To not understand what I have done?

[TheWeekDay]

Due to go on holiday with DH today. GPs to look after the DC so we can have a bit of time together. Things have been tough recently so much needed.

Yesterday DC was sent home from preschool in the morning as unwell (not covid symptoms). DH is at home as has been off sick with stress for 3 months so picked DC up.

I came home from work and said I’d look after DC for a couple of hours in the afternoon and do the work I needed to do in the evening, so he could go for a run and do some of his other hobby.

He say it wasn’t for me to say how much time he got. He needed more than a couple of hours.

I’m pregnant, tired, struggling with morning sickness, working FT in the office. Any work I didn’t do in the day I would have to do in the evening.

So off he went for 4 hours. I then had to work till past midnight. I’m not sure that’s ok, but maybe because of his stress he can’t cope.

What I’m really upset about though is that he’s now refusing to come on holiday because, he says, of how I have behaved. He’s accused me of bullying him. I’m completely confused. I came home from work to give him a break. I haven’t had a break at all.

I just don’t understand what I have done. AIBU?

[hamstersarse]

3 months off for stress is pretty significant…what has happened there? Something extremely serious must have happened?

Besides that though, I’d quickly lose respect for a grown adult behaving like this to a supposed loved one. ‘World revolving around them’ syndrome and ‘everybody else’s fault-itus’….it’s not a pretty look whatever your mental state and there’s be a three strikes rule for me.

But obviously you are pregnant, so there’s no way you could leave, really, so I’d be thinking about ways in which to make the best out of a hideous situation and the first thing would be to go on the trip and sleep, eat, relax….without the drag of your supposed husband

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

But obviously you are pregnant, so there’s no way you could leave, really, so I’d be thinking about ways in which to make the best out of a hideous situation and the first thing would be to go on the trip and sleep, eat, relax….without the drag of your supposed husband

People DO separate when they’re pregnant. They manage it somehow especially if they have emotional and practical support from family. OP, have you suggested to him that he stays with family for a while? If he finds childcare so difficult and stressful then I’m sure if that was possible then he’d jump at the chance.

[Youdoyoutoday]

So he sits about all morning doing nothing, get his sick kid from school but now needs to go for a run and you're the dick for giving him a couple of hours to do so even though you're pregnant, working FT and still have actual proper paid work to do???

I'd be going on that holiday by myself today!

[DrinkFeckArseBrick]

Oh OP this is horrible. I think the fact you're even questioning this, shows how much of a number he has done on you. I'm not surprised you say things havent been good if this is what he is like.

If he is off sick with stress, assuming its work related stress and not caused by a very recent bereavement or something, then he is perfectly capable of looking after a child, and if you're working and a child is off sick then for the vast majority of couples it would be the default that he would look after the child. If one person is working and the other is off with work related stress, unless the person with stress is acutely unwell and is struggling to get out of bed then I can't see many other pregnant women giving up their time and working late just so their husband can have a few hours to himself.

I am angry on your behalf. The normal response to your offer would be 'oh no you're pregnant, you shouldn't be working late just so I can do my hobby, I'll do it another time' or 'thanks so much, I'll be as quick as I can so you don't have to work too late tonight'.

He is acting with a huge sense of entitlement, that somehow assumes that its solely your job to look after your toddler even though you're working and he is not, and that when you offer him some time off it's not you doing him a favour, it's you being horrible for assuming that he would at least help for a few hours after this.

And not coming on holiday is such a massive over reaction and effectively trying to punish you for assuming he would look after his own child, so that you never do so again and learn to know your place.

He sounds nasty. Everything about him, from what you've said, sounds just nasty.

[ChargingBuck]

What I’m really upset about though is that he’s now refusing to come on holiday because, he says, of how I have behaved. He’s accused me of bullying him. I’m completely confused. I came home from work to give him a break. I haven’t had a break at all.

That is so unfair, entitled & upsetting, you must be reeling OP.

Listen up - you are exhausted.
You have GC ready to look after the DC.
I suggest you take DH at his word, leave him behind & go & have the break you so desperately need.

A weekend of not looking after anyone else, eating delicious food someone else had cooked, & sleeping whenever you feel like it, will do you the power of good.

It will also give you some valuable thinking time.
If DH has been at home for 3 months, has he taken on the lion's share of the domestic drudge & mental load?
What psych. work has he been doing to get himself feeling better?
What is his plan for returning to work, & how far in the future will that be?
Does he have form for being unreasonable & demanding?
Are the GC you mention your folks or his?
What do your own folks think of your DH?

Look after yourself OP, & don't find excuses to deny yourself this trip.
I have a sneaking suspicion he won;t "allow" you to go alone ... but seriously, if you are not afraid of him, fuck him off, & take that break. You seriously need some rest & some thinking space xx

[TheWeekDay]

Thank you all for replying. I didn’t think anyone would.

To answer a few questions:

• I’d be very surprised about an affair, but can’t rule if out as I am out of the house most days.
  

• The stress is apparently related to workload. Tbh I don’t think he has that much to do and it’s more that he doesn’t like being told what to do. The length of time is because he is waiting for a particular project to be completed.
  

• I hadn’t really put all the pieces together before but this is not a one off (although with the holiday possibly the worst example). I feel like I’m constantly trying to keep him happy and falling short. When I ask for more support I’m told that I am the problem and I would get more support if I treated him with more respect.
  

