To not understand what I have done?

[TheWeekDay]

Due to go on holiday with DH today. GPs to look after the DC so we can have a bit of time together. Things have been tough recently so much needed.

Yesterday DC was sent home from preschool in the morning as unwell (not covid symptoms). DH is at home as has been off sick with stress for 3 months so picked DC up.

I came home from work and said I’d look after DC for a couple of hours in the afternoon and do the work I needed to do in the evening, so he could go for a run and do some of his other hobby.

He say it wasn’t for me to say how much time he got. He needed more than a couple of hours.

I’m pregnant, tired, struggling with morning sickness, working FT in the office. Any work I didn’t do in the day I would have to do in the evening.

So off he went for 4 hours. I then had to work till past midnight. I’m not sure that’s ok, but maybe because of his stress he can’t cope.

What I’m really upset about though is that he’s now refusing to come on holiday because, he says, of how I have behaved. He’s accused me of bullying him. I’m completely confused. I came home from work to give him a break. I haven’t had a break at all.

I just don’t understand what I have done. AIBU?

@billy1966

He is the abusive bullying one.

And he knows it.

See the solicitor.

Start disengaging.

Make NO effort to initiate conversation.

Get your finances organised.

THEN tell him he clearly isn't happy and that a divorce is best for both.

He is highly abusive.

Stop wasting time examining your behaviour.

You know well that you have done your best.

Time to be brave and admit your marriage is over.

He is not going to change.

Don't waste anymore of your life on a bad man.

Keep posting.

Don't say a word to his parents.

Darned right .... 🎉

I tried to initiate a conversation about the way forward but got shut down and told he can't let me behave like this, that he just wants to live his life and I am constantly turning on him and "abusing" him.

This is really classic abusive manipulation. For me, the key was getting really granular on what is happening in the conversation. You'll find that there's a huge amount of hidden manipulation.

Like when you ask a direct question about something he's done that's problematic (eg "So, I came home to give you time off, which you had four hours of. But I didn't get any time off, despite the fact that I'm pregnant. How is that fair?") he'll not actually answer the question, but undermine you or find something new to blame you for (eg. "Fair? Why do you think life is fair? Is it fair that I've got depression? Only children think life should be fair. I thought marriage was about partners supporting each other but I guess you don't care about supporting me when I need it. It's always about you, isn't it?")

When a series of vague, shaming accusations ("can't let me behave like this, that he just wants to live his life and I am constantly turning on him and "abusing" him") are thrown at you, it's overwhelming.

You don't know where to start with defending yourself against these attacks, or what each one actually means and THAT'S THE POINT. The manipulation technique is just throwing enough stuff at you so that your mind becomes overwhelmed with stuff to process, you feel off-balance and self-doubt and confusion set in. The natural action for you to take is to back off until you can think through each element clearly. Which is exactly what your abuser wants (except he doesn't actually want or expect you to think things through, because he doesn't think things through, he avoids self-reflection and relies on reactionary, emotion-driven behaviour to get his way. So careful thought and reflection by yourself is your secret weapon.)

Like, what does he mean when he says "behaving like this"? What is the "this" that you doing? What you're actually doing is raising an issue and asking him for accountability, fairness and responsibility, but he's implying (without actually saying it) that you're attacking him unfairly or treating him badly.

What does "just wants to live his life" mean? What does the life he's allowed to live involve, and does he think you're entitled to that same kind of life? Does the life he's allowed to live involve little work and few responsibilities, but the life you're allowed to live involve working a lot and carrying many responsibilities? Why does he get to live one life and you get to live a very different one? And how long does this go on for? Does he think you are meant to support him in the life he's living indefinitely? Does he really think that this is sustainable? If he's entitled to endless support when he feels he needs help, what happens when you feel you need help? Where's your endless support going to come from? And if there's no endless support resource that you can tap into when you need it for as long as you need it, why does he get one?

These are the detailed questions that you need to be asking yourself, and putting to him. I think you'll soon find that your relationship is predicated on a lot of very skewed assumptions about where genuine responsibility lies.

