To not understand what I have done?

[TheWeekDay]

Due to go on holiday with DH today. GPs to look after the DC so we can have a bit of time together. Things have been tough recently so much needed.

Yesterday DC was sent home from preschool in the morning as unwell (not covid symptoms). DH is at home as has been off sick with stress for 3 months so picked DC up.

I came home from work and said I’d look after DC for a couple of hours in the afternoon and do the work I needed to do in the evening, so he could go for a run and do some of his other hobby.

He say it wasn’t for me to say how much time he got. He needed more than a couple of hours.

I’m pregnant, tired, struggling with morning sickness, working FT in the office. Any work I didn’t do in the day I would have to do in the evening.

So off he went for 4 hours. I then had to work till past midnight. I’m not sure that’s ok, but maybe because of his stress he can’t cope.

What I’m really upset about though is that he’s now refusing to come on holiday because, he says, of how I have behaved. He’s accused me of bullying him. I’m completely confused. I came home from work to give him a break. I haven’t had a break at all.

I just don’t understand what I have done. AIBU?

This is textbook gaslighting.

You haven't done anything wrong.

He's set up a situation where he's acted selfishly and treated you badly then manufactured a way that HE is somehow the victim, so that YOU feel guilty.

It's straight from the emotional abusers handbook, very stereotypical and clear.

It's gaslighting plain and simple.

Go without him.

He needs to give his head a wobble.

Go without him! I recently did a solo trip and honestly it was so relaxing not having DH there

What I’m really upset about though is that he’s now refusing to come on holiday because, he says, of how I have behaved. He’s accused me of bullying him. I’m completely confused. I came home from work to give him a break. I haven’t had a break at all.

How you behaved! You couldn’t have been more considerate in coming home from work to give him a break. Why did he need a break from looking after his sick child? It wouldn’t be so bad if you could have just taken the time off but you had to take the afternoon’s work home. A considerate DH would have just gone out for his run and come straight back and foregone his other hobby for one day. Seems like he was punishing you by staying out for 4 hours. He’s now behaving like a petulant spoilt child. Accusing you of bullying when he is in the wrong. Don’t really know what to suggest about the holiday. If you can find someone else to go with, I would!

Op you’ve done nothing but the key thing is he’s been off work with stress for three months, he’s mentally unwell, that will be the root cause of his behaviour

Is he getting help?

Oh…this doesn’t sound like a great relationship, stress or no stress

What has caused his stress that’s made him be off for months leaving you to carry the can and be his mother? Was his job genuinely hugely stressful? Caused him PTSD etc? Does he have other health issues?

Look, another baby is just going to add to any stress levels he’s feeling. I can’t see the situation getting any better if even at this point he is blaming you for everything and being so selfish. Genuinely Stressed people can act like dicks momentarily but will usually then apologise. He just sounds like he acts like a dick.

I’m not sure I could be dealing with that type of behaviour, OP. It’s YOU who has the stressful life at the moment, not him.

Not to be awful but this post is painting him as a bit of a dick. I couldn't be doing with that especially while pregnant.

Why are you expected to do everything and make yourself unwell working to silly o'clock and no doubt rising early with the kids to get them sorted? You're going to get unwell yourself.

He honestly sounds like a prick. Go on holiday without him, I'm sure you won't miss him with the way he's carrying on. Then you need to have a big chat about his responsibility in the home

Sounds like an arsehole.

Go on holiday without him. Relax.

Dread to imagine how he will be punishing your dc when he thinks he can treat an adult this way.
Ltb. Take the dc away and leave him to his plentiful freer time.

I think you also need to start standing up for yourself so that YOUR needs are met. There’s not a lot of info but just from that post it sounds like you put his needs first all the time. It does sound like it verges on an abusive relationship to be honest, with a bit of gaslighting. You did NOT bully him. Don’t even think that you did anything like that.

