To think DH is a controlling twat

[CamillaRose]

I’ve been really poorly for a couple of days. We’re supposed to be going to visit DH’s family today and going to a friend’s wedding tonight. I got up this morning and said I still feel a bit off colour and attending the family thing all day is too much for me, it’ll wipe me out and I won’t make it to the wedding. So I’m going to stay at home today and rest so I can go to the wedding tonight.

DH has absolutely kicked off and said if I don’t go to the family thing today I won’t be going to the wedding tonight. But I’m too unwell to manage both and I don’t want to miss sharing my friend’s special event. AIBU to think he’s being a controlling twat?

@CamillaRose

Op what will happen when you disobey him? He isn’t violent. He’s just a twat. I don’t know how he thinks he can force me to go to his family event when I’ve said I don’t feel up to it. The 4hr round trip is too much for me right now. Most likely he will just take the huff and refuse to speak to me for days or weeks. He might threaten to kick me out of the house and divorce me.

OP - do your own thing today / tonight and go to your friend's wedding, and then make plans, long term, if need be, on how to live a life away from this draining shit of a man.

Do you normally go to his family do's or do you have a habit of a avoiding them? If there's a backstory of this being the norm then I can see why he would be pissed!

He shouldn’t be the one deciding but sounds like you should be going to neither

@CamillaRose

Op what will happen when you disobey him? He isn’t violent. He’s just a twat. I don’t know how he thinks he can force me to go to his family event when I’ve said I don’t feel up to it. The 4hr round trip is too much for me right now. Most likely he will just take the huff and refuse to speak to me for days or weeks. He might threaten to kick me out of the house and divorce me.

Presumably this has been his reaction before? Giving the silent treatment for weeks because of something you pre-warned him of because of your chronic health condition? Tell him to go fuck himself!

so you will only be there from 11 to 2 anyway?
Yes. I said it was stupid to have the family meet up today when we have to leave about 2-3pm to get home for the wedding. But his family wanted to have it today and he was too much of a dick and a chicken to say no that doesn’t work for us. I don’t want to do a tiring 4hr round trip right before a wedding reception that I’ve been looking forward to.

Does your husband think you are being deliberately awkward since you already said two events in one day is too much and he pushed you into agreeing originally? How is he about accommodations for your condition in general? I know living with someone with a chronic illness can be hard sometimes but he doesn't sound very understanding.

If any man told me what to do like this he would be dumped immediately.

Do you normally go to his family do's or do you have a habit of a avoiding them?
I don’t get on with his family and we aren’t close. They’ve treated me really badly in the past and I avoid contact with them as much as possible. When I said I didn’t feel up to going today he kicked off and said I knew you’d find a reason not to go.

He sounds emotionally abusive with the silent treatment etc. So he is a much bigger problem than today.

Makes it very important that you decide and stick to your ‘boundaries’ for yourself, prioritising yourself.

Sounds like a line in the sand moment to me Op, if you let him dictate to you today then he has no reason to change. Go be happy with your friends, then tell him you're not a child and won't be treated like one

I totally get where you are coming from. Even without a chronic disease I’d have to reserve my energy for an evening wedding. And like you say you can see relatives anytime and it isn’t a particular one-off event like a wedding. Just stay home and then go to the wedding later. YANBU he is being controlling and trying to dominate you. You have my sympathy I recently manage to permanently extricate myself from one of those types.

@CamillaRose

Op what will happen when you disobey him? He isn’t violent. He’s just a twat. I don’t know how he thinks he can force me to go to his family event when I’ve said I don’t feel up to it. The 4hr round trip is too much for me right now. Most likely he will just take the huff and refuse to speak to me for days or weeks. He might threaten to kick me out of the house and divorce me.

Would divorcing him be such a loss?

Do your own thing today —and as soon as you can start doing your own thing for the rest of your life that man is abusive—

He isn’t violent. He’s just a twat. I don’t know how he thinks he can force me to go to his family event when I’ve said I don’t feel up to it. The 4hr round trip is too much for me right now. Most likely he will just take the huff and refuse to speak to me for days or weeks. He might threaten to kick me out of the house and divorce me.

He may not be violent but he is still abusive.

@CamillaRose

Op what will happen when you disobey him? He isn’t violent. He’s just a twat. I don’t know how he thinks he can force me to go to his family event when I’ve said I don’t feel up to it. The 4hr round trip is too much for me right now. Most likely he will just take the huff and refuse to speak to me for days or weeks. He might threaten to kick me out of the house and divorce me.

If this is the case- he's abusive. Eventually you'll stop doing things to keep the peace. More to this than which event to attend.

Yanbu and I hope you still go the wedding, and enjoy it!

I would find that too much anyway - sounds like it would be hard getting ready for the wedding if you would be going straight there from the family get together.

@Aprilx

I think it is up to you. But to be honest I can understand him being annoyed that you can’t see his family but can go to your friends wedding.

The wedding was booked first and OP told twat features she wouldn’t be able to do both so not to agree to the family thing.

If you do go to the family thing (you shouldn’t) I bet he finds lots of reasons not to leave - thus making you late or miss the wedding entirely

Sounds to me like you would have more spoons to spare if your horrible husband and his horrible family weren’t using them up. The stress of it goes so deep. I have chronic health conditions and they didn’t clear up when I left, but they were easier to manage, especially every other weekend!

Oh, and enjoy the wedding!

Hmmm challenging. Of course he is wrong....but.....did you end up saying 'OK we can do both' - you say you can see the family anytime but how often do you really see them?
I have a challenging relationship with the other side of the family (not my IL who are lovely) - put that together with a husband that struggles to communicate and can't pick up a phone to talk to people....and we end up with really awkward timings/dates of events.....and I blame them but actually sometimes it's my husband.....we argue
....but......we actually only see them about twice a year so we make up and I suck it up and go.....for him. Because it means a lot to him. Could this be what's happening with your husband today? (BTW....I don't disagree that the wedding should have the highest priority and you should rest....jist trying to offer his perspective rather than cry LTB...)

Maybe you and he can arrange a date now you can go up again, and he can present that to the family when he's there. (Not your fault if they don't accommodate you....)

He should have booked the family thing for another day. You warned him. Wedding was 1st. Go to the wedding on your own.

When I said I didn’t feel up to going today he kicked off and said I knew you’d find a reason not to go.

So he booked something he knew you wouldn't be able to attend? His own bloody fault then.

Unless he's saying you're lying, in which case he's a dick.

You're an adult, you can choose what you feel able to go to. No way would I have booked a family trip on the same day as a wedding!?

I agree with your DH but not for the same reason.

If you're unwell, then do everyone a favour and don't pass your bug on to everyone else in the evening.

I'm sure a lot of people will know you're ill.

It puts your DH in an awkward position.

"Hi Bob, where's Jane?"

"Oh, she's not well. Wasn't well to make it today but she will come for the reception and infect you all"

The Op has just said she has a chronic condition she lives with, it's not contagious. She's fine to go to the wedding if she's up to it.