-I’m going on the holiday by myself and am just waiting for a taxi. Annoyingly its to a place DH really wanted to go and I’m not that bothered about but I think some time to think will be good.

• It’s his parents who are to look after the DC. When I tried to talk to them about how DH was struggling with stress they said he had already spoken to them about how I was struggling and they won’t listen to me at all. So I’m just going to leave DH and them to it.
  

Thank you again for the support. I am realising that whilst I’m not perfect I’m not being treated right. I doubt myself so much so its so nice to have this sounding board.

[AFuturisticalSound]

Glad to hear that you're going without him, have a good think about whether you want to continue living like that.

[Nonicknamesforcatapillars]

Glad to hear you’re going OP.

He sounds like way more hassle than he’s worth. You deserve a break and some peace and quiet from that idiot.

[thelastgoldeneagle]

He sounds like a selfish petulant arse with no consideration for you.

You're not the bully here, op. Enjoy your break and the time apart. Sounds like you need it. Doesn't sound like dh is adding much to your life.

What does he do when he's home with stress, apart from his hobbies? His share of the cooking, housework, looking after dc? Or not?

[hiptobeasquare]

“Glad to hear that you're going without him, have a good think about whether you want to continue living like that.”

This! Take time to think about whether you want this kind of life for yourself OP.

[CurlyhairedAssassin]

I feel like I’m constantly trying to keep him happy and falling short. When I ask for more support I’m told that I am the problem and I would get more support if I treated him with more respect.

Huge red flags, here, OP. You take care. Enjoy the break. Have a really good think about whether you think this is how you want to live the rest of your life.

[Sn0tnose]

I hope you manage to get some rest and clear your head a bit. When you’re there and settled, I’d be inclined to pick up a pad and pen somewhere, sit down and start thinking about how often this sort of behaviour happens. It’s not normal, it’s not healthy and it’s not right. Perhaps this break is exactly what you need to give you the time and space to identify exactly what you’re dealing with and what you want your future to look like.

[Calmdown14]

I'm sorry but the more you write the worse he sounds.
Good for you for going on holiday without him.
I did strike me that he is perhaps trying to get you to leave him so he doesn't look the bad guy. What you say about his parents somewhat supports this.
Take time to think but don't be afraid to call him out on this behaviour. Put the question 'would you be happier alone' to him and see what he says. Do not let him have the 'she walked out on me when I was ill' narrative.
Don't hide what is happening from your friends and family. You will need them.
You sound strong and amazing. Don't lose sight of you

[Tomnooktoldmeto]

Sounds like his parents are enabling him, what are the positives of this relationship? I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s trying for an out but gaslighting you and everyone else into believing you’re the problem not him

[CanICelebrate]

You’ve done nothing wrong and your husband sounds like an arsehole.
Enjoy your holiday and seriously consider whether you want to stay with someone who makes you feel this shit xx

[BillMasen]

@Bluntness100

Op you’ve done nothing but the key thing is he’s been off work with stress for three months, he’s mentally unwell, that will be the root cause of his behaviour

Is he getting help?

This. He’s not being very nice but I’d guess this is the reason. This thread is a very harsh reaction to someone struggling

[pinkgin85]

I've struggled with poor mental health but the last thing I would do is be horrible to my DH, I was always really appreciative of everything he did to help me get through it.

OP you deserve better, I don't think I could forgive him ruining this holiday.

[HugeAckmansWife]

Well done for going and recognising that he and his parents can muddle through with the childcare as they see fit. Lots of women in your situation would have decided they couldn't possibly leave in case dd wasn't cared for in the exact way they would plan it, and the father (no doubt employing strategic incompetence) would play up to that. Go and get some space and think about how you want to go forward. Single parenting is tough but with good planning its perfectly possible and certain preferable to joint parenting with a selfish bully.

[diddl]

So are his parents still looking after the kids?

I mean if he didn't fancy the holiday he could just have said!

Not surprised it's not a one off Op-that level of selfishness/pettiness doesn't usuall just appear out of thin air I wouldn't have thought!

I mean demanding 4hrs to do something when it means someone else will be working late into the evening is really nasty.

[JasonMomoasgirlfriend]

You are being treated like shit. The fact his parents think it's the other way about speaks volumes.

I'd leave him, personally.

[SecretDoor]

Whilst you are away ponder what he brings to your life. If you are constantly feeling like you are failing to make him happy it must be completely exhausting. Are you treading on eggshells?
Also reflect what he does to make you feel happy and appreciated.

[Neonplant]

His reaction to you seems connected to what you say about the 'stress' and him not liking being told what to do. Has he always been like this?

It feels a bit buch for you to give up your afternoon at work so you have yo work late for him to strop about you supposedly calling the shots on how long he can be off doing his hobby for. Especially as I assume he has time for this when DC are in school or childcare and you're working, when he'd normally be at work?

I know it's very hard to tell and I have mental health issues myself so I do think they are real, but is it actually stress / mental health issues? Or does he just want a rest and is a bit of a dick?

[PegasusReturns]

He’s behaving appallingly.

Enjoy your holiday.

[ShuddaBeenMe]

Have a good holiday and a good think.

[Taiyo]

That just sounds exhausting. I really feel for you.

Could you suggest he moves in with his parents for a bit so you can have a break?

I suspect you would find life A LOT easier without him. Some space may be helpful for you.