His behaviour is being driven by his mental health issues.

Is his time off work making him feel better? Is he getting the help he needs?

@CheekyHobson

I tried to initiate a conversation about the way forward but got shut down and told he can't let me behave like this, that he just wants to live his life and I am constantly turning on him and "abusing" him.

This is really classic abusive manipulation. For me, the key was getting really granular on what is happening in the conversation. You'll find that there's a huge amount of hidden manipulation.

Like when you ask a direct question about something he's done that's problematic (eg "So, I came home to give you time off, which you had four hours of. But I didn't get any time off, despite the fact that I'm pregnant. How is that fair?") he'll not actually answer the question, but undermine you or find something new to blame you for (eg. "Fair? Why do you think life is fair? Is it fair that I've got depression? Only children think life should be fair. I thought marriage was about partners supporting each other but I guess you don't care about supporting me when I need it. It's always about you, isn't it?")

When a series of vague, shaming accusations ("can't let me behave like this, that he just wants to live his life and I am constantly turning on him and "abusing" him") are thrown at you, it's overwhelming.

You don't know where to start with defending yourself against these attacks, or what each one actually means and THAT'S THE POINT. The manipulation technique is just throwing enough stuff at you so that your mind becomes overwhelmed with stuff to process, you feel off-balance and self-doubt and confusion set in. The natural action for you to take is to back off until you can think through each element clearly. Which is exactly what your abuser wants (except he doesn't actually want or expect you to think things through, because he doesn't think things through, he avoids self-reflection and relies on reactionary, emotion-driven behaviour to get his way. So careful thought and reflection by yourself is your secret weapon.)

Like, what does he mean when he says "behaving like this"? What is the "this" that you doing? What you're actually doing is raising an issue and asking him for accountability, fairness and responsibility, but he's implying (without actually saying it) that you're attacking him unfairly or treating him badly.

What does "just wants to live his life" mean? What does the life he's allowed to live involve, and does he think you're entitled to that same kind of life? Does the life he's allowed to live involve little work and few responsibilities, but the life you're allowed to live involve working a lot and carrying many responsibilities? Why does he get to live one life and you get to live a very different one? And how long does this go on for? Does he think you are meant to support him in the life he's living indefinitely? Does he really think that this is sustainable? If he's entitled to endless support when he feels he needs help, what happens when you feel you need help? Where's your endless support going to come from? And if there's no endless support resource that you can tap into when you need it for as long as you need it, why does he get one?

These are the detailed questions that you need to be asking yourself, and putting to him. I think you'll soon find that your relationship is predicated on a lot of very skewed assumptions about where genuine responsibility lies.

I agree.

He has the clarity to run rings around you OP.

It takes energy and effort to speak in riddles and go round and round in circles.

Depression my arse.

He's a selfish, nasty abusive excuse of a man and you need to start protecting yourself instead or following him down some rabbit hole of bullshit as he evades answering a reasonable question.

You are 100% being played, used and abused.

You need to protect yourself OP.

Strength OP, and stealth. Gather your stuff together and don't engage.

He'll notice a change in your behaviour - be aware of this and be careful.

Not sure if you've already done this but I agree with getting your thread moved to Relationships.

Abusers tend to think that their partners not giving them everything they want in exactly the happy quiet way they want it is "abuse".

Oh god he's poisonous. I'm so sorry.

Please write down as much as you can remember about times when he's ignored, coerced, emotionally abused or verbally abused you.

@endofagain

I suggest you move this thread to the relationships board. Ask for advice on getting your ducks in a row. This means keeping your head down, not engaging with him, while gathering abd copying/ photographing every single piece of legal and financial paperwork you can find. Mortgage, pay slips, p60, tax returns, credit card statements, pension, life insurance. You need all this before you see a solicitor.

