Partner won't come to funeral with me

[livinginmycomfys]

My Nan died recently and her funeral is this week. I was close to my Nan. I initially didn't ask my partner of 4 years to come with me but as the date approaches I feel like I could do with his support.

Partner has this week off anyway and no plans on the day of the funeral.

I asked him last night if he would be willing to come with me for support and he said no. I appreciate he only met my Nan on a handful of occasions but there are other peoples partners going who also didn't know my Nan that well.

Was I being unreasonable in asking him to come with me? It didn't occur to me that he may say no.

@livinginmycomfys

Sorry - I should have put his reason for saying no. Basically it's that he didn't really know my Nan. He is quite socially awkward and doesn't ever really see my family even though we all live in the same town. Maybe a handful of times a year. I think this is probably the actual reason he has said no - so that he doesn't have to spend the day with a load of people he doesn't know.

OK. So he prioritises his comfort (not spending time with people he doesn't know) over your distress (feeling the need for support at the funeral of a much-loved grandmother).

Personally, I'd be reassessing my relationship. In times of need, he will not support you. This is one of those times of need. There will be more.

My OH met my family for the first time at my Grandad’s funeral. We had been together about 6-8 weeks. One of my aunts always says it made her think he was a good bloke as he came to support me. On the other and it was noted another aunt’s long term partner did not and she was alone at her Dad’s funeral.

“Hand”

Would fully expect him to come, frankly wouldn't have expected to have to ask. YANBU.

YANBU for asking but he is NBU for not wanting to go.

Funerals are very personal things and I know people who won’t go to ones even if they were very close to the person that died.
I have not been to quite a few myself for various reasons.

A wedding or something is different but no one should be guilt tripping someone into going to a funeral.

You shouldn't even have to ask. They should be wanting to support you. 4 years, think grandma is sending you a sign from the heavens here.

Showing my age here but am really over people calling their BF/GF their "partner" when they're actually nothing of the sort.

A partner would be there for you OP. Your boyfriend is showing you how much he cares that he can't take a few hours out of his free day to attend your grandma's funeral to help you get through this shit day.

Does he have some aversion to funerals? Is he against organised religion so won't step foot in a church?

What do you think is is reason he doesn't want to go?

@Weepingwillows12

How did you phrase it when you asked him? As an introvert myself, my first instinct would have been no way as the thought of being around people I don't know well when they are grieving is hard. However I definitely would go if I knew my DH needed me. How clear did you make it you wanted him there?

OP asked if he'd be willing to go to support her.

that's pretty fucking clear and self-explanatory.
Being an introvert is no excuse to not support a partner who is grieving.

She asked if he was willing. He is not.

I'd expect my partner to come with me in this situation, especially the time you've been together. This would have me questioning my future with him. He's NBU as such in not wanting to go, but honestly, it's just a bit shit of him really isn't it.

He has shown how much he cares so he now needs to be your ex partner. He will never be there for you, can you imagine having a child with ? He would leave it all up to you. Don't waste another day on him.

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER

Would he have to take time off work? That is pertinent IMO.

Maybe it is pertinent to read the OP first post where she says he is off work that week with no plans.

No one likes funerals and many people find it hard to be around lots of people they don't know but most decent people would take on this discomfort for someone they love.

@livinginmycomfys

No he has no plans for that day.

He's been very supportive up until now. When me and my DC went to my Nan's care home to say goodbye, he sat outside in his car in case my youngest got too upset and wanted to leave. Has let me talk about my Nan to him as much as I want. So I don't really understand him saying no to coming with me.

Just wondering - is it possible that he has a problem with funerals in general? Do you have any experience of him going to other funerals, and how he handles them?

Sorry for your loss

I think how a partner reacts and supports you after a bereavement is the biggest indicator of whether you are in a committed and meaningful relationship.

I wouldn’t dream of not going to the funeral of one of DHs relatives if he wanted me there and the situation is mutual. The only time I didn’t go with him was to his ‘aunts’ funeral as one side of his family ran a foster home so lots of unofficial ‘aunties’ and ‘uncles.’ I can’t remember why I wasn’t going on that occasion but I did help DH pick out flowers to take with him.

I would be questioning your bfs commitment to you unless he has a deeply troubling backstory that prevents him from now going to funerals. I know this isn’t the best time for added worries when you are grieving.

If he’s not usually an arse try asking him to help you with things like selecting flowers and choosing your funeral clothes as you can use his reaction to doing these things to further assess his level of support.

YANBU.
In comparison my DH (boyfriend of 8 weeks at the time) met my DGM once and came to her funeral to support me.
He only knew me there and is quiet a shy person. But he came for me.
I'm sorry he is not being supportive. You deserve more. Sorry for your loss

Does he not understand that as a friend he has obligations to support you.
Being a wimp over not liking funerals is feeble. They are part of adult life.
Red Flag. Is he an adult?

My ex husband wouldn't take the day off to come to a wedding with me when I was maid of honour. It was a rushed affair as the groom was shipping out unexpectedly so they brought the wedding forward. My ex didn't want to waste a day's leave (he has 33 days banked). Notice I say my ex.
I spent the day fending off 'where's your DH?' . We went to 6 weddings that year, all of his friends.

It was a red flag in a sea of red flags that I didn't see until the end.

He is putting his social Comfort above your emotional needs

Lots of us have social anxiety but most of us push through it in times of others needs

I’d see this as a red flag

I went with dh to his nans funeral 2 hrs drive from where we live, even though we’d only been together a few months and I’d never met her or any of that side of the family.

Conversely he came with me to my long standing friend’s dp’s funeral a year after that even though he’d only met him once.

You go to support your partner, the other family dynamics are irrelevant.

Unless there is some real mental or physical health issue which would preclude this.

But it’s your decision whether you believe he’s being a dick about this issue.

I'm socially anxious so I understand his position.

However, funerals of close family members is one of those times I would suck it up & make an effort.

I know one or two people, who won't go to a funeral. simply because they hate funerals, which is not a good reason really, but seems to trigger something that they find horrifying about death and funerals.

In his defence does he suffer from anxiety or social anxiety? I hate social get togethers with people I don't know too well, furnerals are even more awkward and tense. My partner has a family furneral coming up, if I was working there's no way I would get time off but as it is I am free on that day. I've said it will got to support him but I'm not too sure of I will go to the wake if I'm honest it depends as my anxiety is really bad at them moment even more so since covid and theres a chance of a family rift kickeling off so that's making me more anxious even dh!

@Wombat49

I'm socially anxious so I understand his position.

However, funerals of close family members is one of those times I would suck it up & make an effort.

Exactly. Sometimes we just need to do that and be brave. ❤

@1forAll74

I know one or two people, who won't go to a funeral. simply because they hate funerals, which is not a good reason really, but seems to trigger something that they find horrifying about death and funerals.

I totally get that! Social anxiety, sadness and death one of my main fears 😔

Your DP isn’t a good partner. Refusing to support you at a family funeral is a really nasty thing to do to you. You need to break up with him because you now know that he will never really be there for you when you need him. You deserve so much better

My dh is coming with me to a family funeral this week.
He's probably meet the deceased twice.
Not partner behaviour op that he's displaying.

@1forAll74

I know one or two people, who won't go to a funeral. simply because they hate funerals, which is not a good reason really, but seems to trigger something that they find horrifying about death and funerals.

But after 4 years OP would know if that was the case, wouldn't she? And so she wouldn't have asked or maybe asked but wouldn't be taken aback by answer.

This man needs to be given no such benefits of doubt.
He is simply not willing to support his partner.