To not understand what I have done?

[TheWeekDay]

Due to go on holiday with DH today. GPs to look after the DC so we can have a bit of time together. Things have been tough recently so much needed.

Yesterday DC was sent home from preschool in the morning as unwell (not covid symptoms). DH is at home as has been off sick with stress for 3 months so picked DC up.

I came home from work and said I’d look after DC for a couple of hours in the afternoon and do the work I needed to do in the evening, so he could go for a run and do some of his other hobby.

He say it wasn’t for me to say how much time he got. He needed more than a couple of hours.

I’m pregnant, tired, struggling with morning sickness, working FT in the office. Any work I didn’t do in the day I would have to do in the evening.

So off he went for 4 hours. I then had to work till past midnight. I’m not sure that’s ok, but maybe because of his stress he can’t cope.

What I’m really upset about though is that he’s now refusing to come on holiday because, he says, of how I have behaved. He’s accused me of bullying him. I’m completely confused. I came home from work to give him a break. I haven’t had a break at all.

I just don’t understand what I have done. AIBU?

[ChargingBuck]

Jeeze OP, your update is so sad.

It confirms how this man who calls himself your DH is playing you.
He knows exactly what he has done - so he has gone running to his parents to pre-empt any honest conversation you might have had with them. He's deliberately shut you down, painted you as the unreasonable one, & his parents are playing along. Whether that's through ignorance, meanness, or simply refusing to accept that they have raised an unreasonable little tyrant ... who knows? - but the fact is you will get no emotional support there - do do not harm yourself by seeking it from them.

Where are your own parents, & other family?

When I ask for more support I’m told that I am the problem and I would get more support if I treated him with more respect.
Chilling phraseology right there.
Not just the acting like a twat & expecting to be given 'respect' for it -
but this is Abusers 101 - it's straight from the handbook. See PP point above about DARVO -
www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

Telling his parents that YOU are the problem, telling you that he's with-holding support unless you toe the line (but obviously not telling you what that line is - he needs it to be arbitrary so he can punish you at random whenever he wants to lash out btw), is classic coercion & gaslighting.

As is "you would get support if you gave me respect" - he doesn't mean respect, he means kowtowing & never questioning him or asking for fair treatment.
It is frighteningly close to "now look what you've made me do" & "if you didn't wind me up, I wouldn't have to hit you."

Sorry OP this is a lot to take in but you are doing great with your determination to stick to your guns & take this short break.
So I’m just going to leave DH and them to it.
Yes, that's the attitude! - they won't 'hear' you anyway, so why waste your breath?

Here is a book that teaches all about the 'scripts' that abusers use, breaks down the tactics & patterns of behaviour & gives women a toolkit to recognise, name, & escape poor treatment.
I've looked up the e-version for you so you can 1) keep it secret from him - he MUST NOT see it & 2) get to read it over the weekend if you want to.
archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/page/n21/mode/2up

You sound clear-headed OP, no wonder you are shattered, working FT, pregnant, & carrying an "Angry & Controlling Man".
Have a good break, & keep posting

[Somethingsnappy]

Enjoy the holiday OP, and I hope the time apart is able to bring you some perspective.

[Derbee]

I think what you’ve done is marry a wanker

[SeasonFinale]

Have a lovely trip and while you are away consider whether you actually want to be with him going forward.

[CrazyCatLover]

Good on you. Have a lovely weekend and lots of wine 🍷

[ChargingBuck]

This. He’s not being very nice but I’d guess this is the reason. This thread is a very harsh reaction to someone struggling

Bullshit @BillMasen

Years ago, I became so ill with C-PTSD that I needed hospitalisation.
At no point did I demand respect from my family members, inform them that they were to work til midnight so that I could go & do a hobby, or play ridiculous games about booked holiday arrangements.
I didn't gaslight or DARVO anyone either.

That's not unusual - most people manage these awful MH epidoes without being a total arsehole to loved ones. Not sure why you feel this DH has a Get Out Of Jail Free card on this one.

[junebirthdaygirl]

Sounds like you are the scapegoat for all his misery. Obviously stressed/ mentally in a bad place but passing the blame to you. Stay totally calm and don't engage in calls/ messages from him over the weekend. He may try to up the ante now you have been forceful.
Try and rest and read and chill out. He needs to see he can't carry on. His parents sound like they could be to blame for not challenging him to take responsibility.
Keep in touch here while away so can have the support and company.
This is not you: Be certain of that.

