child.

Suzi888 · 28/10/2021 03:18

No one here will know. He will need to get legal advice.

BurnedToast · 28/10/2021 03:28

No one here can say. He needs a lawyer.

But, whatever role you have in this, I suggest you open your eyes.

Coyoacan · 28/10/2021 03:37

Who looks after the child while our hero is working fulltime and the evil mother is off galavanting with one of her many lovers?

Allmyarseandpeggymartin · 28/10/2021 03:38

Your perspective is very biased op - surely you can see that

They’ve been married a while - she’ll get half of the house - should start packing if I were you op. Don’t put your handbag down, you’re not stopping.

madisonbridges · 28/10/2021 03:49

I don't know why you're wondering if she'll claim half the house because she definitely will.

Why people are bring horrible to the op because the wife cheated. There are loads of threads where there is a claim that the husband has cheated or even that there is a feeling that he might have thought of cheating and most posters do a pile in on him. No one says, I wonder what the man's side would be. Why is it not the same if a woman cheats? MNers are so hypocritical.

The mobility car should go with the child so either it goes back and forth, which might be practical if there's a lot of equipment in it, or the one who has the child the most, ie the husband, should have it.

AMostExcellentStick · 28/10/2021 04:02

Yes, the starting point is 50:50, the house may have to be sold.

Regardless of whether she previously chose to work, the fact is she’s spent years as the primary carer to a severely disabled child and was not able to work. Because she was in this position, he was able to work full time and therefore paying for house and bills was his duty.

They need to worry less about who gets the house, the DLA and the car, and work out who will care for the child and when. If they both get good legal advice, the finances should be primarily arranged around supporting the child.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 28/10/2021 04:28

In all honesty, our opinion of where we stand on this is irrelevant - the man in this scenario needs good legal advice, it's the only option at this stage.

If he has more than 50% of the care of their son, then it's unlikely he would have to may any maintenance to the ex, but I don't know about the house - it would probably have to be sold, or she'd need to be paid half of its market value today (not exactly today, but now, not when it was bought) to buy her out.

His financial contributions vs her non-contributions make no odds - he's earning money to support his family, and this isn't an uncommon scenario, after all (although less common these days).

Send him to see a solicitor, soon.