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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner won't come to funeral with me

200 replies

livinginmycomfys · 25/10/2021 09:52

My Nan died recently and her funeral is this week. I was close to my Nan. I initially didn't ask my partner of 4 years to come with me but as the date approaches I feel like I could do with his support.

Partner has this week off anyway and no plans on the day of the funeral.

I asked him last night if he would be willing to come with me for support and he said no. I appreciate he only met my Nan on a handful of occasions but there are other peoples partners going who also didn't know my Nan that well.

Was I being unreasonable in asking him to come with me? It didn't occur to me that he may say no.

OP posts:
ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 25/10/2021 14:41

@livinginmycomfys

I'd say he does have social anxiety but not in all situations. Or he does have it in all situations but can 'suck it up' (for want of a better phrase) for some things (that are for him, not me).
I think that just proves what most of us here think: that he's a selfish, self-centered twat with double standards.

So many red flags I could saw a summer bunting.

I'm so sorry for your loss, I hope your family or a friend can support you on the day.
And regarding your partner - I'd not be able to stay with him and certainly wouldn't ever dream of having kids with him.
He's too weak.

girlmom21 · 25/10/2021 14:47

nor to want a partner who would want to drag me places where there are no benefits (to anyone) of me being.

Judging by every single comment I've ever seen you make there's not much benefit to you being anywhere.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 25/10/2021 15:02

@girlmom21

nor to want a partner who would want to drag me places where there are no benefits (to anyone) of me being.

Judging by every single comment I've ever seen you make there's not much benefit to you being anywhere.

🤣 Miaow! But rightly so. What a nasty poster.

But being dragged to no benefit funerals are the very worst. I'm pretty sure the deceased would agree too.
maybe there's a market for FUN-erals?
Vigor Mortem parties?
Corpses With Benefits?

PinkSyCo · 25/10/2021 15:05

Sorry but, socially awkward or not, I think your partner’s being really selfish. You’ve lost a loved one and he needs to ‘suck it up’ for you, the woman he loves, on this occasion. I’m sorry for your loss OP. Flowers

FinallyHere · 25/10/2021 15:21

he does have it in all situations but can 'suck it up' (for want of a better phrase) for some things (that are for him, not me).

Yeah, he can make an effort when he wants to. When it's 'just' to support you, he doesn't want to.

Are you content with his approach?

It's easy to be someone's partner when everything is going well. It's when things are tough that you see what kind of person he is.

BertramLacey · 25/10/2021 15:23

How do you know that in this instance (for example) you are not asking him to do something that he finds 10/10 hard, to support you doing something you find 5/10 hard? How do you know that that you are asking for is less of an ask that what you are asking from them?

By talking and communicating. I don't score it though. It's the nature of someone selfish that they'll score anything a 9/10 even if it feels fairly mild to them, because they don't want to do it, and that's that. Some people never really confront their own discomfort or even attempt to work through it. And for others of course it's genuine and they really struggle. But it's only by talking to someone and spending a lot of time with them that you can work out which it is.

Ultimately though if someone is going to be 10/10 uncomfortable with offering support in many situations, I wouldn't think they were the right partner for me. The discomfort may well be very genuine, but sadly that might still leave us being incompatible.

BertramLacey · 25/10/2021 15:25

From where I'm sat it is. I hate formal social events of all types, and obviously funerals are amongst the worst. Even the tiniest hint of a religious element, and I am in hell. And to be honest formal secular service in a place where religious words get said (ie a crematorium) is enough of a "religious feel" for me to be in hell, let alone if it is actually a religious service or in a (spit) church.

References to hell are more than a nod to a religious element. A thumping great one in fact. So presumably @LaetitiaASD you're not always uncomfortable with religious words, since you make use of them.

IntermittentParps · 25/10/2021 15:29

LaetitiaASD, you sound very unsympathetic and weirdly proud of how funerals make you feel like you're 'in hell'.
I mean, it's not like anyone likes them. But it is important to support loved ones at things like this.

Tara336 · 25/10/2021 15:31

My Exh wouldn’t support me when my beloved grandad was dying, he said he didn’t like hospitals (despite regularly attending hospitals for work) something snapped in me when he refused to be there for me, I never felt the same way about him again. He admitted what he had done was wrong but that’s too little too late. I realised my didn’t matter too him as much as I thought

NeverDropYourMooncup · 25/10/2021 15:47

Imagine being so completely self-centred that you can't comprehend just how much some people detest every single minute of big family social events like this, let alone a funeral and let alone a family they don't know?

Imagine being so completely self-centred that you can't comprehend just how much some people detest every single minute of big family social events like this, let alone a funeral and let alone a family they don't know - and yet, because they are a grown up and care about the person, they still go along to provide support for that grieving person, irrespective of the age, health status or personality of the deceased in life. Because it's the right thing to do.

