Where does everyone stand?

[pumkinbump]

Posting here for traffic.

Married 7 years.

1 child age 6yrs.

Her - forever unemployed by choice. Cheated throughout marriage. DNA test needed on baby as didn't know who the father was. Left 8 months ago with be with someone else which was likely going on before the split. On benefits. Child is autistic so gets a mobility car which she has.

Him - full time worker. Paid for deposit on house. Paid every bill and mortgage payment for the duration of the relationship. Has their son 4/5 nights out of 7 as she doesn't want to. Pays her £100 a month despite this, plus extra for shoes, clothes etc.

He is terrified that she's going to claim half of the house in divorce.

Does anyone have any advice where he would stand on this?

Thanks in advance.

@Whatiswrongwithmyknee

I think there is bias against men here. But the issue is that, when men are the SAHP or main carer, their contribution is dismissed. So the response the man in this situation is the response the woman should get if the roles were reversed. The inequity does not mean that the way the man is being talked about here is wrong.

But if the man walked out and went to live with another woman and left the mother to cope alone and he kept the disability car no one would say he deserved 50% and round of applause.

Sadly bad behaviour does not count towards what is legal when it comes to divorces . Start the process.

@knittingaddict it would change the advice on benefits, cars, cms, potential split of house.

You are ignoring the op stating the man has more care. Surely who has the more care impacts things?

Would you say a mother with a job can't look after her child? School/child care, lots of us manage or have managed to work fulltime and be the primary care giver

The child in question has disabilities and has had a carer (his mother) rather than going to childcare. There is a severe lack of childcare for children with additional needs, especially wrap-around and school holiday care, so how is the father here continuing to work FT while also caring for a child with complex needs? Is the mother providing the wrap-around care?

I see lots of posts where the “facts” are accepted and advised upon, and in this case they are not being

This OP has posted repeatedly on this matter. She’s the girlfriend and the “facts” are that she’s being misled appallingly by the father in this situation.

Anyone who claims to pay for everything (presumably by way of a job) and also do all the childcare is going to be challenged especially when that child has significant additional needs. Because it cannot be true.

But if the man walked out and went to live with another woman and left the mother to cope alone and he kept the disability car no one would say he deserved 50% and round of applause.

There is plenty of defending of men on MN too even if it is over-shadowed by those who feel a woman is always in the right. People do make assumptions in these situations - based perhaps on their experiences which are of women doing 90+% of the childcare and home management etc. Some people find it harder to consider whether that is always the case and to accept that some men are doing what women have traditionally done. But it's not right to say "no-one" would. I have defended men who have been primary carers and who are still expected to contribute financially or be happy with any tiny amounts of money they are allowed access to. There is bias against men but that does not make the man in this situation right.

@BillMasen it's hard to say whether the man does more care without more detail. Yes he has the child for most nights, but we don't know who looks after the child after school. The man works FT, after school care until about 4:30 happens 2 days a week. So who does the rest of the care? It is possible that the man has adapted hours of work and really does do the full care on the nights he has the child though that still leaves the question of who is looking after the child on the 5 days on which the child sleeps at dad's in the holidays. It's very possible that the mother is actually still doing a lot albeit not at night. You may be right but we need more of those facts before we can judge.

What happened during the relationship (unemployed, cheating, DNA test, affair) has no bearing on the legalities of the divorce. He needs professional legal advice and maintenance/custody balance needs addressing.

I don't think we have enough info in this thread about the child to know if they are "incredibly demanding." Or did I misinterpret the memo about "Every child with SN is unique." ? This specific child may not have incredibly demanding day to day (constant) needs.

Stop Projecting.

@arethereanyleftatall

Well, you've presented it from his side. What will her side be when she talks to her solicitor? Sounds like until the split, and from birth, she was a full time carer to their child with autism?

Just as we usually only get 'her' side on MN and no-one ever questions that! She's certainly a full-time cheat and skiver.

Well, the fact she'd never worked anyway and they had a child together....I'd be wondering why he married and settled down with her anyway? That's not normal for an adult to never have had a job..unless she was like 16/18 when she had their child - but that's beside the point.

Even if they end up 50/50, she will have to pay the remaining mortgage and bills surely. This man sounds like a mug...why is he paying her shoes clothes etc?
Different if the child is a toddler and needing daytime care, but sounds like they are old enough to be in school - so like you say, no excuse really not to be earning some money herself.

Get legal advice. Protect yourself and fight for custody for the child, because the mother doesn't sound interested.

Is the house in joint names? If so, the starting point is a 50/50 split.

He is terrified that she's going to claim half of the house in divorce.

Would that be so awful? The reality is that she would be claiming half the equity, so it depends how much that is. If he's paying out £5,200 a year for, essentially, no valid reason, maybe he's better off with full time care and a claim against her for maintenance.

Yes. I have a friend who went through family court years ago. She was in exactly the same position as the wife in your OP.

When the husband said in court that he was the one who'd paid for everything, The judge made the point of saying that his wife was caring for the disabled child and the assets go to house the child. In the judges eyes the child was paramount and the wife was the carer so had contributed equally.

In your case getting the courts to agree 50/50 shared care may result in a 50/50 split of assets, but only if there is enough equity to provide for two houses.

