Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is a controlling twat

267 replies

CamillaRose · 25/09/2021 07:37

I’ve been really poorly for a couple of days. We’re supposed to be going to visit DH’s family today and going to a friend’s wedding tonight. I got up this morning and said I still feel a bit off colour and attending the family thing all day is too much for me, it’ll wipe me out and I won’t make it to the wedding. So I’m going to stay at home today and rest so I can go to the wedding tonight.

DH has absolutely kicked off and said if I don’t go to the family thing today I won’t be going to the wedding tonight. But I’m too unwell to manage both and I don’t want to miss sharing my friend’s special event. AIBU to think he’s being a controlling twat?

OP posts:
MrsLargeEmbodied · 25/09/2021 08:01

you cant manage both
you decide !

FusionChefGeoff · 25/09/2021 08:01

Completely understand your reasoning and if DH had said something like that to me it would have pushed so many buttons I'd still be screaming at him now

MichelleScarn · 25/09/2021 08:01

Is the wedding an evening only event? Whens the ceremony?

Original poster
CamillaRose · 25/09/2021 08:02

The wedding was booked first and it was only a few weeks ago that they decided to book a family day. When they were discussing dates I said I had a wedding tonight so today wasn’t suitable because two things on the same day would be too much for me. But DH didn’t want to inconvenience everyone else who was saying today was fine for them. So they arranged it for today and DH said you’ll be fine, I’ll drive and you can rest in the car. Well now I’ve had a flare up and as I said in the first place, two things on the same day is too much for me.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 25/09/2021 08:04

I would go to the wedding.

Is it possible to go to the family thing to just show your face and then leave? I would hope his family would understand, and your DH certainly should if you have a chronic illness

DressBitch · 25/09/2021 08:05

I understand what you're saying and a wedding would come first.

I would never let my husband dictate to me what I could or could not do.

Can you get to the wedding without him later, if needs be?

Original poster
CamillaRose · 25/09/2021 08:05

How are you getting to the wedding without him?
I have my own car. But he’s a massive dick if he refuses to go because the couple are his friends too.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 25/09/2021 08:06

@CamillaRose

The wedding was booked first and it was only a few weeks ago that they decided to book a family day. When they were discussing dates I said I had a wedding tonight so today wasn’t suitable because two things on the same day would be too much for me. But DH didn’t want to inconvenience everyone else who was saying today was fine for them. So they arranged it for today and DH said you’ll be fine, I’ll drive and you can rest in the car. Well now I’ve had a flare up and as I said in the first place, two things on the same day is too much for me.
He's an even bigger jackass if he tried to force you to go despite you telling him it'd be too much to do both.
AppleKatie · 25/09/2021 08:06

Op what will happen when you disobey him?

Because either he said something stupid and sinister out of spite and will be feeling a bit silly and apologise in a couple of hours…. Or his reaction will be dangerous to you, in which case yes you’re in controlling/need help to leave territory.

Original poster
CamillaRose · 25/09/2021 08:07

Is it possible to go to the family thing to just show your face and then leave?
No. It’s a 2hr drive there and 2hrs back. Even on a normal day that would be a lot for me and I’d probably be sick in the car.

OP posts:
Strugglingtodomybest · 25/09/2021 08:07

How is he now? Has he calmed down or is he still being a dick?

Original poster
CamillaRose · 25/09/2021 08:09

Is the wedding an evening only event? Whens the ceremony?
They’re having a small family-only ceremony at 5pm to limit the risk from Covid. Then an outdoor reception for more people this evening (outdoors is safer for large groups).

OP posts:
DressBitch · 25/09/2021 08:10

I agree he'd be a massive dick to no-show at a wedding to punish you, but at least he can't physically prevent you from attending.

Dozer · 25/09/2021 08:10

What does he mean ‘won’t be going’? Not his choice!

YANBU to prioritise your health and a wedding over a family meet up.

If he doesn't attend the wedding, letting you down and embarrassing you and incurring costs for the couple, that’d be horrible behaviour.

Him ignoring your original request not to book the family thing today, when you had the wedding, was crap especially when you have a chronic health issue. His reaction to your ‘boundary’ on how much you want to do / not do given your health situation is even worse.

SunshineCake1 · 25/09/2021 08:11

The fact you aren't infectious should have been in the OP.

He 100% does not get to dictate what you do. Go to the wedding. Set out your boundaries.

HighDudgeonAtBerks · 25/09/2021 08:11

He was already a dick for arranging a huge day out on a day you already had plans. I’d be shattered going to a wedding after a family day out - even if I didn’t have a chronic illness too.

Go to the wedding no matter what. Then have a think about why he planned today they way he did and where you are on his priority list.

When you have limited spoons you have to spend them on the right things and there’s nothing wrong with prioritising. A wedding beats a family meet up every time.

Rest this morning. Get glammed up later. Have an amazing time with or without him.

Farwest · 25/09/2021 08:11

Plan to go by yourself if he's being twattish. Glad you can go regardless!

R0tational · 25/09/2021 08:12

He is being unreasonable. 2 hrs there and 2 hrs back so you will only be there from 11 to 2 anyway? And then a wedding? Sounds tiring for someone without illness!! Sorry he is being horrible and trying to ruin the day for everyone.

Original poster
CamillaRose · 25/09/2021 08:13

Op what will happen when you disobey him?
He isn’t violent. He’s just a twat. I don’t know how he thinks he can force me to go to his family event when I’ve said I don’t feel up to it. The 4hr round trip is too much for me right now. Most likely he will just take the huff and refuse to speak to me for days or weeks. He might threaten to kick me out of the house and divorce me.

OP posts:
Dozer · 25/09/2021 08:14

At the time of accepting the recent family invitation he thought it was OK for you, with your health condition, to do 4 hours driving to and from the thing, do the thing, and THEN attend an outdoor, evening thing?

Aprilx · 25/09/2021 08:14

I think it is up to you. But to be honest I can understand him being annoyed that you can’t see his family but can go to your friends wedding.

toomuchlaundry · 25/09/2021 08:14

That sounds more than being a twat to me. Are you serious about his reaction?

Droite · 25/09/2021 08:15

I'm struggling to reconcile your description of being "a bit off colour" with being too ill to be driven somewhere where you will presumably only have to sit around and talk to people - but being well enough to go to a wedding.

MeanyJoany · 25/09/2021 08:15

I think your updates about your illness and the fact you said when the family day was being booked that it would be too much are massive drip feeds that should have been in your op.

This is cut and dry you are right he us wrong and acting like a total knob. Stay at home today, relax and enjoy tonight.

Even without an illness I wouldn't drive a 4 hour round trip, spend a day at an activity and go to a wedding that night. Do his days have more hours that the rest of us? That's way too much for one day and to get ready and look half decent for a wedding

MaxNormal · 25/09/2021 08:16

He might threaten to kick me out of the house and divorce me.

Sounds more like a pleasant promise than a threat. OP he's an arsehole.