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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is a controlling twat

267 replies

CamillaRose · 25/09/2021 07:37

I’ve been really poorly for a couple of days. We’re supposed to be going to visit DH’s family today and going to a friend’s wedding tonight. I got up this morning and said I still feel a bit off colour and attending the family thing all day is too much for me, it’ll wipe me out and I won’t make it to the wedding. So I’m going to stay at home today and rest so I can go to the wedding tonight.

DH has absolutely kicked off and said if I don’t go to the family thing today I won’t be going to the wedding tonight. But I’m too unwell to manage both and I don’t want to miss sharing my friend’s special event. AIBU to think he’s being a controlling twat?

OP posts:
LastGirlSanding · 25/09/2021 09:43

Honestly he does sound like a controlling twat. If he had any consideration for you he would not have double booked a day like this knowing how much of a struggle it would be for you. I wonder why he didn’t speak up, is he really so scared of his family and saying no? Or was he trying to force you somehow to prove you would prioritise his family (ergo him) on a day which originally was meant to be to prioritise your friends (ergo you)?

diddl · 25/09/2021 09:43

Is he pissed off at the thought of seeing his family alone or the fact that you obviously prefer your friends?

Go to the wedding Op, other people's familys are so overrated!

And seriously think about leaving him.

Naunet · 25/09/2021 09:44

@CurlyWurly321

I agree with your DH but not for the same reason.

If you're unwell, then do everyone a favour and don't pass your bug on to everyone else in the evening.

I'm sure a lot of people will know you're ill.

It puts your DH in an awkward position.

"Hi Bob, where's Jane?"

"Oh, she's not well. Wasn't well to make it today but she will come for the reception and infect you all"

Read the thread 🙄
JustJoinedRightNow · 25/09/2021 09:45

Honestly OP this was horrible to read. Why are you staying with him if he often threatens to divorce you?

Sorry you’re having a flare up of your condition. You’re within your rights to go to whichever you like.

And when you said that he said “I knew you would find a reason not to go” how about he listens to you and understands how you’ve been treated in the past and read the writing on the wall - that in fact, no, you don’t want to go and being sick on top of it means you physically can’t go.

Sorry your husband is a twat

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 25/09/2021 09:45

Op I'd be telling him to piss off for the day in his own and then I'd go to the wedding on my own later.

When they ask why he isn't there tell them his family arranged a get together but you've not been well and wanted to preserve your energy for the wedding so didn't attend family function with him.

And I'd completely ignore him back.

And then I'd divorce the controlling prick

CustardGoodJamGoodMeatGood · 25/09/2021 09:46

You're illness, only you know how you feel and what you can manage. Tell DP to fuck off and do your own thing, you're an adult. Don't push yourself just to please him, especially for people you don't even like

Naunet · 25/09/2021 09:46

It would be a cold day in hell before I let any man think he could play the role of my father and tell me what I can or can’t do. What an arrogant dickhead. It’s his fault for booking it on the same day as the wedding, more fool him. Go to the wedding, have a good time and consider leaving this pathetic idiot of a man.

Saladovercrispsanyday · 25/09/2021 09:47

@CamillaRose

Does he often sulk for weeks and threaten to divorce you? Yes. I just ignore him.
Utterly shit for your children though
AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit · 25/09/2021 09:48

I'd be telling him I'll do whatever the fuck I want. I'd also be telling him I have no interest in his fucking family, I don't give a shit about any of them and whenever a visit is planned he can go on his own and tell them why 👍 fingers crossed he files for divorce hey! 😄

TwilightSkies · 25/09/2021 09:48

He sounds horrible and like he doesn’t care about you at all.
Fuck the family, they're abusive to you (the apple didn’t fall far from the tree obviously) and you aren’t obliged to see them EVER.
Do what suits you and while you’re at it, re-evaluate what you get out of this marriage.

AnneElliott · 25/09/2021 09:49

God he sounds like my mum! She had a mantra that went 'if you're not well enough for school then you're not well enough to go out after'.

