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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand what I have done?

296 replies

TheWeekDay · 25/09/2021 08:32

Due to go on holiday with DH today. GPs to look after the DC so we can have a bit of time together. Things have been tough recently so much needed.

Yesterday DC was sent home from preschool in the morning as unwell (not covid symptoms). DH is at home as has been off sick with stress for 3 months so picked DC up.

I came home from work and said I’d look after DC for a couple of hours in the afternoon and do the work I needed to do in the evening, so he could go for a run and do some of his other hobby.

He say it wasn’t for me to say how much time he got. He needed more than a couple of hours.

I’m pregnant, tired, struggling with morning sickness, working FT in the office. Any work I didn’t do in the day I would have to do in the evening.

So off he went for 4 hours. I then had to work till past midnight. I’m not sure that’s ok, but maybe because of his stress he can’t cope.

What I’m really upset about though is that he’s now refusing to come on holiday because, he says, of how I have behaved. He’s accused me of bullying him. I’m completely confused. I came home from work to give him a break. I haven’t had a break at all.

I just don’t understand what I have done. AIBU?

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 25/09/2021 11:02

I’m glad you’re going, hope the time to think helps. This relationship sounds extremely one way. I’m pregnant and working full time and my team know I can’t work till midnight to catch up on stuff if kids get in the way as I’m not physically up to it. If my dh expected me to do this to take the load off him and still didn’t appreciate me id be very unimpressed.

TempleofZoom · 25/09/2021 11:02

@ironorchids

This is textbook gaslighting.

You haven't done anything wrong.

He's set up a situation where he's acted selfishly and treated you badly then manufactured a way that HE is somehow the victim, so that YOU feel guilty.

It's straight from the emotional abusers handbook, very stereotypical and clear.

It's gaslighting plain and simple.

This. Heis controlling and abusive. He wants to make sure you dont question his selfishness. The answer is that you havent done anything wrong
BreatheAndFocus · 25/09/2021 11:04

He sounds absolutely horrible! The word that comes to me is ‘entitled’. He’s been at home with stress and been able to do whatever he wants, and now he had the annoyance of an ill DC. He won’t have registered the fact you came home early from work at all. All he will have been thinking is how hard done by he is - even though you are the one working and pregnant.

There’s no reasoning with people like this. They genuinely believe their own lies. They’re also extremely cunning about controlling the narrative in order to make it seem like it’s you who’s the problem. He’s already done this with his parents but I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s dropped some hints elsewhere too. Turning things round to make you out to be the problem is their speciality. They will literally reverse things. They have no shame.

While you’re away, think very carefully about your future. Think over all the things he’s said and done. Try to be objective and forensic. You need to think while you still can because living like this messes with your head.

endofagain · 25/09/2021 11:05

I have been through some terrible trauma, probably have ptsd, have developed chronic, debilitating illness because of it. Not once have I been horrid to my partner or family because of it. Stress, depression, whatever is not an excuse to be controlling and manipulative.

ThorsLeftNut · 25/09/2021 11:10

Is he always so selfish?

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 25/09/2021 11:13

Sheesh what is wrong with all these men children on here this week Angry

Go and have a relaxing time on your own op and put him out of your mind.

Think about what you want and what is making you unhappy etc.

When you get back tel him there will be a conversation happening between you where you BOTH get to air what's bugging you and go from there.

And seriously I would call him out on his really shitty behaviour. Hmm

MolkosTeenageAngst · 25/09/2021 11:14

Good for you. I think leaving him and PIL to it is the right call. Your DH sounds like a dick. Being unwell with stress should not give anybody carte Blanche to be an arsehole, but if somebody is already an arsehole in my experience they will use poor mental health as an excuse to try and get away with dickish behaviour by using their illness to try and absolve themselves of all responsibility.

In all honestly, is staying with him making life better for you or your DC or would it be easier without him because it’s not really clear what he is bringing to the relationship from your posts.

cookingisoverrated · 25/09/2021 11:18

He's gaslighting you AND pre-emptively making it look like you are struggling with his parents.

The only struggle you have is dealing with a gaslighting bully who isn't pulling his weight at home while he's off work and you're pregnant and still working and have a little one.

I'd spend your time away looking into what you'd be entitled to on your own and figuring out how to get him out of your life, tbh.

