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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Where does everyone stand?

432 replies

pumkinbump · 27/10/2021 23:48

Posting here for traffic.

Married 7 years.

1 child age 6yrs.

Her - forever unemployed by choice. Cheated throughout marriage. DNA test needed on baby as didn't know who the father was. Left 8 months ago with be with someone else which was likely going on before the split. On benefits. Child is autistic so gets a mobility car which she has.

Him - full time worker. Paid for deposit on house. Paid every bill and mortgage payment for the duration of the relationship. Has their son 4/5 nights out of 7 as she doesn't want to. Pays her £100 a month despite this, plus extra for shoes, clothes etc.

He is terrified that she's going to claim half of the house in divorce.

Does anyone have any advice where he would stand on this?

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
honkytonkheroe · 28/10/2021 07:36

The starting point is 50/50 split. It’s unlikely to change much from that to be honest but it is anyone’s guess on the day if it went to court. Ignore the infidelity as it’s a red herring. Basically she looked after the child and he worked. If he was on his own he would have presumably had to pay some child care. It would take quite a lot to move from a 50/50 split. It depends how much the deposit was as to whether that has an impact.

londonrach · 28/10/2021 07:37

Get legal advice.

However house be 50:50 usually as you married and partnership one working one looking after child. Affairs don't count. Get legal advice

FatCatThinCat · 28/10/2021 07:41

Who does the school run if dad is working fulltime? Bet mum does. But he wants to take the mobility car off her? And the house? What a charmer.

HestersSamplerofCarrots · 28/10/2021 07:56

What she claims isn’t necessarily the same as what is classed as a marital asset, or what could be agreed through mediation or awarded by a judge.

Artie30 · 28/10/2021 07:56

I have no advice but whoever you are sounds really judgmental of the mother. I have an autistic son, I do not get a mobility - most parents of autistic children do not! I do not work because it's really hard to find work around children with sen!

itsgettingwierd · 28/10/2021 07:59

What needs to be presented is facts.

As well as financial settlement they need to get a child arrangement order sorted. This can be applied for from each parent about how much they wish to care for child. Usually it's 50/50.

If it's currently 70:30 he can ask for that to be formalised and the financial settlement re childcare will come from that.

Unfortunately what someone has done with regards aduktary etc doesn't count in a settlement.

PegasusReturns · 28/10/2021 08:02

I think you’ve posted about this before? You’re the girlfriend no?

2 things:

• starting point on divorce is 50/50 split the ex will almost certainly get at least half of the house

• be aware of a man who bitches about his “awful” ex wife. It’s a huge red flag to be so disrespectful of the mother of your child.

lynntheyresexpeople · 28/10/2021 08:10

You are the new girlfriend though aren't you??

Oftenithinkaboutit · 28/10/2021 08:12

I would so love to hear the other side

laurenGame · 28/10/2021 08:13

Are you a gf of this man?

Oftenithinkaboutit · 28/10/2021 08:13

* I'm asking for a friend*

Grin
Dontgetyerknicksinatwist · 28/10/2021 08:17

My mil did this to fil. He worked hard working long hours supporting the family for years. She worked a few hours here and there helping out at a school.. She then had an affair with a family friend and gets half the house. I’ve never thought it was fair. Fil was totally broken after the affair. Mil then pays for her and her new partner to go on loads of holidays and cruises over the years paid for using the money she got from the house. Her new partner had hardly any money due to poor business decisions he went bankrupt.

DaisyNGO · 28/10/2021 08:24

@arethereanyleftatall

Well, you've presented it from his side. What will her side be when she talks to her solicitor? Sounds like until the split, and from birth, she was a full time carer to their child with autism?
No She doesn't have the child the majority of the time, it says that clearly

OP I think the time will be a big factor
Hope you friend is okay

HosannainExcelSheets · 28/10/2021 08:26

Hmmm... Sounds like he is quite correct and that the family home will be split to give the child a new home with both parents going forward.

It does not matter at all who paid for what during the marriage. But if he really is doing more than half the care for a disabled child then he can get the child benefit and DLA paid to him. He needs to do that via DWP. But, that will then be counted bas his income and he may have to pay some back to his ex anyway.

Cuck00soup · 28/10/2021 08:31

@Maskless

This has new girlfriend written all over it.
Well quite. I doubt the “Dad that pays for everything” is providing 24/7 care for a child with complex needs.
Boood · 28/10/2021 08:31

Don’t know, but all my experience of family law in England suggests that the person who wants to behave badly, get more than their fair share and put the other person through hell will get away with it, and the person who tries to do the decent thing will be fucked. Every time, regardless of sex.

ExConstance · 28/10/2021 08:34

If the house is in joint names and not held in specific shares then yes, she will get 50%. If it is in his name might be more arguable but probably 50%. This is what being married is about. Presumably she hasn't had a complete character change since the marriage so he must have known what he would be getting in to.

Roselilly36 · 28/10/2021 08:35

Not something I would want to get involved in tbh, you have presented this situ as you see it, or what you have been led to believe OP. Unless you lived in the home how would you know the truth? I can only assume you are involved with the father/husband. Otherwise, why would you take such an interest. The marital home is an asset owned by them jointly, they will have to agree the split in the financial arrangements. If I was you I would keep out of it.

BillMasen · 28/10/2021 08:36

This thread would be very very different if the sexes were reversed. Women posting rarely get the whole “it’s only your view”, “it’s biased” and “I’m sure there’s another side”. They get supported.

For specific advice, yes he’s likely to lose half his assets. Sorry. However if he has the majority care he should ensure he gets the benefits, and that she pays (take her to the cms if necessary). Non resident parents should always pay. That’s what a woman would be told

TractorAndHeadphones · 28/10/2021 08:39

Hahahah if this was a woman talking about her DH there’s be lots of advice on their rights how to get the house etc. No ‘there are several sides to every story’

But since it’s the other way around.. nah we just can’t believe that a man could be screwed over by a fannylodger.

RedHelenB · 28/10/2021 08:40

Yes he'll be lucky to get 50% of assets if she's seen as the main carer.

Oftenithinkaboutit · 28/10/2021 08:40

Is it really so surprising that a female dominated website is sceptical re a man’s version of events, given SO many of us have been in a situation of a relationship breaking down and very much being the more financially vulnerable party in the equation?

Oftenithinkaboutit · 28/10/2021 08:41

The law is utterly unconcerned about affairs etc.

CallMeNutribullet · 28/10/2021 08:41

Someone's shitty behaviour during a marriage doesn't exclude them from a share of the marital assets, Male or female.
No idea why you'd think it would

PegasusReturns · 28/10/2021 08:41

This thread would be very very different if the sexes were reversed. Women posting rarely get the whole “it’s only your view”, “it’s biased” and “I’m sure there’s another side”. They get supported

Because the personal and professional experience of thousands of women tell us that in the vast majority of cases women do the lions share of the work, sacrificing earning opportunities and end up shafted by men.

If you can’t see that this is largely a sex based issue then you’re either wilfully blind or a misogynist.