Where does everyone stand?

[pumkinbump]

Posting here for traffic.

Married 7 years.

1 child age 6yrs.

Her - forever unemployed by choice. Cheated throughout marriage. DNA test needed on baby as didn't know who the father was. Left 8 months ago with be with someone else which was likely going on before the split. On benefits. Child is autistic so gets a mobility car which she has.

Him - full time worker. Paid for deposit on house. Paid every bill and mortgage payment for the duration of the relationship. Has their son 4/5 nights out of 7 as she doesn't want to. Pays her £100 a month despite this, plus extra for shoes, clothes etc.

He is terrified that she's going to claim half of the house in divorce.

Does anyone have any advice where he would stand on this?

Thanks in advance.

@CallMeNutribullet

Someone's shitty behaviour during a marriage doesn't exclude them from a share of the marital assets, Male or female. No idea why you'd think it would

100% this.

fannylodger

That’s your take on a woman that spent 6 years caring for her high needs child?

Or do you imagine that in addition to earning the money to “pay for everything” the husband also undertook all of the care whilst mum just shagged around?! Don’t be absurd

I think you might be being a bit naive about how easy it is to get a job when you are caring for a child with significant additional needs. The care hours you describe do not facilitate FT working. You are hoping she can get a job in term time only and during school hours - do you think there are lots of those around? Or perhaps you are thinking that it will be easy to arranging holiday time cover? I don't think that's the case.

Who looks after the child on the dad's days whilst the dad is at work? Can I check that the mum doesn't actually do the after school care until the dad gets back from work?

The dad did not pay all the bills whilst his wife was looking after their child. The money was as much hers as his.

If dad pays ex extra for clothes and shoes, does that mean she is the one actually buying these things?

When was the house bought? If it was during their 7 years together, he should not be terrified that she will claim half. He should be ashamed of thinking that she is not entitled to half.

Cheated through marriage is not nice. Irrelevant to this situation though.

IME you start at 50/50 split and work it out from there. Unless he can afford to buy her out, he will lose it.

I suspect the care of the child will be key. If he's having the child most of the time then that may affect the split. But being a crap wife doesn't impact asset sharing.

@PegasusReturns

This thread would be very very different if the sexes were reversed. Women posting rarely get the whole “it’s only your view”, “it’s biased” and “I’m sure there’s another side”. They get supported

Because the personal and professional experience of thousands of women tell us that in the vast majority of cases women do the lions share of the work, sacrificing earning opportunities and end up shafted by men.

If you can’t see that this is largely a sex based issue then you’re either wilfully blind or a misogynist.

Neither. I see lots of posts where the “facts” are accepted and advised upon, and in this case they are not being. To do as you suggest is to project your experience and base advice on that, not what’s being said.

I see a correlation between that non-acceptance, and the sex of the person “in the wrong” in the OP

@Oftenithinkaboutit

Is it really so surprising that a female dominated website is sceptical re a man’s version of events, given SO many of us have been in a situation of a relationship breaking down and very much being the more financially vulnerable party in the equation?

Not surprising no, but I’d like to think people would be capable of dealing with each post on its own merits and not assuming/disbelieving based on what happened to them

Good luck having a baby with this prince, OP. Great decision there.

Of course division of assets will start at 50:50. She will certainly have a claim on the house, whether it’s exactly half will depend on the settlement.

A friend of mine is getting divorced and has to split the house that she paid for entirely. That’s how it works.

What is happening to this child before and after school on 4 or 5 days dad has them and is working? Who has him in the school holidays?
50/50 is a fair starting point.
Are the assets enough for both to buy another property of they are divided 50/50?
It's irrelevant who has done what now tbh and all about what is in the best interests of the child.

It is incredibly difficult to work when your have a child with special needs, unless you are in a job that pays enough for you to be able to afford a highly experienced special needs nanny. Very few jobs offer school hours term time only and even then you would have to factor in all of the appointments the child needs to attend.
He did not pay the bills and mortgage, they both did out of joint family money. You are clearly very biased in your writing.
If she was the full time parent and if she continues to be then she will likely get more than 50%.

Why do you care what people think? The division of the marital assets is not going to be put to the public vote. It will either be agreed by the parties or decided by a judge if they can't agree, based on law, not your view of the morality.

The fact that he paid the mortgage and bill on the house whilst married doesnt matter (otherwise can you imagine what would happen). The deposit could if he had ringfenced it at the time but I suspect he did not.

But it is a marital asset

Take away all the moral indignation and irrelevant detail. So what if she's on benefits and has the mobility car. So what if he pays her money (ever heard of child maintenance). I could go on and on about how much of your post was pointless stuff that makes her look bad and him a saint.

