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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DH is a controlling twat

267 replies

CamillaRose · 25/09/2021 07:37

I’ve been really poorly for a couple of days. We’re supposed to be going to visit DH’s family today and going to a friend’s wedding tonight. I got up this morning and said I still feel a bit off colour and attending the family thing all day is too much for me, it’ll wipe me out and I won’t make it to the wedding. So I’m going to stay at home today and rest so I can go to the wedding tonight.

DH has absolutely kicked off and said if I don’t go to the family thing today I won’t be going to the wedding tonight. But I’m too unwell to manage both and I don’t want to miss sharing my friend’s special event. AIBU to think he’s being a controlling twat?

OP posts:

ILoveYou3000 · 26/09/2021 10:52

[quote rwalker]@DameFanny
The point is OP can only go to one fair enough thats not up for dispute but if a DH picked friends over family he would be slated on her saying his priority should be family not friends, and the you know his priory don't lie with family . If a man did this he would have his arse handed to him .[/quote]
Not if he'd accepted an invitation to a wedding first and explained that he'd told his wife from the start there was a clash and he couldn't promise being able to attend both.

I don't think anyone would expect someone to prioritise a family get together over an already agreed to one-off event like a wedding, particularly when the family in question were abusive.

DameFanny · 26/09/2021 13:47

[quote rwalker]@DameFanny
The point is OP can only go to one fair enough thats not up for dispute but if a DH picked friends over family he would be slated on her saying his priority should be family not friends, and the you know his priory don't lie with family . If a man did this he would have his arse handed to him .[/quote]
In these circumstances, where they'd already accepted a wedding invitation and the family thing could happen any other times? You honestly think people would think family first in those circumstances, rather than the woman having her arse handed to her?

Absolute bollocks. You're grasping at straws to prove some kind of misogynist point that women here aren't objective. Do better.

daisychain01 · 26/09/2021 14:15

@rwalker

I'd love to see the thread where DH picks his friends over family . You hear the screams in space his priority should be family .

But that's a red herring and isn't a fair comparison.

This scenario isn't about "picking friends before family" it's about the social etiquette of accepting an invitation, honouring that, not having the goalposts shifted and having a 2nd event forced upon them on the same day!. If the DH had an auto immune illness, I guarantee people on here would not be criticising him for finding it overwhelming to attend two events in a day. Lots of MNers have AI conditions, and know the reality of having to manage energy levels and flare ups.

The OP has said that the wedding invitation came first, so it's irrelevant that the 2nd event is family, the fact of the matter is that the right thing to do would have been to suggest to the family member hosting the event that they'd already accepted an evening wedding event so could the family get together be a different weekend. It really isn't difficult.

rwalker · 26/09/2021 20:32

@daisychain01
In that case OP should of been very clear she wasn't going to family event in the first place as soon as it was mention rather than a flakey answer and DH would be under no ilusion she was going . it really isn't difficult .

daisychain01 · 26/09/2021 20:44

@rwalker You clearly haven't got a clue what it is to have an auto-immune condition. If you did have experience, and had empathy, you would know that each day is unpredictable, what is manageable one day can be completely insurmountable 24 hours later.

Anyway you were arguing it would be a different response if it were a man declining the 2nd event, which isn't the case.

Fireflygal · 26/09/2021 21:18

@rwalker, it's extremely difficult to predict how you feel if you have a chronic health condition. You are really lacking understanding and empathy. Consider yourself fortunate that you are well enough to never have to be "flakey" because your health is stable.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/09/2021 21:46

[quote rwalker]@daisychain01
In that case OP should of been very clear she wasn't going to family event in the first place as soon as it was mention rather than a flakey answer and DH would be under no ilusion she was going . it really isn't difficult .[/quote]
'It really isn't difficult'?

Well it is quite difficult if you have a chronic health condition actually because you would have to say a blanket no to absolutely everything to avoid ever letting someone down when a flare up happens.

Happily most people are more understanding than you sound and get that concept. Which 'really isn't difficult' in reality. Difficult to have to navigate, not so difficult to show some empathy towards.

OP was very clear:

I said it was too much on one day but he still double booked because apparently there was no choice. So I said ok I’ll do my best, as long as the family event is no more than a couple of hours and you get the DC ready and look after them. That was before I had a flare up and felt poorly for the past couple of days. Yes the timing is inconvenient - I now feel that I can’t manage both even if I push myself.

If my epilepsy flares up on the day of an event there's nothing I can do. Socialising can be a trigger, sometimes it's not, so I have to either say no to everything for fear of letting people down last minute or stick to friends and family who aren't arseholes and understand that it's not in my control.

DressBitch · 28/09/2021 13:04

I'd love to know what happened

me4real · 01/10/2021 01:49

I second others in saying a lot of people in the thread clearly don't understand what it's like to live with a chronic illness/disability (a chronic illness that effects what you can and can't do is a disability really. Also I don't think anyone should have to be around people who are arseholes to them- especially if they're already ill/disabled so life is harder and more draining.

BathMatToe · 01/10/2021 02:00

Hope you're ok

IrishMel · 01/10/2021 03:45

You do as you please and rest up for the day so can go to friend's wedding. Who does he think he is dictating to you. Is he always like this and has he not shown any empathy or sympathy for how you are feeling. He is probably just annoyed because he will have to take a bit of parental responsibility. Enjoy the wedding and tell him he is not your father trying to tell you what to do.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 01/10/2021 04:18

OP, I understand about your condition perfectly..

Am I the only one who suspects he set you up to fail here? He knew you'd both accepted the invitation to the wedding, knew it was important to you and accepted the family invitation on top anyway just because he could.

I also suspect one reason he is pissed off at having to go without you is that he might have to actually look after his own children for the day.

Seriously my dear, life is too short to put up with this behaviour. Both you and your children deserve far better. Please think about that. 💐

CheekyHobson · 01/10/2021 04:21

A few things to consider carefully, OP.

Punishment by silent treatment for days or weeks, dictating what other adults can and can't do, harsh verbal criticism and threats of divorce intended to enforce control (rather than being a sincere intention to leave) are all well-known and classic emotional abuse techniques.

Emotional abusers usually learn their emotional abuse techniques in their family of origin. You can spot these families easily as they're nightmares to deal with, just like your in-laws.

Living in an emotionally abusive relationship causes long-term stress, that can show up in the form of a chronic illness, particularly autoimmune disorders.

mathanxiety · 01/10/2021 04:24

Most likely he will just take the huff and refuse to speak to me for days or weeks. He might threaten to kick me out of the house and divorce me.

@CamillaRose
I think this is an offer you should take him up on.

Seriously though, your H is abusing you. Threatening to leave you homeless, sulking for weeks - that's all abuse.

What is keeping you tied to this relationship?

CatsBooksAndCoffee · 02/10/2021 14:38

"I also worry that if you did go to the family do he would find a way to somehow make you late/stressed for the evening do, just to upset you"

Exactly what I was thinking. He sounds like the type to do just that.
He's a rotten ,cruel twat OP.
Do not budge on his family crap.
Have a nice rest and enjoy your friend's wedding

Muchmorethan · 07/10/2021 05:25

@CamillaRose how are things?

LittleRed53 · 05/11/2021 05:03

@CamillaRose I hope the day worked out for you OP, and that your flare up has settled down by now

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