Ex not seeing DC due to new baby

[chickendinnertonight]

My ex's partner is being induced next week. They've been told baby will be in neo natal for a 3-4 weeks as being born 7 weeks early, so will need to be monitored before being allowed to go home. Ex has text me and has cancelled all contact with our DC for the 2, possibly 3 weeks after baby is born. DC doesn't go more than 5 days without seeing ex usually.

I fully appreciate it's going to be a difficult time with his partner and baby being in hospital for a few weeks, but AIBU in thinking there's no reason he has to cancel absolutely all contact for the 2/3 weeks after the baby is born? I haven't replied to my ex yet.

@LolaSmiles Unfortunately I'm only going on his previous behaviour - he went on holiday the following month after having his last premature baby so am not expecting him to cancel this years one either.

What an absolute dickhead. Besides anything else it sounds like the last thing needed in this situation is yet another child.

It's really shitty of him to have gone on holiday when there's a newborn, premature or not. He sounds like a peach.

Given they don't induce at 33 weeks for size alone I'm hoping he realises the complications mean it's especially crap to go on holiday.

Because I've known people in a similar situation to his partner, I'm probably a bit tetchy and understanding about missing 2 weeks contact, but after missing that he should definitely not be putting a holiday above his kids.

Have you text him back yet?

Just a little story for you OP my baby was planned to delivered early and had to spend time roughly same time the NICU as your ex and his partner have to..

My ML insisted my ex come to a birthday event over the weekend because it had been prearranged before everything kicked off with my LO and she said baby would be fine ect I would be there. Used all the guilt tactics known to man including your grandad doesn't have long to live and because I was in a state of fear I just stopped fighting the point and let him go.

She sadly didn't make it and passed that weekend he was at the party, he tried to come back when things started going wrong but wasn't able to fast enough. She too was a big baby but just not strong enough. It happened fast. He lost the limited amount of time he had with our little girl due to guilt. We just didn't know it was limited time or maybe foolishly convinced ourselves it wouldn't be us, not our baby.

My ex never forgave himself and exML still to this day justifies but saying how was anyone to know the worst could happen.
The doctors knew because that's why they had a plan. They don't do it for giggles.

As a mother I would hope you would have some sympathy for another human. Forget your ex for a second (you clearly don't get on and maybe that can't be fixed). If the worst was to happen and this baby died. Would you be able to sleep at night with the actions you take ?

Flip the situation around and your in this women's shoes, what would you want or hope for.You always think it won't be you, or it won't be them. But trust me when I say it it might be.

@candlelightsatdawn

Just a little story for you OP my baby was planned to delivered early and had to spend time roughly same time the NICU as your ex and his partner have to..

My ML insisted my ex come to a birthday event over the weekend because it had been prearranged before everything kicked off with my LO and she said baby would be fine ect I would be there. Used all the guilt tactics known to man including your grandad doesn't have long to live and because I was in a state of fear I just stopped fighting the point and let him go.

She sadly didn't make it and passed that weekend he was at the party, he tried to come back when things started going wrong but wasn't able to fast enough. She too was a big baby but just not strong enough. It happened fast. He lost the limited amount of time he had with our little girl due to guilt. We just didn't know it was limited time or maybe foolishly convinced ourselves it wouldn't be us, not our baby.

My ex never forgave himself and exML still to this day justifies but saying how was anyone to know the worst could happen.
The doctors knew because that's why they had a plan. They don't do it for giggles.

As a mother I would hope you would have some sympathy for another human. Forget your ex for a second (you clearly don't get on and maybe that can't be fixed). If the worst was to happen and this baby died. Would you be able to sleep at night with the actions you take ?

Flip the situation around and your in this women's shoes, what would you want or hope for.You always think it won't be you, or it won't be them. But trust me when I say it it might be.

Dead god. This has brought tears. I'm so, so sorry you went through that

@candlelightsatdawn I'm really very sorry to hear that

But just to clarify - I don't intend on texting my ex and telling him he's an arse for pretending our DC doesn't exist for 3 weeks! Despite our problems, I was also very supportive of them when he had his last prem baby. I get on with his partner very well and even helped her out on occasion when my ex went back to work.

