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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is a controlling twat

267 replies

CamillaRose · 25/09/2021 07:37

I’ve been really poorly for a couple of days. We’re supposed to be going to visit DH’s family today and going to a friend’s wedding tonight. I got up this morning and said I still feel a bit off colour and attending the family thing all day is too much for me, it’ll wipe me out and I won’t make it to the wedding. So I’m going to stay at home today and rest so I can go to the wedding tonight.

DH has absolutely kicked off and said if I don’t go to the family thing today I won’t be going to the wedding tonight. But I’m too unwell to manage both and I don’t want to miss sharing my friend’s special event. AIBU to think he’s being a controlling twat?

OP posts:
Zilla1 · 25/09/2021 10:36

Well if you're not going to do what you're told, nor prioritise his family, nor ask his opinion and permission then you are grounded. Do you know the approved way to apologise? Don't forget to learn your lesson to avoid having to put him to the trouble of disciplining you the next time. You've let yourself down and you've let all wives down and let women in general down. So disappointing.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 25/09/2021 10:37

I'd be divorced or a widow by now. Fuck that shit. How do you live like that? Just bloody leave him, sounds like you would be happier alone.

Disfordarkchocolate · 25/09/2021 10:37

I'm with you @CamillaRose, you get to decide what you can manage not him.

Was the family event planned on a day you already had a commitment, if so was this on purpose?

diddl · 25/09/2021 10:40

"I don’t think you get to dictate when other people arrange things, life doesn’t revolve around one person. "

Op & her husband had a prior commitment, which Op is keeping.

Her husband is the rude fucker for cancelling that.

ZorbaTheHoarder · 25/09/2021 10:51

Why on earth are you staying with him, OP?

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life being treated like this?

SunshineCake1 · 25/09/2021 10:53

If it was your family would you still choose the wedding? It is obvious that one should chose the one off event.

pictish · 25/09/2021 10:53

Yanbu. He’s a manipulative, narcissistic, self absorbed, disrespectful, hard-hearted piece of shit. Poor you. Stand your ground, watch him rage.
Start making plans to separate from him. Good luck. Xx

SunshineCake1 · 25/09/2021 10:53

You're in an abusive and controlling relationship. Your poor children.

Flyingantday · 25/09/2021 11:00

I wouldn’t often say LTB but he sounds toxic and unkind. It sounds like he resents your illness and puts your health, needs and feelings last. At the point he double booked the day, he should have understood that you probably would not be up to going, he ignored your valid concerns at the time and is now bullying you about it when you are ill and vulnerable. Also insisting that you see his toxic family at the cost of your nice friends does hint at him resenting and alienating you from your support network away from him.

JudgeJ · 25/09/2021 11:03

@toomuchlaundry

What’s the family thing?

Would people want your bug?

Clearly it's family she doesn't like as she isn't well enough to go to their home but, miraculously, is well enough to attend a friend's wedding!
Beeinalily · 25/09/2021 11:10

@JudgeJ @toomuchlaundry I haven't read the whole thread but even I picked up that she had a chronic illness and can manage a couple of hours but not a whole day.

thelastgoldeneagle · 25/09/2021 11:10

Right. You're managing a chronic illness. You know your body best.

The wedding is a one-off; you can see his family any time. I'd go to see your friend get married.

He's being a massive dick. Enjoy the wedding!

thelastgoldeneagle · 25/09/2021 11:15

But OP, why are you staying in a relationship with a man like this? What message are you sending to your dc about relationships?? Your dh sulking for days and weeks is emotional abuse.

pictish · 25/09/2021 11:16

In your shoes I would prioritise the wedding too, no competition. It came first, it’s a one-off and most importantly, you actually want to go. Even without your chronic condition, I would be declining the family event so I had time and energy to enjoy the wedding.

Cherrysoup · 25/09/2021 11:18

Why do you stay with him?

rwalker · 25/09/2021 11:19

I think the problem is you didn't want to go in the first place to family event and now you can't but well enough to make the wedding .

pictish · 25/09/2021 11:19

@rwalker

I think the problem is you didn't want to go in the first place to family event and now you can't but well enough to make the wedding .
I don’t think that’s the problem.
rwalker · 25/09/2021 11:22

@pictish
Ok then its just some coincdence

Herecomesthesun70 · 25/09/2021 11:22

What's actually happening at the family event?

knittingaddict · 25/09/2021 11:28

@rwalker

I think the problem is you didn't want to go in the first place to family event and now you can't but well enough to make the wedding .
Blimey, I don't even have a chronic condition, but it's not a stretch to imagine that limited energy makes one event doable, when two aren't. I would prioritise the wedding of friends too and I happen to like my inlaws.
pictish · 25/09/2021 11:33

[quote rwalker]@pictish
Ok then its just some coincdence[/quote]
As said, I would prioritise the wedding without a chronic condition or the past ill feeling. It’s too much to cram into the one day. I can’t imagine my husband insisting that I do. I’d say, “I’m going Alison’s wedding that evening so I’ll stay here so I’m not knackered and have plenty of time to get ready.”

The problem is that her husband isn’t affording her a choice. So obviously, fuck that.

EmotionalSupportBear · 25/09/2021 11:35

my ex was like this.. him telling me i wasn't allowed to go to something i wanted to do was actually the final straw, and i left him a few days later... never looked back.

I had got to the point that when he threatened me with divorce i told him to pack his bag and fuck off then, and he'd be like 'but its MY house' and i'd just reply 'i'm not the one threatening to leave' then ignore his bullshit.

Honestly, your life would be much better without him, just leave his stupid ass.

endofagain · 25/09/2021 11:35

I have a relative who has MS. She absolutely can rest and plan for maybe 1 social event per week. No way could she manage 2. That is the reality of her condition.
There are some people on this thread who clearly haven't the slightest notion of the difference between a chronic condition and a temporary illness.

LastGirlSanding · 25/09/2021 11:36

But she already said when it was suggested to be booked it wasn’t a good idea for this exact reason- knowing she probably would not have the energy for both. Now what she thought would happen has happened and her husband is making a big deal out of it like she did this on purpose whereas actually he set her up to this situation and is now berating her for it. If he had listened to her in the first place they could have either excused themselves from the family event or asked for it not to be on the same day they had already committed to as a one-off event.

me4real · 25/09/2021 11:37

Does he often sulk for weeks and threaten to divorce you?

Yes. I just ignore him.

All of this is awful @CamillaRose . He tries to completely ignore and ride roughshod over your needs, limitations, and health/wellbeing. He is also emotionally abusive with the sulking and threats.

Don't ignore him, divorce him. xx

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