MrsOvertonsWindow · 25/09/2021 11:21

Well done OP for going away for break. Enjoy some time away and hopefully spend a bit of time thinking about what you want. Only yo will know the reality of your relationship but the Lundy Bancroft books re good reading and at face value, your OH isn't coming out of this looking good.
Enjoy your weekend and treat yourself. Flowers

DomPom47 · 25/09/2021 11:21

@latte101

He's an arsehole.

He is bullying you.

Go without him.

Totally agree with this. He sounds like the bully rather than you.
Happylittlethoughts · 25/09/2021 11:23

God, there's a rash of women on here today with absolute aresholes as life partners.
He sounds insufferable. Please evaluate your situation.

LavenderAskew · 25/09/2021 11:25

"The stress is apparently related to workload. Tbh I don’t think he has that much to do and it’s more that he doesn’t like being told what to do. The length of time is because he is waiting for a particular project to be completed."

This makes it sound like he's not stressed, just avoiding work and claiming stress to get time off. Just like he was avoiding looking after his own child when they weren't in school anymore.

creativevoid · 25/09/2021 11:25

Just to add, my ex also made out to everyone else that the problem was me, including to my own family! I had no idea until later. But to really be free you need to let go of worrying about what other people think of you, because this is a way for him to control you. Controlling and manipulative men like to control the narrative and it is very hard if you are a fundamentally honest person to fight this. I fought it by just not engaging. I am sure my ex-H's mum thinks he is the wronged party - I have to accept that. But I don't care. I am free. I am mentioning this because if you do decide you need to leave, trying to also get people on side who will never be on side (like his family and friends) is going to be too much to deal with in addition to everything else you will face.

Notaroadrunner · 25/09/2021 11:27

@CrazyCatLover

Good on you. Have a lovely weekend and lots of wine 🍷
She's pregnant so don't think that's a good idea. She could also be a recovering alcoholic for all we know. It really bugs me when people suggest drinking alcohol as a solution to a person's problem.

@TheWeekDay your dh may have a MH problem but that does not give him the right to be a fucking prick and treat you like shit. Have your holiday. When you get back I'd be having a word with his parents about the way he treats you and how he has pushed blame on you. Whether they believe you or not, you can't control, but I wouldn't have them thinking that you're the unsupportive one in your messed up relationship. While it's daunting to think of separating, I do think you should consider it seriously as you really don't need to put up with that horrible man.

PostingForTheFirstTime · 25/09/2021 11:28

My guess would be, he's seeing someone else.

BillMasen · 25/09/2021 11:30

@PostingForTheFirstTime

My guess would be, he's seeing someone else.
Here we go again…
RoSEbuds6 · 25/09/2021 11:31

he sounds awful OP, sorry.

HatsOnHatsOff · 25/09/2021 11:33

DARVO do not fall for it. Playing the victim is the oldest trick in the book. He might even beleive it himself. But if you've done nothing wrong, you've done nothing wrong. Remember that.

Tistheseason17 · 25/09/2021 11:33

Have a lovely break and time to think.

Skysblue · 25/09/2021 11:33

I’m so sorry OP. 💐 The way he treated you was awful. Telling a pregnant woman to work past midnight so he can do a hobby? 😭

The creepiest part of it is how he’s blaming and gaslighting you.

This is an emotionally abusive relationship and either het gets some counselling and learns not how to be a dick and to accept some responsibility for his behavior or the relationship will slowly get worse and worse.

If I were you I would start working out how to bring the relationship to an end. He’s going to be a horrific Dad once the kids start thinking for themselves and answering back.

Patapouf · 25/09/2021 11:34

He's a cunt.

Go on holiday without him and make plans to LTB. What a selfish whopper he is

Oakmaiden · 25/09/2021 11:36

I was going to suggest that maybe the thought of the holiday was making him really anxious and that this was a way to avoid having to go.

But after your latest update it seems that he is just a dick.

Knittedfairies · 25/09/2021 11:37

Well done for calling his bluff and going without him; use the time alone to have a think about your situation.

Choux · 25/09/2021 11:38

Have a lovely break OP. Catch up on sleep and treat yourself to your favourite foods and tv even if the weather / surroundings aren't ideal for you.

I wonder if the way he talks to you is how he talks to his manager / colleagues? Does he tell them they are the problem and he would perform better if they showed him more respect and stopped telling him about the flaws in his work / behaviour? I can imagine that.