Yes to this ^. Don't discuss your actions with your DH before you see a solicitor and whilst you discreetly get your ducks in a row. You need the full picture of his financials (including pension) as well as yours before he turns nasty. And he will, so be prepared plus ensure you have the support from friends and family from this point onwards. 🌹

I've been here. It wasn't pleasant. You will get through it.

The most important thing is to accept as quickly as you can that he's no longer on your team. Don't let your guard down at all even if he suddenly flips to being nice.

I entirely believe that this is intolerable for you. It is not your fault. The mental health issues are not justification for abuse.

@StormTreader
Abusers tend to think that their partners not giving them everything they want in exactly the happy quiet way they want it is "abuse".

God, never a truer sentence was spoken. They feel entitled to get what they want, when they want it, delivered warmly and unconditionally, without actually having to ask for it.

Of course, this doesn't go two ways. They'll only deliver what they feel like delivering, when they feel like delivering it, in the manner they feel like delivering it (usually one that conveys how very very lucky you are to be receiving it), and only if they are explicitly asked for it.

I would be diverting him on the grounds of his behaviour - such as domestic abuse (is that specific grounds for divorce? I'm not familiar with the finer details)

You are incredibly strong, keep the momentum as you will find you look back and be so glad you escaped.

Thank goodness TheWeekDay! So happy for you to move on with your family and life. Thanks for letting us know.

@CheekyHobson, I didn't know you knew my ex husband...I was constructively dismissed over a period of years owing to my failure in the mind reading department amongst a multitude of other sins

Your story is similar to that of jamaisjedors, who is slowly divorcing from a similar abusive sulking man who ruined every holiday/weekend away. Her story will give you hope.

Good luck and stay strong

Seconding the fact that ALL abusers tell us WE are abusing them

Understand this: what they say to you to get to you, to hurt and upset you is the worst thing THEY can think of, it comes from a place Of pathetic weakness not strength or power, powerful people don’t need to destroy others to make themselves look better.

So… the insults they hurl at you are what terrify THEM the most

I have never seen anyone wither before my eyes before until I repeated all sorts of stuff that my abusive ex used to hurt me.

When he was trying to get me back and was terrified because I’d made my mind up? He said sorry. I remembered the terrible time when he’s made me beg for forgiveness (for just breathing) and I repeated his answer to me then back to him “what value is your sorry, what bank should I take it to, what’s the exchange rate…? Exactly, it’s worth nothing”

When he said those words to me, they stung. When I used his words, he crumbled

Use your superpowers wisely, but don’t be frightened of him. He’s a nothing and a nobody and he’ll be in the past soon.

Keep strong!

@MzHz

What a super post.👏👏👏

Is he self employed or employed by a company? If you are employed by a company and off sick with work related stress, then there will be regular sick notes required, and a plan to help sort things out, and maybe a staggered return. Is he seeing a GP about this? Or (not meaning to sound uncaring here) is he just vaguely using 'stress' as w reason not to get a job - ie "I couldn't possibly be expected to get a job at the moment because I'm stressed" rather than "I am formally signed off as sick"

Thanks @billy1966, I never imagined the power I had all the time! It all makes sense when you know this, so hope this helps someone else

Practically, maternity leave when your new baby arrives is going to be a nightmare if he is still at home off work "sick". Are your parents around for any support?

Just wanted to wish you all the best @TheWeekDay . Stay strong .

I agree with pp re. Maternity leave with him around.

How are you doing @TheWeekDay?

Thanks for the continued support everyone. I have seen the solicitor and am setting about getting everything in order.

I keep having wobbles, thinking about the good times. But I’m staying strong.

I’m seeing some friends this weekend so going to try and talk to them about what’s been going on.

Oh that's good.
Yes I imagine it is hard but keep reading back the posts you put on here.
Your friends I'm sure will be a great support.

Good luck x

@TheWeekDay

Thanks for the continued support everyone. I have seen the solicitor and am setting about getting everything in order.

I keep having wobbles, thinking about the good times. But I’m staying strong.

I’m seeing some friends this weekend so going to try and talk to them about what’s been going on.

great news.. 🌸