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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner won't come to funeral with me

200 replies

livinginmycomfys · 25/10/2021 09:52

My Nan died recently and her funeral is this week. I was close to my Nan. I initially didn't ask my partner of 4 years to come with me but as the date approaches I feel like I could do with his support.

Partner has this week off anyway and no plans on the day of the funeral.

I asked him last night if he would be willing to come with me for support and he said no. I appreciate he only met my Nan on a handful of occasions but there are other peoples partners going who also didn't know my Nan that well.

Was I being unreasonable in asking him to come with me? It didn't occur to me that he may say no.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 25/10/2021 09:54

Why did he say no? It’s not unreasonable at all to expect he would go with you

AnyFucker · 25/10/2021 09:54

Yanbu

Your partner is a dick

MatildaTheCat · 25/10/2021 09:55

YANBU and that’s quite the red flag that he’s unwilling to support you at such a hard time.

Funerals are for the living. Remind him of this.

TimeForTeaAndG · 25/10/2021 09:55

Is he generally unsupportive? Some people just don't attend funerals unless they knew the deceased well. But I'd still think after 4 years together he would show up for you. Do you live together, or would he be coming a distance from his place? What did he say when you asked?

MaskingForIt · 25/10/2021 09:56

YANBU. He’s not the caring sort. More interesting in playing on his phone than supporting you.

ExplodingCarrots · 25/10/2021 09:56

Yanbu . Has he said why ? Is it because he don't like funerals in general ? (I know nobody 'likes' them btw). I would expect a partner of 4 years to come and support you.

I had only been with my now DH for a year when my nan passed away in traumatic circumstances and he came with me and supported me all day. He had only met my nan once.

Piggy42 · 25/10/2021 09:56

Your partner sounds unfeeling. Actually how is he a “partner” if he’s refusing to support you when you need it. This says a lot about him.

Morgantowers · 25/10/2021 09:57

We’ll he’s not your partner is he? A partner is by definition someone who supports you.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 25/10/2021 09:58

Yanbu.
You asked for him to give you support when you really need it and he refused.

That tells you everything you need to know about who he is and what you can expect from him.

If he won't be there for you when you need him - he's not worth it.

IcedCoffeeAlways · 25/10/2021 09:58

@livinginmycomfys So sorry for your loss Flowers

To be honest, after 4 years I wouldn’t expect to have to ask my partner to come - I’d expect him just to be there. Especially with a family member he’d met.

Aprilx · 25/10/2021 09:59

If I were going to the funeral of say a colleague, I would not ask or expect my husband to come along. But I would take it as a given that my husband would attend a funeral of a close family relative with me. I wouldn’t even expect to ask and I have unfortunately had four such times since our marriage.

He is no partner to you, he is literally showing you this. It would be he no for me, not because of the event itself, but because of what it shows about his low level of support and commitment.

KatherineJaneway · 25/10/2021 09:59

What reason did he give for saying no?

Landlubber2019 · 25/10/2021 10:00

Oh dear, this a biggie imo.

I am sorry about your loss, can you ask a friend to go with you? You should then consider if this man is worth investing further in.

Merryoldgoat · 25/10/2021 10:00

That would be it for me. You go to funerals to support the people left behind. My DH came to a variety of funerals with me in our early relationship without question. He’d not even met some of the people.

LagunaBubbles · 25/10/2021 10:01

Of course he should come to support you.

iklboo · 25/10/2021 10:01

Bloody hell. DH came with me to my Uncle's funeral and he'd only met him twice!

Original poster
livinginmycomfys · 25/10/2021 10:02

Sorry - I should have put his reason for saying no. Basically it's that he didn't really know my Nan. He is quite socially awkward and doesn't ever really see my family even though we all live in the same town. Maybe a handful of times a year. I think this is probably the actual reason he has said no - so that he doesn't have to spend the day with a load of people he doesn't know.

OP posts:
Ughmaybenot · 25/10/2021 10:02

Wtf? What was his reasoning for saying no?! I can’t think of a single valid reason for not going in support of you.
I’m sorry for your loss 💐

notacooldad · 25/10/2021 10:03

Wow. OP that is bad.
Even if he had never met your nan I would expect him to be there for you.
After being your partner for 4 years I would take it as a given he would be going ( except for major reason like him working away or being abroad or something along those lines)
He had drawn the line on how you stand in the relationship, that is for sure.

Whatwouldscullydo · 25/10/2021 10:03

Of course he should come. But as he doesn't want to now I'd not push it. For your own sake not his. He will probably see it as a massive favour and probably be somewhat of a liability.a stress you could do without.

So sorry op he's a jerk. Shme it had ti he a funeral if all things that showed it.

I'm.sorry fir your loss Flowers

Ughmaybenot · 25/10/2021 10:04

Oh cross post. that’s not a good enough reason imo and I think makes it very clear he isn’t a good partner. A good partner would want to support their girlfriend of four years even if it was going to be a bit awkward… which I’m rolling my eyes at a bit if I’m honest.

GoodnightGrandma · 25/10/2021 10:04

It’s ok to not want to go, whatever his reason is. You asked , you didn’t demand , and he said no.

notacooldad · 25/10/2021 10:04

I should have put his reason for saying no. Basically it's that he didn't really know my Nan. He is quite socially awkward and doesn't ever really see my family even though we all live in the same town. Maybe a handful of times a year. I think this is probably the actual reason he has said no - so that he doesn't have to spend the day with a load of people he doesn't know.

So he has made it about him.
Awful!

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/10/2021 10:04

Well those are shit excuses. It’s not about him, it should be about you. You’re his partner, you’re grieving, the very least he can do it stick a shirt on and be by your side.

Monsterpumpkins · 25/10/2021 10:05

My exh refused to come to my dgm's funeral.. No papering over the fact he was a twat.
He even wanted me to ask my grieving aunt for fuel costs for all the trips he had taken me to see her in hospital..
A true cunt.
We lasted a few more months.

This is the true him op. Accept it and Ltb.