You haven’t done anything wrong at all. He doesn’t want to go and he’s trying to make you think it’s your fault. DARVO (Deny, Attack and Reverse Victim & Offender) is at play here. He’s behaved badly and now he’s making out that you’re a bully and he’s your victim. Only you will know whether this is typical behaviour for him, or if it’s completely out of character. If it is unusual, there is likely to be something else going on, whether that’s a deterioration in his mental health (depression can be a very selfish illness sometimes) or something/someone else.

I wonder how he’d react if you told him that you were still going and as he was insisting on staying at home, you’d tell the GPS that they were no longer needed to babysit? Or, if you don’t feel comfortable with leaving your DC with someone who is behaving oddly, tell him that you won’t go either.

I hope you are going on the holiday without him, OP.

You didn't do anything wrong. He does sound unwell, however. It's the sort of thing that someone who is stressed to the point of being unable to function properly would say as only able to see things from their narrow perspective (been there myself). Or he's an entitled so and so.

I'd go in my own in your shoes. You need a break. It might be better without him.

Can one of your friends or family join you if you go alone?

@TheWeekDay he is being a dick.

Who treats their pregnant partner like that?!!

What was he doing for 4 hours? I think that is very relevant here.

Hope you’re okay x

My ex did that type of thing said he had MH issues for the first time and took time off work just before he left and eventually moved in with OW (he knew and nothing happened until happened before he left🤔) he transferred then blamed and bullied me along with his recruits.

Protect yourself and the children.

He say it wasn’t for me to say how much time he got. He needed more than a couple of hours.

But he wouldn’t have had any choice at all in the matter if you hadn’t come home early. Of COURSE it was for you to say how much time he got, because that was the amount of time that you didn’t spend at work.. I mean, what would he have expected to do if you had a job where you have to stay for your full shift, like most people? You could tell him to get his 4 hours off or whatever he wants once the childcare/other household responsibilities are done for the night. It just sounds like he doesn’t want to do anything for anyone else.

I know depression can make people very selfish but you can’t just expect everyone else to carry the can for you where children are concerned. You just have to carry on for their sake. Get your down time after you know they’re sorted.

Whose parents are the grandparents who offered to look after DC while you went away? Yours or his? What do they think about the situation?

What you have done is hook yourself up with a controlling, bullying arse.

Take the kids the GP’s as planned.
Go away on your own.

WTF?? Go and enjoy your holiday without him, he’s so far from being reasonable!

I would gladly go on holiday alone and spend the time relaxing and thinking about whether I wanted to stay with a bully.

He’s not sounding a great catch, leave him go away for a break by yourself.

@IM0GEN

He doesn’t want to go away alone on holiday with you and he’s trying to make it your fault. Do you have any reason to think he might be having an affair ?

This crossed my mind too - the grumpiness, unreasonableness, irritability and wanting to be away from you/the children could be a sign of an affair.

Either way, he sounds awful. 3 months off work with stress and not willing to look after a child off sick from school is an absolute joke.

You haven’t done anything wrong, at all. But my reaction would be based on whether this is out of character for him, and just an OTT reaction because he’s very unwell, or whether this is pretty standard for him. Which one is it?

Finally, I’ll just say that at first I thought he had an anxiety issue about leaving the house, and maybe it was a fear thing about the holiday making him not wanting to go. But if he’s happy to bugger off out for the afternoon that suggests otherwise, doesn’t it? he appears to resent you for some reason. Someone who was genuinely stressed and needing a break who was happy with their partner & family situation would jump at the chance to have a little holiday without the kids just focusing on their partner and having fun.

Something’s not right here. Sorry to say this but are you sure the stress isn’t being caused by him not wanting to be with you and he just doesn’t know how to end it, especially with another baby on the way? I knew of a couple with 2 small children - the dad left stating that he “couldn’t cope with family life.” I was only about 9 or 10 myself at the time and it really stuck in my mind even at that age. It’s a cop out reason, designed to make others feel sorry for them as a “weaker”person unable to deal with the stresses of having a young family. I would have had more respect for him if he’d just said that he wasn’t happy in the marriage and wanted a divorce and was sorry for being an arsehole.

Yet another person using poor mental health to be an abusive dick.