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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex not seeing DC due to new baby

306 replies

chickendinnertonight · 05/08/2021 16:29

My ex's partner is being induced next week. They've been told baby will be in neo natal for a 3-4 weeks as being born 7 weeks early, so will need to be monitored before being allowed to go home. Ex has text me and has cancelled all contact with our DC for the 2, possibly 3 weeks after baby is born. DC doesn't go more than 5 days without seeing ex usually.

I fully appreciate it's going to be a difficult time with his partner and baby being in hospital for a few weeks, but AIBU in thinking there's no reason he has to cancel absolutely all contact for the 2/3 weeks after the baby is born? I haven't replied to my ex yet.

OP posts:

clickychicky · 05/08/2021 17:04

@chickendinnertonight yeah I get that. Like he has made a difficult decision and you can be as sympathetic as possible but leaving you to do the hard bit in terms of telling DS is a dick move. Can you ask him to explain it to him?

Original poster

chickendinnertonight · 05/08/2021 17:05

@IWantT0BreakFree I think this is another part of my frustration, being the 'default parent'. Because ex has cancelled all this contact time, I will now have to use annual leave to cover the days he is no longer having DC. I'm not a monster, and I totally understand how scary it will be, but ex would NEVER do the same for me.

OP posts:

icedcoffees · 05/08/2021 17:06

I get that but the baby is the priority for these few weeks.

Baby can be the priority, but that doesn't have to come at the expense of ALL contact with his existing children.

ByWayOf · 05/08/2021 17:07

"I see. Please can you let me know how and when you're planning to explain this to them so that I can be prepared to answer any follow up questions they may have?"

I'd be tempted to add "including why you will be continuing to see your other DC but not them" but I would (just about) refrain.

Marmitemarinaded · 05/08/2021 17:07

[quote chickendinnertonight]@IWantT0BreakFree I think this is another part of my frustration, being the 'default parent'. Because ex has cancelled all this contact time, I will now have to use annual leave to cover the days he is no longer having DC. I'm not a monster, and I totally understand how scary it will be, but ex would NEVER do the same for me. [/quote]
Well then op
You put this to him.
You have a discussion. An adult one.

You explain what this means for you and how he can repay in kind in future.

Say you want to be supportive but it can’t be one sided

IWantT0BreakFree · 05/08/2021 17:08

@chickendinnertonight I would 100% not be using annual leave. Just tell him you’ll do what you can (if that’s what you intend) but he will need to make alternative arrangements for the dates/times you are working.
He’s got some time to sort it out. This is not your responsibility. He can either ask a relative or pay for childcare.

MrsMiddleMother · 05/08/2021 17:08

Yanbu. You can't just not see your other kids, no matter how poorly your newborn is. I'd understand if it's hospital policy to self isolate, reduce contact etc but if its entirely his choice I don't think it's right.

Marmitemarinaded · 05/08/2021 17:08

How old is your DC?

Original poster

chickendinnertonight · 05/08/2021 17:09

Again, another frustration, ex has a trip away booked with his friends at the beginning of September, which he is apparently planning to go on still.

Maybe I just need to relax and just see what happens the next few weeks. He may surprise me.

OP posts:

Fernando072020 · 05/08/2021 17:09

I understand it's a difficult position but as he's occasionally looking after his partners child and his other child with partner, there really is no reason why he can't see your son even for a few hours once a week?

I mean, what's that telling his son?

Doyoumind · 05/08/2021 17:10

I've some relevant personal experience and I think he is being unreasonable. It's a difficult time for children when a new DC arrives and sending out a signal they are less important than the new arrival is harmful, particularly if he still has time for his step DC. He doesn't need to be there 24/7 and wouldn't be encouraged to be anyway. It is stressful having a child in NICU but life does need to go on and there are ways of seeing his DS that won't pose a risk to the newborn, especially if he's spending time with the other children.

PerhapsCarriageGreen · 05/08/2021 17:10

Is it not possibly because the neonatal unit want to limit his contact with anyone outside?

You may have to be the one to suggest it, but surely a daily FaceTime or similar would be nice. He may even be able to introduce the new step sibling that way.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 05/08/2021 17:10

I’d get him to tell then why he is not seeing them but will see the others. I’d certainly not be covering his days, he books childcare for them. Would be very different if he helped out the other wy but as he doesn’t then don’t do it for him.

Everydayimhuffling · 05/08/2021 17:10

I would tell him that he needs to explain to DC, and ask abouthis plans for contact e.g. taking DC for supper, facetiming, phoning.

