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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Which is harder, being a stay at home parent or working full time?

292 replies

guac · 21/09/2021 11:12

I know this will probably vary dependent on the number of children and the type of job. Let's assume the hours of the job and SAHP are Mon to Fri 9-5. Not trying to bash either role by the way, just interested in peoples opinions

OP posts:
Pyewackect · 21/09/2021 15:10

I lasted 12 weeks at home before my brain started at atrophy.

Sunshineandflipflops · 21/09/2021 15:10

I think that's impossible to answer as it depends greatly on the job and the person. I have never been or wanted to be a SAHM as I would find it mentally unstimulating and I worked hard to get a career I enjoyed. The thought of spending my days cleaning and food shopping when the dc are at school when I could be doing something I enjoy and earning money for it just doesn't make sense to me. Having said that, working, juggling drop offs/pick ups/clubs as well as cleaning and shopping and everything else you have to remember is hard. I always worked part time which felt like a good balance of the two for me.

Neither is right or wrong or hard or easy - it's what works for you and your family.

Kljnmw3459 · 21/09/2021 15:15

I find being a SAHM much more difficult and demanding than working. At least work gives you breaks.

Elephantsparade · 21/09/2021 15:18

I think its hard not having the times, resources or support to do what you need to do to keep everyone health and safe. If someone is finding things hard they find it hard. There are so many variables and its not a competition.

Sceptre86 · 21/09/2021 15:21

I always find these kind of posts hard to understand. Everyone will have different viewpoints as shown above. What matters is how you feel and your circumstances so surely you would look inwards and discuss with your partner if you found yourself in this situation.

For myself we need me to work to pay the bills. If dh goes up the next pay grade there will be less flexibility in his role and i would need to be a sahm so this isn't a route we would consider at the moment. I'm happy to do so as I love my job and have a good balance working part time. I enjoy my children and am currently on maternity leave with my 2 week old. This time around I have signed up to baby classes near where I live and am looking forward to getting to know other local mums and better yet just getting out. Previously I have not been able to do so and I found my prior maternity leaves very isolating and mind numbing. I don't think either is easy or hard and depends a lot on the family dynamics, share of chores, free time, finances and personalities as well as whether you have a job or career that you enjoy.

BoredZelda · 21/09/2021 15:25

Really "just interested" eh? I doubt that.

It is a question with no actual answer, dependent on way more factors than you have noted, and the only outcome here is to piss off parents in either group when the other decides they are inferior.

OldkermitSippingtea · 21/09/2021 16:02

I don't think anyone can make a sweeping statement as to which is definitely harder than the other. It can only be what you found harder (assuming you've done both), and this would depend on your circumstances and many other variables. You really can't compare with anyone else.

PoolNooodle · 21/09/2021 16:05

Staying at home is easier and I say that As a lone parent to 4 kids!

maddening · 21/09/2021 16:06

If dc are in school and no SEN or disabilities then sahp is much easier imo.

Notdoingthis · 21/09/2021 16:08

I had three children in four years, so mat leave with three under school age. I had no family nearby and I bloody loved every minute. I squeezed 14 months mat leave + parental leave to make the most of it.
Now I am back part time teaching and for me it is many times harder than being at home with my kids. I love the holidays!

DeepaBeesKit · 21/09/2021 16:13

I spent 15 m on maternity leave when Dc 2/3, and 0/1. It was much much easier than my usual job, I had far more time for cleaning, housework and family admin, which then meant once the children had gone to bed in the evening I had time for myself. At times it was dull and lacking adult company, but it was far calmer and less stressful.

I now work 4 days a week (DC 4 &2). Its much harder. Because DH and I are at work all day, we have to fit in batch cooking, cleaning, and life admin in the evenings and have little time. We also have to fit in any extra curricular activities & homework on the weekend.

It's worth it though - the financial stability we get from both working is something we value. Also me staying in work has opened opportunities to work flexibly that are now really bearing fruit.

sqirrelfriends · 21/09/2021 16:18

Both are hard. Working full time sucks because then you still have to do all the chores in the evening or weekend and being a SAHP is mentally draining (until they go to school and you can have kind of life again).

Goldbar · 21/09/2021 16:20

I think working and having a SAHP who does 90-95% of the home shit would be the best option...

