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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner won't come to funeral with me

200 replies

livinginmycomfys · 25/10/2021 09:52

My Nan died recently and her funeral is this week. I was close to my Nan. I initially didn't ask my partner of 4 years to come with me but as the date approaches I feel like I could do with his support.

Partner has this week off anyway and no plans on the day of the funeral.

I asked him last night if he would be willing to come with me for support and he said no. I appreciate he only met my Nan on a handful of occasions but there are other peoples partners going who also didn't know my Nan that well.

Was I being unreasonable in asking him to come with me? It didn't occur to me that he may say no.

OP posts:
MrsKeats · 25/10/2021 12:47

No one likes funerals so how is that an excuse!

Cherrysoup · 25/10/2021 12:47

He’s an arse, sorry. Socially awkward, whatever, you make the effort to support your partner. I’d be really pissed off with him. He could at least attend the ceremony and a bit of the wake.

Jamallama · 25/10/2021 12:48

I refuse to attend funerals of anyone I don't know well.
My DH grandparents died a few years after we married, who I'd only met a few times. I didn't attend their funerals. My DH has plenty of support from his own family on the day.
I can understand why your partner doesn't want to attend.

Meltinthemiddle · 25/10/2021 12:50

If he has genuine anxiety then I think it's unfair to break up with him without discussing things properly.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 25/10/2021 12:52

It doesn't matter than he didn't know your Nan. You are asking him to support YOU.

He's a selfish dick. Sorry.

AlexaShutUp · 25/10/2021 12:52

Explain that it's important to you to have him there for support. If he isn't willing, and doesn't have some sort of serious phobia relating to funerals, then he isn't much of a partner, is he?

toomuchlaundry · 25/10/2021 12:54

The partner has been supportive in some ways, so not a complete dick.

Maybe, his family have different expectations around funerals. DH’s parents are divorced. When my DF died my FIL asked if he could come to the funeral but it never occurred to my MIL. But she was supportive in other ways.

I didn’t go to DH’s Nan’s funeral as it was only a couple of months after my DF’s. I knew I would be mourning the wrong person, if that makes sense and DH would end up supporting me and not his parent which wouldn’t have been fair.

I would probably ask again and maybe do the compromise of just being at the service, maybe ask if he can be the person who takes the DC out if they are going and get too upset.

CombatBarbie · 25/10/2021 12:56

Socially awkward or not, this isn't about him....

Fuck that, would he expect the same from you.

DriftingBlue · 25/10/2021 12:57

Supporting your partner with funerals is basically in the unwritten job description of being a partner. The default would be attending the funeral, but sometimes it means staying home and providing child care or providing support in some other necessary way. He should have just assumed he was attending unless you needed him to do something else that day.

Chloemol · 25/10/2021 13:03

So have the conversation again, explain that whilst you know he didn’t really know your Nan you need him their as support for you on the day, so please can he come

If he still says no, then actually he doesn’t care about you and now you know

FetchezLaVache · 25/10/2021 13:04

@Jamallama

I refuse to attend funerals of anyone I don't know well. My DH grandparents died a few years after we married, who I'd only met a few times. I didn't attend their funerals. My DH has plenty of support from his own family on the day. I can understand why your partner doesn't want to attend.
Fine - as long as your DH is on the same page. If he asked for your support and you refused on the grounds you didn't know his DGPs well, you'd be just as much of a dick as OP's BF, IMO.
diddl · 25/10/2021 13:13

It's not about knowing your Nan it's about supporting you when you need it.

Jamallama · 25/10/2021 13:16

@FetchezLaVache there's nothing dickish about it at all.
Some people don't see the point of going to funerals of people who you don't particularly know.
No, I wouldn't ask my DH to attend a funeral with me. It's his choice.

LaetitiaASD · 25/10/2021 13:19

@livinginmycomfys

Sorry - I should have put his reason for saying no. Basically it's that he didn't really know my Nan. He is quite socially awkward and doesn't ever really see my family even though we all live in the same town. Maybe a handful of times a year. I think this is probably the actual reason he has said no - so that he doesn't have to spend the day with a load of people he doesn't know.
So, your partner feels awkward in social situations, and doesn't know your family? Is he actually able to give you support on the day given he will feel uncomfortable due to the people there and the fact that he'll feel like an intruder at a funeral for someone he barely knows? Won't other family members give you support?

YANBU to hope your partner will support you on the day... but I'm not sure he is BU either.

DilemmaDelilah · 25/10/2021 13:21

I had only been with my husband for 4 months when my father died. Not only did he support me he supported my mother and the whole family and has continued to do so for the whole of the 15 years we have been together. If your partner can't do this he is a heartless dick. However - he may not realise how much you need his support or how much you would value it. Try asking him again and tell him why you need him there. If that doesn't work then I think you need to consider carefully whether you can cope with having no support from him in future years.

DyingForACuppa · 25/10/2021 13:23

I have attended a funeral where I didn't know the person at all (obviously my partner knew them, and wanted my support). It's a completely normal thing to do if you're not massively self centered (genuine mental illness excepted).