I have had a baby staying in hospital twice during Covid for over a week, with the rule changes that have resulted. I still spoke to my other DC every day even though I wasn't able to leave hospital to see her really. He needs to make some kind of plan about contact, not just abandon his child and leave you to explain.

Marmitemarinaded · 05/08/2021 17:11

@chickendinnertonight

Again, another frustration, ex has a trip away booked with his friends at the beginning of September, which he is apparently planning to go on still.

Maybe I just need to relax and just see what happens the next few weeks. He may surprise me.

That is not how to handle this

Waiting to see if you are surprised.

I am divorced and very amicable generally with my ex. We talk, discuss, negotiate, argue, compromise. Sometimes even over a coffee.

But no point hoping for a surprise - whatever that would be.

Dozer · 05/08/2021 17:14

Doubt the nhs induces babies at 33 weeks due to large size. Presume there’re other reasons you’ve not been told.

Pretty crap of your ex to still plan a trip away. If he’s so worried about his existing and new DC he wouldn’t be doing that.

Not a lot you can do, unfortunately.

Marmitemarinaded · 05/08/2021 17:17

@Dozer

Doubt the nhs induces babies at 33 weeks due to large size. Presume there’re other reasons you’ve not been told.

Pretty crap of your ex to still plan a trip away. If he’s so worried about his existing and new DC he wouldn’t be doing that.

Not a lot you can do, unfortunately.

There will be.

Not a cats chance in hell they’d induce at 33 because of large size.

NailsNeedDoing · 05/08/2021 17:17

What a cock your ex is!

Covid or no covid, the baby won’t know or care whether their Dad is there or not, but his six year old will. There is no excuse for abandoning a child for that long when there are easy alternative options. The man sounds like a prize bellend and I’m sorry that your poor son and you have to deal with that.

StrangeToSee · 05/08/2021 17:17

He needs to put the new baby and his partner first in this scenario, it sounds like a very stressful time.

EatWellStayFitDieAnyway · 05/08/2021 17:19

Having a premature baby is scary enough, don't make it worse for them This. Choose your battles. My youngest was very very ill in hospital. My oldest had a wonderful time with his grandparents on both sides and I saw him for tea times when I felt strong enough to not collapse into a mess in front of my son. That's what I'd offer to your child's father phrasing it "if you feel up to seeing X at tea time or video calls etc just let me know".

I felt guilty enough as it was. If someone had suggested I was a bad parent for doing what I did it might have been the thing to tip me over the edge.

IGuessIdProbablyBeAnne · 05/08/2021 17:20

It’s tricky isn’t it.

I’ve had 2 premature babies - 32 weeks and 33 weeks. Both healthy. It’s terrifying. It’s so hard being separated from your baby, it’s awful. You can’t control who sees them, other parents rightly visiting their babies could bring in infection/germs, you have no control over anything. But this is one thing that they can control - taking your DC out of the equation for a couple of weeks. It’s not nice, and will take a lot of effort on their part to make sure your DC feel included - photos, facetime with baby? And it must be hard for you too, worrying about your DC, but I’m sure it will be appreciated if you can support them. Best wishes OP.

2bazookas · 05/08/2021 17:21

He and his partner may be limiting ALL social contact for medical reasons, to avoid any chance of transferring infection/covid to a very vulnerable baby. There may be some scary reason for the early delivery that's inducing such fear in the new mum they can't face telling anyone what might go wrong.

Once it is born, if all goes well they might feel safe enough to relax their little lockdown.

At any rate, I would explain it to your own child : Daddy and Stepmum have to isolate because the baby is not well and had to get born early. They are having a little hospital lockdown to keep baby safe until he's big enough to meet you.

3scape · 05/08/2021 17:21

He has a child already that he can't just ignore for a couple of months, that is hugely damaging for the child. Lots of people have to struggle juggling a baby in neo and a young child. He ll need to up.his parenting game with multiple children.

nocturnalcatfreetogoodhome · 05/08/2021 17:22

I see why he would wish to reduce custody to an extent, these are extreme circumstances, but he cannot just shirk his responsibility to his other child.

Send him a - fine to change the schedule for the next few weeks, hope partner is doing OK. But I'm sure you agree 'Jack' will really struggle having absolutely no contact with you. Can you not take him out for tea a couple of times or out to the park for an hour? You're welcome round here for a brew to spend some time with him. If not, are you able to at least planning to facetime and call him?

EatWellStayFitDieAnyway · 05/08/2021 17:23

I did face time/call my son multiple times a day also before everyone decided I'm a terrible mother!

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