Yes he's a controlling arse and yuh should ignore him and go anyway! I went to a friends wedding while recovering from a serious illness (not contagious). No way would I have missed it unless I was in hospital. I went for the service the meal and left after the speeches but of course you put yourself out for a close friend.

Farwest · 25/09/2021 09:50

First, OP does not need any sort of excuse to never see his family again. She is an adult who can decide which people she sees and which she avoids in her leisure time.

More importantly, OP, if dh wasn't around... if you were single, and had a sitter for the night, and you were getting dressed up and heading to a friend's wedding on a Saturday night... wouldn't you PREFER that? No moaning, no twattish tactics, no threats, just your dc telling you that you look very pretty as you set out for the night.

Divorce isn't a threat. It's a really good option.

knittingaddict · 25/09/2021 09:51

@mrsbyers

I can see his point really, if you’re that unwell then going to either should be ruled out - in his head you’re saying him and his family aren’t your priority for energy
No he doesn't have a point. No one gets to talk to you like that once you are an adult. The op is quite within her rights to make up her own mind. Her argument for why she would save her energy for the wedding seems perfectly sound.
userxx · 25/09/2021 10:00

Will you have to stay in your bedroom with no tv allowed ?

endofagain · 25/09/2021 10:02

He does sound controlling. Stress makes chronic illness worse.
I think you should post on the relationships board Op. You will get very good advice and support there.

MoiraNotRuby · 25/09/2021 10:05

He is awful. Wouldn't it be nicer for you and your children if you divorce?

knittingaddict · 25/09/2021 10:08

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

I don’t think you get to dictate when other people arrange things, life doesn’t revolve around one person. If you haven’t seen them in the best part of two years and then opt out to see friends instead and then make comments like that about family no wonder he was cross.
Where did we get this idea that family are somehow a sacred institution who we must prioritize at all costs? Sometimes friends are more important, and certainly nicer to be around than family.

Sometimes we have family get togethers. Sometimes we are all there and sometimes one couple or another can't make it due to prior engagements. No one makes a fuss or a drama about it.

People have busy lives. Throw in a chronic condition and people should be more understanding, not less.

In any case, it's a WEDDING, so hardly just "seeing friends".

Theluggage15 · 25/09/2021 10:11

Why on earth would you stay with someone who tells you what to do and sulks for weeks?!! It must be a horrible atmosphere in your house. Not nice for your children.

CambsAlways · 25/09/2021 10:12

I’d be going where I want to go, he’s being very unreasonable, I too have chronic illness and yes you have to pick your places and time schedules and the wedding is very important to you a one off, I must admit if I wasn’t feeling on par I would normally be staying at home, but I can see the wedding is very important so yes I’d go for few hours

Blueuggboots · 25/09/2021 10:13

You do know it's not normal to threaten to kick you out of the house, threaten to divorce you and not speak to you for weeks don't you?
He sounds delightful!!

FangsForTheMemory · 25/09/2021 10:16

Why on earth don’t you take him at his word regarding a divorce?

cookingisoverrated · 25/09/2021 10:19

He's a twat and not your master.

He can go to his family's event on his own. You are perfectly entitled and reasonable to want to conserve your energy for your friend's previously-booked wedding under the circumstances.

Tell him to do one ... and go by yourself if he carries on being a twat. Perhaps there will be someone who can offer you legal advice about divorcing twats at the reception.

SandraGreen · 25/09/2021 10:23

DH has absolutely kicked off and said if I don’t go to the family thing today I won’t be going to the wedding tonight.

Who the fuck does he think he is?

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 25/09/2021 10:28

Wow, a four hour round trip when you are having a flare-up of a chronic condition- absolutely nope. He should be working out how to support you through this so you can do to your one-off friend's wedding, taking your child out, going himself or even staying home to support you.

This man is horrid.

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 25/09/2021 10:29

Why do you ignore him when he threatens to divorce you? Perhaps you should pay attention and think about whether you want to live like this for the next 40 years. With your chronic condition, being ignored/given the silent treatment in your own home?

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