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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand what I have done?

296 replies

TheWeekDay · 25/09/2021 08:32

Due to go on holiday with DH today. GPs to look after the DC so we can have a bit of time together. Things have been tough recently so much needed.

Yesterday DC was sent home from preschool in the morning as unwell (not covid symptoms). DH is at home as has been off sick with stress for 3 months so picked DC up.

I came home from work and said I’d look after DC for a couple of hours in the afternoon and do the work I needed to do in the evening, so he could go for a run and do some of his other hobby.

He say it wasn’t for me to say how much time he got. He needed more than a couple of hours.

I’m pregnant, tired, struggling with morning sickness, working FT in the office. Any work I didn’t do in the day I would have to do in the evening.

So off he went for 4 hours. I then had to work till past midnight. I’m not sure that’s ok, but maybe because of his stress he can’t cope.

What I’m really upset about though is that he’s now refusing to come on holiday because, he says, of how I have behaved. He’s accused me of bullying him. I’m completely confused. I came home from work to give him a break. I haven’t had a break at all.

I just don’t understand what I have done. AIBU?

OP posts:
FuckingFlumps · 25/09/2021 08:36

You haven't done anything wrong at all. He however seems to have it quite comfortably right now.

Is he actually getting any help for his stress and what was his response when you pointed out you don't get time to go for a run and do your hobbies?

AtlasPine · 25/09/2021 08:37

Sounds like something else is going on and he’s projecting onto you. Not fair at all.

latte101 · 25/09/2021 08:38

He's an arsehole.

He is bullying you.

Go without him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/09/2021 08:39

You haven’t done anything.

Do you think he really wanted to go or has he manufactured an imagined outrage to get out of it?

4 hours?! What the fuck was he doing all that time?

He chose to leave the house where his child who needed looking after was, where his wife needed to be getting on with work, for 4 hours. That’s so very selfish.

He doesn’t seem to care about you at all.

Are you still going? Can you go by yourself?

girlmom21 · 25/09/2021 08:39

He's being a prick. He'll presumably use his 'stress' as an excuse.

Does he normally look after the DC for a few hours by himself?

I'm going to hazard a guess that 4 hours is exactly how long he had DS for yesterday?

AttaGirrrrl · 25/09/2021 08:40

Doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything wrong. Sounds like he’s being hugely unreasonable. Have you asked him what is wrong?

MaudebeGonne · 25/09/2021 08:40

You haven't done anything wrong and you should go on holiday by yourself and get some rest. If this little scenario is a snapshot of your life, then you deserve a break away from him. He acted like a selfish arse.

HeartsAndClubs · 25/09/2021 08:40

Tel him fine, you’ll go without him. Then tell the GP’s that as he’ll be home there’s no need for them to look after the DC.

Tosser.

I really hate when people use stress as an excuse to say/do what they want and nobody can challenge them because “I’m suffering from stress.” Fuck that.

Theunamedcat · 25/09/2021 08:42

Can you go alone or take the kids away by yourself I wouldn't want to leave my children with someone stressed

RNBrie · 25/09/2021 08:42

Go without him.

ArabellaStrange · 25/09/2021 08:42

Really go on the holiday by yourself. Your partner sounds like a walking penis.

CandyLeBonBon · 25/09/2021 08:43

That sounds quite manipulative on his part but stress can make people very unreasonable. That's no excuse if course. A new pregnancy on top of all this seems ambitious as well? Maybe that's causing both of you to feel under pressure. Was it planned?

I'm sorry you're going through this Thanks

Sciurus83 · 25/09/2021 08:43

Should've stayed at work and let him cope, sounds like he's got a bit entitled

WoozySnoozy · 25/09/2021 08:43

Go without him.

When do you get your 4 hours?!

Devon1987 · 25/09/2021 08:44

You both deserve equal leisure time and he is a dickhead for how he has treated you. Go without him.
Your pregnant and working full time and from the sounds of it killing yourself to keep this ungrateful oaf happy.
Fuck him.

Brefugee · 25/09/2021 08:45

Go without him. While you are away on your own, make a list of the pros and cons of your DH and make a decision about how to move forward accordingly.

notanothertakeaway · 25/09/2021 08:46

I assume there's a back story here, if you say things have been tough, and he's been off work for 3 months

Is he unwell, or selfish, or both?

You can't control his behaviour, but can control how you respond

Sometimes, best not to engage if someone is being unreasonable eg he's probably expecting you to beg him to come on holiday. Don't. Just say you're sorry to hear he may not wish to come, but respect his decision. And then decide if you want to go anyway

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 25/09/2021 08:46

You've done nothing wrong. You're pregnant, you deserve kindness and care. Go on holiday by yourself and use the time to think. Definitely leave him at home. GPs can help or not, it's up to them

ZenNudist · 25/09/2021 08:46

Sorry but LTB

Definitely go on the holiday yourself. Take a friend or your mum / sister

gailplattshairbrush · 25/09/2021 08:47

Yeah there doesn't sound like there's much equality there. You're expected to work while looking after a sick child, then work into the evening to catch up, while he goes out and pleases himself for 4 hours...but he's the one who's miffed?

Are you sure this isn't an excuse to not go away?

I wouldn't want to go with someone who was behaving like that. It will make for a tense atmosphere and it won't be enjoyable.

Ask him plainly what he's so cross about. Explain you did nothing wrong. If he's willing to be sensible and move on, fair enough. If he carries on this charade I would calmly say ok then and go on the holiday alone or with a friend. People only treat you how you allow yourself to be treated. Don't question yourself when it's clear you've done nothing wrong.

TheChiefJo · 25/09/2021 08:50

So you came home early from work to relieve him of childcare duties, meaning you'd need to work into the night and he said 'that's not enough'?

Take the break on your own and have a think about that relationship.

Wapawapa · 25/09/2021 08:50

I think your only mistake here was coming home early from work to mind DC. Surely your husband could have done that and you could have finished your work then had the evening "off" i.e. without work.
He sounds like a dose.
Enjoy your holiday without him. You might find you have a better time now that you're not worrying about how he's going to react to every non-event

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 25/09/2021 08:51

It's not you it is him.
I am pregnant with no existing childrenand am bloody knackered. He is at home all day every day while kids are in school and given he is not working has a lot of downtime.

Totally unreasonable behaviour on his part.

Is this unusual behaviour for him or fairly normal. If my DH did this id think tjere was something very wrong and he try to talk to him. If my not nice and not caring manbaby BIL did this i would silently scream "honestly he is awful...why dont you leave him??? You dont need to live like this!!!" While patiently trying to encourage internal realisation in my DS.

whereislittleroo · 25/09/2021 08:52

He's an arsehole. Go on the holiday by yourself and when you come home LTB.

IM0GEN · 25/09/2021 08:53

He doesn’t want to go away alone on holiday with you and he’s trying to make it your fault. Do you have any reason to think he might be having an affair ?