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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Where does everyone stand?

432 replies

pumkinbump · 27/10/2021 23:48

Posting here for traffic.

Married 7 years.

1 child age 6yrs.

Her - forever unemployed by choice. Cheated throughout marriage. DNA test needed on baby as didn't know who the father was. Left 8 months ago with be with someone else which was likely going on before the split. On benefits. Child is autistic so gets a mobility car which she has.

Him - full time worker. Paid for deposit on house. Paid every bill and mortgage payment for the duration of the relationship. Has their son 4/5 nights out of 7 as she doesn't want to. Pays her £100 a month despite this, plus extra for shoes, clothes etc.

He is terrified that she's going to claim half of the house in divorce.

Does anyone have any advice where he would stand on this?

Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
DandyHighwayWoman · 28/10/2021 04:31

@Allmyarseandpeggymartin

Your perspective is very biased op - surely you can see that

They’ve been married a while - she’ll get half of the house - should start packing if I were you op. Don’t put your handbag down, you’re not stopping.

This Grin
SpidersAreShitheads · 28/10/2021 04:53

The welfare of the child should be paramount in all negotiations, if your "friend" was truly a decent dad.

According to you the STBEX doesn't work, but you seem to think the dad should have a share of the DLA and maybe the mobility car. How does this leave the quality of life for the child when he's with his mum, even if it is only 2-3 nights per week??

She may have chosen not to work before, but having an autistic child who is classed as having high care needs (hence qualifying for the care) it would be nigh on impossible for her to work productively after he was born. By your own admission, the child doesn't sleep. Have you actually got any idea AT ALL what it's like to parent an autistic child? One with sleep problems? I know because have two. Hence why I'm awake and posting on forums at 4am. It's exhausting and never-ending - and an extremely high proportion of relationships where there is an SEN child don't last, because it's so bloody hard.

You are clearly cheerleading for your friend which is understandable - but take a step back and ask yourself if he's really doing everything he can in the interests of his child, or if he's more interested in point scoring after the breakdown of what was a very acrimonious relationship.

PrincessNutella · 28/10/2021 06:12

Of course she should get half of the house.

MahMahMahMahCorona · 28/10/2021 06:20

Look up compassion fatigue. It's what can happen to those (many of them mothers) of us who have babies with very high additional needs / disabilities / disorders from birth, and who do all of the grunt work, alone, for years, whilst their darling husbands work all hours, giving mum absolutely no reprieve, no overnight support, no support at hospital clinics or admissions, nothing; and who then when the marriage breaks down complain that we've been lazy, useless SAHMs who didn't pay any bills because although we are bright intelligent human beings, we "chose not to work". ODFODATFOSM.

NadiaVulvokov · 28/10/2021 06:20

Tell me you’re the OW without telling me you’re the OW.

Anyway, if they’re in Scotland it’s 50/50 split marital assets. It can be varied a little according to circumstances but only very rarely will that go further than 60/40.

ejhhhhh · 28/10/2021 06:23

If your primarily asking about the house, and they're married, pretty much all the other information doesn't matter. They jointly own an asset (doesn't matter who's name it's in or who gas paid what for it), so if they both have good lawyers it will be split 50/50.

Simonjt · 28/10/2021 06:24

No idea about the situation, but the mobility car is for the child, so when a parent has the child they should also have the mobility car, it doesn’t belong to either of the parents in the normal sense that a car would.

It can be used without the child, but only when the trip will specifically benefit the child.

Whereismumhiding3 · 28/10/2021 06:25

He can apply for residency. He already has majority of childcare/ child nights. She is NRP so he can claim child benefit and DLA for child- benefits fit children go with who claims CB although if he earns too much may want to leave things as they are.

I wouldn't make life difficult fit the mum if I were him. But if he genuinely dies most of childcare and is the resident parent the house will go mostly to him, as whilst it is a shared marital asset, if he has care of child then judges favour that & she may get a small %

Whereismumhiding3 · 28/10/2021 06:26

*Does not 'dies' Hmm and 'for' not 'fit'

onelittlefrog · 28/10/2021 06:29

It will most likely be split 50/50. Adultery doesn't normally affect anything, particularly if it's been more than 6 months. And obviously her contribution to the household will be considered - childcare and housekeeping. She's not really "unemployed" if she is looking after a disabled child.

The only thing that could potentially affect it is the domestic violence you mentioned. However, there would have to be proof that it happened, and usually only if it is serious trauma.

He needs to talk to a lawyer, basically. But the court will likely come down 50/50, particularly as there is a disabled child involved that needs providing for.

MsTSwift · 28/10/2021 06:33

I used to do some divorce work years ago and would feel all sorry and aggrieved for my client then the particulars from the other side would arrive…

Frankii · 28/10/2021 06:34

"The facts:

Her: a fucking evil witch. Oh the stories I could tell!

Him: a hero, an innocent poet, a knight in shining armour, a veritable Adonis of our time.

The question: how can said hero fuck her over as much as possible?"