Some men seem to achieve this but very few women.

londonrach · 21/09/2021 16:20

depends on your job....in my case working in the office it's easier to work ft...working physical job it's easier being sahm. But everyone different...some find work easier than being sahm.

ufucoffee · 21/09/2021 16:22

I've been both. Sahm piece of piss. Working full time with children and being a single parent is much harder.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 21/09/2021 16:39

I've done both and working is harder, but I am a single parent so have to do everything around the house myself as well as work.

Mary46 · 21/09/2021 16:44

Ft is hard found I chased my tail. Loads do in the evenings. Zero downtime.
Sahm hard with kiddies. Bit calmer once all in school. Part T ideal.

doadeer · 21/09/2021 16:46

Stay at home parent much harder I think. The work day flies by for me it's so much more varied.

Nonicknamesforcatapillars · 21/09/2021 16:54

This is one goady thread. But as it’s already here I’ll play.

Brings SAHM is by no stretch of the imagination harder than working full time and still being a full time parent. Yes it can be relentless and thankless when they are very small, but once they’re at school you have all day to yourself. Even before they go to school you have time. You can do things in your own time. You can stay in your pjs and potter about doing bit of house work here and there as you choose. You can watch this morning on the sofa with some toast and a cuppa. Yes you may crave more adult interaction and your brain may be under stimulated, but that isn’t hard work IMO.

If you’re at work full time. The morning is a rush, kids to be clothed, fed etc. Out the door for drop offs. Whole day at work, home, yea, bath bed. Try to fit in home work and a bit of house work to keep things ticking over. At weekends you have all the jobs you couldn’t get done in the week because you were at work to sort as well as trying to spend some quality time with your DC. It’s so much harder.

The best woods probably be working 2-3 days a week. That way you get adult interaction time, but also more time for life stuff and quality time with your DC.

Nonicknamesforcatapillars · 21/09/2021 16:55

Sorry for all the typos!!

AllieTM · 21/09/2021 16:58

I’ve done both.

Being a stay at home parent to a baby and a two year old - incredibly hard work.

Being a stay at home parent to two school age children - much much easier than working full time.

And that is only based on my experience. There are two many nuances (health of children/parent, additional needs, financial situation etc).

Vargas · 21/09/2021 17:00

For me: before school age SAHP was very hard and I would love to have been at work at least part time. But I couldn't bear to leave my kids with someone else, and DH works ridiculous hours and is scarcely home before 8pm M-F so I would have had to do work + most of the parenting.

After school age, actually probably after about Y2 (mine seemed to be constantly ill in Reception and Y1) then I would say SAHP was easier. Although of course there are the holidays....

Now I work part-time and have teenagers, and life is very good!

JoborPlay · 21/09/2021 17:00

I would find being a SAHP harder. I find parenting generally very hard and labourious. I enjoy my job, I'm good at it and it gives me a sense of self worth and to be 'me' that parenting doesn't.

Additionally, I find the house much easier to keep on top of when we aren't all in it all day!

FindingMeno · 21/09/2021 17:01

Depends on how much outside help you get.
Working, whether full or part time, is definitely harder when you have to do everything at home yourself on top of work hours, and plan childcare.

Comedycook · 21/09/2021 17:08

@Nonicknamesforcatapillars

This is one goady thread. But as it’s already here I’ll play.

Brings SAHM is by no stretch of the imagination harder than working full time and still being a full time parent. Yes it can be relentless and thankless when they are very small, but once they’re at school you have all day to yourself. Even before they go to school you have time. You can do things in your own time. You can stay in your pjs and potter about doing bit of house work here and there as you choose. You can watch this morning on the sofa with some toast and a cuppa. Yes you may crave more adult interaction and your brain may be under stimulated, but that isn’t hard work IMO.

If you’re at work full time. The morning is a rush, kids to be clothed, fed etc. Out the door for drop offs. Whole day at work, home, yea, bath bed. Try to fit in home work and a bit of house work to keep things ticking over. At weekends you have all the jobs you couldn’t get done in the week because you were at work to sort as well as trying to spend some quality time with your DC. It’s so much harder.

The best woods probably be working 2-3 days a week. That way you get adult interaction time, but also more time for life stuff and quality time with your DC.

I totally disagree...it's depends on so many factors...number and age of kids, financial situation, family help, supportive husband, sen etc

A sahm with three kids under 5 at home all day will have a much tougher time than a wohm who has one child and lots of family help.

A sahm of school age children will have a much easier life than a wohm with several kids who relies on wrap around care and holiday clubs.

Just so many variables really.

The hardest part I found of working when I had DC was the commute and worrying about whether I'd be able to pick up my DC at the end of the day.