To not understand what I have done?

[TheWeekDay]

Due to go on holiday with DH today. GPs to look after the DC so we can have a bit of time together. Things have been tough recently so much needed.

Yesterday DC was sent home from preschool in the morning as unwell (not covid symptoms). DH is at home as has been off sick with stress for 3 months so picked DC up.

I came home from work and said I’d look after DC for a couple of hours in the afternoon and do the work I needed to do in the evening, so he could go for a run and do some of his other hobby.

He say it wasn’t for me to say how much time he got. He needed more than a couple of hours.

I’m pregnant, tired, struggling with morning sickness, working FT in the office. Any work I didn’t do in the day I would have to do in the evening.

So off he went for 4 hours. I then had to work till past midnight. I’m not sure that’s ok, but maybe because of his stress he can’t cope.

What I’m really upset about though is that he’s now refusing to come on holiday because, he says, of how I have behaved. He’s accused me of bullying him. I’m completely confused. I came home from work to give him a break. I haven’t had a break at all.

I just don’t understand what I have done. AIBU?

[LightlySearedontheRealityGrill]

Your story is amazing, you have shown incredible strength to get away from this predator. Don't doubt yourself, be proud, strong, and give no inch to him. These types of abusers will take and take until there is nothing left. Better the money goes to lawyers to protect you, than him. Grey rock him forever.

[TheWeekDay]

Thanks for all the support and virtual hugs. I really appreciate it.

I’ve had some support from Women’s Aid who were amazing.

The self doubt is so hard to shift but I just need to keep going and it will get better!

[MzHz]

Another one lining up to give you a hug.

well done for being so brave, we know what it took and how hard it is, your living conditions sound awful - for you and the kids.

Keep your eyes on the prize, hold onto the faith that one day all this will be behind you.

[nutbrownhare15]

I wish I could give you a hug. It will all be worth it in the end.

[billy1966]

You poor woman, have you engaged with Womans aid about the abuse you continue to endure?

Well done for initiating a divorce.

I cannot imagine how hard it is.

Life is only going to get better.

Please reach out to Womans aid.

I hope your solicitor is a rottweiler.

[Newestname002]

@TheWeekDay

I just want to say how much I admire your strength on keeping on the right path for yourself even when things are being, intentionally, bring made so tough for you. I can't imagine how hard it must be having to live in the same space as someone who is mentally abusing you but having to still stay strong and work towards a more positive future.

Thank goodness you have supportive family and friends to support you and I'm also sending you a huge virtual hug. Best wishes for the future. 🌹

[pillsthrillsandbellyache]

For Gods sake, I had a feeling they would be blaming you. Focus on your loved ones and again, really easy for me to say, but stay strong. You are making the right choice. Hope you get the housing situation sorted 💐

[TheWeekDay]

I’m really lucky to have some supportive family and friends but the self doubt is still so hard to shake off.

We’re still in the same house for now. He hasn’t spoken to me and won’t even look at me (even in front of the DC) for months. Having to go through court to get finances sorted as he wouldn’t engage at all and is now asking for huge amounts of spousal maintenance…

In relation to his parents - They never talked to me about what happened that week, but they think the divorce is all my fault. His mum also knows he is ignoring me now and has suggested he has selective mutism because of the stress I have put him under. It all just makes it so hard to stay strong but I’m trying my best!

[pillsthrillsandbellyache]

I am so glad you managed to get away @TheWeekDay Do you have support? It's easy for me to say but try and grey rock as much as possible. People will see him for who he is. Build yourself up and live a fantastic life with your children.
I dont know if it was mentioned and im just being nosey but... why did his parents shut you down when you tried talking to them? Surely they knew he was off work and could see you shouldering everything else? Anyway I dont suppose it matters now. I hope you continue to thrive.

[Pussycatbeen]

I just read all your posts and I really admire your strength. It's so hard to keep sight of yourself when you're being gaslit and blamed. I hope it gets better and better for you now.

[HandaPanda]

I'm glad you managed to leave him. He sounds like a manipulative, controlling twat.

[TheWeekDay]

OP here. I just re-read all of the responses to this post and am so grateful for the support I got back then. I did leave him. Took me a while after this, but did it in the end. Going though a horrible divorce where he continues to blame me, call me a bully and an abuser and I’m finding it really hard. I looked up this thread to remind myself it wasn’t all mu fault. Thanks again if anyone who posted sees this!

[stairgates]

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar

You can alway lean into his reading of your relationship. Tell him that he's very unhappy and he shouldn't have to live like that, he would be much happier not being with you. Tell him that you agree that you are not making him happy, he should be free to find a better partner. It might shut down the arguments quicker than trying to make him see reason, because he won't.

