Which is harder, being a stay at home parent or working full time?

[guac]

I know this will probably vary dependent on the number of children and the type of job. Let's assume the hours of the job and SAHP are Mon to Fri 9-5. Not trying to bash either role by the way, just interested in peoples opinions

I find being at work easier than being home, but my kids are very young - 3 & 1. It's much busier being at work, I'm constantly juggling and failing at everything, but I can't hack the relentlessness of being at home (maternity leave is fresh in my mind!).

I did have a month after each maternity leave with DH at home on shared parental leave while I was at work and that was amazing. So I think easiest is to work full-time with the other parent a SAHP.

It depends how you are as a person and what you like, no two people will be the same.

I've done both and I find SAHM much harder mentally.

I think it depends on the individual. I felt really overwhelmed when I was trying balance a profession job, children and the home, albeit it with the support of DH. While I do sometimes find being at hone dull and uninspiring, I feel much calmer, more myself and in control, and do even when I had a baby and toddler. My best friend in contrast, lives her full-time job and being in lots of committees etc. She loves her children but just get very low if she isn't incredibly busy.

@Mirrorxx

Surely full time working mothers have much more to do. They still have to do housework and look after their children, but with much less time to do it

Well during the time they're working, someone else is feeding their DC and looking after them. I've done both and there's far less housework to do when everyone is out of the house all day

definitely depends on the ages of the kids. Young kids - SAHP, older kids - full time work!

Does it matter? Parenting is hard because it adds a load that wasn’t there before, which either has to be balanced with work in return for paying for childcare, or comes with the compromise of a career break and lower household income. As well as, for either option, all the pros cons mentioned above.

But why does it need to be a competition or need yet another thread about it, unless this is secretly actually about a unique personal situation where Parent A is fighting with Parent B over who gets more free time/money/hobby/whatever:

@Createdjustforthis

Life runs much smoother for stay at home parents. Cramming in work with life stuff means a lot of household tasks are outsourced or done badly.

I love being able to work but my life would be much much better if I could stay home.

I work FT, but managed 5 weeks off over the summer, with dc 9 and 12. Took me about 10 days to relax. Then into it and was really enjoying being at home, meals got cooked, clothes got washed, spent time with the dc, got them to activities, instruments were played… then the tedium set in. Went back to work. On my third day back got caught in hideous traffic, arrived at after school club with seconds to spare, late for football training, forgot to feed the dc until 8pm, dd forgot her piano music for school the next day…. It cuts both ways. (dh was working away last week).

Are you talking about a house with 2 parents? Or a sole parent?

I think for a sole parent working full time must be extremely hard as you have everything to do yourself out of working hours plus childcare etc to juggle.

I think if you are a 2 parent family with one SAHP and one full time working parent, the SAHP has picked up a lot of the household stuff and childcare, making the full time worker's life a lot easier. Yes they may help with bath, bed, dinner when they get home but the bulk of the grunt work of parenting and running the house is done.

Its not the same thing as I've only worked part time once my children arrived but my days at work were much, much less stressful and tiring and far more fulfilling and rewarding than my days at home with toddlers/house stuff. I generally went to work for a rest and socializing (I'm a lawyer).

Ah another MN race to the bottom I see.

They are both hard FFS. It's not like you can just flick a switch off and not be a parent if you work full time, it's also not like you can down tools at the end of the day being a SAHP.

Working full-time. My DH is a SAHD and I go out to work. I'm usually out for 10 hours including commute. When I get in, all I hear is "Mummy!" and my DC just want to be with me. So I go from work to mummy straightaway. Plus I spend my whole weekend with the DC because I haven't seen them in the week and my weekends are also spent doing my share of the cleaning/washing. My DH, on the other hand, gets a break when the DC are at nursery and when I get home from work and then can do his own thing on the weekend.

I feel like my whole life is juggling work and children and house. I'd love time in the day in the week to get things done and then enjoy my weekends.

It depends not just on what your role is, but also whether you have a partner, what role they have, and how they do it. For example if your partner takes care of everything to do with the kids and house while you're at work, and you can just come home and read a story at bed time - I'd suggest that was the easier option. However obviously it's not that easy to stay on top of things, so likely the one working full time would have to come home and then do other things round the house too, which makes it harder.