Derbee · 25/10/2021 15:48

so that he doesn't have to spend the day with a load of people he doesn't know

He’s not a “partner”. He’s a selfish wanker. His priority at this time should be supporting you.

Always saddened at how low the bar is set for relationships.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 25/10/2021 16:38

Sometimes you have to do something you really would rather not do for whatever 'about you' reason you have because someone you love really needs you to be there for them at a terrible time in their life. And you do it (unless you're a selfish arsehole) because you love them and the fact that they are going through something awful and need you matters more than you not feeling comfy around people you don't know or whatever else it is that feels more important than someone you love needing your support.

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/10/2021 16:49

@livinginmycomfys

I'd say he does have social anxiety but not in all situations. Or he does have it in all situations but can 'suck it up' (for want of a better phrase) for some things (that are for him, not me).
So - he's been unsupportive before then?

OP, please don't fall into the Sunken Costs Fallacy (I'll continue in this relationship because I can't 'throw four years away'). When your grief abates a little and you can step back and look at your relationship with a dispassionate eye - please do so. And make a considered decision as to whether this relationship is good for you.

TurquoiseDragon · 25/10/2021 17:30

@LaetitiaASD

The vast majority of people understand that a funeral can be unpleasant, but we suck it up and go to support those who grieve.

We don't stop loving people just because they get old, we will grieve whatever the age of the decreased.

Last year, my ex died, quite suddenly (not covid). I really didn't want to go to his funeral, he had been abusive to me, but I went. To support our children in the loss of their dad. It was the right thing to do.

You are coming across very oddly. In fact, I don't think you have a real grasp on how emotions affect people. Just because someone has fallen apart in grief, it doesn't actually mean they are fragile. It just means they are grieving.

lisaandalan · 25/10/2021 19:54

How long ago did you know when the funeral was ? Maybe if you've known a while he is upset you didn't ask before. X

FinallyHere · 25/10/2021 20:56

Maybe if you've known a while he is upset you didn't ask before

Yeah. Right.

VeganCheesePlease · 25/10/2021 21:19

Yanbu!!
Nobody likes funerals. Nobody! His job is to be there to support you.
What a selfish arsehole!

TimeForTeaAndG · 25/10/2021 22:58

@lisaandalan

How long ago did you know when the funeral was ? Maybe if you've known a while he is upset you didn't ask before. X
Maybe when her nan died he could have offered to go with her...but he didn't, did he?
UndertonesOfCake · 25/10/2021 23:03

@VeganCheesePlease

Yanbu!! Nobody likes funerals. Nobody! His job is to be there to support you. What a selfish arsehole!
A friend of a friend looks up funerals in the local paper and goes along on his days off.

"They put on a lovely spread..."

LaetitiaASD · 26/10/2021 14:01

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LaetitiaASD · 26/10/2021 14:02

@NeverDropYourMooncup

Imagine being so completely self-centred that you can't comprehend just how much some people detest every single minute of big family social events like this, let alone a funeral and let alone a family they don't know?

Imagine being so completely self-centred that you can't comprehend just how much some people detest every single minute of big family social events like this, let alone a funeral and let alone a family they don't know - and yet, because they are a grown up and care about the person, they still go along to provide support for that grieving person, irrespective of the age, health status or personality of the deceased in life. Because it's the right thing to do.

So I point out that there are two sides to this and your response is "no, there;s only one". I dislike your attitude.
NeverDropYourMooncup · 26/10/2021 14:48

I pointed out that there are multiple sides - that people don't have to enjoy the occasion, they could still go ahead and do it for the benefit of the person who is upset/grieving.

I think the appropriate phrase often used is 'It's not all about you' - in the event of the death of somebody who was important to a significant other, it definitely is about that person as their immediate emotional needs outweigh those of the other.

3846djsgsj873b · 26/10/2021 15:19

OP I am aware of one case where a distraught mourner was involved in a serious car crash after the funeral.
How are you getting there and back...?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 26/10/2021 15:28

Is he worried about socialising after the funeral, at the wake, @livinginmycomfys? If so, could you compromise - he comes to the service with you - which is the more upsetting and emotional part of things for you, where you would most need his support, but where there won’t be much socialising/chatting - but doesn’t go to the wake - which should be less emotional for you? He could go off somewhere for a coffee and come back and meet you after the wake.

I appreciate that this isn’t perfect, but might make things better for you than him not being there at all.

HoldingTheDoor · 26/10/2021 15:34

You sound worse with every post, Laetitia. Yes, you're the odd one. Most people aren't so callous. No one mentioned crying all day but there's no need to rant on about people having perfectly normal human emotions to the death of a loved one even if you don't understand it.

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