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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner won't come to funeral with me

200 replies

livinginmycomfys · 25/10/2021 09:52

My Nan died recently and her funeral is this week. I was close to my Nan. I initially didn't ask my partner of 4 years to come with me but as the date approaches I feel like I could do with his support.

Partner has this week off anyway and no plans on the day of the funeral.

I asked him last night if he would be willing to come with me for support and he said no. I appreciate he only met my Nan on a handful of occasions but there are other peoples partners going who also didn't know my Nan that well.

Was I being unreasonable in asking him to come with me? It didn't occur to me that he may say no.

OP posts:
Artie30 · 25/10/2021 10:58

YANBU. I'd understand maybe if he had to work and couldn't get the time off but seeing as he's off anyway, he sounds like an asshole. Even if he didn't really know your nan, it's being there for you, his partner!

I wouldn't force him to go but i would be considerable considering our relationship! He should want to be there for you!

Sparklfairy · 25/10/2021 10:59

He's putting his own feelings about awkwardness or whatever above yours. That's all you need to know.

He's not a partner.

RandomDent · 25/10/2021 11:04

Nope, not good. I’ve been to various funerals over the years, some with husband, some not. Every one I’ve asked him to come to, he has. And vice versa.

FortunesFave · 25/10/2021 11:05

No excuse. He's shit. My EX came from London up North to attend my Dad's funeral...we'd been split up for 6 months! He arrived and held my hand like a good friend.

Your partner is childish at best and selfish at worst.

QueenofLouisiana · 25/10/2021 11:07

I’d met DH’s Nan once before she died. We had been together for about 18 months at the time. Of course I went with him. It was about supporting him and his family at that very difficult time.

I’m very sorry that you lost your Nan, I hope you enjoy your wonderful memories of her. Flowers

Wife2b · 25/10/2021 11:09

Sorry for your loss OP. I’m usually against LTB but if you can’t rely on him to support you at a time like this, what is he going to be like when life gets hard in other ways. I’m not sure I’d see a future, I’m sorry.

YearsSinceISawYou · 25/10/2021 11:09

This is a fork in the road, OP.

You can carry on down the path you're on with someone who sounds as if his needs will always come first, no matter how much you need him.

You can come off the path and leave him behind.

If you stay, I can almost guarantee that, at some point, maybe years in the future, you will recognise this as the moment you should have left him but maybe then it will be too late.

DILevil · 25/10/2021 11:14

Even if he had never met her, you asked for support and that’s natural and he said no, he told you everything you need to know about that. Also at the nursing home, he didn’t need to wait int the car, he could have said to your youngest “I’ll come with you and we can leave together any time”. He could have gone in with you.

RandomDent · 25/10/2021 11:18

How is he going to be if you get sick?

TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat · 25/10/2021 11:18

How long have you been together?

If this is a fairly new relationship then I could maybe sort of understand, but from your OP and updates this sounds like a serious LTR.

I would be very upset if I was you. He's being very selfish and unsupportive.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 25/10/2021 11:19

If it’s his social anxiety taking over why not see if he will come with you to the actual funeral, then leave you go on to the wake on your own. Sounds like it’s the social aspect of it that’s the worry. Given he has been supportive of you in other ways, it seems as though he has a problem, rather then he is just being nasty.

PanicBuyingSprouts · 25/10/2021 11:19

This is a fork in the road, OP.

You can carry on down the path you're on with someone who sounds as if his needs will always come first, no matter how much you need him.

You can come off the path and leave him behind.

If you stay, I can almost guarantee that, at some point, maybe years in the future, you will recognise this as the moment you should have left him but maybe then it will be too late.

I was going to post but I can't put it any better than this. This is indeed a fork and you need to choose the right path. For me, that path would be without a man who puts his own needs before yours at a time when you're in need of support.

2pinkginsplease · 25/10/2021 11:19

You shouldn’t even have had to ask him to come, he should have offered to be there with you to support you! That’s what partners do!

He’s making excuses.

Leftbutcameback · 25/10/2021 11:23

I'm sorry to hear you've lost your nan, and not surprised you need some support. When I was a lot longer my grandad died, he was 91, and my boyfriend of a few years hadn't met him due to grandad's dementia. He was a great support during the funeral, came to lunch afterwards with my family (above and beyond as he didn't know anyone but my dad), and even said how moving he found it. YANBU, but he is.

Leftbutcameback · 25/10/2021 11:26

I really struggle with going to funerals of people I don't know well. The reason is that I get upset, when I have no reason to be upset. It's so embarrassing. I hate it happening, but will always go with a friend, partner or family who needs support.

Weepingwillows12 · 25/10/2021 11:26

How did you phrase it when you asked him? As an introvert myself, my first instinct would have been no way as the thought of being around people I don't know well when they are grieving is hard. However I definitely would go if I knew my DH needed me. How clear did you make it you wanted him there?

TatianaBis · 25/10/2021 11:29

@Weepingwillows12

How did you phrase it when you asked him? As an introvert myself, my first instinct would have been no way as the thought of being around people I don't know well when they are grieving is hard. However I definitely would go if I knew my DH needed me. How clear did you make it you wanted him there?
How hard is it to figure out that when a family member dies your partner needs you for support?
NeverDropYourMoonCup · 25/10/2021 11:33

@livinginmycomfys

Sorry - I should have put his reason for saying no. Basically it's that he didn't really know my Nan. He is quite socially awkward and doesn't ever really see my family even though we all live in the same town. Maybe a handful of times a year. I think this is probably the actual reason he has said no - so that he doesn't have to spend the day with a load of people he doesn't know.
Bollocks. Mine is super antisocial. He still came with me to the hospital where my brother was (and sat waiting for me every time) and came with me to the funeral. For my benefit, not his.
QueenDanu · 25/10/2021 11:38

Each to their own but I wouldn't have any time for a ''partner'' like this in my life.

This is the absolute worst of both worlds. If you were single you wouldn't feel let down and disappointed and conflicted.

Chewbecca · 25/10/2021 11:41

YANBU at all. Sorry for your loss.

Have you told him that you would like him to come to support you?

MargosKaftan · 25/10/2021 11:47

You live in the same town as your family, but he doesn't know any of them. Because he doesn't know any of them well, he doesn't feel comfortable going to a family occasion. But the way you get to know your partners extended family well is by going to family occasions.

Funerals, weddings and christenings are the only times DH has met my cousins who live up North, and we've been together over 20 years.

He won't make the effort to support you, because he might feel a little awkward. He won't make the effort to get to know your family, then use that lack of relationship as an excuse not to be a good partner.

LunaMay · 25/10/2021 11:50

I wouldn't have thought there'd be any question of a partner of 4 years attending to support their partner.

What is he like with other social events? I can get quite anxious and absolutely dread any events/parties where there is a chance i may be left to 'fend for myself' amongst people i don't know. It means even with the best intentions i can be quite flaky BUT a funeral is different especially if its to support someone close to me.

Will he not just go to the service and skip the wake or any kind of meet up after?

Sorry for your loss Flowers

CharityDingle · 25/10/2021 11:54

I would expect the default position to be that a partner would attend, in order to support the person grieving. In relation to him being socially awkward, presumably your family are aware of that and won't have any expectations otherwise.

And all he has to do, is be there for you, at your side, nothing more really.

whynotwhatknot · 25/10/2021 12:02

Before dh and i got married his aunt died id never met her but went to support him it was the first time meeting alot of his family aswell which was awkward but i got through it

theres no excuse sorry

whynotwhatknot · 25/10/2021 12:03

I do suffer from anxety aswell i forgot to say

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