This is a good tip! I may use this next time my DH starts playing the victim :)

[BlackAmericanoNoSugar]

You can alway lean into his reading of your relationship. Tell him that he's very unhappy and he shouldn't have to live like that, he would be much happier not being with you. Tell him that you agree that you are not making him happy, he should be free to find a better partner. It might shut down the arguments quicker than trying to make him see reason, because he won't.

[Polkadots2021]

@TheWeekDay

Due to go on holiday with DH today. GPs to look after the DC so we can have a bit of time together. Things have been tough recently so much needed.

Yesterday DC was sent home from preschool in the morning as unwell (not covid symptoms). DH is at home as has been off sick with stress for 3 months so picked DC up.

I came home from work and said I’d look after DC for a couple of hours in the afternoon and do the work I needed to do in the evening, so he could go for a run and do some of his other hobby.

He say it wasn’t for me to say how much time he got. He needed more than a couple of hours.

I’m pregnant, tired, struggling with morning sickness, working FT in the office. Any work I didn’t do in the day I would have to do in the evening.

So off he went for 4 hours. I then had to work till past midnight. I’m not sure that’s ok, but maybe because of his stress he can’t cope.

What I’m really upset about though is that he’s now refusing to come on holiday because, he says, of how I have behaved. He’s accused me of bullying him. I’m completely confused. I came home from work to give him a break. I haven’t had a break at all.

I just don’t understand what I have done. AIBU?

What have you done? Sadly OP, it sounds to me like youve married a self obsessed bully. You're heavily pregnant and working long hours and trying to support him and how he feels throughout, listen, you're an absolute champ. He hit the jackpot with you.

I'd leave him Tbh because he is treating you like a doormat. I'm betting the much needed time together, all ne, is because he's been acting like a twat to you long term.

[MzHz]

Ice cold fury is the most powerful thing, and once the scales fall from your eyes, it’s be best and most productive way to manage the situation

I’d stopped giving a shit about his feelings, he was so on the back foot.

[Alonelonelyloner]

@MzHz what an absolute tool of a man! Nay A TWAT!
Good grief. Your response though is brilliant. You sound so deadpan. I wish I could've been like that.

[BrendaBubbles]

He’s using his mental illness as a stick with which to beat you. It’s not fair and I wouldn’t put up with it.

[MzHz]

@Alonelonelylonersbadidea I’m so sorry you went through that

I had the waking me up to admonish me stuff. Bizarrely (and this is what lead me to the abuse due to weakness thing) I’d really get annoyed and tell him right off and he’d just take it!

I’ll tell you a funny story, you’ll like this one!

At the tail end of the relationship I called him a twat, perhaps not to his face, but he became aware that this is what I thought of him.

He came in late one night and asked to speak to me it was like 2am and I said no, too late I have to sleep etc etc

He asked over and over , please it’s v important

So I got up, went downstairs and sat in the kitchen trying to do that not fully awake thing

He said “I’ve asked you down here to speak to you”

Me: go on

Him: Ive asked you down here to ask you to not call me a twat.

Me: so you woke me up, 2am, got me out of my warm bed into this cold kitchen to ask me NOT to call you a twat. Right oh.

And I got up and left to go back to bed to the sound of him saying “I messed up, didn’t I”

Twat.

[MzHz]

Be strong @TheWeekDay, you got this, we got you (((hug)))

[Alonelonelylonersbadidea]

@MzHz my ex used to beat me for breathing too loud. Or I dared to yawn. When he was denying me sleep.

What you wrote had made me stop short.
I want desperately to say to my abuser what you said to yours.

My God. What evil men.

OP. I am so glad you have seen the solicitor. Stay strong. Xx

[QueenBee52]

@TheWeekDay

Thanks for the continued support everyone. I have seen the solicitor and am setting about getting everything in order.

I keep having wobbles, thinking about the good times. But I’m staying strong.

I’m seeing some friends this weekend so going to try and talk to them about what’s been going on.

great news.. 🌸

[JasonMomoasgirlfriend]

Oh that's good.
Yes I imagine it is hard but keep reading back the posts you put on here.
Your friends I'm sure will be a great support.

Good luck x

[TheWeekDay]

Thanks for the continued support everyone. I have seen the solicitor and am setting about getting everything in order.

I keep having wobbles, thinking about the good times. But I’m staying strong.

I’m seeing some friends this weekend so going to try and talk to them about what’s been going on.

[JasonMomoasgirlfriend]

I agree with pp re. Maternity leave with him around.

How are you doing @TheWeekDay?