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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex not seeing DC due to new baby

306 replies

chickendinnertonight · 05/08/2021 16:29

My ex's partner is being induced next week. They've been told baby will be in neo natal for a 3-4 weeks as being born 7 weeks early, so will need to be monitored before being allowed to go home. Ex has text me and has cancelled all contact with our DC for the 2, possibly 3 weeks after baby is born. DC doesn't go more than 5 days without seeing ex usually.

I fully appreciate it's going to be a difficult time with his partner and baby being in hospital for a few weeks, but AIBU in thinking there's no reason he has to cancel absolutely all contact for the 2/3 weeks after the baby is born? I haven't replied to my ex yet.

OP posts:
holfr020 · 05/08/2021 18:43

Just from personal expirence (baby born in April 13 weeks premature) they are probably being prepared for complications and lots of covid restrictions etc we did twice weekly covid test only my partner allowed to visit, with four babies in the ward only two set of parents were allowed in at any one time - meaning when we had a slot we took it or we might not have been able to se baby that day. These things might be going on in the background? Xx

twinningatlife · 05/08/2021 18:44

He’s still making time for his other child, there’s no reason why he can’t do it for OP’s son too.

Only in so far as actually returning to the house where they all live together and seeing them in the morning/bedtime? Not exactly comparable

funinthesun19 · 05/08/2021 18:44

Ah. That does change things. Could it be that his MIL won’t be happy looking after his children with op?

I think I’d still have them just so I know they’ll be ok and to make their lives easier by making ex’s life easier during a very difficult time, but I do understand why the op is feeling like this.

nevergoesaway · 05/08/2021 18:44

[quote twinningatlife]@nevergoesaway

I guess im just struggling to understand why this is even an issue for the OP? He's 6 and old enough to understand that his brother is poorly and needs his mum and dad right now [/quote]
I think because the op’s ex is still planning to have contact with his other children, that’s why it seems unfair. If he wasn’t seeing any of them full stop, that might be different. Also because op said she’ll be the one who has to explain this to her son.
And actually, 6 is quite young to have to process this I think.

Jennylou88 · 05/08/2021 18:45

Cut him some slack and have a bit of empathy, it's only 2-3 weeks and he'll be dealing with a prem baby and supporting his partner.

FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 05/08/2021 18:45

I think on this one occasion you need to suck it up and be understanding of the absolute hell they are about to go through.

nevergoesaway · 05/08/2021 18:46

@funinthesun19

Ah. That does change things. Could it be that his MIL won’t be happy looking after his children with op?

I think I’d still have them just so I know they’ll be ok and to make their lives easier by making ex’s life easier during a very difficult time, but I do understand why the op is feeling like this.

Yes totally agree, I can completely understand their need to focus on their new baby at this time, it just seems unfair on this one particular child, especially as op says she’ll have to explain it.
FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop · 05/08/2021 18:46

@twinningatlife

He’s still making time for his other child, there’s no reason why he can’t do it for OP’s son too.

Only in so far as actually returning to the house where they all live together and seeing them in the morning/bedtime? Not exactly comparable

Exactly!!

People will be suggesting his MIL looks after the OP's DS next

lastcall · 05/08/2021 18:50

[quote twinningatlife]@lastcall

Have you actually had a premature baby that you've had to leave in a hospital??

I had two and an older child - the hospital pretty much expects a parent to be there as much as possible - especially if you want to establish breastfeeding. Me and the other mums at my NICU were expected to be there all day. I was there from 8am until 8pm - after all I was on maternity leave and my newborns were my "job" as it were. Mothers who popped in for an hour or day definitely got a totally different reception rightly or wrongly to those of us that were there all day helping care for our babies. You are expected/encouraged to change, dress abs feed them and learn how to tube feed as well as daily meetings with the consultants

[/quote]
I've had friends live in hospitals with their NICU babies.

Both parents were not there; just one.

And I know covid has changed the rules for visiting, cutting it down severely for the non-hospital resident parent.

Original poster
chickendinnertonight · 05/08/2021 18:50

Despite my ex being awful to me the last few years, I was very understanding when their other DC was in neonatal a few years back. Like I said before, im not a monster. And as I also said previously, I've had a baby in special care so I know how worrying it is.

My issue is ex is going to continue seeing his other DC, and his step child, whilst refusing to see our DC. No he may not be able to have him the set days but why is it so unreasonable for him to take DC out for lunch one day? DC is only 6. I can explain how their new sibling is very poorly etc but at that age he is not going to fully understand, just miss his Daddy!

Things like me now having to use annual leave to cover ex's days over the 3 weeks, I wasn't even going to mention to him, just suck it up.

OP posts:
Workyticket · 05/08/2021 18:53

He is being so unreasonable

My dc was in nicu for weeks. I went every day and sat with him all day. I was way in the minority.