Imagine putting your partners grief below your feelings about funerals (no one enjoys them), or some arbitrary standard about how well you know the dead person.

LaetitiaASD · 25/10/2021 13:25

@Chloemol

So have the conversation again, explain that whilst you know he didn’t really know your Nan you need him their as support for you on the day, so please can he come

If he still says no, then actually he doesn’t care about you and now you know

I do have some sympathy with your view, but on the other hand does OP need his support? Old people die, it kinda happens to everyone who hasn't died young... whilst this isn't a reason for DP not to attend, is there not an argument that the issue here is either that OP doesn't NEED DP there, or OP needs serious support more generally as it's really not healthy if you need your partner to support you when you have your whole family around you and the issue is that the inevitable has happened.

And surely having a socially awkward DP has it's pros and cons. Presumably he's not constantly out partying and coming home late which is probably something you like... the flip-side is that if there's anything he can do to get out of experiences he will hate (and maybe find distressing) then he will

DyingForACuppa · 25/10/2021 13:26

Some people don't see the point of going to funerals of people who you don't particularly know.

The point is to support the person who did particularly know them who is grieving and doesn't want to do so alone.

Jamallama · 25/10/2021 13:28

They won't be alone though, there will be family there for support.

HalzTangz · 25/10/2021 13:30

If he suffers with social anxiety then I can understand why he has said no. I'm the same as him, I would also say no, especially if I know other family and friends will be at the service that could provide support. I would of course provide support right up to dripping someone off and pick up the support as soon as I picked them up.

I wouldn't expect someone to do something they really didn't feel comfortable with just to support me and hope my friend and family group would be the same when making expectations of me

LaetitiaASD · 25/10/2021 13:30

@DyingForACuppa

I have attended a funeral where I didn't know the person at all (obviously my partner knew them, and wanted my support). It's a completely normal thing to do if you're not massively self centered (genuine mental illness excepted).

Imagine putting your partners grief below your feelings about funerals (no one enjoys them), or some arbitrary standard about how well you know the dead person.

Imagine being so completely self-centred that you can't comprehend just how much some people detest every single minute of big family social events like this, let alone a funeral and let alone a family they don't know?

Imagine being so cut up about the inevitable happening (no offence to nan, but it was gonna happen someday reasonably soon and it is nothing whatsoever even vaguely like your partner dying suddenly in an accident or something happening to your kid) that you need to force a partner along to an event that you know he'll find horrid and maybe distressing.

LaetitiaASD · 25/10/2021 13:30

@HalzTangz

If he suffers with social anxiety then I can understand why he has said no. I'm the same as him, I would also say no, especially if I know other family and friends will be at the service that could provide support. I would of course provide support right up to dripping someone off and pick up the support as soon as I picked them up.

I wouldn't expect someone to do something they really didn't feel comfortable with just to support me and hope my friend and family group would be the same when making expectations of me

Thanks for putting it better than me
FinallyHere · 25/10/2021 13:34

no one should be guilt tripping someone into going to a funeral.

Absolutely agree @WonderfulYou

Good partners put their own feelings second to their desire to support their loved ones in third hour of need, so in this case would show up without needing any "pressure".

This is how you know what sort of person someone is. Do they always put their own needs front and centre, or do they prioritise you when you need them to be there for you.

It doesn't seem to just be about funerals, either, does it. The example where he stayed outside the gate home has a whiff of his needs being prioritised, too.

Sorry OP.

BertramLacey · 25/10/2021 13:37

Basically it's that he didn't really know my Nan. He is quite socially awkward and doesn't ever really see my family even though we all live in the same town. Maybe a handful of times a year. I think this is probably the actual reason he has said no - so that he doesn't have to spend the day with a load of people he doesn't know.

Well he's prioritising his feelings of awkwardness over your grief. I can see this in two ways. My current partner sometimes needs me to explain the emotions I am experiencing whereas to another person they might be obvious. Once I've explained he's very sympathetic and if a similar situation arises again he is better at reading it. It's not his strong point but he works on it. He's so great in so many other ways that I accept this. I'm flawed too and there are things I work on.

However, with one ex, even if I explained he would still prioritise himself no matter what. He just didn't care if I was feeling hurt if fixing that meant some cost to him. So I would have on more go at explaining to your partner why you really want him there and how you feel when he says no. How he responds will tell you how much of a partnership you've got.

It's quite reasonable for you to want him there. It's quite reasonable for him to find this difficult. But I would want a partner who would be able to put aside their difficulties and support me in this instance, as i would do for them. And if he can't get over it, I'd be having a serious think about the relationship.

Snowisfallinghere · 25/10/2021 13:40

I initially didn't ask my partner of 4 years to come with me

It wouldn't even occur to me to ask, partners that have been together for more than a few weeks attend funerals, weddings, etc together by default, unless specifically told they're not welcome!

Whether he knew your nan or not is completely irrelevant. My husband attended grandparents' funerals with me in our early 20s even though he barely knew them and we'd only been together for a few months. He was a great comfort to me. It was never even considered that he shouldn't attend.