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Original poster

Partner won't come to funeral with me

200 replies

livinginmycomfys · 25/10/2021 09:52

My Nan died recently and her funeral is this week. I was close to my Nan. I initially didn't ask my partner of 4 years to come with me but as the date approaches I feel like I could do with his support.

Partner has this week off anyway and no plans on the day of the funeral.

I asked him last night if he would be willing to come with me for support and he said no. I appreciate he only met my Nan on a handful of occasions but there are other peoples partners going who also didn't know my Nan that well.

Was I being unreasonable in asking him to come with me? It didn't occur to me that he may say no.

OP posts:
DyingForACuppa · 25/10/2021 13:40

They won't be alone though, there will be family there for support.

The family will be dealing with their own grief, not all families are supportive, and in any case the OP wants the support of her partner, not someone else.

2bazookas · 25/10/2021 13:40

It was reasonable of you to ask him to attend.

It was reasonable of him to refuse because he barely knew her.

HWLA · 25/10/2021 13:41

He sounds a bit wet tbh.

How's your relationship overall? What are your plans for the future? Are you looking for marriage or kids or to cohabit?

What's he going to be like if you have kids and you're working so he's the one to go look around nurseries? If he has to go to parents' evenings where he doesn't know anyone and has to speak to a range of people?

This is very unattractive tbh, if a man can't be arsed to spend two hours out of his day to be there to support the woman he loves during an emotionally difficult time. I would be re-evaluating things.

HermioneKipper · 25/10/2021 13:44

What sort of partner would say no to this. Horrible and unsupportive.

I went to my then boyfriend (now husband’s) uncles funeral with him when we’d been together about a year to support him. He came to my gran’s with me when he’d only met her a handful of times. He even stepped in to carry the coffin when one of my cousins was running really late due to awful traffic. Because he’s a lovely, supportive man.

If you want him there then he should be there like a shot to support you, no questions asked.

HoldingTheDoor · 25/10/2021 13:45

If he suffers with social anxiety then I can understand why he has said no. I'm the same as him, I would also say no, especially if I know other family and friends will be at the service that could provide support. I would of course provide support right up to dripping someone off and pick up the support as soon as I picked them up.

I wouldn't expect someone to do something they really didn't feel comfortable with just to support me and hope my friend and family group would be the same when making expectations of me

It's a funeral! Sometimes you have to put yourself our for your loved one, because supporting them in their grief is far more important than your social anxiety. And yes I do know what anxiety is like and I have autism. It's still right to put your "needs" asides sometimes. And it isn't very healthy to avoid every single situation that could make you uncomfortable.

HoldingTheDoor · 25/10/2021 13:47

It was reasonable of him to refuse because he barely knew her.

That's completely irrelevant. He's there to support his partner in her grief. It's not about him.

Snowisfallinghere · 25/10/2021 13:56

@HoldingTheDoor it isn't very healthy to avoid every single situation that could make you uncomfortable.

Totally agree, not healthy AND selfish.

Imagine if everyone adopted this selfish attitude. Is it depressing to visit your elderly relative in their gloomy old people's home? Simply stop bothering to visit. Is it uncomfortable to talk to a friend who is grieving the loss of their child? Just cut off contact with them. Partner suffering from depression? Don't bother chatting to them anymore.

FFS.

Jamallama · 25/10/2021 13:56

@DyingForACuppa you can't always have what you want. You can't expect someone to do something that they don't want to do, just because you want them to, whatever the request is.

themadcatparade · 25/10/2021 13:58

Socially awkward or not he needs to button up and be there for you. He's being a dick and thinking about his own needs before yours. Imagine if you rejected his want for you to be at a close family funeral for him?!

My ex refused to stay the night to be with her me on the eve of my nans funeral when I needed him there (for no reason but his own selfishness) when usually he stayed all the time. He also made me cry over my meal in a restaurant that evening because he was being cruel to me. He didn't last long after that.

