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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex not seeing DC due to new baby

306 replies

chickendinnertonight · 05/08/2021 16:29

My ex's partner is being induced next week. They've been told baby will be in neo natal for a 3-4 weeks as being born 7 weeks early, so will need to be monitored before being allowed to go home. Ex has text me and has cancelled all contact with our DC for the 2, possibly 3 weeks after baby is born. DC doesn't go more than 5 days without seeing ex usually.

I fully appreciate it's going to be a difficult time with his partner and baby being in hospital for a few weeks, but AIBU in thinking there's no reason he has to cancel absolutely all contact for the 2/3 weeks after the baby is born? I haven't replied to my ex yet.

OP posts:
Lulu1919 · 05/08/2021 16:31

Mmmm
I think I'd reply along the lines of how you understand how worrying it must be etc etc but could he at least pop in once a week at least just to say hello or take them for a Mac Donald's etc IF the baby remains stable ???

ActonSquirrel · 05/08/2021 16:31

Really? You wouldn't spend every day with a premature baby if it was you?

ShaaaaaalAhLah · 05/08/2021 16:32

I understand its a difficult time and stressful time for both your ex and his partner.

But I don't see the need to cancel all contact with your DC. its not like they are going to be staying at the Neo Natal for the next 3 weeks with the baby.

Maybe cant deal with the whole responsibility of having your DC overnight - makes sense. But make having them for a few contacts and not cancelling contact all together seems very unreasonable!

Wizzbangfizz · 05/08/2021 16:32

Yanbu, I think that is far too long and send exactly the wrong message to his children. I'm sure some kind of compromise can be reached whereby he sees them and it plans need to change then you can help/accommodate.

Morechocolatethanbarbara · 05/08/2021 16:33

Well he wouldn't be able to do that if he was still with you and you had a 2nd child together would he?

Obviously it's going to be a difficult time for your ex and his partner but it's also going to be a very difficult time for your DC getting used to a sibling who lives with daddy 100% of the time.

How is he explaining his absence to your joint child or is he expecting you to do that?

30degreesandmeltinghere · 05/08/2021 16:33

Surely from a Covid point of view alone he is definitely doing the right thing...
Get the dc to draw pics and cards etc for their new sibling ..

MushMonster · 05/08/2021 16:36

Come on, give him some space here!
Surely he will call them.
If things go well he may see them, and send pics of new sibling.
They just need this time to care for the little one and the mother. Show some support.

Recessed · 05/08/2021 16:37

Does the new partner have existing DC? Can't imagine she would go three weeks without seeing them if she does. YANBU. Another useless one by the sounds of things. Sad for your DC too to be cast aside for the new child but hopefully he's just stressing in anticipation and will see sense.

ElizaDoolots · 05/08/2021 16:37

How is he explaining his absence to your joint child or is he expecting you to do that?

I’d be tempted to ask him this question to help understand his reasoning, and to start a conversation to get him to consider the message that he is sending to his DC.

I know it’s a stressful time for him but you can’t just put your children on pause. Is he at least planning to have phone/video calls during this time?

SleepingStandingUp · 05/08/2021 16:38

If they're inducing that early there's obv a worry beyond just being early so I'd try and be understanding until baby is out and stable.

Depending on childs age, Daddy has to be with the baby as baby os poorly in hospital might work with a dew video chats. How far is he from you / hospital to make dinner ince a week viable?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 05/08/2021 16:39

@ActonSquirrel

Really? You wouldn't spend every day with a premature baby if it was you?
What do you think people with previous children together do if they have a baby being kept in hospital for whatever reason.

Maybe cant deal with the whole responsibility of having your DC overnight - makes sense.

No, it doesn't really. You can't just forget about your other children.

Very unfair of him to just cut contact with his older child. I've had a baby in hospital before. I didn't refuse to see my eldest child until he got home, and my partner (not his dad looked after him at home, while I was in hospital with partners baby (that's happened twice).

