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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is a controlling twat

267 replies

CamillaRose · 25/09/2021 07:37

I’ve been really poorly for a couple of days. We’re supposed to be going to visit DH’s family today and going to a friend’s wedding tonight. I got up this morning and said I still feel a bit off colour and attending the family thing all day is too much for me, it’ll wipe me out and I won’t make it to the wedding. So I’m going to stay at home today and rest so I can go to the wedding tonight.

DH has absolutely kicked off and said if I don’t go to the family thing today I won’t be going to the wedding tonight. But I’m too unwell to manage both and I don’t want to miss sharing my friend’s special event. AIBU to think he’s being a controlling twat?

OP posts:
WithMyEncyclopedia · 25/09/2021 09:14

If you're unwell, then do everyone a favour and don't pass your bug on to everyone else in the evening.

Please educate yourself about chronic illness ffs

HopingForABetterYear · 25/09/2021 09:16

I hope you have a great time at the wedding Op, don't let your dh ruin it for you x

CurlyWurly321 · 25/09/2021 09:18

Oh ignore me. I missed the condition.

DH is a dick.

changed12344 · 25/09/2021 09:18

My guess is he will suddenly have to go out this evening and leave the children with you to ensure you can't go

Fireflygal · 25/09/2021 09:19

Im struggling to reconcile your description of being "a bit off colour" with being too ill to be driven somewhere where you will presumably only have to sit around and talk to people - but being well enough to go to a wedding

If you have a chronic condition it's akin to running on a low battery, you sense when the charge is running out (and the day after a busy week is typical). If you can rest you are likely to conserve energy rather than deplete an already low battery. Stress further reduces energy so if the planning ahead for a party- such as getting dc ready, traffic, meeting hostile people then the Op knows she will be fully drained by the evening. Fully drained means you can't move around. It means she couldn't go to the wedding.

Would you go to the wedding solo?

Hiphopopotamus · 25/09/2021 09:19

Ah @CurlyWurly321 it would really help if you at least read the OPs posts. She has a chronic illness, nothing infectious. But great to see we can still all be sanctimonious and judgemental about other people’s illnesses - a great legacy of 2020

user1471457751 · 25/09/2021 09:22

@Hiphopopotamus @CurlyWurly321 has already apologised and says she didn't see the chronic condition bit.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 25/09/2021 09:25

Why can’t he go to family and you go to the wedding?

I don’t think it’s automatically controlling to want to do two things in one day or be disappointed when something doesn’t happen you planned. Kicking off isn’t good though.

endofagain · 25/09/2021 09:26

This would be a deal breaker for me. I have a collection of auto immune diseases. I managed a day out this week, but could barely walk the next day. I have to pace myself and flare ups are unpredictable. DH has been nothing but kind and patient since I became ill.
What happened to "in sickness and in health" ?

Original poster
CamillaRose · 25/09/2021 09:28

The wedding was booked first and OP told twat features she wouldn’t be able to do both so not to agree to the family thing
I said I can’t manage both events on the same day. He said well they were going to have the family event today and I couldn’t stop them, what did you expect me to do?! I said I expected you to tell them they can have it today but we won’t be attending! Or at the very least I won’t be attending and you’ll be going on your own!

Then he starts trying to guilt me saying how could you refuse to attend, it’s your nieces and nephews who you’re supposed to love and haven’t seen since before the pandemic, and your SILs and BILs who are our only family... so I got annoyed and said they may be your only family but they’re not mine, I have other family. So now apparently I’m a nasty heartless person.

OP posts:
WimpoleHat · 25/09/2021 09:29

DH has absolutely kicked off and said if I don’t go to the family thing today I won’t be going to the wedding tonight.

You’re not 12 and he’s not your dad…. He sounds awful, OP.

Saladovercrispsanyday · 25/09/2021 09:31

@CamillaRose

Op what will happen when you disobey him? He isn’t violent. He’s just a twat. I don’t know how he thinks he can force me to go to his family event when I’ve said I don’t feel up to it. The 4hr round trip is too much for me right now. Most likely he will just take the huff and refuse to speak to me for days or weeks. He might threaten to kick me out of the house and divorce me.
You sound quite a forthright strong and articulate woman

How did you end up with someone like this? Has he recently changed?

OrlandointheWilderness · 25/09/2021 09:33

@CamillaRose

The wedding was booked first and OP told twat features she wouldn’t be able to do both so not to agree to the family thing I said I can’t manage both events on the same day. He said well they were going to have the family event today and I couldn’t stop them, what did you expect me to do?! I said I expected you to tell them they can have it today but we won’t be attending! Or at the very least I won’t be attending and you’ll be going on your own!

