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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex not seeing DC due to new baby

306 replies

chickendinnertonight · 05/08/2021 16:29

My ex's partner is being induced next week. They've been told baby will be in neo natal for a 3-4 weeks as being born 7 weeks early, so will need to be monitored before being allowed to go home. Ex has text me and has cancelled all contact with our DC for the 2, possibly 3 weeks after baby is born. DC doesn't go more than 5 days without seeing ex usually.

I fully appreciate it's going to be a difficult time with his partner and baby being in hospital for a few weeks, but AIBU in thinking there's no reason he has to cancel absolutely all contact for the 2/3 weeks after the baby is born? I haven't replied to my ex yet.

OP posts:
catndogslife · 05/08/2021 18:02

YABU
It's fairly standard for children living with a parent full time to be the only ones allowed to visit when a baby is in a neonatal unit even without COVID.

Wolframhart · 05/08/2021 18:07

When I was a young child, my toddler sister was desperately ill and hospitalized. She needed a parent with her at all times to keep her content because she had to stay in an oxygen tent and even while unwell this was very hard for a toddler to comply with. I barely saw my parents for weeks. It was very stressful on a very young child who understood how serious the situation was and that was without any new siblings or blended family on the mix.

I think I would push back and say you understand pausing overnights for now, but suggest a couple of daytime visits a week.

Icantrememberthenameoftheartis · 05/08/2021 18:11

I think YABU

If he’s ‘reliable’ and been a ‘good dad’ up until now then I think it’s understandable he wants to focus on his DP and their new baby who will be in neo-natal. It must be a very worrying time for them.

If I was in your shoes I would send a message saying you understand and wish his DP and the new baby well, and your DC look forward to meeting their new brother/sister once they’re home.

Ozanj · 05/08/2021 18:14

@Wolframhart

When I was a young child, my toddler sister was desperately ill and hospitalized. She needed a parent with her at all times to keep her content because she had to stay in an oxygen tent and even while unwell this was very hard for a toddler to comply with. I barely saw my parents for weeks. It was very stressful on a very young child who understood how serious the situation was and that was without any new siblings or blended family on the mix.

I think I would push back and say you understand pausing overnights for now, but suggest a couple of daytime visits a week.

Stories like this make me respect my DB even more. He chose not to visit really sick premie DN at hospital so he could look after elder DN, while sil lived in hospital for over a month. They worked so hard and it was really difficult (DB would break down constantly to me over the phone) but I guess it was worth it as the eldest didn’t even notice there was a problem.
saraclara · 05/08/2021 18:15

Ex has text me and has cancelled all contact with our DC for the 2, possibly 3 weeks after baby is born.

Presumably that means that he's cancelled the usual contact days. Which sounds reasonable given that, as I said before, it will be hard to know exactly when he'll be available and when he'll be at the hospital.

As his MIL has the other child, he can presumably be more flexible about seeing that DC.

Have you actually asked him to pop round to see your DC when he can, OP? Unless you've reported the text inaccurately, I don't see that him cancelling the usual contact days means that he's refusing to see your DC's at all during those 2-3 weeks.

nothanksbarb · 05/08/2021 18:16

I think you need clarity on -

Who's telling the dc, because it's not your job.

When's your ex going to be in contact with dc over FaceTime etc.

Your ex sounds like a total knob, but I think you need to go in gently gently with this one as if he feels 'forced' to see DC he could dig his heels in and refuse more. Also a prem baby is a very emotive thing, and you don't want to risk looking like you're not being understanding because that's how he'll spin it.

nocoolnamesleft · 05/08/2021 18:21

There's no way they're inducing at that gestation for just being a big baby. There are more problems than they are telling you.

Lachimolala · 05/08/2021 18:22

I’ve actually been through almost exactly this but in reverse with my ex H, I was the new partner with poorly baby etc.

What we did was ask SD mum if she’d be happy to have SD for the week (she was) and my son went to my mums, from then we took it in turns to stay my baby. So 2 days me and 2 days ex etc that way neither of us went too long without seeing our child and also got some rest from the hospital etc.

In that first week we facetime SD and DS twice each (if I’m remembering correctly!) point to that ramble is that having a new baby is difficult for olde children, especially SC I think 3 weeks without dad would be quite upsetting for your son and really I think dad could make some more of an effort to see him in some capacity.