This is more about the fact he has basically text me to say he won't be seeing our DC for 3 weeks and he will 'play it by ear' after that. And still plans on going on his holiday. I feel like it's always me explaining/excusing Daddy's 'behaviour' to our DC, and the fact that his actions always affect me in some way. Yes I completely understand this is a prem baby, and I am keeping everything crossed that she will be ok (it will be my DC's sibling after all). I'm not a terrible person! I'm now in the position of having to take even more time off over the summer and somehow tell my manager that I can no longer attend a very expensive course I've been put on on 3 of his contact days, when ex has 2 willing parents sat at home. He's always very much well I'm doing this and I don't care how it affects you (of course a prem baby is a whole other ball game but I hope you understand what I mean).

That is so tragic. I am sorry you went through that.

That is justification for him never to leave the hospital, never to see any of his children.

But in this case he is seeing his other children and step children. Unfair to place this sort of blame and pressure on OP.

Is it okay for the worst to happen while he is with the other children, but not with OPs little boy? He of course must prioritise the poorly baby, but it seems wrong to only cut out one child.

@op can you contact his parents directly and ask them to help out whilst you go on your course?

@ActonSquirrel

Really? You wouldn't spend every day with a premature baby if it was you?

Not if I had other children, no.

@sofiegiraffe I am so sorry to hear the story about your little girl.

I also had a baby who needed neonatal care for the first 2 to 3 months of her life, she didn’t go home and meet her brother until she was nearly 3 months old. I barely saw my toddler during this period as well as they were so strict about infection control (he’s absolutely fine now). Luckily we did make it home but I saw plenty families who didn’t, and as you say the situation can change so quickly and small babies can either get much worse or much better in such a short period of time.

I think that’s why in this situation I have sympathy for the dad and new partner, as regardless of how awful the dad might be another respect you wouldn’t wish that experience on anyone, and I would just be trying to make the situation as easy (for the parents) and safe (for the premature baby) as possible.

@candlelightsatdawn you are really catastrophising the situation. The OP isn't saying that her ex shouldn't be at the hospital/NICU at all - just that he should be able to spare a couple of hours to see his other DC.

Your loss must be close to unbearable, but don't use it to guilt trip the OP. She sounds very reasonable and I'm sure if there were an urgent health emergency with his new DC, there's no way she wouldn't unddrstand.

Seeing your existing DC for a couple of hours in between being at the NICU for your new born, is really not the same as going away for a whole weekend.

Sorry my post was to @candlelightsatdawn

@ShortBacknSides I think the point is that those 2-3 hours could be the moment when you get bad news, or when the baby deteriorates suddenly, genuinely it can happen. Plus you are bringing a whole new set of child-germs into the situation which, if passed onto the prem baby could be fatal. I agree that he should be minimising contact with the other kids too but the situation is slightly different in that they are all part of one household and one of them would have both parents in hospital. And again, this is only 2-3 weeks- no longer than a nice holiday (I am sure if either parent wanted to take the child for a nice trip abroad for that long no one would be worried).

Candle, what your MIL did was obviously terrible but it really isn't fair to project onto the OP's situation or suggest she's doing the same. The ex isn't planning to spend every minute at the hospital anyway.

I think the point is that those 2-3 hours could be the moment when you get bad news, or when the baby deteriorates suddenly,

Yes, this is what I took also from @candlelightsatdawn 's heartbreaking post.

Bold fail

@chickendinnertonight I don't think your a bad person at all, I hope my message didn't come across like that. I totally get your ex sounds like a absolute arse, and most likely continue to be one 😔

I just think on this situation if you can spare any grace, give it to new partner and baby rather than thinking your letting ex off the hook again. She too may have thoughts on his behaviour and they may not be positive to be frank.

Any other occasion, set him alight and beat him with a stick for this behaviour re contact. I wouldn't see many people being ok with it.

Speaking as someone who was in your DC shoes as a child my mum always told the truth re dad. In child like terms but she always let me know it wasn't my fault but she didn't hide the fact he was also a bell🔔 when it came to contact. This helped me process the things that were happening and I'm sure there were tears on occasion but at least I knew I couldn't rely on him so in the end I didn't end up waiting for him to show up like a puppy and that made life easier in long term.

