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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex not seeing DC due to new baby

306 replies

chickendinnertonight · 05/08/2021 16:29

My ex's partner is being induced next week. They've been told baby will be in neo natal for a 3-4 weeks as being born 7 weeks early, so will need to be monitored before being allowed to go home. Ex has text me and has cancelled all contact with our DC for the 2, possibly 3 weeks after baby is born. DC doesn't go more than 5 days without seeing ex usually.

I fully appreciate it's going to be a difficult time with his partner and baby being in hospital for a few weeks, but AIBU in thinking there's no reason he has to cancel absolutely all contact for the 2/3 weeks after the baby is born? I haven't replied to my ex yet.

OP posts:

Danikm151 · 05/08/2021 16:49

I think this is out of order.
Same situation is happening with me(except baby wasn't born early but by c section)
Son's dad has cancelled 3 weeks in a row(due health visitor appointments and being tired) but told me last minute so I've had to arrange childcare for while I am at work. Luckily my son is too young to understand cancelling contact but I'm guessing yours are bit older and understand.
Tell him you'll need to do video calls to maintain that relationship.

I understand that it may be stressful due to baby being born early but that doesn't mean your other children can be forgotten about. They have feelings too.

Starshapeddreams · 05/08/2021 16:49

Devil's advocate here - at our neonatal unit parents were asked to isolate if coming in to see baby. To reduce the risk of bringing covid into the unit.
He may not believe in covid but the unit definitely will.

clickychicky · 05/08/2021 16:50

What do you think people with previous children together do if they have a baby being kept in hospital for whatever reason.

Take it in turns (not appropriate for SM to be looking after her stepchildren while her own baby is ill so that's out)

Ask a relative to help (eg. The children's own mother).

Basically maximise the time they can spend with the baby in case it doesn't pull through and those few weeks are the only ones they get.

It is not in the DC's interest to be spending the day with dad while dad is worrying constantly about his other child, the one that is most vulnerable at that time. But if OP is more concerned about keeping score on the contact hours vs what is best for the children that's up to them.

clickychicky · 05/08/2021 16:51

@chickendinnertonight

Oh and he doesn't really 'believe' in Covid so that's not an issue for him.

It's an issue for the hospital

uhtredsonofuhtred1 · 05/08/2021 16:52

If it was me in his new partners position I wouldn't be staying 100% of the time with the new baby in hospital, id still make time to see my other children and so should your ex. Fair enough if he said contact might have to change a bit or reduce a bit but to totally cancel it is out of order

Ideasplease322 · 05/08/2021 16:52

@ActonSquirrel

Really? You wouldn't spend every day with a premature baby if it was you?

But you would still also see your other children? How would this couple cope if this was their second or third child.

They would surely take care to ensure their other children were supported and felt loved as well?

Priority of course to poorly baby, but other children still exist.

Marmitemarinaded · 05/08/2021 16:53

Unreasonable of him

But could you use this to your advantage in the long run?

Ie say sure, card to girlfriend saying hope all goes well and that you understand ex won’t be able to see for few weeks. All the best etc

And then - hopefully support you when you need it?

You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours kind of scenario?

How is the relationship otherwise?

Original poster

chickendinnertonight · 05/08/2021 16:53

@AlmostSummer21 DC is 6.

@Mammyofasuperbaby My eldest DC (not ex's) was a prem baby. But no, that wasn't during Covid times.

@clickychicky Keeping score on contact hours, really? I'm just worried about my 6 year old child who gets very upset if he doesn't see his Dad for longer than 4 or 5 days! He's 6, not 16.

OP posts:

icedcoffees · 05/08/2021 16:53

He needs this time with partner and new baby.

And his existing DC need him too. He can't just drop them because his partner is in hospital - they need consistency now more than ever.

clickychicky · 05/08/2021 16:53

Ex already has a child with his partner which was also born early, but he didn't not see DC for quite so long that time.

Irrelevant. Each baby is different.

Marmitemarinaded · 05/08/2021 16:53

That’s how my ex and I work

And everyone
Most importantly our children - benefit

Original poster

chickendinnertonight · 05/08/2021 16:55

@Marmitemarinaded Unfortunately relationship with ex is dreadful.

OP posts:

Marmitemarinaded · 05/08/2021 16:56

Why someone would have a baby with someone who already has two with two different mothers… baffling.