YouokHun · 25/10/2021 14:07

@livinginmycomfys

Sorry - I should have put his reason for saying no. Basically it's that he didn't really know my Nan. He is quite socially awkward and doesn't ever really see my family even though we all live in the same town. Maybe a handful of times a year. I think this is probably the actual reason he has said no - so that he doesn't have to spend the day with a load of people he doesn't know.
Sorry about your Nan @livinginmycomfys Flowers

He really should try and push through his social anxiety to support you and he needs to recognise that no one will be interested in him; he can go under the wire. Does he struggle with situations where other people’s emotions are not well contained? He can get help for SA so perhaps he ought to seek some help as it’s clearly stopping him doing what he should (I’m a CBT therapist and social anxiety is very common and can be really improved).

He should be supporting you. I’m going to a funeral of the mother of my DH’s old friend. I’ve never met her but it’s to show solidarity and support for her. My DF died in March while we were still in lockdown and one of the toughest things was not having people there to support us on the day of the funeral (obviously no ones fault, all due to lockdown). I know your partner is making excuses for his social anxiety (and appears otherwise supportive) but this occasion isn’t about knowing the dead, it’s about supporting the living and I don’t blame you for being hurt whatever his reasons.

Personally I’d play hardball and insist he comes to the service if not the wake. I’d also have a straight talk about his social anxiety getting in the way because if there are a load of situations he can’t face (and anxiety will get bigger the more he avoids) there will be many more situations you have to tackle on your own.

Dora33 · 25/10/2021 14:08

He is selfishly putting his discomfort before your need in grief have him support you at the funeral.
Is he the father of your DC? As I would have concerns on what support he will give and them at any family events.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 25/10/2021 14:11

@HalzTangz

If he suffers with social anxiety then I can understand why he has said no. I'm the same as him, I would also say no, especially if I know other family and friends will be at the service that could provide support. I would of course provide support right up to dripping someone off and pick up the support as soon as I picked them up.

I wouldn't expect someone to do something they really didn't feel comfortable with just to support me and hope my friend and family group would be the same when making expectations of me

But doing stuff that are uncomfortable, inconvenient, self-sacrificing is the very core of being a family, partners, friends, teammates etc. WTAF do you mean by no expectations? Of course it's very reasonable and normal to expect your loved ones to be there for you! If you can't even do it for your partner then who would you do it for? What kind of relationship is when you can't lean on the people in your time of need?

OP is in need and in grief.
It doesn't have to be justified or reasonable why and how she needs support. She just does.
And he is not willing to be the rock she needs right now, because he is a selfish twat.

girlmom21 · 25/10/2021 14:11

Does he realise this isn't about him, the absolute prick?

LaetitiaASD · 25/10/2021 14:13

@BertramLacey

Basically it's that he didn't really know my Nan. He is quite socially awkward and doesn't ever really see my family even though we all live in the same town. Maybe a handful of times a year. I think this is probably the actual reason he has said no - so that he doesn't have to spend the day with a load of people he doesn't know.

Well he's prioritising his feelings of awkwardness over your grief. I can see this in two ways. My current partner sometimes needs me to explain the emotions I am experiencing whereas to another person they might be obvious. Once I've explained he's very sympathetic and if a similar situation arises again he is better at reading it. It's not his strong point but he works on it. He's so great in so many other ways that I accept this. I'm flawed too and there are things I work on.

However, with one ex, even if I explained he would still prioritise himself no matter what. He just didn't care if I was feeling hurt if fixing that meant some cost to him. So I would have on more go at explaining to your partner why you really want him there and how you feel when he says no. How he responds will tell you how much of a partnership you've got.

It's quite reasonable for you to want him there. It's quite reasonable for him to find this difficult. But I would want a partner who would be able to put aside their difficulties and support me in this instance, as i would do for them. And if he can't get over it, I'd be having a serious think about the relationship.

I do have a lot of sympathy with this view, but I have one question.

How do you know that in this instance (for example) you are not asking him to do something that he finds 10/10 hard, to support you doing something you find 5/10 hard? How do you know that that you are asking for is less of an ask that what you are asking from them?

Original poster
livinginmycomfys · 25/10/2021 14:17

I'd say he does have social anxiety but not in all situations. Or he does have it in all situations but can 'suck it up' (for want of a better phrase) for some things (that are for him, not me).