HeartsAndClubs · 28/10/2021 06:37

OP you should have reversed the roles in this scenario. Realistically you’re never going to get a genuine response when the man is the one who has been wronged, because according to MN women are always in the right, even if they shirk responsibility for their children the man is usually to blame.

Realistically the house may be split 50/50 but he would be better off applying for full residency on the basis the child spends most nights with him. He would likely still have to buy her out, but what you need to look at there is the equity not the full mortgage value. Assuming he’s the one who pays the mortgage anyway, if he can aford to pay her half of the equity he will be able to remain in the family home. Even more so if it is proven that the child spends the majority of time with him anyway.

The rights and wrongs of how the marriage ended and who did what and paid for what will not be taken into account here.

Divorce is essentially the ending of a financial contract in the same way that marriage is a financial contract. The emotional bit isn’t something the courts are interested in, and neither should they be, as everyone is going to have their own version of events and if the emotional side were taken into account nobody would ever agree and the process would take significantly longer while they played a game of “he said/she said.”

lljkk · 28/10/2021 06:38

If the sexes were reverse then MNers would be exasperating lots about cock-lodgers.

Terfydactyl · 28/10/2021 06:45

@lljkk

If the sexes were reverse then MNers would be exasperating lots about cock-lodgers.
Do cock lodgers mostly look after a disabled child? Not the ones I've heard about.
MoveAhoy · 28/10/2021 06:46

@lljkk and @HeartsAndClubs

If you would have seen this post as anything but a one sided story based on anger because of the assumed sexes of the proponents then that's your bias to deal with.

Don't tar all of MN with your own insecurities.

NeverDropYourMoonCup · 28/10/2021 06:57

@Coyoacan

Who looks after the child while our hero is working fulltime and the evil mother is off galavanting with one of her many lovers?
Presumably the woman with the baby due soon? The pumpkinbump OP. Who sounds like she's living in the house the wicked mother owns half of.

He will do the same to you.

Fetarabbit · 28/10/2021 07:04

OP you should have reversed the roles in this scenario. Realistically you’re never going to get a genuine response when the man is the one who has been wronged, because according to MN women are always in the right, even if they shirk responsibility for their children the man is usually to blame.

A tale as old as time.

Of course this is only one, biased side of the story, but assuming what has been posted is the truth, she's the one that left for another man and only has the child a few nights a week, if that was a man of course people would be scathing. Especially if she worked and he didn't.

Morph2lcfc · 28/10/2021 07:16

if hes working full time who is looking after child before and after school hours? I know from experience it’s pretty much impossible to work full time and care for an Sen child as there just aren’t the same options with childminders/ after school clubs you get with an nt child. The post is making out dad has child all the time but how is this even possible if he works full time

fourminutestosavetheworld · 28/10/2021 07:17

OP, the fact that she cheated during the marriage, needed a DNA test to confirm paternity of her child and ultimately left for another man will have no bearing whatsoever on how the finances are legally divided.

They were married and had a child so the starting point is 50/50 on everything.

The courts will not see her as unemployed but as a SAHM for their child. Her contribution to the marriage will be seen as equal to that of her husband who provided financially.

50/50 is the starting point but the priority will be to ensure that the child's needs are met. Often the main carer is able to remain in the house for an agreed amount of time for this reason, and the split slides 60/40 or 70/30 in favour of the main carer. But will he really be the main carer, permanently, if he works ft and mum doesn't work at all?

Pandaly · 28/10/2021 07:23

Thing is presumably he was happy to be the main earner for that long and pay the bills and stuff while she didn't work and looked after their child. So I'm not sure how the court will look at it now he's decided he wasn't happy. I think your view is very biased towards him.

Pandaly · 28/10/2021 07:23

I'd get the maintenance and contact pattern formalised

3peassuit · 28/10/2021 07:26

It doesn’t matter where Mumsnet stands, your friend should see a solicitor.

RudestLittleMadam · 28/10/2021 07:30

Ignoring most of it, the DLA is for the child, not their parents, as is the car. Therefore whoever has the child most should be claiming the DLA. As far as I know, you can’t split it.

I’m interested that the father is a friend of yours Hmm but you don’t know who did the lion’s share of caring for a child with presumably complex needs and quite severe autism. I’m assuming severe autism because they have a mobility car. They don’t just give those out, you have to be in receipt of higher rate mobility element of DLA. If mum was at home she wasn’t “refusing to work” she presumably claimed carers allowance, for good reason.

RudestLittleMadam · 28/10/2021 07:34

@Morph2lcfc

if hes working full time who is looking after child before and after school hours? I know from experience it’s pretty much impossible to work full time and care for an Sen child as there just aren’t the same options with childminders/ after school clubs you get with an nt child. The post is making out dad has child all the time but how is this even possible if he works full time
I wondered that. But then the OP doesn’t seem to know who did the majority of care while the parents were still together when it was most likely the mum by default because the dad was at work. Unless they were lucky enough to have found suitable childcare.