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Original poster

Partner won't come to funeral with me

200 replies

livinginmycomfys · 25/10/2021 09:52

My Nan died recently and her funeral is this week. I was close to my Nan. I initially didn't ask my partner of 4 years to come with me but as the date approaches I feel like I could do with his support.

Partner has this week off anyway and no plans on the day of the funeral.

I asked him last night if he would be willing to come with me for support and he said no. I appreciate he only met my Nan on a handful of occasions but there are other peoples partners going who also didn't know my Nan that well.

Was I being unreasonable in asking him to come with me? It didn't occur to me that he may say no.

OP posts:
Thethreecs · 25/10/2021 10:28

Sorry for your loss.

I can see both sides of this. Personally I hate funerals, as do many. I've been to so, so many over the years. I do attend funerals of those I was close to, sometimes dh comes with me sometimes he doesn't, depending on childcare, travel, time off work etc. Sometimes it's easier for me to just go. He still supports me, even if he's not physically going.

Dhs family on the other hand believe that everyone goes to the funeral, it doesn't matter if you've never met the person, you go. I've been to many funerals where I've never met the person, dragged 5 kids and a wheelchair, I've travelled 4 hours to funerals of people I've never met, but because dh is related to them in some way, we all have to go. They see it as support, respect etc, there we are sitting up front mourning a person we never met, while friends of the deceased are standing at the back, which personally I find 2 faced. I feel I'm taking the seat of someone who will have known this person well.

I also hate the wake after, obviously over the years I now know most people. However when I was dating dh I found myself sitting at wakes on my own, I was so shy and knew hardly anyone, everyone was chatting and catching up, but God it dragged and I felt so awkward.

Obviously if you need him with you, you should say that you need him there. I know lots of people who just don't go to funerals because they really can't make themselves go.

crankysaurus · 25/10/2021 10:29

And does he ever have any intent on meeting your family and friends again? Rather hoping his reluctance doesn't stop you visiting them.

BananaBlue · 25/10/2021 10:30

Won’t he spend the day worried about you if he isn’t there to make sure you are ok?

I’d be questioning my relationship if those levels of care and concern weren’t there.

TheUnbearable · 25/10/2021 10:31

My ex was socially awkward. He was actually anti social. I remember him refusing to come out on a sunny day and thinking what’s the point. He also glowered at my friends and just wouldn’t communicate. Decades later at a funeral I saw him and heard his lovely Mum say to his wife, well you know how he gets. I just felt very sorry for his wife.

Regardless of the reasons as to why a person is like this they make absolutely crap partners.

He let you talk about her? that’s just what everyone should do normally it doesn’t make him nice.

PurpleFlower1983 · 25/10/2021 10:31

He’s a selfish twat and I’d be moving on. The true test of a relationship is how you get through the worst times together IMO.

PurpleFlower1983 · 25/10/2021 10:32

I had an ex like this, I’m so glad he is an ex.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 25/10/2021 10:32

YANBU to ask and in a good, supportive relationship I'd expect a partner to say yes.

I'd want to know why he said no.
I really can't imagine anything that's a valid excuse, unless there's a movie plot twist and he's in witness protection or have a funeral related superhero origin story.

You need support and if he refuses he's a twat.

drpet49 · 25/10/2021 10:32

* after 4 years I wouldn’t expect to have to ask my partner to come - I’d expect him just to be there.*

^This. Why are you with this guy?

ClawedButler · 25/10/2021 10:33

Will it be enjoyable for him, or easy? No.
But is it important that he goes with you, to just be there? Yes.

I understand it's an unpleasant situation for him to be in, and I don't blame him for feeling awkward and unwilling. But sometimes your partner needs you and you do these things because their wellbeing is important - more important than your own comfort sometimes.

BackBackBack · 25/10/2021 10:34

Have you explained to your partner that you aren't asking him to go to the funeral to 'say goodbye', but that you want him there to support you at a difficult time?

My H dislikes funerals (and also several members of my family!) but has always asked me if I would like him to go with me to support me.

thelegohooverer · 25/10/2021 10:35

Not going is only going to make it harder for him in future with your family because his absence will be noticed. It’s a very public statement that he’s making.

Does he understand or have experience of the social norms around family events? I have great sympathy for him feeling socially awkward because I do but there are times when you have to put it aside and show your face. The good thing about funerals is that you can get by with a few stock phrases and it’s appreciated if you fade quietly into the background a bit.

