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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Which is harder, being a stay at home parent or working full time?

292 replies

guac · 21/09/2021 11:12

I know this will probably vary dependent on the number of children and the type of job. Let's assume the hours of the job and SAHP are Mon to Fri 9-5. Not trying to bash either role by the way, just interested in peoples opinions

OP posts:
Sundancerintherain · 21/09/2021 11:14

I was a SAHM for 10 years then worked FT for 15.
I found SAHM far harder.

Cinderss · 21/09/2021 11:15

Working full time. Because when you finish work, you then have the washing/cleaning/quality time with kids to do when you finish. I’ve done both. I hated being a SAHM, found it boring and restless but found fitting in everything around working full time impossible.

Steeple · 21/09/2021 11:15

In what universe is being a parent, whether you work FT or stay at home, a 9 to 5 job?

RobinPenguins · 21/09/2021 11:15

Mind numbingly, bone crushingly relentless and tiring - SAHP.

Having no spare time, feeling pulled in multiple directions, juggling competing priorities, stressful - working full time.

Which scenario is “harder” than the other depends on the person and the circumstances.

Createdjustforthis · 21/09/2021 11:16

Life runs much smoother for stay at home parents. Cramming in work with life stuff means a lot of household tasks are outsourced or done badly.

I love being able to work but my life would be much much better if I could stay home.

firstimemamma · 21/09/2021 11:16

I worked a job that was physical and far more hours than mon - fri 9-5 and it's definitely a walk in the park compared to being a sahp. I have one easy child. Sahp is 24/7.

Dishwashersaurous · 21/09/2021 11:17

Totally utterly depends. Sahp of 18 month old triplets. Definitely harder.

Surgeon in a &e working shifts, Definitely harder.

Tlollj · 21/09/2021 11:17

Stay at home is far easier. I had 4 I wish I still had them at home now rather than having to go to work.

SummerHouse · 21/09/2021 11:17

Both very challenging. Part time working is, for me, the easiest option. That doesn't answer your question but I think it's unanswerable. If I absolutely had to pick one, I would say working full time. Not for the sheer grind of it but the constant conflicting priorities and guilt. Not the same if you have massive support.

Whaleandsnail6 · 21/09/2021 11:18

I think it's impossible to say really.
Although I am a nurse and I have always found my job harder mentally and physically than being at home with my kids.
I found maternity leave with baby and toddler easier (and more enjoyable than work) I do enjoy my job but would have happily not gone back to work if we didn't need my wage

girlmom21 · 21/09/2021 11:19

I found it easier going back to work after maternity and furlough than I found it being off, but I think that was partly due to the isolation throughout Covid etc. I really missed social interaction.

nc4565 · 21/09/2021 11:19

SAHM. No family help, and a 14 month age gap, plus lockdown with two toddlers.

I'm a SAHM but all my working mum friends say going to work was SO MUCH EASIER than being at home 24/7 with small children.

The dynamic changes when the children are at school though, then being a SAHM is a breeze.

SheABitSpicyToday · 21/09/2021 11:19

Working is harder but more enjoyable. Being a stay at home was the most miserable experience of my life. And I have a very easy well behaved child. It’s just so boring.

JuliaBlackberry · 21/09/2021 11:19

I've done both and found it a hell of a lot easier to be a SAHM

Dishwashersaurous · 21/09/2021 11:21

Work is generally harder because have to do the job plus everything else around it, and multiple pulls on your time.

But being totally at home is a drudge

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/09/2021 11:21

It all depends on what the circumstances are!

Generally speaking

When children are babies or preschoolers - SAHP is harder

When children are at school - working is harder

However a lot depends on whether there’s another parent at home and whether they pull their weight with the “out of hours” work.

pointythings · 21/09/2021 11:21

It completely depends. And for it to be a vaguely sensible question, you should be including commuting in the length of the day, so more than 9-5.

For a lone parent, it's incredibly hard WOH. I'm 'lucky' in that my kids were older teens when I became a lone parent, but I can only imagine how hard it must be with young ones, especially when they are ill and you need time off.
If you're in a relationship and both working, it depends on whether your OH pulls their weight at home and there's a fair division of labour. Sadly, there often isn't - housework is still seen as the woman's job.

Being a SAHM is hard in other ways - I couldn't have done it. You're solely responsible for the house stuff and again, many men take having a partner at home to mean that they don't have to do anything - not even at weekends.

Comedycook · 21/09/2021 11:23

If you have rock solid reliable childcare and money to pay a cleaner than being a wohm is easier

futureghost · 21/09/2021 11:24

Now that depends on how much you like your job, and what interests you have and whether you can do them during school time and how much time you like spending with your kids - so many variables!

I loved going to out to work before lockdown. My job is now permanently home based and I hate it. Its actually destroyed my love of work altogether and I'd happily become a SAHM as I have loads of interests to fill my time. I can't though as I need the money.

MedusasBadHairDay · 21/09/2021 11:24

Suspect it comes down to how well the chores/time are divided outside of the office hours.

If they are unevenly divided then whoever is doing the extra work is going to be struggling more.

It'll also depend on personality. For me I struggled with being a sahp, I do better with work (though if I had a job I hated then that would be different).

SparklyLeprechaun · 21/09/2021 11:24

Working is harder, it's not like you get to put your feet up at 5pm, you still have to do all the house work you would have done during the day.
But SAH is mentally draining, the sheer boredom and repetitiveness of it. I've done it for a year and a half and it was miserable.

ForkedIt · 21/09/2021 11:24

As a sahm - full time working parents definitely have it harder. Sometimes I find it boring / hard work but then I found having an office job boring / hard work at times too! I feel very privileged to live my current life.

I do have a very involved (wfh) husband which helps immensely- just because I am a sahm I am not expected to do every chore and cook every meal.

ditalini · 21/09/2021 11:25

If you have a SAHP then working full time is definitely easier.

If you have a supportive working partner then SAHP is definitely easier.

If you don't have a supportive working partner then SAHP is definitely easier.

If you both work full time but partner doesn't share the load then SAHP is definitely easier.

If you both work full time and have a supportive working partner then it's swings and roundabouts.

Working full time and trying to do all the household stuff and organise all the childcare stuff you can't do yourself cos work, is shit.

I've done a mixture of all of the above. Having a SAHP while I was working full time was the absolute best thing EVER.

Twizbe · 21/09/2021 11:26

I've done both. Both are hard in their own way.

I was way more stressed working full time than I am now being a SAHP though

Mirrorxx · 21/09/2021 11:26

Surely full time working mothers have much more to do. They still have to do housework and look after their children, but with much less time to do it