Doesn’t exactly bode well for the future

And all the arrangements and money issues etc

Shudder

Marmitemarinaded · 05/08/2021 16:56

[quote chickendinnertonight]@Marmitemarinaded Unfortunately relationship with ex is dreadful. [/quote]
Could you use this to turn it around?

Marmitemarinaded · 05/08/2021 16:56

Perhaps a compromise to meet him half way ie 10 days?

Youseethethingis · 05/08/2021 16:57

I'd ask how he plans to explain to your DC so that you can support them at your end. Arrange video calls etc.
Yes, your DC might be feeling nervy about another new sibling etc. But this really is a moment for them to be helped to be understand the bigger picture, not put in the middle of bad feeling and squabbles.
As long as the understanding is that contact will resume as normal (possibly even extra to make up for lost time?) as soon as circumstances allow, I'd not pick a fight over this. Limiting mixing of households immediately after the birth of a premature and poorly baby surely can't be anything other than sensible?
It's a frightening time for your ex and his partner.

SparkyBlue · 05/08/2021 16:57

I've had one baby born at six weeks early and one born at seven weeks early both were in nicu and while it's a stressful and difficult time life does continue as normal so I honestly don't know why he can't see the children. I was still doing drop offs and collections from school, I brought one child to a friends birthday party and in fact we had a lot of work done in the house while my youngest was in nicu . Now It goes without saying that if the child is very unwell then that's different .

clickychicky · 05/08/2021 16:57

[quote chickendinnertonight]@AlmostSummer21 DC is 6.

@Mammyofasuperbaby My eldest DC (not ex's) was a prem baby. But no, that wasn't during Covid times.

@clickychicky Keeping score on contact hours, really? I'm just worried about my 6 year old child who gets very upset if he doesn't see his Dad for longer than 4 or 5 days! He's 6, not 16. [/quote]
I get that but the baby is the priority for these few weeks. If the worst happens they will have wanted to have spent as much time as they could with the baby. It's not in your 6 year old best interest to be around the house when his dad can't focus in him becuase he is too upset/worried.

clickychicky · 05/08/2021 16:59

@Youseethethingis I agree. In a couple of months this will all hopefully be behind them and OP's DS will be able to meet their new sibling and have a whole lifetime of memories with them and their dad.

Rtmhwales · 05/08/2021 17:00

This is sad. I had my son 8 weeks early and he was in the NICU for 3 of them. I did not spend 24/7 at the hospital as they actively encourage you to take a mental health break and get out and see your family/friends. I'm not sure why he can't pop out for an hour or two and see his son. I know he'd be explaining it to my child, not me if this was the case.

clickychicky · 05/08/2021 17:01

He should be the one to explain it and arrange for facetime calls etc though that's not for you to do OP.

IWantT0BreakFree · 05/08/2021 17:01

Really? You wouldn't spend every day with a premature baby if it was you?

My friend had a premature baby last year who spent several weeks in NICU. They were very lucky to have friend’s mum nearby who had their existing kids almost full time. She cared for them all day and put them to bed some nights. Sometimes she stayed the night with them too. Their dad often came home at bedtime so that his MIL could go home. He also made sure that he was home a couple of evenings a week to spend time with them, cook their tea, bathe them etc. Be a dad, basically.

Like OP’s ex he had a vulnerable baby in intensive care. Unlike OP’s ex he didn’t shrug off his responsibilities to his other children. It would never have occurred to him that he could just choose to not parent his children for a month.

Sadly this is a situation that affects many families each week. They don’t all stop seeing their older children. The only reason people like OP’s ex seem to think it’s acceptable is because they consider single mums to be the “default parent” and as NR parents they don’t really view their kids from previous relationships as being equally their responsibility or part of their family unit.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 05/08/2021 17:02

If he is seeing the other children then I would make it very clear I expected him to see all of them not just some.
Your DC will remember this at that age.

Original poster

chickendinnertonight · 05/08/2021 17:02

@clickychicky It's always left for me to explain to my DC when it comes to my ex, which I think is partly where my frustration comes from.

OP posts:

Sirzy · 05/08/2021 17:04

I would say “I fully understand, if you can see them in that time time I will try to be as flexible as I can. Hope all goes well”

It wouldn’t cross my mind to be annoyed given the circumstances

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