Previous children can’t be ignored or paused for new ones, I’m sure there’s a solution to this that ensures the older children won’t be so shunted out.

PurpleMustang · 05/08/2021 18:24

He should be making an effort to spend some time with his child. And he should be sorting/covering the cost of care so you don't take annual leave.

hattmancockk · 05/08/2021 18:27

How old are your dc?

He would be reasonable to say it will be difficult for him for the next few weeks.

But it would be reasonable for you to understand and explain to the children that sometimes other people may be in more need/more vulnerable and shit situations happen but it won't be forever.

What about FaceTime?

funinthesun19 · 05/08/2021 18:28

Ex's partner has a DC as well. Both these children are going to partners Mum for the 2/3 weeks.

So she’s sorted childcare out for her children/the child they have together and they won’t see them. Her/their children are in exactly the same boat as yours here remember that.

And he’s trying to see if dc can stay with you for those weeks. He’s doing pretty much the same thing as she’s done for her children.

If you say no, can your dc stay with his parents the same way his partner’s child is staying with her parents? Does he have family who will help?

I think they both sound very responsible sorting out in advance where their existing children will be during that time.
If my ex had a baby in these circumstances, I would 100% have my children. But that’s just me.

Maggiesfarm · 05/08/2021 18:29

Even if he doesn't have your child for those weeks he should at least pop round and seem them regularly. He isn't going to be at the hospital 24/7.

lastcall · 05/08/2021 18:29

@ActonSquirrel

Really? You wouldn't spend every day with a premature baby if it was you?
No, not if I had other children as well. Their needs don't disappear and he won't be incapacitated himself.

Hospital won't let them both stay in anyway, especially during covid. They'll be lucky if she gets to stay with the baby.

twinningatlife · 05/08/2021 18:31

YABU it's 3 weeks not 3 months

Highly doubt they are inducing that early for a "big" baby - otherwise it wouldn't require a NICU stay

My babies were 6-7 weeks early and in NICU for 3 weeks. DH was needed on hand to run me to and from the hospital daily - babies can be moved anywhere in the country and I mean anywhere - hundreds of miles at the moment due to the "baby boom" as you can't be guaranteed that where you give birth has neo natal beds and babies can be transferred at any time if sicker babies need the beds so he could end up having a long trip/staying in hotels

Not to mention the risk of covid. If either parent catches it or has to self isolate that's it - you don't see the baby for 10 days - imagine being a new mother yourself and being forcibly separated from your newborn

Your post has hints of sour grapes to be honest as if you are bing obstructive just because he has moved on and had a second family? I'm sure that's not the case just the way it has come across

lastcall · 05/08/2021 18:31

I'd tell him while you sympathise, those are his days and he'll have to pay for childare/summer camps/ childminder for them since you'll be working and those aren't your days to cover or pay for.

Like every other parent in the world.

nevergoesaway · 05/08/2021 18:32

@funinthesun19

Ex's partner has a DC as well. Both these children are going to partners Mum for the 2/3 weeks.

So she’s sorted childcare out for her children/the child they have together and they won’t see them. Her/their children are in exactly the same boat as yours here remember that.

And he’s trying to see if dc can stay with you for those weeks. He’s doing pretty much the same thing as she’s done for her children.

If you say no, can your dc stay with his parents the same way his partner’s child is staying with her parents? Does he have family who will help?

I think they both sound very responsible sorting out in advance where their existing children will be during that time.
If my ex had a baby in these circumstances, I would 100% have my children. But that’s just me.

Op said he will be seeing his other children during this time.
nevergoesaway · 05/08/2021 18:33

@twinningatlife

YABU it's 3 weeks not 3 months

Highly doubt they are inducing that early for a "big" baby - otherwise it wouldn't require a NICU stay

My babies were 6-7 weeks early and in NICU for 3 weeks. DH was needed on hand to run me to and from the hospital daily - babies can be moved anywhere in the country and I mean anywhere - hundreds of miles at the moment due to the "baby boom" as you can't be guaranteed that where you give birth has neo natal beds and babies can be transferred at any time if sicker babies need the beds so he could end up having a long trip/staying in hotels

Not to mention the risk of covid. If either parent catches it or has to self isolate that's it - you don't see the baby for 10 days - imagine being a new mother yourself and being forcibly separated from your newborn

Your post has hints of sour grapes to be honest as if you are bing obstructive just because he has moved on and had a second family? I'm sure that's not the case just the way it has come across

I didn’t get any hint of sour grapes whatsoever, it’s interesting how posts can come across so differently to different people!
nocturnalcatfreetogoodhome · 05/08/2021 18:33

@funinthesun19

Ex's partner has a DC as well. Both these children are going to partners Mum for the 2/3 weeks.