Ds is an only child. I had nothing else to do but sit with him

Pretty much all of the other babies had siblings and their parents could only pop in for short periods.

DH was allowed to save his paternity leaving for ds coming home so just came after work to see him and pick me up

lunar1 · 05/08/2021 18:54

If he can see one of his children then he can see your joint dc. When you have more than one child you can't just opt out of being a parent to one of them for a few weeks.

My youngest spent a stretch of time seriously ill in the children's hospital, my eldest didn't stop needing his mum and I made sure to take time for him, the hospital were very supportive of this and made sure that they didn't schedule procedures for ds2 when I was spending time with ds1.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/08/2021 18:55

Your ds’s dad can’t just abdicate all responsibility for him. I’d be pushing for meet ups for McDonald’s or something at the very least.

Notimeforaname · 05/08/2021 18:56

It's fairly standard for children living with a parent full time to be the only ones allowed to visit when a baby is in a neonatal unit even without COVID. Yes but the man's other children will be staying at their grandparents house and going back and forth over the 2/3 weeks. So theres NO reason ops child cant do the same.

NewlyGranny · 05/08/2021 18:56

Baby being induced at 33 weeks for being too big makes no sense to me. Two weeks early, even four perhaps, but seven?

I don't think OP is being told the whole story, somehow.

Flomoon · 05/08/2021 18:59

He could arrange to see him outdoors for a bit if he is concerned about covid (but doesn't sound like he is from what you've posted), or even planned some video calls. As you say, your son is 6 and at that age will see it as ah new child, no time for me. As he's still the other children as well I think he's being unreasonable. Yes its a horrible situation for them, but he could do something

nocturnalcatfreetogoodhome · 05/08/2021 19:00

[quote twinningatlife]@nevergoesaway

I guess im just struggling to understand why this is even an issue for the OP? He's 6 and old enough to understand that his brother is poorly and needs his mum and dad right now [/quote]
Because he's six years old and he wants to see his Dad?

Because he still has a responsibility to his son?

Because he can spare AN HOUR a week to come and see him.

Because plenty of people have children in hospital and still manage to maintain at least a basic level of contact with their children.

Because he is willing to still take his partner's kids, even if just for bedtime, and he won't even give his own son a phone call!

Notimeforaname · 05/08/2021 19:01

OP ,all kids need to be treated equally here - of course depending on the immediate health of the baby!
But if its hospital trips every day..mixed with some hours spent with his other children/step children he must not single your child out and 'drop' him. As that what's it looks like. If he has time for the step child he has time for his biological child.

2bazookas · 05/08/2021 19:03

My issue is ex is going to continue seeing his other DC, and his step child, whilst refusing to see our DC.

His other DC and stechild, are all separated from their mum. And, he lives in the same house as them; he'll have to go home to shower, change, and maybe sleep.

Your DC is not separated from his Mum

Notimeforaname · 05/08/2021 19:04

Theyll be staying with their grandparents though. Not the dad. So mixing households anyway

Notimeforaname · 05/08/2021 19:08

I also think it's weird to assume there will definitely be no time for this particular child so has cancelled all contact for sure.. for the few weeks. Seems extreme.
Weird.

Shouldn't the normal response be ''As it's all up in the air I can't promise contact/as much contact until last minute/later on''

Weird to just say definitely no contact. Seems like hes trying to offload. And op and her son are the easiest option.

IGuessIdProbablyBeAnne · 05/08/2021 19:11

OP, I do sympathise, and think it’s unfair that you will need to take annual leave to provide care for your son, when those days are his responsibility. I didn’t call you a name earlier, I called another poster, which I regret now.

I think it’s unfair that your son is being treated differently to the other children. Having my premature babies was the hardest thing I’ve ever been through - my son was born last year. But we put so much effort in to include our 6yo in everything. She visited 4 times a week, facetimed the baby, and the neonatal nurses made a fuss of her being big sister. I hope your son is treated the same as the other children. Best wishes.

sofiegiraffe · 05/08/2021 19:17

@FrangipaniDeLaSqueegeeMop

I think on this one occasion you need to suck it up and be understanding of the absolute hell they are about to go through.

This 100%! 7 weeks early... that's going to be quite a poorly baby. I'd be more understanding tbh.

sofiegiraffe · 05/08/2021 19:17

@aSofaNearYou

I think it's understandable due to the circumstances. Just explain to your child that the delivery is a complicated medical emergency, and ask for as many video calls as he can do.

And this.

sofiegiraffe · 05/08/2021 19:19

@nocoolnamesleft

There's no way they're inducing at that gestation for just being a big baby. There are more problems than they are telling you.

Yes, totally agree. No baby is induced at 33 weeks just for being on the larger side.