[Angelonagelee]

Does he have form for spoiling other special occasions?

[BlackAlys]

He's lied to his parents and they've bought it.

That's a tactic to engage them - he's thought this through.

Where is your support? It's time to talk to friends and your parents.

It's not you in the wrong.

[diddl]

Unless they've witnessed evidence to the contrary, it's unlikely that they wouldn't believe their son isn't it?

He's off work with stress & has now told them that he can't face a holiday with you after all.

If the holiday was to "work things out" then that's not really a stretch is it?

But that obviously doesn't make his appalling behaviour Ok.

[userxx]

Enjoy the break away op, you have some quality thinking time ahead of you.

Life is so short and precious, surround yourself with people who make you happy.

[MrsMaizel]

He sounds like my ex H who did this to me one time - ditched me at an airport and refused to holiday to see our oldest son. He was also depressed /had been for about 2 years /woudn't seek treatment and in the state of mind where he was working up ( I think ) to ending our marriage . They don't see you OP as in their team and in fact he sees you as the enemy and the cause of all his feelings . I know people say MH doesn't make people a c*nt but yes it can when not dealt with . I would suggest you take this weekend to reflect on your marriage and whether you want to continue .

[LorenzoVonMatterhorn]

I’m told that I am the problem and I would get more support if I treated him with more respect
He is manipulative. I bet he wont let you enjoy your holiday at all. He will make you suffer for daring to go when you get home.

[PurpleFlower1983]

Good for you for going alone - I honestly thing you would be better off without him. I would write down everything he has done as it sounds like he is paving the way for you to be painted as the unreasonable one. My abusive ex was a master at this.

[diddl]

I think the fact that you actually think that you have done something wrong shows how badly he has ground you down.

[PurpleFlower1983]

Please turn your phone off while you are away! Or at least block his number. The in laws can contact you regarding the kids. I’m guessing an ‘I can’t believe you have done this’ message will be coming soon!

[lightand]

Is your DH having any counselling. Sounds like he needs it for a variety of reasons.

[diddl]

So does he think that he is punishing you by not going with you?

I wonder what he would have done had yesterday not happened?

Found some reason to be a miserabke shit on holiday to keep you dancing to his tune?

I wonder if he will have "forgiven" you when you get back?

He might be getting worried that you are starting to not want to put up with his shit & need to draw you back in again.

[Meirou90]

I’d honestly arrange someone to check up on him whilst you’re gone, sounds like this has gone exactly to plan for him. I wouldn’t trust him.

[creativevoid]

I am going to second the recommendation for Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? I was in your position once. I felt like my now ex was a bottomless pit of demands. I spent all my energy trying to keep him happy, but no matter what I did it was never enough and there was some new demand I could never have predicted. I did everything, worked full time, looked after my kids every minute I wasn't working, and used all of my headspace to keep him happy and keep myself out of trouble. If you had asked me if he was abusive I would have said no, because he didn't hit me. If you had asked me if I was scared of him I would have said no, but now, years out of it, I realise I was absolutely terrified. I was just used to it. I knew it wasn't fair, I didn't understand how we ended up in the arguments we had, but no matter what I did I couldn't stop it and I tried everything. It took a huge toll on my physical health (chronic stress-induced sinus infections). When I ready Lundy Bancroft (at the recommendation of a friend after I finally shared what was happening) the scales fell from my eyes. Googling doesn't help with this type of emotional abuse and coercion - it's just too subtle and complex. But when I read Bancroft's book I was amazed that of his ten types of abusive men my now Ex was type 1 to a tee. And I saw things in my own family background that I recognised. And I realised that the best thing I could do for my very young children was to leave. Read the book while you are on your much deserved holiday and see if it helps.

[MatildaIThink]

Sounds like he is a selfish, controlling, bullying arsehole.

[TheChiefJo]

Do you have your own support, OP? Family and friends? I'd consider telling them what's been happening, if so.

I love a holiday on my own, they're the best. Enjoy yourself.

[BlueSussex]

He sounds like a selfish arsehole.

I would spend this time rethinking your whole relationship and future.

[liveforsummer]

Ugh he sounds awful OP. I hope you make the best of your break and consider whether you want to continue living like this as it rarely gets better

[snowblack]

He is not nice to you. You’re pregnant and he should want to take care of you, but instead he’s being an arse. I’d plan to leave for good. That might relief his ’stress’.