I would say to him ok well I'm going to have to rebook this course due to needing to have DC, could you help with the costs ? Or ask him for financial help so you can get childcare/ summer camp for that week give you a breather. It does have to be give and take.

I haven't meant to jijack this post. I haven't actually shared the details of it before on MN, I just wanted to share from a mums perspective on the other side, just how badly this can go and to put it lightly - I don't think I have slept well since my daughter passing. I wish I had fought more for her so she could have had one last cuddle with my ex.

You don't want the regrets I have, re if this goes wrong and statically I was unlucky granted but I think some of mine will haunt me until I die. You don't want that, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, even someone I truly hated.

[quote ShortBacknSides]**@candlelightsatdawn* you are really catastrophising the situation. The OP* isn't saying that her ex shouldn't be at the hospital/NICU at all - just that he should be able to spare a couple of hours to see his other DC.

Your loss must be close to unbearable, but don't use it to guilt trip the OP. She sounds very reasonable and I'm sure if there were an urgent health emergency with his new DC, there's no way she wouldn't unddrstand.

Seeing your existing DC for a couple of hours in between being at the NICU for your new born, is really not the same as going away for a whole weekend.[/quote]
If you have walked in my shoes, then you would understand that it can change in a blink of a eye. I dont and still don't expect people to get it, but it's not a catastrophising if it's a actual viable outcome. Again doctors don't do this for laughs.

If you want to play the game of minimising what can happen. That's really on you, I certainly did.I hope you never are in that situation.

It's not about the situations being similar, it's about what can you live with as a person since things can happen really fast.

I’m not sure people have read the posts. This man isn’t spending 24-7 at the hospital - he is seeing some children - just not his son.

It’s unfair to emotionally blackmail OP. If the dad can see his other children and step children, surely he can spare half an hour to see this little boy?

If he can still go on holiday surely he can take a child to the park for twenty minutes.

Of course if the baby deteriorates he would have to drop everything and run - but he will be spending time with his other child and step child. Why does his son not also get to see him?

@Ideasplease322 to be frank if they follow what the doctors say they shouldn't be seeing any of the children because germs don't discriminate which children they come from when it comes to prem babies. We don't actually know fully what's happening re the other children of the family. The hospital is the one to dictate the rules as it won't just be the ex's new baby in there, there will be other people's babies in there as well. It's called social responsibility.

I don't think it's a lacking of reading the thread. I think it's just difference of opinions.

He ,ignition not be,Eve in covid but the hospital will and maybe his partner does.
It could be the hospital rules re isolation.

He may also change the time down once baby is born and they know more where they stand.

How old are your Dc? Are they old enough to,understand what is going on and why daddy might not be able to see them for a couple of weeks or so?

Personally think it’s shitty of him and it’s only going to breed resentment within your DC probably aimed at the new sibling. If he was the RP he wouldn’t be able to do this, he’s only doing this as the NRP with the expectation you will pick up the slack. It isn’t fair, he can’t opt out of being your DC’s parent for weeks.

I'm pretty surprised at the replies on this thread. Yes having a preemie is hard (had one myself due to T1 diabetes) but you don't just get the opt out of being a parent and shove your older kids out completely.

I understand the frustration and how this must feel for you as the mother of the existing DC.

But, as a mum to a 32 weeker I am afraid you might just have to let this slide. Premature babies are very vulnerable, while my baby was in hospital my husband couldnt see her for a week as he got a cold. It's also a really hard time both emotionally and physically, so I don't think it's unreasonable that they want to be able to focus wholly on the baby in hospital.

I guess in seeing your children, they are effectively coming in to contact with you, and anyone you come in to contact with, and on and on. Thats how I would see it as a prem mum. So perhaps they are just trying to keep the circle of people effectively coming into contact with baby as small as possible.

Lavender24

I'm pretty surprised at the replies on this thread. Yes having a preemie is hard (had one myself due to T1 diabetes) but you don't just get the opt out of being a parent and shove your older kids out completely.

A - the mother's own dc are going to there gps for 3 weeks.

B - the dc living with the father are in their "bubble", the ops ds is not. As long as they all keep in their bubble they limit the risk.