So she’s sorted childcare out for her children/the child they have together and they won’t see them. Her/their children are in exactly the same boat as yours here remember that.

And he’s trying to see if dc can stay with you for those weeks. He’s doing pretty much the same thing as she’s done for her children.

If you say no, can your dc stay with his parents the same way his partner’s child is staying with her parents? Does he have family who will help?

I think they both sound very responsible sorting out in advance where their existing children will be during that time.
If my ex had a baby in these circumstances, I would 100% have my children. But that’s just me.

OP said he's sharing custody of them with his Mother in law. He's looking after her kids but not his own.
funinthesun19 · 05/08/2021 18:34

Seeing them as in visiting them and then going back to the hospital? Sorry I missed that.

twinningatlife · 05/08/2021 18:35

@lastcall

Have you actually had a premature baby that you've had to leave in a hospital??

I had two and an older child - the hospital pretty much expects a parent to be there as much as possible - especially if you want to establish breastfeeding. Me and the other mums at my NICU were expected to be there all day. I was there from 8am until 8pm - after all I was on maternity leave and my newborns were my "job" as it were. Mothers who popped in for an hour or day definitely got a totally different reception rightly or wrongly to those of us that were there all day helping care for our babies. You are expected/encouraged to change, dress abs feed them and learn how to tube feed as well as daily meetings with the consultants

nevergoesaway · 05/08/2021 18:37

@funinthesun19 it was one of the op’s later post, I’ve copied and pasted it:

“Sorry I should have been clearer - he is sharing the care of his other DC with his partners Mum. They will be with her the majority of the time but will still have them occasionally during those weeks. Which is why I'm confused as to why he won't have our DC.”

HeckyPeck · 05/08/2021 18:38

This added up to your post about him having a holiday planned and booked in Sept suggests to me he’s playing you big time. Be firm. Tell him he must have the kids and go to court if you have to to formalise access. What a cock.

In the meantime if your DS asks why daddy isn’t coming, be honest, and say you have no idea. Let his dad explain it to him - it’s not your responsibility. The guy is clearly using you if he plans on having the other kids around.

I don't think this is helpful advice. Firstly, a court wouldn't force a parent to see their child so it wouldn't change this situation at all. Secondly, it's not being honest if OP says she has no idea why daddy isn't seeing him. It's only her son who would suffer if she pretends not to know. Saying "Daddy's new baby is poorly in hospital so he needs to be there" is much more helpful for OP's son.

aSofaNearYou · 05/08/2021 18:39

I think it's understandable due to the circumstances. Just explain to your child that the delivery is a complicated medical emergency, and ask for as many video calls as he can do.

NailsNeedDoing · 05/08/2021 18:40

[quote IGuessIdProbablyBeAnne]@NailsNeedDoing - parents need to bond with a premature baby. Can you imagine term babies being taken away from their parents for a few weeks after birth? And Dad not seeing them? That’s what you’re basically saying. What affect would that have on the parents, let alone the baby.

Babies born at 33 weeks still wake up in the day, hear their parent’s voices, feel the warmth from their bodies, smell them. Bonding is essential. Parents can help feed, change nappies, sing to their child. They’ll probably still feel useless and in the way, but that’s all you can do when your baby is in hospital. Why would Dad want to miss that?

He’s not a cock - you are, for having no empathy or even thinking about a situation.[/quote]
He’s still making time for his other child, there’s no reason why he can’t do it for OP’s son too.

No one is expecting him to abandon his premature newborn, he can easily see all his children. That’s just what happens when you choose to have a baby when you have children already.

twinningatlife · 05/08/2021 18:41

@nevergoesaway

I guess im just struggling to understand why this is even an issue for the OP? He's 6 and old enough to understand that his brother is poorly and needs his mum and dad right now