To not understand what I have done?

[TheWeekDay]

Due to go on holiday with DH today. GPs to look after the DC so we can have a bit of time together. Things have been tough recently so much needed.

Yesterday DC was sent home from preschool in the morning as unwell (not covid symptoms). DH is at home as has been off sick with stress for 3 months so picked DC up.

I came home from work and said I’d look after DC for a couple of hours in the afternoon and do the work I needed to do in the evening, so he could go for a run and do some of his other hobby.

He say it wasn’t for me to say how much time he got. He needed more than a couple of hours.

I’m pregnant, tired, struggling with morning sickness, working FT in the office. Any work I didn’t do in the day I would have to do in the evening.

So off he went for 4 hours. I then had to work till past midnight. I’m not sure that’s ok, but maybe because of his stress he can’t cope.

What I’m really upset about though is that he’s now refusing to come on holiday because, he says, of how I have behaved. He’s accused me of bullying him. I’m completely confused. I came home from work to give him a break. I haven’t had a break at all.

I just don’t understand what I have done. AIBU?

[Etonmessisyum]

He sounds a bit of a tool op. What has he done all week whilst you’ve been at work, in the morning before he had to do pick up? Is that not ‘his’ time.

Anyway I’m glad you went away without him.
He sounds quite unpleasant tbh. I hope you. Can try to enjoy your holiday, relax and do whatever you want. It’s quite telling it’s to a place he wants to go to.
Take care op

[DancesWithTortoises]

He's a selfish controlling cunt, OP. Is this how you want your life to be?

Better on your own.

[Muchmorethan]

Being "stressed" and "depressed" seems to be an excuse to be a nasty twat.

I really think you are doing more then enough! It sounds like he has more than enough time alone to do his hobbies if the DC are in childcare.

I really think you should re-evaluate your own position, if you fall ill who would support you....

[me4real]

He is kind of controlling and narcissistic. Everything has to be as he wants it because he's the all important person.

What you did 'wrong' was not to know your place in the heirarchy where his needs are at the top/all that matters as far as he's concerned.

For sure LTB and have as little to do with the family as possible too, as he has them brainwashed.

[Ashitaka]

@TheChiefJo

So you came home early from work to relieve him of childcare duties, meaning you'd need to work into the night and he said 'that's not enough'?

Take the break on your own and have a think about that relationship.

Yesterday DC was sent home from preschool in the morning as unwell (not covid symptoms). DH is at home as has been off sick with stress for 3 months so picked DC up.

I came home from work and said I’d look after DC for a couple of hours in the afternoon and do the work I needed to do in the evening, so he could go for a run and do some of his other hobby.

He say it wasn’t for me to say how much time he got. He needed more than a couple of hours.

He HAD his couple of hours to do his own shit in all the hours you are out and his fucking child is at nursery!!

He is an arsehole!!!

[Wildheartsease]

Have a relaxing time and treat yourself OP.
Be your own best holiday companion!

[SnarkyMilarky]

Somethings up. I’d be keeping a close eye on your DH.

[DamnUserName21]

What's he doing when the kids are at school and you're at work? Why does he get en extra four hours free time whilst you look after the kids (after a day at work) and work until midnight? Plus being pregnant.

That he caused a fight and is gaslighting you is just the tip of the iceberg.

[unlikelytobe]

Controlling and manipulative men like to control the narrative and it is very hard if you are a fundamentally honest person to fight this

This is so true. I think some men are just so full of their own self importance and pride that anything less than being to deferred to constantly and treated like a king won't do. Only you know if you accidentally married a toxic ego.

Consider your options very carefully and gather your support, his family is already being sold BS about you.

[DamnUserName21]

Just saw update. Have a lovely break. Don't be pressured into coming back early or having him attend.
I'd seriously re-think the relationship whilst away.

[Pantsomime]

If you managed to get out of the house into the taxi be prepared for some kind of manufactured disaster to bring you back. I hope I’m wrong and you can have some space to think and work out what you want. There is a spare place- can you get a pal to go with you and keep you strong

[Littlebluebird123]

I haven't rtft but I did read that you've at least decided to go away yourself which I think is a good idea.

A couple of years ago my DH had a breakdown due to stress. He went from being thoughtful, kind, loving and a true partner to someone I had to walk on eggshells with. It took him a year before I could even suggest that it was hard for me too. However, even in that state, I had to work full time so he had to take up more childcare and household duties. (I'd been a SAHM). He did. I couldn't share any stress I had, or suggest anything in that first year because he became very angry. However, he was getting help and it took that time for it to work. After that year we made a few other changes in our lives and he's doing better. He's still got things to work through as he doesn't have great stress management measures but he's working on it.

The reason I share this is that, it was a long process but I knew it was worth it as he was making every effort to make the changes necessary. I don't see how it can work if he won't work on things his end.

