To think DH is a controlling twat

[CamillaRose]

I’ve been really poorly for a couple of days. We’re supposed to be going to visit DH’s family today and going to a friend’s wedding tonight. I got up this morning and said I still feel a bit off colour and attending the family thing all day is too much for me, it’ll wipe me out and I won’t make it to the wedding. So I’m going to stay at home today and rest so I can go to the wedding tonight.

DH has absolutely kicked off and said if I don’t go to the family thing today I won’t be going to the wedding tonight. But I’m too unwell to manage both and I don’t want to miss sharing my friend’s special event. AIBU to think he’s being a controlling twat?

You should stay at home for both!!

Who is he to decide for you, what is his reasoning?

Do there a backstory?

It sounds like he is grounding you

He doesn't get to decide for you. Absolutely stand your ground on this.

If you’re really poorly should you be going to either? But in answer to your Q, he does sound a bit controlling if that’s how he put it. Is he usually like this or could he be irrationally angry (as more of a one off) because he was disappointed about the family do and not thinking straight?
How could he stop you going to the wedding?

What’s the family thing?

Would people want your bug?

I feel like we're missing a massive backstory here. Is this normal behaviour or is he cross because he feels like you are avoiding his family? What are you poorly with? Should you be mingling with other people?

It’s up to u what u bloody do!

I can see his point really, if you’re that unwell then going to either should be ruled out - in his head you’re saying him and his family aren’t your priority for energy

A day of rest will probably see you right. But if you're actually still ill and potentially contagious you shouldn't go to either.

I can see his point, if you’re too ill for “his” thing you’re too ill for your thing too, surely?

Saying that though if my DH told me I wouldn’t be going somewhere because he said so, I’d go simply out of spite.

YANBU if that’s the way he phrased it, like you’re his child.
Is there some backstory here in which he thinks you don’t like his family and just want to get out of the family event?

Is he always this controlling? Tell him to fuck off; he doesn’t need to come with you tonight either

Who is he to decide for you
Exactly. I’m furious that he thinks he gets to tell me I can’t go to the wedding unless I go to the family day as well. Like a parent telling a child they can only have a sweety if they eat their vegetables first! I can see his family any time but my friend only gets married once, and she’s paid for my seat and my meal etc. I don’t feel I can manage both events, but I could attend the wedding for a couple of hours and leave early after the meal. There’s nothing to stop him going to see his family and taking our DC while I stay at home. He’s just annoyed that I feel I can only manage one event and I’d choose the wedding over his family.

I’ve put YABU because if you’re feeling unwell then you should stay at home.

There are all sorts of colds, flus and bugs going around at the moment and I’m fed up of getting them all (compromised immune system) because people don’t want to miss a social event. If you’re ill, keep it to yourself thanks

Yanbu unless you have form for flaking out on his family but being fine for your friends. But he still is not entitled to control you.

@FrankieDobie

I can see his point, if you’re too ill for “his” thing you’re too ill for your thing too, surely?

Saying that though if my DH told me I wouldn’t be going somewhere because he said so, I’d go simply out of spite.

This!

Are you contagious though? I don't imagine anyone at either event would be best pleased at catching something from you.

But YANBU for telling him to politely fuck off with the way he speaks to you.

I don't necessarily agree with your approach but him telling you where you are or aren't allowed to go? Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

What’s going to happen if you refuse to go to the family thing?

He’s being a dickhead.

If you’re really poorly should you be going to either?
I don’t have a bug. I have a chronic disease that’s been playing up, it’s not infectious. I wish the wedding wasn’t today but it is, so I want to push myself to go for a couple of hours and show my face. I won’t be able to do that it I’ve already pushed myself to attend the family event during the day.

@FrankieDobie

I can see his point, if you’re too ill for “his” thing you’re too ill for your thing too, surely?

Saying that though if my DH told me I wouldn’t be going somewhere because he said so, I’d go simply out of spite.

I think the difference is that a wedding is a one-off event. If it's missed, it's not possible to do it another time, whereas visiting family could be done another time.

@CamillaRose

If you’re really poorly should you be going to either? I don’t have a bug. I have a chronic disease that’s been playing up, it’s not infectious. I wish the wedding wasn’t today but it is, so I want to push myself to go for a couple of hours and show my face. I won’t be able to do that it I’ve already pushed myself to attend the family event during the day.

Then I totally change my answer (although this is pertinent information for the OP I would think).

He’s being a massive dick.

Your dh seems unaware that you are an independent adult.

How are you getting to the wedding without him?

As you are not contagious, I would go to the wedding, even if just for a little while. You 'D'H can do one take the kids to his event and let you rest up.

If this is normal behaviour for him, I'd be reconsidering the 'H' as well.