Staying at home with the kids is just relentless though.

It honestly depends on the kind of person you are, and how you work together with your partner .. not to mention how easy your kids are. Having a kid who can entertain themselves for hours on end must be a dream!

WFT

I’ve done both too.

Anyone who did either of these things in the lockdowns with young children deserves a medal.

But also - both can be hard or easy and depends on so many things. When I was working I only have the one child at full time nursery so it was fine logistically and work was I guess mentally taxing but also a break from parenting.

How hard being a SAHM vs a working parent is obviously depends on a lot

• age of children
• logistics (eg 3 children in 3 schools and 19 weeks of holiday a year?)
• any SEN
• hours the other parent works (are they there at all in the work week?)
• do you have family nearby to help out occasionally.

It’s not one size fits all. It’s ridiculous to judge it and really .. who cares which is harder?

@Littlescottiedog

Working full-time. My DH is a SAHD and I go out to work. I'm usually out for 10 hours including commute. When I get in, all I hear is "Mummy!" and my DC just want to be with me. So I go from work to mummy straightaway. Plus I spend my whole weekend with the DC because I haven't seen them in the week and my weekends are also spent doing my share of the cleaning/washing. My DH, on the other hand, gets a break when the DC are at nursery and when I get home from work and then can do his own thing on the weekend.

I feel like my whole life is juggling work and children and house. I'd love time in the day in the week to get things done and then enjoy my weekends.

Maybe it’s just that the Mum gets the short end of the stick in all cases though? Maybe just being the Mum is harder.

I am a SAHM. When my DH comes through the door it’s usually after bedtime but if he comes home earlier .. yes they are excited to see him for a minute but then they go back to all being about me..
On a weekend we both in theory try to give the other one a break but he can spend an extra hour in bed with the kids unbothered and if I try and do the same they will repeatedly come to find me.

I think full time work is harder in many ways because you still have to do all of the cleaning / cooking etc outside of work hours, plus trying to fit in quality time with your kids etc.

I think being a SAHP can be mentally hard because you’re in your own a lot, have little adult conversation, don’t get any feedback or positive incentives, and have to do quite a lot of drudgery.

For me it was staying at home. I did it for 3 years when DD was little and it was the relentless boredom of it all.

Have done FT, PT, SAHM so feel fairly able to answer from my perspective.

PT (2/3 days) work is always the best, no matter the ages of the kids, gives balance.

FT work is easier than having 3 kids under 4 at home, although the guilt is awful. SAHM is relentless and feels like it never ends, especially when the nights are also wakeful.

FT work is harder when the children are older, less time to manage the house, less time to dedicate to kids homework/emotional challenges and coaxing them to talk. Much more guilt.

Far too many variables to say!

Being a sahm is definitely easier. I'm loving it. Every day is so much fun it feels much more laid back and you're just enjoying time with your little ones. I was working when my 1st was little it was much harder and more stressful trying to fit everything in and I felt like we were always rushing. I didn't really enjoy my job though so I'm sure that didn't help!

I think this is an unfair debate that will make both parties feel like the opposing is looking down on them.

I tried being a SAHM but found it too stressful on my mental health, I felt lonely, bored, like a bit of a work mule. I take my hat off to anyone who can do it. So in my personal situation being a stay at home parent was harder to me, but I also fine working very difficult, the actual work and stress involved is hard, and leaving my little girl at nursery 8:30-5:30 every day breaks my heart in two, but it’s what works best for us as a family unit, and we can’t really afford for me not to work.

Both situations are hard, but we all make the choice in which job we want to do.

I chose occupation over stay at home parenting but I would never assume or claim what I do it’s harder for than the latter.

I would never assume or claim that what I do is harder than the latter* apologies!

My youngest has just started school. I've been SAHM for 9 years. My life is so eeeaaasssyyyy now they are all at school for 6 hours a day.

I volunteer 2 days a week and the rest of the time I'm doing housework/exercise/walking the dog.

Way better than working 9-5 everyday!

Working full time. You still have to do all the rest when you get home.

I've done both and found working FT a breeze compared to relentlessness of being at home with small children.