If there is not and the wife is documented as main carer then he can expect the house to be sold to provide security for the child by giving the mother what she needs to do this.

There may be an element of her borrowing his portion of the equity in the house that is paid back once the house is sold when the child become an adult. As a disabled child becoming an adult I'm not sure of exactly how this works.

In the situation I referred to initially there was encouraging equity to buy two houses so this was action required by the judge.

It's not a case that the more financially secure parent gets to keep everything. It's also not based on how the split happened. It is based in the needs of the children.

@Whatiswrongwithmyknee

“ You may be right but we need more of those facts before we can judge.”

If only more posters on here said that! Advising based on facts, and holding off where they are not available is a rarity 😀

@2Two

Is the house in joint names? If so, the starting point is a 50/50 split.

Doesn't matter if it is joint names or not. If you are married you can protect your home rights with the land registry to stop it being sold or otherwise disposed of. The courts will then decide who gets what in a financial settlement and individual circumstances will be taken into account.

@Bythemillpond

I don’t think it matters who did what, when or where.

If 2 people are married, have a child, then the starting point is 50/50.

It doesn’t matter if one person has had no job or slept around the courts aren’t interested.

You say the Dh now has his child for the majority of the time.

I am presuming he has given up his job otherwise how can he look after his child and go out to work at the same time. Or does he only do nights and not days.

The child is in school during the day. The father has the child every night apart from a Monday, Tuesday and Thursday night and also works full time.

For a PP to call him an uninvolved day is rude. Even when she was still in the home she would wait for him to come home from work then go out until 12/1 every night saying she was going here and there, when in reality she was going to the man's house she was cheating with. So the uninvolved dad then sorted then sorted their child out with tea, bath and the bedtime routine every night.

@Allmyarseandpeggymartin

Your perspective is very biased op - surely you can see that

They’ve been married a while - she’ll get half of the house - should start packing if I were you op. Don’t put your handbag down, you’re not stopping.

How rude! As I've said many times, I am not the new girlfriend. I'm not trying to weasel my way in to someone else home I own my own home, and I'm a happily single parent to my daughter.

So if he is collecting or paying for childcare after school on his days, for 4 out of 7 nights a week, he is the main resident parent. A 57:43 split.

DWP would count him as resident parent unless he's chosen to let DCs mum collect CB for some financial reason as he has majority care of child . I doubt mum is going out until 12-1am presently when she has DCs on her own nights, so what she did in the past is irrelevant- snd if she's doing that now he can ask for different child contact arrangements for Child courts to look st best interests of the DCs.

The child is in school during the day. The father has the child every night apart from a Monday, Tuesday and Thursday night and also works full time.

OP that's not all the info we need. Who takes care of the child after school? Does the dad arrange working hours so it's him collecting the child after school or after school club? What hours does the dad actually do? Who looks after the child during the school holidays? Who looks after the child if he is sick?

But of course it light nor be a 53:47 split if mum has DCs for more of the school holidays whilst he is working FT.
So consider what the actual split is

PPs are right in that division of assets from marital property on divorce starts as a 50:50 and starts moving one way depending on who has majority care of DCs and what that split of child's needs entails

@Simonjt

No idea about the situation, but the mobility car is for the child, so when a parent has the child they should also have the mobility car, it doesn’t belong to either of the parents in the normal sense that a car would.

It can be used without the child, but only when the trip will specifically benefit the child.

The mobility car stays with the mother at all times. The dad doesn't have a car, but is able to use his works van yo take the child to school and on day trips on weekends.

@lljkk

I don't think we have enough info in this thread about the child to know if they are "incredibly demanding." Or did I misinterpret the memo about "Every child with SN is unique." ? This specific child may not have incredibly demanding day to day (constant) needs.

Stop Projecting.

The child is in receipt of higher rate DLA. That’s literally judged on how demanding the day to day care needs of the child are.

@Clocktopus

Would you say a mother with a job can't look after her child? School/child care, lots of us manage or have managed to work fulltime and be the primary care giver

The child in question has disabilities and has had a carer (his mother) rather than going to childcare. There is a severe lack of childcare for children with additional needs, especially wrap-around and school holiday care, so how is the father here continuing to work FT while also caring for a child with complex needs? Is the mother providing the wrap-around care?

Well the child is 6 so is presumably in school and has afterschool care a couple of times a week so presumably the father is managing as the mother has the child two days a week but won't do weekends and two of the other days there is after school care so dad must have to finish early once a week. Sounds doable to me.

@Whereismumhiding3

He can apply for residency. He already has majority of childcare/ child nights. She is NRP so he can claim child benefit and DLA for child- benefits fit children go with who claims CB although if he earns too much may want to leave things as they are.

I wouldn't make life difficult fit the mum if I were him. But if he genuinely dies most of childcare and is the resident parent the house will go mostly to him, as whilst it is a shared marital asset, if he has care of child then judges favour that & she may get a small %

Thank you. One of the most sensible post's I've read.

He doesn't want the disability or the car. More than happy for her to keep it. He's also more than happy to pay her 100 a month maintenance even though he does the lion share of the care. If he drops shopping to them because she's asked him to do it, he won't take the money for it. He's not an arsehole like many are painting him.

OP can you tell us who looks after the child during the day when he's not in school?