Cocomade · 05/08/2021 16:39

He needs this time with partner and new baby.
I wouldn't be pissed about this but I'd show support.
Depending how baby is, being induced 7 weeks early there is more than likely a high risk of something see how things go over the couple of weeks after birth he could pop in etc.

icedcoffees · 05/08/2021 16:40

YANBU.

You can't just opt out of being a parent.

clickychicky · 05/08/2021 16:40

Baby is clearly going to be poorly. I'd cut him some slack as I would expect him to take the DC for as long as needed if you were in a similar situation. It would be good if he could Skype or meet his children safely outdoors if covid is an issue

Original poster
chickendinnertonight · 05/08/2021 16:42

To answer a few questions -

Ex already has a child with his partner which was also born early, but he didn't not see DC for quite so long that time.

Ex's partner has a DC as well. Both these children are going to partners Mum for the 2/3 weeks.

Baby is large already so that's why she is being induced (same happened to their last baby).

No mention of phone calls / face times with my DC.

OP posts:
Scottishskifun · 05/08/2021 16:42

There is a very good reason to cancel seeing your DCs which is a baby in a neonatal unit who will be extremely vulnerable to everything and pretty much have no immune system.

I get that it's potentially upsetting for your children but it just needs to be explained properly.
Any cold or illness (covid aside) can be life threatening to a premie baby and children naturally pick up colds and illnesses like anything!

Its 2-3 weeks not months!

Original poster
chickendinnertonight · 05/08/2021 16:43

Oh and he doesn't really 'believe' in Covid so that's not an issue for him.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 05/08/2021 16:44

People I know who've had babies that early and had complications have often called in family support to help look after existing children because it's a stressful time for many.

Knowing your child will be brought that early must mean there's concerns about mum, baby or both so in this situation I'd play it by ear, not tie any definite plans either way and see what happens.

LolaSmiles · 05/08/2021 16:45

Cross posted with your update. They're keeping all children out the way, which is fair and makes sense

NoCallerID · 05/08/2021 16:45

It's not only about the new baby, it's also about their mum. Have you ever been in a position where you worry about your child's life to an extent where you simply cannot be left alone because your anxious, not to mention recovering from a birth? A premature baby at this gestation has a very good chance, but the worry these two (mum and dad) must be carrying with them, you won't know unless you've been exactly where they are. Cut him some slack. Maybe he doesn't want this worry and fear to be picked up by your shared DC.
Plus from a Covid point of view he is definitely doing the right thing too.
I'd just ask him to make sure he FaceTimes daily/every other day.

Original poster
chickendinnertonight · 05/08/2021 16:46

Sorry I should have been clearer - he is sharing the care of his other DC with his partners Mum. They will be with her the majority of the time but will still have them occasionally during those weeks. Which is why I'm confused as to why he won't have our DC.

OP posts:
burningfire · 05/08/2021 16:47

Given that her children will also be going to her mums for a few weeks it clearly isn't personal. I'd just message with a supportive message and ask if he could facetime throughout the weeks so your child still feels included in his life. There's no pressure on anyone then.

AlmostSummer21 · 05/08/2021 16:48

How old is your DC?

Mammyofasuperbaby · 05/08/2021 16:48

You clearly have no idea what it's like to have a premature baby during covid. Depending on the hospital they may only have very strict visiting slot to see baby and if anyone so much as gets the slightest sign of illness - even a mild cold - they will be banned from the nicu and can't see their child.
I know its awful from your perspective but I'd seriously back off and let it be. If he's normally a good and present dad then it's unlikely it's going to change.
I'm saying this as a mother of a 33 weeker born 5 years ago and spent 5 weeks in the nicu and also a the mother of a very sick 36 weeker born during the pandemic and i didn't see my eldest for a month because of that.
It's s tempory thing that is to protect their baby and the others on the unit. Having a premature baby is scary enough, don't make it worse for them

Jemimia · 05/08/2021 16:49

Even if baby is big- at that gestation it’s lungs are going to be immature still.

I would cut them some slack some ask ex to ring your joint child and explain, as they no doubt have to the other children.