Maybe talk to him again because I think it’s very likely he hasn’t realised that he’s making a very loud statement by his absence and if he’s shy he might want to rethink that.

NotMoreMinecraft · 25/10/2021 10:35

Could you ask him to go to service as a support to you and then he could leave? Compromise. He would support you but not be there for the difficult social aspects of the day

saraclara · 25/10/2021 10:37

[quote livinginmycomfys]@Whatwouldscullydo He sat in the car because if my youngest got upset and wanted to leave it meant they could go and sit with him, and me and my eldest could carry on with the visit.

Sorry 'let me' was probably the wrong choice of words there. [/quote]
He could have come in with you all, and left WITH the youngest IF they got upset.

Your/his explanation makes no sense at all.

IntermittentParps · 25/10/2021 10:37

I really think he should go.
It doesn't matter if he's 'awkward'. You want and need his support.
No one needs to be exactly on sparkling social form at funerals anyway.

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 25/10/2021 10:37

He might not know your Nan but it's about him being there to support you. Speaks volumes around how he sees you and how selfish he is

FinallyHere · 25/10/2021 10:38

** Sorry for your loss.

so that he doesn't have to spend the day with a load of people he doesn't know.

I would expect a 'partner' to put these feelings aside given the situation. He should be there for you.

if my youngest got upset and wanted to leave it meant they could go and sit with him

He could have come in and then taken the youngest out. This is all about him. When is he going to make what you want his priority?

Sorry OP, This one is not a keeper.

TatianaBis · 25/10/2021 10:39

Who cares if he’s socially awkward, all he has to do is turn up and support you.

CaptainHammer · 25/10/2021 10:43

So sorry for your lossFlowers

It’s in the hard times that you really see who a person is. No one likes funerals and a lot of people are socially awkward but you suck it up when your partner needs you. He hasn’t bothered so it’s now up to you if you think he is worth sticking with

Whatwouldscullydo · 25/10/2021 10:43

He could have come in and then taken the youngest out. This is all about him. When is he going to make what you want his priority?

Yy the fact he made it look like he was doing the op a favour whilst expecting her to juggle two kids and deal with her nan, and promptly expect an upset child to make a rational.decision and definitely go back to the car, not hide somewhere or run off.

op please stop letting him.convinve you his absence is somehow a good thing and a considered response to whtever the crisis is at the time.

toomuchlaundry · 25/10/2021 10:47

@saraclara not everyone wants a big group round their death bed. My DF made it clear he didn’t want that or a fancy funeral. Didn’t want any fuss.

So I don’t see a problem with him not coming into the nursing home.

Still feel guilty now that DH came in with me when I said goodbye to DF. They knew each other well but DF was a proud man and I am not sure he would have wanted DH to see him in such a vulnerable state.

Ellmau · 25/10/2021 10:50

So will he at least go in the car with you, and not attend the ceremony itself but wait for you like he did at the hospital? If that's a no, I would be very much reconsidering the relationship.

Pyewackect · 25/10/2021 10:50

Should he go with you, yes he should but you can't make him. Is it worth ending a 4 year relationship over, no it isn't.

TerribleCustomerCervix · 25/10/2021 10:55

Why on earth would anyone have to ask their partner to attend a family funeral? Who are these men that just float through life balking at making the smallest concession to a fairly reasonable social expectation?

Isn’t the whole point of being in an adult relationship that you support each other?

I mean no one likes going to funerals, that’s a given. They are upsetting for those who were close to the deceased and a bit boring for those who weren’t. But it means a huge amount to the family and loved ones, so we go.

I’m N Irish and I know we do things differently, but this goes beyond the English/ Irish cultural differences.

myheartskippedabeat · 25/10/2021 10:56

Huge red flag
I think you need to be having a serious think about your "partner"
He sounds like he isn't there for you when you need it most
Get rid

FetchezLaVache · 25/10/2021 10:56

Fucking hell. My dad died 18 months into my relationship and not only did DP take two days of AL to come to the funeral, his lovely parents (who had never even met DDad) also came to support me. Your 'D''P' is a disgrace.

For me, this man is telling you loud and clear that he will never, ever take himself out of his comfort zone for you, whatever the circumstances. That's not a man to grow old with, OP.

So sorry about your lovely nan Flowers