If he is making steps to improve things then he may well be finding the other things tricky and overwhelming even if they don't seem that bad to you. That's the extremely frustrating part of dealing with someone who is struggling with their mental health. E.g. if the person had broken their leg but was doing the exercises to strengthen it and that's all they could manage, you wouldn't then demand they walk to the shops because you'd run out of milk. You know it wouldn't help. You'd need to ask others to help instead.

If he is doing nothing to sort himself out, it's a different problem which needs addressing as that's absolutely NOT ok!

Hope you have a restful holiday and are able to speak with him, his parents to get more support.

[snowblack]

"The stress is apparently related to workload. Tbh I don’t think he has that much to do and it’s more that he doesn’t like being told what to do. The length of time is because he is waiting for a particular project to be completed."

So in other words just avoiding work, both at work and at home. Why would you want to be with such a lazy arse. And who pays for him staying at home doing his ’hobbies’?

[Adelais]

Who is looking after the kids while you go away? Are his parents still looking after them even though he’s not going? I’d be suspicious that he’s planned this on purpose to get even more time to himself or he’s up to no good.
He sounds an awful selfish husband, stress is no excuse.

[movpov]

Glad to hear you are going away on your own OP, sounds as though you need a break from him more than anything else - in all likelihood, if he had changed his mind about going away this morning it would not have been a relaxing break for you. Out of curiosity, what's his reaction to you going anyway? I'm guessing he expected you to cancel, or beg him to reconsider. Don't let him change your mind or say he will join you later - just take the chance for a bit of rest and peace, you won't get it if he joins you.

I agree with pp that he's setting up his parents to believe you're the unreasonable one here - the 'poor me, look what I'm having to put up with when I'm not well' syndrome. What you've said about his workload and why he's off work also leads me to question whether he actually is genuinely 'stressed' or whether he's just using that as an excuse to opt out of doing something he doesn't want to, or doing his fair share at home and treating you with care and respect.

I don't buy what some people have said about stress being at the root cause of his behaviour; stress doesn't turn you into an obnoxious manchild if you're not one already. What was he like before this - loving and caring, or always a bit like this? You said this isn't a one off which suggests it's not a sudden thing, and his comment about supporting you if you respect him more is very telling - he's making it your fault.

Sorry to say I doubt he will change, but you're vulnerable right now so be careful of your response to this. A bit of time away from him could do you the world of good, and allow you to think clearly about what you want going forward. Good luck

[diddl]

"When I ask for more support I’m told that I am the problem and I would get more support if I treated him with more respect."

If that wasn't the reason though, it would be something else.

Do you respect him?

It doesn't sound like it as you think that he's skiving from work.

So if you don't respect him & he makes your life harder, what's the point?

[Slayduggee]

Is your DH getting any help to improve his stress levels? Or is he refusing to get any help?

No more favours for him. Stay at work until your work is done.

If he is a selfish twat I bet that as soon as baby arrives he will go back to work and then refuse to do any parenting or housework as he is at work M-F and needs a break. Funnily enough when you were working you didn’t deserve a break!

When does his company sick pay run out. I bet as soon as it does he will be back at work.

Speak to your parents and let them know that you have zero support from DH. Have your baby and take your maternity leave. Do not give up your job. Use your mat leave to see a solicitor and get your ducks in a row should you need to leave him. Abuse often starts in pregnancy.

[BedTed]

Huge well done for going on the holiday, he would have been expecting you to toe the line and not go.
Expect now you’ve had your eyes opened to see everything clearly and differently and it’s ok to have realisations that you missed before, it isn’t you it’s him. He did this.

[GoodnightGrandma]

Sounds to me like he’s trying to get out of the relationship. Like he’s pushing you to break up with him.

[Namechanger0800]

He sounds awful - is he getting any help for this alleged stress? Glad you are still getting away and hope you manage a lovely rest and some calm thinking time.

[Chloemol]

You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s a control thing

Go on holiday without him

[CambsAlways]

I really feel for you, he’s being a selfish arse, when do you get to have a rest for 4 hours

[Closetbeanmuncher]

I'm glad you're still having a break, and if he wants to stay at home and sulk so be it. I don't really see why he's not looking after his own DC while you're away.

I feel like I’m constantly trying to keep him happy and falling short. When I ask for more support I’m told that I am the problem and I would get more support if I treated him with more respect

This is a massive red flag to me alongside the 'doesn't like being told what to do'. You're effectively running your self into the ground to enable his frankly bratty behaviour.

My ex was like this alongside other choice bits and pieces. Whatever you do will never be enough, trust me.

I would have a really good think on this marriage while you have some alone time. It sounds very miserable and one sided.

Enjoy your break x

[GatoradeMeBitch]

If he's anything like other men who follow this playbook, he'll be thrilled that you left. Because he now has an amazing thing to use for his guilt trips. You "abandoned" him and the dc's to go on holiday, what a selfish woman. He'll have his parents fully on board with his narrative too.

Consider an alternative future.

[MummyofTw0]

He sounds like a child. Good thing for calling his bluff xxx