Partner won't come to funeral with me

[livinginmycomfys]

My Nan died recently and her funeral is this week. I was close to my Nan. I initially didn't ask my partner of 4 years to come with me but as the date approaches I feel like I could do with his support.

Partner has this week off anyway and no plans on the day of the funeral.

I asked him last night if he would be willing to come with me for support and he said no. I appreciate he only met my Nan on a handful of occasions but there are other peoples partners going who also didn't know my Nan that well.

Was I being unreasonable in asking him to come with me? It didn't occur to me that he may say no.

I'm sorry about your Nan.
Has he been dodging the question all week?
Being in a relationship with a social awkward person is hard work, Is he awkward around your family or most people?

@livinginmycomfys

Sorry - I should have put his reason for saying no. Basically it's that he didn't really know my Nan. He is quite socially awkward and doesn't ever really see my family even though we all live in the same town. Maybe a handful of times a year. I think this is probably the actual reason he has said no - so that he doesn't have to spend the day with a load of people he doesn't know.

Don’t let him get away with his crap excuses. Absolutely pathetic. Lots of people are shy / introverted / socially awkward etc. As adults you need to deal with it and interact with other people. I am sure he manages to do so in many other situations.

Any case it is a funeral, you just sit there quietly.

What reason did he give?

It is very normal for people to be accompanied to a funeral for support, even if the other person didn't know the deceased.

You have been in a relationship with this person for four years, only you know if his social awkwardness is going to end up ruining the relationship. If it means a total lack of support for you in a variety of situations in the future, then this may be a wake up call for you .

He doesn't sound caring. Does he have anything remotely important to do on the day?

My husband didn't go to my great aunts funeral, he didn't know her that well and I wasn't pushing him coming with me. Don't think my brother went to it.

That is so sad
Ask again and this this time say that it’s you that needs the support if he doesn’t go with you willingly then I would think again about this ‘partner’

Does he meet other people socially, or is it just your family he avoids? Could he come to the funeral part and leave before the funeral tea (if you are having one). So he can support you through the service but doesn’t have to socially interact with too many people

No he has no plans for that day.

He's been very supportive up until now. When me and my DC went to my Nan's care home to say goodbye, he sat outside in his car in case my youngest got too upset and wanted to leave. Has let me talk about my Nan to him as much as I want. So I don't really understand him saying no to coming with me.

My condolences on your bereavement, I hope you have supportive family and friends at this time. Your “partner” is incredibly selfish and if you stay with him you will never be cherished, always come way down his list of priorities - in fact, your needs will NEVER be a priority. You deserve so much more.
I left my exH six weeks after my mother passed away, his abhorrent behaviour opened my eyes to him after a decade together. I have never regretted getting rid of him.

He's not a nice person. Very selfish.

YANBU.

When my DGM died my DP of 2 years, who had met her only once due to COVID, drove a 3 hour round trip after a night shift to come, because he wanted to support me.

Would he have to take time off work? That is pertinent IMO.

That's awful

It's not about him, or even your Nan/family

It's about you, needing support and him being there to give it

Tell him you need him there

(Unless you feel his awkwardness would intrude on your grief or make it hard to spend as long as you need with your family)

He's been very supportive up until now. When me and my DC went to my Nan's care home to say goodbye, he sat outside in his car in case my youngest got too upset and wanted to leave. Has let me talk about my Nan to him as much as I want. So I don't really understand him saying no to coming with me

Why would he need to sit in the car for that

And "let you"

Did you need permission?

I'm.worried about your thinking here op

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER He's already got this week booked off as annual leave. No plans for the day of the funeral, has plans the other days.

So he would rather leave you unsupported than having to spend a day with you but having lots of other people in the same room, not much to put up with in order to support your partner, hope you don’t ever need him in a time of crisis

@Whatwouldscullydo He sat in the car because if my youngest got upset and wanted to leave it meant they could go and sit with him, and me and my eldest could carry on with the visit.

Sorry 'let me' was probably the wrong choice of words there.

Maybe rephrase the question,

“I want support at my nans funeral, your obviously coming right?”

I'd say he was being unreasonable. He is putting a short time of awkwardness above you need for support at a family funeral.

Sorry, that's quite a shit reason on a day that you'll need support.

I don't think either of your are being U.

If he doesn't know your family well, going to a funeral for someone he also didn't know well can be a lot. It can feel like you're an awkward spectator to a families grief and a day that no one is feeling their best on (and perhaps are less likely to socialise / make an effort with others) it's hard to go if you're feeling like an outsider.

I've had three family funerals recently, and I felt incredibly sorry at one for my cousins partner at one of them. He knew none of us well, and spent most of the time awkwardly sat alone whilst my cousin grieved with family members. None of us had the emotional space or energy to spend time specifically trying to get him involved and to be honest we were just about holding it together as a family. In this situation I felt very sorry for him, obviously there to support my cousin but in all honesty she was getting the support from the family and he was sat to the side. It's too emotionally draining being at your third family funeral in 3 months to then spend time trying to involve someone in the day who didn't know the person well / isn't actively grieving.

You will have the support of your family there, and he will be able to support you at home as you've mentioned he has been doing.

It was this situation that convinced my DSis that her ex was a selfish git and she got rid.
Partners /spouses are supposed to support each other in these situations. It's also showing respect for your nan and family in general. He needs to grow up and step up.

If he wasn’t close to your Nan I wouldn’t expect him to come in with you to say your goodbyes at the nursing home, so I don’t think he did anything wrong there.

I went to my DHs grandads funeral. I’d never met his grandad, he died the week before I was meeting his wider family. He wanted the support, so I went.

It was awkward, I was cautious to try and stay in the background and it not become about “meeting” me, and DHs mum decided to introduce me at the wake by reeling off some bizarre irrelevant facts which made me cringe down to my shoes… but I was glad I went, because he wanted the support.

Maybe he thought he’d got away with not going, as you hadn’t invited him, and then panicked when you asked?

I’d expect him to get his head around it and then agree to go, to be honest, for your benefit. Especially after four years. If he’s got social anxiety; learning to say no to things that might affect him is an important stage, but so is having coping mechanisms for when you do have to do something that you’d rather not.