The facts are that they are married and she will receive child maintenance and will get at least 50% of the equity in the house. Presumed faults by the wife will not change anything, thank god.

There is so much more I could say about your op, but it's not worth the energy required.

@BillMasen

Not surprising no, but I’d like to think people would be capable of dealing with each post on its own merits and not assuming/disbelieving based on what happened to them

The op has posted on AIBU

Of course people are going to bring their own experiences to the table. That is what drives their viewpoint.

Has she posted in the legal section - then a more objective response would be more reasonable to expect

OP you will never EVER get a fair and balanced view on this from the women of Mumsnet. All men are evil....you should know that!!

Delete the thread and reword it to change the roles (sexes) around and you might get somewhere xx

"The facts:

Her: a fucking evil witch. Oh the stories I could tell!

Him: a hero, an innocent poet, a knight in shining armour, a veritable Adonis of our time.

The question: how can said hero fuck her over as much as possible?"

When my parents split up, DF tried so hard to control that narrative. From his side of things you'd think he single-handedly raised us all those years while holding down a FT job. His account of DM was that she was off having numerous affairs, she was abusive to him, she was keeping dark secrets from us all, she was sponging off him and refused to get a proper job, and so on. The reality of it was that he was the one having affairs, between raising four DC including one with additional needs and working two PT jobs (not considered "proper" jobs, of course) as well as running the house DM didn't have the time or energy for an affair. He was the one who was abusive. He was the one keeping secrets.

He was also under the impression that the sadder the tale he could spin for the judge, the bigger the share of the house and assets he would get. The judge very quickly disabused him of that idea and refused to read his laminated file of alleged transgressions by DM.

OP,

You're doing this family no favours by weighing in with your judgment.

She's clearly been a career of a disabled child. That is a significant contribution, and you'll help everyone in this family if you can bring yourself to see it in this light.

The best outcome for the child is for all the adults in his life to show each other kindness and respect.

Also her sexual history, particularly that little nugget you put in about the child having a DNA test isn't relevant. If your 'friend' raised that in court he would be identifying himself as a dickhead and doing his ex a great service in terms of the outcome.

Judges hate that shit.

What a disrespectful way to describe the child's mother.

@TractorAndHeadphones

Hahahah if this was a woman talking about her DH there’s be lots of advice on their rights how to get the house etc. No ‘there are several sides to every story’

But since it’s the other way around.. nah we just can’t believe that a man could be screwed over by a fannylodger.

It's not about anyone screwing anyone over. It's simple facts. Child maintenance doesn't care one iota about who slept with who or who did or didn't do the washing up. Same for financial settlements on divorce. They don't make moral judgments.

The op can put as much biased (and it is obviously biased) stuff in her op as she likes, but facts are facts.

@knittingaddict

Take away all the moral indignation and irrelevant detail. So what if she's on benefits and has the mobility car. So what if he pays her money (ever heard of child maintenance). I could go on and on about how much of your post was pointless stuff that makes her look bad and him a saint.

The facts are that they are married and she will receive child maintenance and will get at least 50% of the equity in the house. Presumed faults by the wife will not change anything, thank god.

There is so much more I could say about your op, but it's not worth the energy required.

The facts are that the resident parent is likely to get more than 50% and cms. We don’t know who will be the resident parent, it could be the father based on the op

And if he’s got the kids more, then of course it matters if he’s also paying and she’s also claiming benefits and keeping the car. A man doing that while having the kids less wouldn’t be defended.

@Bythemillpond

I don’t think it matters who did what, when or where.

If 2 people are married, have a child, then the starting point is 50/50.

It doesn’t matter if one person has had no job or slept around the courts aren’t interested.

You say the Dh now has his child for the majority of the time.

I am presuming he has given up his job otherwise how can he look after his child and go out to work at the same time. Or does he only do nights and not days.

Would you say a mother with a job can't look after her child? School/child care, lots of us manage or have managed to work fulltime and be the primary care giver.

I think there is bias against men here. But the issue is that, when men are the SAHP or main carer, their contribution is dismissed. So the response the man in this situation is the response the woman should get if the roles were reversed. The inequity does not mean that the way the man is being talked about here is wrong.

@justustwoandmoo

OP you will never EVER get a fair and balanced view on this from the women of Mumsnet. All men are evil....you should know that!!

Delete the thread and reword it to change the roles (sexes) around and you might get somewhere xx

Because that will totally change the financial settlement going forward.

@justustwoandmoo

OP you will never EVER get a fair and balanced view on this from the women of Mumsnet. All men are evil....you should know that!!

Delete the thread and reword it to change the roles (sexes) around and you might get somewhere xx

Very true, no one would say a woman can't be the carer for her child and have a job, no one would say the father should have the mobility car if he only has the child two nights a week and school nights at that.