OP posts:
LaetitiaASD · 25/10/2021 14:17

@Snowisfallinghere

I initially didn't ask my partner of 4 years to come with me

It wouldn't even occur to me to ask, partners that have been together for more than a few weeks attend funerals, weddings, etc together by default, unless specifically told they're not welcome!

Whether he knew your nan or not is completely irrelevant. My husband attended grandparents' funerals with me in our early 20s even though he barely knew them and we'd only been together for a few months. He was a great comfort to me. It was never even considered that he shouldn't attend.

Well, your experience is different from mine and I'd be very reluctant to make pointless horrid demands of partners even if they wanted to "help".

Which of us is right?

HoldingTheDoor · 25/10/2021 14:19

Attending a funeral to support your partner is far from some "pointless, horrid demand".

girlmom21 · 25/10/2021 14:27

Which of us is right?

I'll give you a clue @LaetitiaASD. It's not you.

PanicBuyingSprouts · 25/10/2021 14:30

I'd say he does have social anxiety but not in all situations. Or he does have it in all situations but can 'suck it up' (for want of a better phrase) for some things (that are for him, not me

So he can deal with his social anxiety if he thinks it's beneficial to him but not to support you when you're grieving.

I really hope you're not thinking of staying with him.

LaetitiaASD · 25/10/2021 14:30

@HoldingTheDoor

Attending a funeral to support your partner is far from some "pointless, horrid demand".
From where I'm sat it is. I hate formal social events of all types, and obviously funerals are amongst the worst. Even the tiniest hint of a religious element, and I am in hell. And to be honest formal secular service in a place where religious words get said (ie a crematorium) is enough of a "religious feel" for me to be in hell, let alone if it is actually a religious service or in a (spit) church.

If I were there I would be doing my best to turn off all of my senses from the second I arrived to when I left. I would be of no use to anyone.

It is a horrid demand.

Nor would I want to be in a relationship with someone so emotionally fragile that they fell apart and needed loads of support from me when their nan died. To me death is inevitable and grief is for when young people die, not when old people do.

It is a pointless demand.

LaetitiaASD · 25/10/2021 14:34

@girlmom21

Which of us is right?

I'll give you a clue @LaetitiaASD. It's not you.

And I'll give you a clue, it's not you.

You have every right to demand a partner who will support you any time that you assert you need support, no matter the cost to them in time, energy and unpleasantness.

I have the right not to want a partner who will fall apart when old people inevitably die, nor to want a partner who would want to drag me places where there are no benefits (to anyone) of me being.

HoldingTheDoor · 25/10/2021 14:35

Nor would I want to be in a relationship with someone so emotionally fragile that they fell apart and needed loads of support from me when their nan died. To me death is inevitable and grief is for when young people die, not when old people do.

It is a pointless demand.

You sound very emotionally fragile yourself, and simultaneously one very cold fish. People do miss and care for elderly family members too. They also matter but even if you do not see the point, the OP certainly does. Heaven forbid that her DP puts himself out for your grieving partner. From her description it doesn't sound as though attending would cause him real distress.

Luckily it seem

HoldingTheDoor · 25/10/2021 14:36

Excuse the extra line.

toomuchlaundry · 25/10/2021 14:38

I wouldn't be dragging someone to a funeral who really didn't want to be there, because how much support would they actually be.

What sort of things does he 'suck it up' for @livinginmycomfys?

HermioneKipper · 25/10/2021 14:38

@laetitiaASD I haven’t read such a horrible lost in a long time.

Anyone so emotionally fragile they fell apart when their Nan died? Jesus. You have absolutely no empathy.

You may have ASD but that doesn’t give you licence to be cruel to people. And the OP is obviously suffering. She was clearly close to her Nan and it’s very sad and upsetting when someone you’re close to dies, no matter how old they are.

I was terribly upset when my Gran died, we had a really close relationship. My husband was a brilliant support for me at that time.

It’s clearly better if you’re not in a relationship as you have no understanding of other people’s feelings.

If you haven’t read the updates the OP has said that her partner can switch off his social anxiety when he chooses if it’s for his benefit but not for anyone else. Funny that.