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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is a controlling twat

267 replies

CamillaRose · 25/09/2021 07:37

I’ve been really poorly for a couple of days. We’re supposed to be going to visit DH’s family today and going to a friend’s wedding tonight. I got up this morning and said I still feel a bit off colour and attending the family thing all day is too much for me, it’ll wipe me out and I won’t make it to the wedding. So I’m going to stay at home today and rest so I can go to the wedding tonight.

DH has absolutely kicked off and said if I don’t go to the family thing today I won’t be going to the wedding tonight. But I’m too unwell to manage both and I don’t want to miss sharing my friend’s special event. AIBU to think he’s being a controlling twat?

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 25/09/2021 18:00

@CamillaRose

How are you getting to the wedding without him? I have my own car. But he’s a massive dick if he refuses to go because the couple are his friends too.
Erm ... he's a little dick for sure OP, with the tiny dictator routine about where you are "allowed" to go. Does he have form for imagining he's the boss of you?
ChargingBuck · 25/09/2021 18:04

@Aprilx

I think it is up to you. But to be honest I can understand him being annoyed that you can’t see his family but can go to your friends wedding.
Perhaps he's ignorant about how chronic diseases have to be managed as well.

Although he has less excuse than you Aprilx, as he lives with a sufferer, & deliberately accepted the dates for this 4-hour round trip despite his DW telling him the wedding was already booked & the family day on top would be too much for her.

"To be honest" - do you still think he's right to be annoyed?

TheWholeWorld · 25/09/2021 18:04

He's set you up for this OP - booking an event he knew you wouldn't be able to do and now he's having a go at you for it.

Not the actions of a loving husband at all. In fact it's spiteful.

ChargingBuck · 25/09/2021 18:06

@Droite

I'm struggling to reconcile your description of being "a bit off colour" with being too ill to be driven somewhere where you will presumably only have to sit around and talk to people - but being well enough to go to a wedding.
Presumably you wouldn't struggle to reconcile OP going to the family day, but ditching the wedding?

Why is that?

ILoveYou3000 · 25/09/2021 18:08

@Droite

Do you also struggle to read and understand about chronic illnesses?

OP says she is a bit off colour. Whether that's due to a chronic illness or something else, she's not saying she feels desperately ill, is she?

So you don't understand about chronic illness then. Why not just say that? OP says she's having a flare-up that's more than just feeling a 'bit off-colour'. The vast majority of people experiencing chronic illness play down how they feel, because of the sense they're burdening their loved ones and also because if they were honest it would sound like they were continually moaning, because even good days aren't great for many people who suffer with a chronic illness.
CherryHug · 25/09/2021 18:13

YABU for spreading your yucky germs about, has the pandemic taught you nothing?

ChargingBuck · 25/09/2021 18:14

@CamillaRose

Does he often sulk for weeks and threaten to divorce you? Yes. I just ignore him.
Do you ever daydream about accepting his divorce proposal? What does does your look like in your head, without him & his bloody family in it?

He just gets worse with every update OP.
He is emotionally abusive, manipulative, & just bulldozes over anything you are telling him. You TOLD him the wedding was already booked & this family day would be too much on top. He ignored you. Now you are telling him that, as predicted, you don't have enough Spoons left, & he is trying to bulldoze that too.
The sulking & stonewalling are abuse, pure & simple.

What's in this marriage, for YOU?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 25/09/2021 18:15

@CherryHug

YABU for spreading your yucky germs about, has the pandemic taught you nothing?
It would be nice if it had taught you to read before commenting.

OP, I think divorce will make your life far easier in the long run.

ChargingBuck · 25/09/2021 18:20

[quote rwalker]@pictish
Ok then its just some coincdence[/quote]
Get some education before you start pontificating.
It's not a coincidence, it's how lifelong chronic diseases need to be managed.

Surely, even those who are ignorant of how OP needs to manage her malady are able to perceive that 2 -3 hours with nice people at a wedding is FAR easier that driving 4 hours to spend several hours with unpleasant people?

ChargingBuck · 25/09/2021 18:25

Totally this, @GatoradeMeBitch

Do you think your health issue might have flared up because you were stressed about seeing them?

I also wondered if OP would feel generally better long-term, if she no longer had to constantly fend off Little Hitler's ridiculous petulance & days-long bouts of emotional abuse.

Throckmorton · 25/09/2021 19:12

Why have you not divorced him? Why would anyone live their life with such a twat?

thelastgoldeneagle · 25/09/2021 19:18

@CherryHug

YABU for spreading your yucky germs about, has the pandemic taught you nothing?
It taught me to RTFT before posting...
diddl · 25/09/2021 20:22

@TheWholeWorld

He's set you up for this OP - booking an event he knew you wouldn't be able to do and now he's having a go at you for it.