Then he starts trying to guilt me saying how could you refuse to attend, it’s your nieces and nephews who you’re supposed to love and haven’t seen since before the pandemic, and your SILs and BILs who are our only family... so I got annoyed and said they may be your only family but they’re not mine, I have other family. So now apparently I’m a nasty heartless person.

Tbh telling him that "they may be your only family but they aren't mine" is a horrible, bitchy thing to say. I do see his point too - family plans involve so many people you can't expect it to be rearranged to suit you and perhaps he felt that seeing them all for the first time was more important than the wedding? BUT he is obviously being a dick!
RickJames · 25/09/2021 09:33

Ignore him.

You probably serve as the 'lightning rod' when he's with his parents. If you aren't there for them to nag and mither then they'll nag and mither him. The focus of their discontent and negatively will be on him instead of you.

Think about it, if he actually enjoyed being with them he'd be so revved up about going he wouldn't care if you were going or not. He wants you to have to share the burden and feels hard done by that you get what he actually really wants, a day at home.

If he genuinely thought seeing his parents was a lovely treat, he'd be feeling really sorry for you for missing out, not trying to threaten you into line!

Stay strong OP Smile

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 25/09/2021 09:34

I don’t think you get to dictate when other people arrange things, life doesn’t revolve around one person.
If you haven’t seen them in the best part of two years and then opt out to see friends instead and then make comments like that about family no wonder he was cross.

BeyondShrinks · 25/09/2021 09:35

@PerseverancePays

Sounds to me like you would have more spoons to spare if your horrible husband and his horrible family weren’t using them up. The stress of it goes so deep. I have chronic health conditions and they didn’t clear up when I left, but they were easier to manage, especially every other weekend!
I second this. I was capable of a lot more day to day when I wasn't on constant guard of my ex's mood.
Original poster
CamillaRose · 25/09/2021 09:36

Of course he is wrong....but.....did you end up saying 'OK we can do both'
I said it was too much on one day but he still double booked because apparently there was no choice. So I said ok I’ll do my best, as long as the family event is no more than a couple of hours and you get the DC ready and look after them. That was before I had a flare up and felt poorly for the past couple of days. Yes the timing is inconvenient - I now feel that I can’t manage both even if I push myself. He’s being an absolute twat because I’ve chosen the wedding of someone I like over his family who I absolutely hate.

OP posts:
RickJames · 25/09/2021 09:36

Sorry, its not parents its siblings. Nevertheless, the advice remains the same.

Original poster
CamillaRose · 25/09/2021 09:38

If you haven’t seen them in the best part of two years and then opt out to see friends instead
Tbh I’d be quite happy if I never saw them again, and he knows that. I’ve actually considered divorcing him just so I never have to see them again. They’ve been abusive to me on several occasions and I don’t like them.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 25/09/2021 09:39

He isn’t violent. He’s just a twat. I don’t know how he thinks he can force me to go to his family event when I’ve said I don’t feel up to it. The 4hr round trip is too much for me right now. Most likely he will just take the huff and refuse to speak to me for days or weeks. He might threaten to kick me out of the house and divorce me

Shock wtf! I'd seriously be looking at divorce. This is no way to live. Being married to someone that hates you is soul destroying.

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 25/09/2021 09:39

All of the other stuff, how the plans were made etc is totally irrelevant

The fact is OP can decide what she can manage to do and shouldn't be punished for making that decision.

You say he ignores you for long periods op. This is emotional abuse. Threatens to divorce? I'd bite his hand off!

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 25/09/2021 09:41

I agree. It doesn't sound like he likes you let along loves you.
Going on about you should love your nieces and nephews...pft I'd say "you should love and support me especially when ill"

He sounds awful.

timeisnotaline · 25/09/2021 09:41

Ugh he does sound like a twat. I’m perfectly healthy and wouldn’t want a family day 2 hours away followed by a wedding, and you said it was a bad idea.
Does he often sulk for weeks and threaten to divorce you? Have you considered that as a good option actually?

Original poster
CamillaRose · 25/09/2021 09:41

perhaps he felt that seeing them all for the first time was more important than the wedding?
Probably for him. To me it’s just a pain that I’m dreading and could do without.

OP posts:
Original poster
CamillaRose · 25/09/2021 09:41

Does he often sulk for weeks and threaten to divorce you?
Yes. I just ignore him.

OP posts:
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