Not the actions of a loving husband at all. In fact it's spiteful.

If it wasn't this it would be something else no doubt.

Although Op isn't missing out by not being able to do the family thing & hopefully he has gone there & stayed there so as not to ruin Op's evening for her.

He would probably find any excuse to sulk if he wanted to.

rwalker · 25/09/2021 21:29

I'd love to see the thread where DH picks his friends over family . You hear the screams in space his priority should be family .

ahagwearsapointybonnet · 25/09/2021 22:14

I can't help wondering whether he was deliberately trying to sabotage you going to the wedding? Either because he didn't want to go (I know you said they're his friends too, but some people still don't like that sort of occasion) - or because he wanted to go on his own and be able to party/flirt/whatever without you? He knew if you went to the family thing it would be likely to wipe you out completely and you wouldn't be able to do anything later, so it does seem a bit suspicious that he was trying to arm-twist you into it...

Lunde · 25/09/2021 23:20

@NCBlossom

Because in a partnership you do think about the other person too, and letting down their family. The OP is being totally selfish. If this had been me, I would at the very least, have had some consideration that I was letting down my partner and dissing his family. It’s an active ‘I don’t care about your family but I do care about my friends’. I’m laughing at so many people saying divorce him over this! Big big overreaction.
Really? So you think that because he is "the man" he gets to decide to bail on her good friends wedding that was RSVPd before the idea of a family day was even mooted

OP and her H accepted the wedding invitation first

OP told her H to avoid arranging his family do on the wedding day was not a good idea - but he did in anyway with no consideration to her prior engagement

OP has a chronic illness that causes fatigue and needs to rest - H wants her to travel 4 hours for his do

A wedding is hopefully a once in a lifetime event - you sound very naive that you think that OP should prioritize the event that her H deliberately booked over her own previosly arranged plans "coz family"

Willyoujustbequiet · 25/09/2021 23:43

I nearly always take the womans side....

I think he has a point tbh. If you are too ill for one...Confused

ILoveYou3000 · 25/09/2021 23:54

@Willyoujustbequiet

I nearly always take the womans side....

I think he has a point tbh. If you are too ill for one...Confused

Someone else who has no concept of living with a chronic illness.

OP warned him in advance, because they'd already accepted the wedding invitation, that the chances of her being able to do both were slim.

pelosi · 26/09/2021 00:05

@Willyoujustbequiet

I nearly always take the womans side....

I think he has a point tbh. If you are too ill for one...Confused

Yes, that emoji is apt, as you do seem to be confused.

OP had already accepted the wedding invitation.
She told her H and in laws that she likely won’t manage to attend their family do and the wedding.
The H and his family strong armed her.
They now can’t complain that what she predicted might happen has happened - she has had a flare-up and needs to prioritise the event she accepted - her friend’s wedding.

PercyPiginaWig · 26/09/2021 00:10

@CamillaRose

Does he often sulk for weeks and threaten to divorce you? Yes. I just ignore him.
Next time take him up on his offer. Seriously. I hope you were able to enjoy the wedding. 💐
ANameChangeAgain · 26/09/2021 00:13

When I first started to read your post I was thinking about the children when they were little, when they were far too ill for school but well enough for after school clubs later.
However reading on it made perfect sense that two events in succession would be too much, and of course the prior arranged wedding has to take priority. I hope you went?

JamaicanJamboree · 26/09/2021 00:25

Presumedly DH (Dickhead Husband) has witnessed the flare up of your chronic illness for himself. I am assuming he doesn’t give a flying fuck about this and is happy to verbally abuse you whilst you suffer and try and guilt trip you.

Have the last laugh OP and go to the wedding and enjoy yourself. Then visit a SHL on Monday.
You are worth much more than anything that pathetic human can offer you.

The best Christmas present you could possibly have is to see the back of him and his vile family.

I hope you soon feel better Flowers

JosiahJosiahKate · 26/09/2021 07:28

@Willyoujustbequiet

I nearly always take the womans side....

I think he has a point tbh. If you are too ill for one...Confused

OP is too ill for TWO, she can manage one.
Why is that so difficult to understand?

DameFanny · 26/09/2021 08:46

For @willyoujustbequiet, @rwalker et Al - butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/ - this is why you can plan for and manage a certain amount of activity when you're chronically ill. And why 'if you're too sick for two you're too sick for one' is ablist bullshit.

rwalker · 26/09/2021 10:42

@DameFanny
The point is OP can only go to one fair enough thats not up for dispute but if a DH picked friends over family he would be slated on her saying his priority should be family not friends, and the you know his priory don't lie with family . If a man did this he would have his arse handed to him .

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